


Reaching for Happiness

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Smallville RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-22
Updated: 2010-09-07
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:36:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 93,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8707222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** I'm not good at making summary, so please just read. :D
> 
> This story is beta-ed by the awesome **persephone_c**.
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> Rating will go up as the story goes, but only up to R...XD

  
Author's notes: This chapter is PG-13. Will go up as the story goes...^__^  


* * *

**Chapter 1**

 

 

Jensen knows there is something not right about today. There have been a series of unfortunate events since he woke up with his shirt drenched in sweat after having a nightmare about a thing in his past he desperately tries to forget. He was so disoriented by his dream that he burnt his omelet which means no breakfast for him today since that was the last egg he had. When he went to take a shower, his shower decided it was time to take a break and refused to spill even a single drop of water. So, he must use Mike’s shower instead. 

 

Mike and Tom are his best friends who live right next door. Initially they were cramped in the same small apartment where Mike and Tom live now. But because of the fact that Mike and Tom is a couple and on many occasions they can’t hold their desire towards each other regardless of the time and place, Jensen decided to move out into the apartment next door after saving some money, in order to give them their privacy. Of course it was also because it was getting increasingly difficult to keep acting as though he was sleeping while the other two engaged in their… nightly… activities.

 

So now here he is, wondering what else can go wrong today while perusing through yesterday’s newspaper that he had grabbed from another tenant’s garbage this morning, scanning for another job vacancy besides the one he has in the bar. He will need it if he wants to fill his refrigerator with some decent food. And a second later, he finds it. The peak of his misery. It is written in a tiny font, the whole passage informing the reader about a Thomas Padalecki’s death. Apparently, the day of death was a week ago. Jensen stares at the article for a very long time, trying to find his breath. The past hit him with full force when he read the name of the dead person and it left him in a state of shock.

 

_No, it can’t be him._ But the address is the same. It is that house’s address. It is the same Padalecki. _Holy shit._

 

\--00o00—

 

Mike Rosenbaum loves these moments the most. It’s when his lover Tom is asleep, snuggled in his arms. He looks so innocent and vulnerable, lying next to him as if he trusts Mike completely to protect him from any kind of harm. At moments like these, Mike will stay still, unmoving, trying to memorize every line, contour and shadow of the piece of beauty that lay below him in the form of his lover. Tom looks so angelic when he is asleep, although if Mike looks closely enough, those lips were quite certainly a devilish creation. So red and so full, and Tom often pouts in his sleep, like he is now, probably dreaming about Mike pulling another prank on him. Mike gulps hard, trying to repress a sudden urge to ravish Tom right there and then. 

 

Tom will be annoyed, for sure, although Mike is confident that he can persuade Tom to get into it.

 

So when he hears the sound of loud knocking on his door, he feels really pissed. He mutters several threats of grave bodily harm to the person daring to disturb his morning bliss, all the while carefully slipping off Tom and getting off the bed, walking to the door to open it. Tom mumbles a little at the sudden loss of warmth, but to Mike’s relief, returns again into his peaceful pouting sleep.

 

“What is it?!” Mike growls after the door opens but then he recognizes who standing in front of him instantly and changes his tone.

 

“Jensen? I thought you’re up to work? What are you doing here, buddy?” Mike says in a softer tone. All annoyance drained from him at the sight of his best buddy, replaced with a slightly surprised look. 

 

Jensen doesn’t answer directly. Those green eyes seem confused for a while, but then Jensen looks up to Mike. “I…, I think I must come back to that house, Mike.”

 

Mike tries to digest the meaning of Jensen’s short, rather random announcement, and when it gets to him, he frowns. “Dude, have you been drinking or something? Suddenly talking about going back to that house…, you said it yourself that you’ll start a new life and will never look back?”

 

Jensen nods gloomily. “I know. But… something happened. Shit! I know it sounds crazy but I have to go back, Mike, no matter what.”

 

“What? What happened? I mean, c’mon, what is it, really, that matters enough to make you go through that hell again?” There’s concern in Mike’s voice and Jensen notices it. 

 

Jensen swallows hard; fidgeting for a while before finally says it. 

 

“My stepfather… Thomas.” Jensen winces at the sight of Mike’s face becoming dark at the mention of his stepfather. Inhaling a deep breath, Jensen spills the news, “Thomas, he…, he died a week ago.”

 

Mike’s mouth slowly curves into a wild grin at that piece of news. “Hallelujah.”

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Still PG-13... XD  


* * *

Chapter 2

 

“I don’t understand.” Mike watches Jensen shoving the few pieces of clothing he owned into his worn out duffel bag with a frown. “Could you enlighten me again about why you feel that it is so fucking necessary to visit that son of a bitch’s house once again?”

 

Jensen winces at the sarcastic tone in Mike’s words. Grabbing his wallet from the table, Jensen took a deep breath. _Yeah, Jensen. What makes you want to go back there? Have you lost your mind?_ But, Jensen is not insane. In fact, if he doesn’t go back to the house soon, he is pretty sure he’ll go insane. This need inside him has always been so strong, consuming him for these past two years. But Thomas always was a barrier. Now that he’s gone, the need has come back in full force. It makes him unable to think of anything else. _I must see him. I need to._

 

“I need to see him, Mike.” Jensen echoes his thoughts out loud. “I need to see my stepbrother. You and Tom know how I feel about this, don’t you? I couldn’t go back then because I knew Thomas would be there. But now he is gone, there is nothing that can hold me back.”

 

Mike throws an exasperated look towards Tom who is standing across the room. Tom’s eyes plead him to be understanding and just let Jensen go. Indeed, both of them know very well that Jensen’s not-so-brotherly love for his stepbrother is more than anything. But still, letting Jensen go back to the place where that guy’s entire nightmare began was another matter, and Mike knows better than that.

 

“Look, we totally understand, Jen. But there are loads of reasons why I… I mean why we are objected to this idea of yours. You’ve already been separated from him for three whole years, Jen. He may no longer be the person he used to be.” Mike walked towards Jensen, itching to shake him hard enough to make him see the stupidity of his actions. But then Mike sees how tense Jensen is, so he decides to sit on the edge of the bed instead. 

 

“You’re the one who told me that stepbrother of yours did nothing but ignore you ever since you guys knew how to jack off. He had never been there for you when you needed him. I mean, if he really cared for you, why didn’t he stop that fucker?”

 

Jensen clutches his hand, slightly trembled from the rush of memories suddenly pop in his head at Mike’s words. “He didn’t know, Mike. He was rarely home at that time. It wasn’t his fault.”

 

“That’s the thing, Jen!” Mike ignores the warning tone heard in Jensen’s previous words. “The fact that he was never home showed how fucking care he was to you back then. What makes you think that that’ll change after the old man’s gone? What makes you think he’ll not become like his bastard of a father?” 

 

Suddenly Mike finds himself hoisted up by his collar clutched by trembling fingers and Jensen’s face hovers above his. His eyes hard on Mike’s, tell him without words that he did not appreciate him saying anything of that nature about his stepbrother. From the corner of his eyes, Mike sees Tom step towards them, panic in his big eyes. Mike lifts a hand towards Tom, stopping him. Silently pleads him to let him manage the situation.

 

Mike doesn’t enjoy hurting Jensen. But if shoving the bitter truth in his face meant saving Jensen from another painful episode of his life, Mike will do it without hesitation. God knows, Jensen has been through enough. So even though his words make Jensen angry, he feels that he has to finish what he wants to say. Mike reaches up and cups his hands in both sides of Jensen’s face, eyes fixed on Jensen’s, shining with care and concern, and say softly, “Dude, chill. Just trying to make you see the light here.”

 

Mike feels a relief flood his chest soon after Jensen lets his collar go. But Jensen still stands in front of him, daring Mike to say another word. A dare Mike is more than willing to take. 

 

“I know you miss him, Jensen. Hell, I can see that everyday in your empty gaze. But you see… I’m worried sick about you going back to that house because I really have no idea what those Padalecki guys will do to you when you’re around.”

 

Jensen’s gaze suddenly softens, and then is replaced with a determination that shows up on his face. He turns around and returns to packing his duffel bag. And for long minutes, silence stretches between them. Then Jensen’s voice fills the room.

 

“Look. I know you guys mean well. Take care of me and all that shit.” There’s harshness in his words but his tone is gentle. “It’s just that… It’s killing me, man.” Jensen stops his packing and looks at Mike and Tom.

 

“All my life, I’ve lost almost everything dear to me. I’ve lost my real father, my youth, my… innocence… and I’ve lost my mom.” His voice becomes hoarse at the words. “And there is nothing I can do to stop it. All this time I was just… go with the flow and accept every shit given by life to me.

 

“But he…, only him I can’t lose, guys. It’s just I can’t. I won’t. I know he only thinks of me as his stepbrother. Hell, even maybe less than that considering how he avoided me like I was the plague by the time we turned into teenagers. And the way he rejected me every time I tried to be near ever since...” Jensen’s eyes scrunches tight at the memories, trying to will away the pain that follows. 

 

“But I also know that he already has my heart. There’s no one else. Not even when I’ve tried, and you damn know that I’ve tried hard. But it has to be him. Or else, I’ll always feel empty inside. I’ll feel lost. So I’ll be damned if I don’t fight for him with everything I’ve got! He’s what I live for, guys. There must be a good reason why he treated me like that in the past. I might have gotten on his nerves or something. I have to find out. Don’t get me wrong. You are like, my true family, you know. I mean, you guys rock.” 

 

All of them smile at that. 

 

Jensen fidgets for a while before he continues, “But… when I look at you, you both are so in love that sometimes I think I am so pitiful for being unable to be close to someone I love with all my heart. I’m tired of feeling that way. I know I’m asking a lot, but I must try. And you can’t stop me from trying to look for the same happiness that you both have already found. Can you?” Jensen flashes his best persuasive grin, in the same time try not to look as pathetic as he felt right now.

 

Mike and Tom exchange a look again, they both know they can’t stop Jensen this time. 

 

“Aw, the hell with it. If you’re really that eager to find your prince then there’s nothing we can do. Come on, we’ll help you pack up.” Mike says with a half grin, an offer that is most welcomed with relief by Jensen and Tom.

 

Half an hour later they have already finish packing up. “Just remember, I’ve packed you a bunch of condoms and first class lube. You know, just in case you and your stepbrother have finally overcome all the shit and decide to… get it on.” Mike said in a perfectly fatherly tone, contradicted by his playful wink. Jensen blushes hard, his face turning red all the way to his ears. Tom laughs and tells Mike to stop being a perverted jerk. Mike grins all the way, defending himself by saying what is wrong with socializing a safe sex. 

 

They play around some more and share more laughter, before finally Jensen lifts the duffel bag to his shoulder and grins. “Well, this is it, guys. Wish me luck.” A single tear threatens to escape from his eyes and Jensen blinks his eyes several times to avoid crying. 

 

Tom moves forward and hugs Jensen tightly. “If… well, I mean if everything isn’t working well there, just keep in mind that you’ll always have a place here, Jen. We’re all going to miss you.” Tom says in a trembling voice. For a long time, there’s nothing said. And then Tom lets go, tears in his eyes.

 

Mike hugs Jensen quickly, patting him on his back. “Yeah…” He says hoarsely, simply agreeing to whatever Tom has just said, and steps back. 

 

Jensen looks at both of them, wondering for the hundredth time if he is making the right decision. It’s just… leaving this. Leaving them, his job at the bar, everyone, leaving his life to pursue another, a life with Jared Padalecki in it, Jensen wonders if it’ll all be worth it. But the answer is always; hell yes it’ll worth it. So Jensen braces himself and smiles.

 

“Hey, Jenny…? You know who is going to miss you the most?” Mike says with a snicker. Jensen and Tom looks at him, curious. Mike can’t hold his laughter.

 

“Our number one bar’s customer, of course. Jack Bailey will turn into a puddle of goo when he finds out you are gone. I mean, there won’t be anymore nice butt for him to smack. Poor guy.” Jensen and Tom join his laughter hysterically, realizing that it is, somewhat, a truth.

 

“Well,” Jensen wipes tears of laughter from his eyes. “Then maybe Tom here needs to watch his back.” And Jensen laughs again when Tom’s face reddened at his words.

 

“I’ll watch it for him.” Mike growls, sweeping Tom into his hug possessively. His face stern at the possibility of a drunken old Jack takes advantage of his Tom’s body. 

And when Jensen sees it, he looks longingly at the sweet sight in front of him, all the doubt drained from his thought. _You must find your own happiness, Jensen. And your happiness lives in that house. That’s where you have to be._

 

“I’ll call you as soon as I get the chance.” Jensen says and walks towards the door. He looks back for the last time, savoring the sight of Tom and Mike standing together, his room, his life. He keeps the memory inside his head, takes a deep breath, and then he closes the door. 

 

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Chapter 3 added! Hope you like it! But, there's no one reviewed... *sad*

Should I stop?  


* * *

“How can this be, Jeff?” Jared Padalecki says holding the letter from his late father in a crushing grip. With him, Jeffrey Dean-Morgan, Jared’s older best friend who is also Padalecki’s family’s attorney since the past year, tries to get himself comfortable in one of the luxurious couches spread in Padalecki’s residence common room. In his not so young age, he is still a proud bachelor in all his glory. His good looking face and his manly features make most women as well as men unable to resist his charm. He refuses when people call him a bisexual. He calls his sexual attitude as human love. It is, he says, the kind of love where you don’t refuse anyone coming but also don’t chase anyone going. Until now, he is still one of the most successful practitioners of that philosophy. 

 

“Well, that’s just how it is, Jay.” His voice turns serious when he says the next words. “I mean, what do you expect? He is, after all, a Padalecki in the name of law.”

 

Jared’s gaze towards Jeff at hearing those is certainly not a kind one. His tall figure becomes as stiff as board. Jeff thinks he saw Jared shake a bit before he finally saying something. 

 

“He is _not_ my family, nor he is my father’s. Jensen Ackles is as good as dead to this family. Keep that in mind, Jeff.”

 

Jeff sighs heavily. His handsome face is frowning. “I just don’t get why you so stubbornly pushed him away. I don’t know this Jensen guy much except from what I heard. I mean, people talk, you know? And I think there must be a reason, a good one at that, for him to leave this house to go to God knows where. Besides, if the stories I heard was true, weren’t both of you really close once? What happened?”

 

And as usual, Jared keeps silent. Jeff has known his best friend Jared long enough to know that he won’t say a thing if this topic emerges. So, Jeff lifts both his hands in a gesture of surrender, and stands up. 

 

“Well, I just came by to give you that. It’s my job, you know. Hereby you must understand that the law expects you to form a proper search party for him. Or else, the will won’t be read, and all of Thomas Padalecki’s fortunes and assets will be given to the national government. And God knows that nothing good will come out of it if that happens. Government these days, man, I tell you, sucks doesn’t even begin to cover it. Anyway, don’t blame me for that, since it was what your father wanted. That’s the deal.” Jeff pats Jared’s shoulder lightly as he walks towards the door. 

 

“Let’s go out and drink when you have some times to spare, shall we? I’ll excuse myself for now. And Jay?” Jeff stops suddenly with his hand on the door knob. “Just think about what I’ve said.” And with those words, Jeff left. The door clicks softly behind him.

 

\---00o00---

 

Jeff is driving his red Porsche and passing through Padalecki’s residence enormous front gate slowly, intending to drive straight home to rest before his special date tonight with Governor’s slutty daughter, when suddenly he feels an awe engulfing him as his eyes lay on a figure of a man standing awkwardly just outside the gate. It’s neither the man’s slender but well-built body, nor his stance and posture that screams heavy masculine sensuality-although he is pretty sure the man doesn’t realize the effect he has which only makes him feel so drawn to him. Sure, being a loyal practitioner of human love, he could never be immune to this kind of man: six feet-or even taller; his short-cut but really soft-like blond hair which is so dirty in color Jeff is certain other people often mistook it for brown; his clothes frame his body nicely and even though the clothes themselves seem ordinary enough, but this man somehow manages to make them all look classy on him; and oh, that perfectly rounded and firm ass behind the jeans…. Well, usually that’s already enough to alert the primal instinct Jeff has so raw inside him. But no, these qualities usually do not left him gaping in awe. But this man’s face - a perfectly sculptured jaw, a pointy nose, a pair of rich emerald eyes so big and round as if God thought that the emerald tinted irises, his impossibly long eyelashes, or their sharp and penetrating gaze was not beautiful and captivating enough already; and those luscious lips, so sensual and full and Jeff knows that if he is ever engulfed inside those lips and mouth, he’ll die and no matter what sins he committed, he’ll end up in heaven, smiling and sated. Yes, it’s these things that leave him struck in admiration… and drowning in lust. And he almost stops his car immediately when the man, looking a bit disoriented and hesitant, stares at him in curiosity and then smiles awkwardly towards him: an act of politeness. That smile makes Jeff ache with a wild need to devour him right then and there on the pavement. 

 

Until his brain realizes something. _He’s seen_ that face not long ago. It’s not that the face is forgettable, far from it in fact Jeff recalls that he almost drooled on the close-up photo of that man (or rather _that boy_ , since he ought to be not more than sixteen when he took that photo) on his paperwork of Thomas’s will. But the real thing, this _man’s_ face of the boy in the photo is so different. His sheer beauty is not something that can be captured fully with a camera. The real thing is so radiant, that for some time Jeff hadn’t been able to recognize him. But now he does. It’s _him._

 

Jeff takes hold of his senses again, ignores his awakened lust, and a smirk forms slowly at the corner of his lips. _So, the lost boy has returned. I wonder what kind of bitchface Jared is going to pull when he finds out._ He chuckles. He peels his gaze from those captivating eyes and lips and focuses his gaze on the street, then pushes the gas pedal deeply, Porsche’s engine rumbles and roars, and excitement runs through his body. _Well, it seems things are going to be a lot more interesting._

 

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes: *sigh*

Please tell me you like it or not...*wink*

i'm so discouraged here.  


* * *

That _is one hell of a weird guy_ , Jensen thinks absentmindedly. It’s not the way he stared at Jensen with lust so blatantly shown on his face that bothers him. Jensen gets that a lot. It’s not like he isn’t aware of the effect he has on people. Anybody with normal eyes could see that. _Or with a past as horrible as I have_ , Jensen thinks gloomily. But the way he seemed to recognize Jensen, and that annoying smirk… _What the hell was that?_

 

But then Jensen realizes he has bigger problems. So he shakes his head out of the memory of the strange smirking guy and focuses hard onto the white button of bell on the wall next to the gate is so familiar in front of him. Thanks to his trip to la-la-land just now, the damn gate is already closed again, so he must give up on the idea of sneaking in after the red Porsche made its way out. Thus, he is back to square one, wondering whether he should push the bell or just run like hell away from the house and back to his safe sanctuary with Mike and Tom. But the memory of loneliness grips him suddenly, so with all the strength he can muster, he pushes the button with one quick, determined force. 

 

Jensen hears nothing. He almost thinks the button is damaged when he remembers that the bell’s sound heard only inside the guard’s chamber. So he just stands there and waits. He doesn’t really remember the sight from outside the gate, for he rarely came out of the house when he lived there. But it still looks familiar. The beautiful garden in front of the house is still so well-cared with its large pond and beautiful fountain in the middle. He remembers he often brought his mom there, just to get her skin touched with the warmth of sun, and hear the birds chirping soundly, or just to indulge her in beautiful sight other than the sight of her room’s ornate ceilings. But then he also remembers the uncountable times of him running and hiding behind the shades of trees, looking for a refugee, sobbing and scared at times, though mostly he would just crouched motionless behind a tree or rock, feeling numb and dead, waiting with hidden dread the times when _that man_ would send one of the maid to tell him that _he_ expected Jensen in his work room immediately. Jensen flinches and scrunches his eyes tight. He has expected this: the flood of horrible memories and a dawning realization that he will be reliving many dreadful moments that he had been pushing into the darkest and deepest recesses of his mind all this time. He has expected them and thought that he had prepared for them. But apparently he thought wrong. Those memories still sting him sharply, leaving him out of breath and in the edge of tears. 

 

Jensen is jerked out of his misery when a voice heard out of the intercom. Jensen feels slightly annoyed of the time the guards took to respond his bell, though deep down he knows it is not more than 10 seconds since he push the bell. 

 

“Padalecki’s residence. Please state your name and purpose.” The voice heard from the intercom is unfamiliar to Jensen. _Well, it’s been three years. What do you expect, Jensen? Of course there must be a lot of old maids and servants retired already and are replaced._

 

Clearing his throat, Jensen pushes the intercom button. _This is it. Brace yourself_.

 

“My name is Jensen.” He hesitates a moment, torn up between using Padalecki as his last name or stick to his own father’s name. But then he continues. “Jensen Ackles. Here to see Mr. Jared Padalecki.”

 

A short pause, then, “Do you have any appointment with Mr. Padalecki, Mr. Ackles?”

 

“What? Oh, umm… I… I don’t have one. But I really need to see him.” Jensen fidgets in his mind, worried that after all of the effort, he isn’t allowed to meet Jared because he is not in Jared’s schedule. “Umm… but he knows me. Please just tell him that his stepbrother is here to see him.”

 

Another short pause, this time a bit longer than the first, then, “Please wait a moment, Mr. Ackles.” 

 

Jensen wants to bite his tongue right there. His panic has caused him to spill unnecessary information and now he is afraid that he has done something that is not in his authority to do. In a few minutes there may be rumors spreading in the house about his return. And he’s afraid that maybe Jared doesn’t want to see him after all.

 

Jensen tries hard to calm his wildly beating heart. Anxiety mixing with excitement floods him at the prospect of finally meet Jared again. _I wonder what he looks like now. Will he be happy to see me again? Maybe he hates me now._ This certain thought catches him in gnawing worry. Suddenly, the desire to turn his heels and runaway as far as possible is overwhelming. But then the voice in the intercom is back.

 

“Sorry to make you wait, Mr. Ackles. Please come inside. The maid in the front door will take you to Mr. Padalecki. Good day.”

And before he can do anything, the damn gate swings open.

 

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

  
Author's notes: Thank you for the reviews guys! Although I can't respond to them because of some stupid things, I really appreciate them! Good to know my story is not boring for some people. xD  
So here it is, chapter 5!  


* * *

**Chapter 5**

 

 

Fire flickers every now and then in the fireplace and Jared’s eyes follow its dance-like movements absentmindedly. His right hand, which is holding a glass of whisky, tenses and tightens its grip. Jeff’s words echoing in his head.

 

_Weren’t both of you really close once? What happened?_

 

Jared snorts. It’s amusing to imagine what Jeff will say when he tells him what sells it. He winces. As usual, he gets a migraine every time he thinks about this subject. And it’s not just his head. His heart also throbs painfully. 

 

_Bonding brothers won’t betray one another, Jeff. They also never commit such an ungrateful act. They’ll never turn away from family. They’ll never cause such deathly pain to their father._

 

Jared sloshes the whisky into his throat, grateful for the burn it causes.

 

_Yeah, that’s what happened. He did everything a bonding brothers mustn’t do. And he left me to mourn at the damage._

 

Even now, Jared still doesn’t understand what made Jensen decide to leave this family. And it tears him apart. At times like this, his mind will wanders back into the past, about three years ago.

 

_He was just getting ready in his dorm room to go back home for his holiday when he got a call from his father, voice edged with panic, ordering him to come home immediately and that the Rolls Royce was on it’s way to pick him up. It was just two days after Jensen’s graduation from high school. A graduation he chose to miss… for at that time he was still struggling with his hidden desire._

_The struggle ended with him losing, forcing him to face the reality and accept that he was still indeed, desperately in love with his brother._

_Even after much dodging around his brother, staying so far away from his warmth in order to control the horrible love and lust he has towards his brother, he was faced with the fact that his feelings and his desire would not fade away and disappear with time. They were getting even stronger, and worse, mixed with desperation they grew without inhibition._

_He knew that Jensen would do anything Jared wanted and desired, and so Jared decided to keep away from him, to turn away from his sweet affection, as he knew Jensen’s affection for him had no boundaries._

_Jensen and he were so close that sometimes he felt that Jensen was in his skin, somewhere deep within him.. Jensen adored him and doted on him, and Jared could feel that even if what Jared wanted is for his luscious lips to swell under his; or for him to stretch on his stomach on Jared’s bed while he pounded into him senselessly, Jensen would do so, willingly. With a smile on his face, saying “It’s okay, Jared” and “I love you, Jared.” like he always said, over and over again._

_It would have been extremely easy to satisfy his lust._

_But Jared knew that that was not what he wanted. He wanted Jensen to feel the same for him. He wanted Jensen’s eyes to glaze over with desire for him. He wanted Jensen to love him like he loved Jensen: raw and primal and definitely not brotherly._

_That’s not how it went. No matter how much Jensen loved Jared, Jensen would be too scared to pop the happy family bubble he was in._

_Jensen was very happy, even happier than Jared, when he entered the Padalecki family with his beautiful mother, Mary. He was fatherless since he was three years old, and had yearned for a complete and happy family ever since. And Jared knew it would be selfish of him to make Jensen ruined his own happiness. His love is true and his love is real, and he will not take less than having Jensen forever by his side as his lover._

_But it would also mean denying their father and mother’s wish for them to get married, to ruin the balance of the family, and maybe even tear this family apart. And Jared couldn’t stand watching Jensen take all of that for Jared’s sake, though he knew Jensen would never complain._

_That’s why; Jared decided to distance himself from him._

_Harsh and cruel, he knew, and even more so for Jensen. Often he saw a glimpse of loneliness and hurt in Jensen’s eyes when he avoided him like hell. Especially the night he announced to the family he would stay in university dorm. He could still feel Jensen’s gaze towards him, pleading and crumbling, confused to no end of his extreme retrieval. Almost made him cancel the plan and hug Jensen instead._

_Almost. But it was for the best. That was what he thought._

_Until that night: the night when he was supposed to be at Jensen’s graduation ceremony. Instead, he was lying on the bed, aching, thinking, struggling, and finally he came to a decision._

_There’s no way out of this love he had towards his brother. And he’ll stop running away from it. And that’s when he decided, he would go back home, mending his self-damaged relationship with Jensen. And for God’s sake, he would coax Jensen to accept his love, no matter what it took, no matter how long._

_He would make Jensen understand that ever since Jared entered the world of sexuality and silent jerk-offs each night on his bed, it was always Jensen that he imagined was splayed under him, writhing and moaning and losing himself to him._

_He would make Jensen understand that he had already tried to be sensible, to bury his feelings deep inside, to keep his relationship with Jensen pure, and to keep Jensen on the right path only to fail miserably._

_So now he will be selfish and he will take Jensen into his embrace, no matter what the consequences. He couldn’t afford it to be any other way. He had tried, and gotten nothing out of it except misery._

_And he was sure as hell that Jensen wasn’t in any better condition. The memory of the last time they had met during Mary’s funeral a week ago was bothering him. It looked like someone had taken Jensen’s life away and left him practically looking like an empty shell. He didn’t talk at all; he didn’t budge from his seat after the funeral, ignoring the flood of mourners who were eager to show him their sympathy._

_It had made Jared’s heart ache. He had really wanted to cross the room and sweep Jensen into a tight hug. To tell him that everything would be alright. To let him know that he would always be there for him._

_But halfway towards Jensen, his mind stopped him. Fear ran through him for he wasn’t sure he could control himself when Jensen was in his arms. Worse, he could end up kissing Jensen for all he knew. He still held his resolution tightly at that time._

_So he stopped his step, froze when Jensen’s eyes met his. Those rounded beautiful eyes held so much sadness and so pitiful, and in some ways, those eyes looked at him filled with expectation, silently pleading Jared to come to him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be fine. Those eyes were so intent that Jared had to grit his teeth and look away before his resolution crumbling to the ground. Jensen needed a brother right now, not a lustful and perverted bastard who couldn’t keep his perverse desires inside his pants._

_Convinced that he could not give Jensen what he needed, Jared decided to walk out of the room, to get some fresh air in hopes of refreshing his mind. But he could still feel a pair of emerald eyes following his every step outside the door._

_Jared really wanted to cry to know that once again he had betrayed that faithful gaze that always reserved for him only. Even before Mary passed away, every some time when he would go back home for holidays, he would find Jensen a little skinnier, the light in his eyes duller, yet his gaze towards Jared didn’t falter._

_This tore Jared up for no matter what happens in the future ahead of them, one thing Jared knew for sure: one day when he finally surrenders to his need for Jensen, his love won’t make Jensen look that empty and sad. No way. He would make sure that there is no more grief and sadness would mar that beautiful face._

_That’s why, two days after Jensen’s graduation, Jared packed his things, determined to end this useless struggle and go back home to fix this, to fix Jensen and him._

_But that one phone call from his father in the middle of his packing destroyed everything._

_That one phone call got him scrambling back home._

_“Jensen left home.” Those words of his father on the phone left him dumbfounded. “Jared… he’s gone.”_

_And then it was all getting blurry. It was like Jared was inside a nightmare and couldn’t bring himself to wake. He felt numb as George, the family chauffeur, hastily drove the Royce taking him home._

_When he got home, the first thing he did was ask his father for details. Thomas Padalecki, seemed older than he was that gloomy afternoon, explained that this morning he couldn’t find Jensen anywhere in the house and then the maid found a note tucked under Jensen’s pillow._

_“I am leaving. Thanks for everything.”_

_Jensen’s handwriting looked so neat on the paper, as if he had planned this from the get go and already set his heart on it._

_And that was it. There was nothing more written on the goddamn paper. It didn’t even say to whom the words were written._

_Jared still remembers how the paper felt in his palm when he crunched it. His mind was full of confusion and sadness when it was finally dawned on him that Jensen, his Jensen, was gone. Jensen had left the house, left this family, left him, to go to God knows where._

_But why?_

_Wild thoughts kept circling inside his head. But none of them made sense._

_And things got even worse after that._

_His father and he, each, formed their own search party. His father’s consisted of famous private detectives and police forces; his consisted of friends and families, Jensen’s and his. Both parties literally plundered the town, both with their own hypotheses and predictions of where Jensen might be found. But they didn’t find a thing. Not even a trace. It was like Jensen had dropped off the face of the earth._

_Days turned into months, until finally all that was left was despair and frustration for both sides. Finally, they decided to stop the search._

_Jared thought that he was the only one wanting to die of the feeling of losing and regret. Regret for his too late attempt to hold Jensen in his arms. But apparently he thought wrong. He wasn’t the only one with wounds._

_His father fell into serious sickness a few days after they stopped searching._

_Jared knew Thomas loved Jensen. He was Mary’s son, for God’s sake. But Jared also knew that if Jared didn’t know any better, he would think that Thomas favored Jensen more than him._

_Ever since Mary stepped her feet inside this house, little Jensen standing behind her and clutching to her gown, looking so adorably cute, Thomas’ life had never been the same. It was like a new and cool breeze was flown to the family. Jared noticed that his father had perked up. His spirit doubled, and he doted on Jensen so much that Jared sometimes almost felt jealous._

_Well, almost. Because Jared knew Thomas loved him all the same in a different way._

_He raised Jared with a sense and warmth of a friend, a tutor, someone Jared would always respect and someone who would always be with him and support him on his journey through life. Jared would always love Thomas for those reasons. After his birth-mother died in an accident, Jared knew Thomas did everything he could to make sure Jared could stand on his own two feet, not forgetting to show his love to Jared here and there along the way._

_But Thomas raised Jensen in a sense of endless admiration, in ways one would treat his beloved treasure, spoiling him to no end, no matter what Jensen said or did. His father would always try so hard to show Jensen his love._

_So it wasn’t really a surprise to see his father’s condition drop rapidly, physically and mentally, after Jensen left._

_His father was losing his sleep, his appetite, and his desire to live. His grief ate him from the inside, and soon he was forced to lie on his bed all day due to sickness._

_It pained Jared in so many ways. It was already something he couldn’t get over when finally the realization of Jensen left was sank in. But it seemed like his misery was doubled over seeing the way his father’s eyes so empty, while his mouth whispered Jensen’s name every now and then._

_Jared barely had time to sit and mourn, because as the only child left, he had to take care of his family business in the place of his now immobile father. He also still had to finish his half year left of business school, because it would do nothing good for him to drop out at a time like this. Padalecki family needed a successor and ever since he graduated from elementary school, his father had prepared him to take that position. He also had to check up on his father’s condition regularly, consult his doctor about the condition, made sure that he took his meds, or sometimes just sit beside his father’s bed, holding his now bony hands, listen in sadness as his father talked about Jensen in tears, get an earful about how much Thomas loved Jensen and answer his endless questions about whether Jensen had come back. More than often, he had to hold back his own tears when Thomas, under the influence of his meds, looked at him under glazing eyes, and say “Why are you here? Where is Jensen? My Jensen?” or “I want to see Jensen. Why do I keep seeing you here? I want Jensen.”_

_Yes, it wasn’t really a surprise to see his father’s grief had sent him to his worst condition._

_But it was shocking and wounding to Jared who sat there beside his father, holding his hands while his father kept ranting about Jensen in a way that made Jared felt that it would have been splendid for his father if it was he who had left, that it would have been just fine to Thomas if it was Jensen holding his arms while Jared was somewhere out there._

_Thomas loved Jensen dearly and Jared never got so worked up about it since he was certain that Thomas loved him just the same, but in totally different ways._

_But at times like these, sitting beside his father, listened to him talking about nothing or no one but Jensen, not even once bothering to ask how Jared was holding up, Jared no longer held this confidence._

_At the end, tossed around between his heightened responsibility of family business, his final thesis, his loss of Jensen, the grief of his father’s worsen condition, and the growing anxiety and jealousy of his father’s love towards Jensen: Jared changed._

_It wasn’t a pleasant change, but he changed none the less._

_He stopped looking for comfort from his father. He had been there, done that, but he got nothing more than disappointment. He started to push away all his misery and pain inside his deepest sub consciousness, and focusing at school and work. He graduated cum laude, and successfully carried on his family business to a whole new level of glory. He even owns his own business empire now, built with his own money and his own sweat, apart from his father’s inherited business. And as an owner of a fast growing corporation and a CEO of another already established corporation, his name soon became famous in the business world._

_He would find a lay here and there; there were a lot of willing and wanton hot male executives in his circle who were ready to spread their legs to him only seconds after hearing the name Padalecki. But after several convenient fucks, he would end it and continually ignored the desperate phone calls that followed after, already heading onto his next conquest._

_To sum it all up, he changed into a cold, rich jerk._

_And he blamed Jensen for all of it. And for Jared, that was his biggest change._

_Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that it wasn’t fair for him to put all the blame on Jensen. But Jared felt like he couldn’t help it._

_The reason for Jensen’s leaving his family is still beyond him. In those nights, when he laid on his bed, too tired to stop his thoughts from wandering, he would think of many possible reasons for Jensen’s departure. But none of them made sense._

_Jared didn’t mean to become a calculating bastard, but Jensen owes Padalecki’s family, for Christ sake! Jared knew that his father had courted Mary for a long time. And the feeling was mutual between them at the time. But for some reason, Mary was reluctant to accept Thomas’ proposal of marriage. Only when her financial situation got worse and worse, to the point where they would starve for days due to the lack of money, did Mary accept Thomas’ proposition. After the marriage, Mary and Jensen moved to Padalecki’s residence. And not even once had Thomas or Jared treated them badly. Jared accepted them as a family. Thomas loved Mary and loved Jensen even more. They lived happily, at least until Jared realized his feelings towards Jensen._

_But even when he kept his distance from Jensen and maintained a cold composure around him, never once did he hurt Jensen for no reason. Except for several encounters that forced him to raise his voice to kept Jensen from being too close to him, Jared never treated Jensen badly. Of course his avoidance saddened Jensen, but Jared had to do it to avoid a worse outcome. And his father’s treatment of Jensen was out of the question. He spoiled him to no end. Even though Jensen always seemed reluctant and awkward in receiving his father’s attention, Thomas treated Jensen special none the less. When Mary was ill, Thomas gave her the best medical treatment available and had the best doctor in town in charge of her condition, although sadly she still couldn’t make it in the end._

_With all those facts considered, Jared feels that Jensen had no reason whatsoever to treat Jared and his father this way. They didn’t deserve what Jensen had done to them. Jensen had no right to abandon them just like that._

_All of those thoughts, combined with the horrible situation he was in ever since Jensen left, was adding to his bitterness and resentment towards Jensen. Jared couldn’t help the feeling that Jensen is the one responsible for his father’s illness. Jensen fucking knew that Thomas loved him dearly. He should have known that there was no way Thomas would be okay with him leaving. But still, he left; leaving his father, hell, THEIR father, nailed to his bed by his illness and sadness, before finally took his last breath with Jensen’s name on his lips. And Jared was left to pick up the pieces._

_But truth be told, that was not even the worst part. The truth is, that no matter how much Jared hates Jensen and no matter how much grief Jensen has caused, Jared still loves him. It was still Jensen’s name and Jensen’s face that is etched in his mind every time he got careless and let himself think of his feelings. It was still Jensen that occupied his thought every time he thrust into another body of a man whose name he didn’t even remember. And it pained Jared in so many new levels. After Jensen left, there had been too many feelings colliding and conflicting inside him. His longing, his lust, and his love clashed with his hatred, his regret, and his loyalty to his father. Jared thinks of Jensen as a family traitor for leaving them. That’s why Jared felt a tremendous anger at his love for Jensen, because that would mean a disloyalty towards his father’s memory. And since disloyalty is unacceptable for Jared, he resented himself and resented Jensen even more._

_So yes, Jared changed. But one thing still remains the same. He must still kept his love for Jensen away deep inside the darkness of his heart. Even when the reasons are totally different now, it still breaks him on the inside none the less._

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

  
Author's notes: I'm sorry for the long delay. As an apology I give you three chapters in a row. Please leave a comment if you like it. Comments always able to whip me to write more. Thanks!  


* * *

Chapter 6

Beeps in his phone line shake Jared out of his thoughts. Taken back for a moment by the feeling of despair that catches him off guard, it takes another minute before he finally pushes the connector button on his phone.

 

“What is it, George?”

 

“I am sorry, Mr. Padalecki. I know that you are not expecting anyone again today, but there is someone here who wants to see you.”

 

Jared grunts. He so does not need another guest today who is most probably just another far relative of his father, coming to offer their condolences. He feels tired and intends to take a nap before going back to his office. 

 

“I don’t feel like entertaining an unexpected guest right now, George. Just tell them to come back another day.”

 

A pause, and then, “I am very sorry, Sir. But he told me that he is your stepbrother. His name is Jensen Ackles…?”

 

Jared froze. And only God knows how much time passes before George’s worried voice brings him back into reality. Ignoring the nausea building in the pit of his stomach, he forces himself to talk.

 

Hoarsely, Jared said, “Let him in. I’ll be waiting in the common room.”

 

\---00o00---

 

_It still hasn’t changed much, has it?_

 

Jensen observes every hall, furniture, and every room he passes on his way to the common room where Jared is waiting, through the corner of his eyes. Tagging along behind this stern-faced butler (also a new one, apparently) who leads the way, Jensen tries hard to not notice how everything still is the same as before he left; how memories, mostly bad ones, assault his senses and his hard-earned confidence and leave him feeling weak and afraid. Feelings that he has decided he wouldn’t allow himself to feel, for it’s in the past and Jensen won’t let anything intimidate him now. He has control over his life now. He can do what he wants, when he wants. And no one can force him to do anything against his will, ever again. 

 

Finally the butler stops in front of a big oak door, a door Jensen recognized clearly as the one leading to the common room. More memories assault him and he has to squeeze his eye lids down hard to shut his eyes and will them away. He opens his eyes again and grips the hem of his shirt nervously. _Behind this door, Jared is waiting for me. After all this time I can finally see him again._

 

If anything, Jensen knows that he deserves to be this nervous and hesitant. He had left this house and what’s left of his family three years ago. Left nothing behind but some half-assed parting words scribbled on a note.

 

He doesn’t regret his leaving, God no. He still thinks that it was the right thing to do. That’s the only thing he could do in order to protect himself and his sanity because, sadly, no one else was left for him to turn to except himself. So no, he does not regret it. 

 

What he does regret is how things were left between Jared and him. Thomas was an asshole and he deserved nothing from Jensen, but Jared is a different story. Jared deserves a proper goodbye. 

 

Although Jared had never been there for him ever since he started his first year in senior high school and Jensen was in his second year of junior high, slowly extricating himself from Jensen through constant avoidance. But before then, when Jensen had still been a new addition to the family and then for the good six years that followed, Jared was always there for Jensen. It was like Jared was his second skin. As the older of the two, Jared was always protective and loving towards Jensen, almost possessive in a way like no one ever had been or ever was again. To Jensen, Jared always was his protector, his mentor, his best friend, and a very solid shoulder to cry on. So Jensen became attached deeply to Jared, even more than he did towards his mother. 

 

So even though Jared’s withdrawal hurt him bad, Jensen never resented him for it. Jared never said why he did what he did, and Jensen never had a chance to ask. The only conclusion left for Jensen was that he is not good enough for Jared. Jared is Padalecki’s first born. He has plans and futures ahead of him, served on a golden platter. And maybe to Jared, Jensen is simply not a part of it. Even though technically Jensen is also a Padalecki, but deep inside, Jensen never thinks of himself as one. He is an Ackles through and through and he is proud of it. So he never dreamt of the day he’ll run Padalecki’s empire together with Jared. Instead, he bust himself out in studying, eager to be the best so that after he graduates, he can count on himself to earn a living. So he never really made it his concern when Jared talked to him about Padalecki’s lines of businesses. He only nodded and responded properly because it was Jared who’s talking. Because it is Jared, whom in the end, Jensen always knew he loves. So much that sometimes his heart feels so hollow on one hand, but strangely full in the other, just by thinking about him. 

 

If anything, Jensen always know that Jared will ace this business thing. He has a passion for economy and always seemed to enjoy it when he talked about it. And even though he was still a teenager at the time, Jared already knew a lot about business because Thomas expected and trained him to be that way. 

 

So when finally Jared set out for his future, maybe he realized that Jensen won’t and can’t be his partner. That even after all the façade Jensen had put on to pretend that he was interested in business as much as Jared was, Jared could see right through it and found out that Jensen was everything but. That maybe even after all the things he and Jared had shared together, this one important thing won’t be one of them. Maybe that’s why Jared decided to pursue his dream alone. Avoiding Jensen is only one of his ways to focus on his goal. And Jensen can’t blame him for that. He is only his step brother after all. Jensen is only a sad tag along after his mother that is bound to Jared’s family only by a piece of paper, namely the marriage contract. As poor as they were, Jensen and his mother joined Padalecki’s household bringing nothing but only a few possessions with them. It was a very stark contrast compared to Jared’s family. Their wealth could barely keep Jensen from gaping like an idiot when he visited Padalecki’s residence for the very first time. 

 

Simply put, though Jensen and Jared are brothers, their worlds are too different. But Jensen is foolish. He is a fool who dares to fall in love with his own stepbrother. So it wasn’t Jared’s fault if Jensen’s feelings were hurt by his own foolishness, right? Jared just wanted to reach his dream and be the person everyone expected him to be, and one of the ways to achieve that is avoiding Jensen because God knows how much an annoying distraction Jensen can be.

 

So really, there’s no reason to fuss about it. And there’s no reason for Jensen to be mad at Jared for avoiding him. He owes Jared and Jared’s family too much for that. And Jared is too good for accepting Jensen’s love anyway. 

 

That’s why he kept his pain and hurt due to Jensen’s abandonment buried deep inside his heart, repressing his bad memories and hiding his love for him.

 

Even during his avoidance, not even once did Jared hurt Jensen intentionally. He treated Jensen and his mother respectively. Every decision that he made for himself and the family, Jared would always first talk to Thomas and them. Just like when Jared decided to move to a boarding house in his university in order to be more focused on his studies and make his time spent more efficiently, he then told his decision to the rest of the family over dinner and asked for their opinion. Despite the feeling of dread and terrible sadness Jensen felt at that time, knowing that the distance between Jared and him will increase even more with this plan. Jensen would lose his only place to hang onto, knowing that he would be alone in his miserable life, Jensen had just smiled and supported Jared’s decision because it’s very kind of him to ask for Jensen’s and Mary’s opinion. Jensen felt included and close to Jared because even when Jensen is no good to Jared, Jared still thinks of him as family. He hadn’t felt that way in a very long time. And to Jensen, it proved that Jared was kind.

 

So, Jensen has no reason whatsoever to treat Jared the way he does. But his leaving must have left Jared very confused as to the reasons. He probably thinks of Jensen as an ungrateful brat. And though Jensen had a good reason to leave, the way Jensen left things between him and Jared is unforgiveable. And only God knows how Jared feels about him now. So Jensen braced himself. He is prepared to take responsibility of his own actions. Even if it means that he’ll instantly be kicked out of the house only second after Jared meets him. But if Jared, for whatever reason, allows him to stay, Jensen will make the very best to make it up to him. And while he’s at it, he will try to mend his relationship with Jared too. He will try to make Jared love him the way Jensen does. He’ll do anything it takes to do just that. Then maybe, for once, he can reach his own happiness. A kind of happiness that he always thought will never grace him in any way.

 

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

  
Author's notes: As usual, please leave comment if you like. xD  


* * *

Chapter 7

Jared was expecting to be surprised when George opens the door to the common room where he stands waiting restlessly. Three years, after all, is a long time. He expected to see Jensen in an edgier form. But the person who has followed George inside, dragging his foot and locking his gaze to the floor is definitely not what Jared had in mind. 

 

Oh, Jensen indeed has an edgy look alright. Life definitely has not been kind to Jensen for these past three years. Jensen’s used to be slim body has grown a few muscles here and there, though it doesn’t make him lose his boyish and slender appearance. He has this bright aura on his face. It’s the kind of aura that you’ll see in someone who has enjoyed his life. Jared remembers back then, when he would come home occasionally in his holidays from his boarding school, Jensen always has a sense of hollowness and exhaustion that lingered in his eyes. It made his face looked grim and it only lit up when Jensen saw him. Knowing that he could make that sorrowful look go away just by holding his hands out to Jensen, like he used to, didn’t make Jared feel any better because no matter what he couldn’t break through his resolution. Not after all of his efforts to build this distance between them. Jared kept reminding himself that this was for Jensen’s and their family’s sake. But that sight of Jensen was so pitiful that he can’t help but remember it even after so much time had passed. Right now, standing in front of Jensen, a bit part of Jared feels glad that now Jensen seems happy. But he crushed that feeling right away. 

 

Jensen’s clothes are pretty decent, but something tells Jared that those clothes Jensen’s wearing are the best pair he has. Looks like Jensen has had a rough life and is not doing so well in money, judging from the rest of the articles he has on. His hair is cut short, almost soldier-like. The color has changed somehow. It looks a lot more brown now than it is blond, though it still looks really soft.

 

There is no more baby fat left in his cheeks. Instead of chubby cheeks Jensen used to have, now it is replaced with a cheekbone so high and define that it almost makes him incorporeally beautiful. Those eye lashes, one of Jensen’s features that never ceased to amaze Jared in the past, have grown impossibly longer, or so it seems. All of these combined force Jared to admit that if he thought Jensen was beautiful then, his beauty definitely paled in comparison to how he looks now. 

 

Jared suddenly wants to kick himself in the head when a surge of lust runs through him. The lust he feels is so strong that Jared has to grip the side of table nearby to control himself. He is 23 years old for fuck sake! And though no one but Jensen has the ability to get him this worked up only by a mere sight, he won’t lose control over his dick over someone that is entirely responsible for all of the misery that happened to his family. All this time, the only thing Jared wished to do if he ever saw Jensen again, was to make him pay for all of the pain he caused him and his father. Now that Jensen has delivered himself into Jared’s clutches, he won’t ruin his revenge over some stupid repressed love and lust. So Jared just stands there, says nothing. Only waits for Jensen to show some reaction.

 

Jensen’s eyes, when he finally looks up to meet Jared’s gaze, bear more wisdom than the last time Jared saw them. Those eyes instantly rounded when he finally sees Jared. 

 

_Looks like I’m not the only one who is surprised._

 

Flickers of emotion are shown clearly in those eyes, but none of those does Jared want to identify. Seeing Jensen has fucked him up enough as it is. It’s no longer his time to be confused over troublesome feelings. Jensen is a traitor, and a traitor will never, ever, gain favor in the Padalecki family. 

 

After giving George a signal to leave, Jared gestures lightly to Jensen towards the sofa and tries to put all anger, coldness, and hate he can muster in his voice when he finally says, “Please, Mr. _Ackles_. Have a seat.”

With a satisfying feeling, Jared watches that nervous face turn pale at the tone of his voice.

 

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

  
Author's notes: Yup, a comment if you like won't hurt, right? xD

Oh, I wrote this chapter together with my beta-reader: persephone_c. So everything you'll see in this next chapter, if you like it, then remember her awesomeness. ^___^  


* * *

Chapter 8

 

Jensen has always assumed that his love for Jared is already deep as it is, yet when he finally looks up to see Jared he is pretty sure that this time he has fallen even deeper for him. Jared, as Jensen recalls, was already a very strapping young man in his university years. But this Jared, who is now standing in front of Jensen as a fully grown up man, is truly breathtaking. His handsome face has hardened through all these years and now it is full of sharp angles which only make him appear more masculine than ever. His white shirt is unable to hide all the musculature and the strong body inside. Jensen is willing to bet top dollar that Jared has added another couple of inches to his already tall frame. His towering height makes Jensen can’t help but feel a bit intimidated. And suddenly Jensen feels a little panicky when he realizes that Jared somehow has dismissed the butler so that makes them the only two in this room. Jensen tries to control his feelings, collecting all of his confidence back in its place. It works, a little. Jensen is distracted, however, when Jared makes a gesture with his hand. His very big hand. 

 

But then he hears Jared say, “Please, Mr. _Ackles_. Have a seat.” 

 

Jensen feels as though all the blood has drained from his face. 

 

It is not what he said, though Jensen is pretty sure that Jared’s addressing him as Mr. Ackles is a bit estranging, but it’s his tone and his expression that shakes Jensen to the core. His voice and expression are cold, full of malice and his gaze mocking. 

 

_So I guess I finally know how he feels about me now_ , Jensen thinks, disheartened but laced with a bit of bitterness.

 

Despite his intention to hold on no matter what Jared thinks of him, Jensen can’t help but feel his resolution shake.

 

Dumbfounded, he takes the nearest seat in the room. Jared follows him, taking another seat right across from his. For long minutes, there is only silence between them. 

 

“How are you, Jared?” Jensen asks finally, anything to break the oppressive silence. Even though he hadn't expected Jared to welcome him back with open arms, the hostility he felt directed towards him was surprising to say the least. 

 

Jared says nothing for a long time. Just keeps staring at Jensen until he sees Jensen fidgeting on his seat. _So, he wants a proper chit chat, huh? Well, he won't get that from me_. 

 

Jared leans back in his chair, crosses his leg, and puts both his arms on the armrest calmly. All the while never takes his eyes off Jensen. He decides to ask one simple question. 

 

"Why did you come back?"

 

Jensen blinks at the sudden question. Apparently Jared has decided to skip small talk. Jensen’s resolution shakes even more but he tries to keep his will strong. But in this case, there’s no way Jensen can explain his real reason for coming back. So he lies, a bit.

 

"I wanted to visit Mom's grave." Jensen says, feeling a bit defiant. His mother is buried here, he has every right to be here and visit her grave. "Among other things." 

 

Jensen really wants to chew his fingernails right about now. Chewing his nails always calms him down.

 

Jared raises his eyebrow and snorts. "Mary was dead _three years ago_ , Jensen. It sure took you long enough to play the role of a good son, don't you think?"

 

Under Jared’s hateful gaze and cold tone Jensen can no longer look at Jared properly and watches his own hands in his lap instead. But really, what can he say to answer that question? How can he say that because Thomas has died is why he finally decided to come back? How can he say that without having to tell Jared about everything? 

 

Jensen knows he deserves all the hatred dripping in Jared’s voice. Leaving your family behind without a single word is not something that Jensen is proud of either but Jensen had no choice back then and Jensen had promised to himself to _never, ever_ tell Jared the truth about his father. Jensen knows that it’ll hurt Jared immensely.

 

Although Thomas was legally married to his mother and thus it made him his stepfather, Jensen never thought of Thomas as a father figure for several reasons.

 

But Jensen knows in his heart that Jared really respects and loves his father. For a boy like Jared whose mother died before he could even remember anything, having a father like Thomas is amazing. Although Jared loved Jensen’s mother, Jensen knows that in Jared’s heart the position of mother as well as father was only filled by Thomas. That’s why Jared always tried his hardest so that he will never disappoint Thomas. Jensen assumes that Jared’s passion for business and economy is partly because Jared knows that is what Thomas will want him to do in the future. And Jensen has to admit that Thomas has raised Jared well and he was successful in being a great father to him.

 

No matter how bad Thomas was as Jensen’s father, to Jared, Thomas was everything. Maybe even more than Jensen is to him. If Jensen told Jared the truth, he is sure he’ll destroy Jared. Even if Thomas’ threats to never say a word about what goes on between Jensen and him at night behind closed doors no longer worked for Jensen, he kept his quiet because above all else, Jensen loves Jared. And he doesn’t want to be the one who hurts him. 

 

That’s why, really, in situation like this, Jensen finds himself unable to say even a word. He came back here not to dwell on the past but to reconcile his relationship with Jared. And he had to do it somehow without having to spill any of his bitter past, without having to suffer a new injury to this family. 

 

So, upon Jared’s question, Jensen can only swallow thickly and says, "I know exactly how long she's been dead.” He looks away. "Believe me I know. And I just wanted to visit her." Jensen shakes his head slightly. "Just... tell me, how are you?"

 

Jared feels a tug of regret for his harsh words but he ignores it. He knows how much Jensen loves Mary, but what Jensen did just makes no sense! Mary's been buried for three years on Padalecki's private cemetery located somewhere in the backyard of the house, why the sudden visit now? _Why should he care now?_

 

So Jared just huffs and replies with a cold tone, "Why do you care? You haven't for three years, have you?"

 

Feeling worked up, Jared is unable to sit down for another second. So he stands up and walks towards his working table, gripping the table sides as he tries to control his anger. No good can come out of losing his temper now. Despite his love for Jensen, Jared can feel that his hatred is solid and his revenge will be sweet. _All in good time, Jared._

 

Finally calming down a bit he turns towards Jensen just in time to see Jensen smile a little ruefully from his spot. 

 

"I do care Jared. I care a lot... I'm sorry it had to come to this but..." He pinches the bridge of his nose. "I missed you." 

 

Jensen is hoping to get some positive reaction from Jared for his confession, but to no avail. Jared just stands there and he has this blank expression as if he’s saying, ‘Yeah, whatever, Jensen.’ 

 

Jared's silence started getting to Jensen and he begins fidgeting again. "Please Jared... I didn't come here to fight." He says, pleading clear in his voice.

 

Jared really wants to laugh at the irony of Jensen's words. If only he knows what Jared has in store for him. And it won't be just a mere 'fight'. 

 

"You know, it's funny but your timing on coming back here couldn’t be more perfect."

 

Jensen looks up. "What are you talking about?" Jensen asks, feeling slightly worried with Jared's tone.

 

Jared notices Jensen's worry in his voice and feels a bit of satisfaction. “You see, my father has left a will. And he specifically asked for you to be there when his will is read. If you hadn’t come, I would have thrown a major search party for you. But now that you’re here, then things can proceed faster. Tonight, I’ll contact my lawyer to prepare everything. The will is going to be read tomorrow and you'll have to be there with the rest of Padalecki family.”

 

"A will? He left a will?" Jensen asks, surprise evident in his voice.

 

Jared decides not to be fooled by Jensen’s reaction. "You are smart, coming back here, knowing that maybe you’ll get some of my father’s wealth. I never thought that the one thing that can get you back is money.” Jared snorts. “But really, I should’ve known. Before father brought you here, you couldn’t even eat a decent meal, could you? For you, this family only means money anyway.”

 

Jensen feels as though a bucket of ice water has been thrown on him. "Money...? You think this is about money?" He says disbelief in his voice, and shock in his eyes. 

 

Here he is, coming back to the house where his nightmares had begun only for Jared, and Jared was accusing him of wanting money? Here he is trying so hard to make sure Jared doesn't get hurt because of what Thomas had done and Jared's accusing him of being a gold digger? He feels tears threatening to spill but blinks them back stubbornly. "I can't believe you'd think that little of me." He says, resignation in his voice.

 

 

Jared narrows his eyes and steps forward until he stands in front of Jensen, fully intending to intimidate him with his height. “Then tell me, _my dear brother_ , why did you come back after you dumped us three years ago? Why the sudden visit after you left me and father behind? After you’ve made father suffer to death because his beloved son left him so coldheartedly?”

 

Slowly, Jared bends over Jensen, gripping each sides of Jensen’s couch so that his face is on the same level with as him. "You told me you couldn’t believe how little I think of you.” Jared says on Jensen's ear. “But Jensen… trust me when I say I think of you even _less_." 

 

Jared smirks when he sees Jensen's body shiver at his words. "You blab on and on about how money isn’t the reason you are here. But you can’t give me any other reason for you to be here, can you?”

 

Jensen feels his heart constrict at Jared's words. He shivers when he feels Jared's breath on his ear and Jensen swallows thickly several times, remembering all the times he followed Jared around when they were younger, hero-worshipping him, admiring him, loving him... and now? Jared's words ring in his ears and he tries desperately to keep his tears in, barely managing to succeed. 

 

"I can't." Jensen admits, upset that his voice cracks and is not strong. "But I don't think I can ask you to trust me that I had a good reason, can I?" He looks up at Jared at that, wishing and hoping that just maybe Jared will say that 'yes, I trust you'.

 

Jared stares at Jensen. His heart hurts a bit at the pain he sees in Jensen's face. 

 

But really, who is Jensen kidding? 

 

_How can he ask me to trust him when he is the one who betrayed this family?_

 

So Jared gives no answer and let Jensen see for himself all hatred and anger colliding in Jared’s eyes. It takes only little time for Jensen's hope to get crushed by that gaze and replaced by fear and sadness, knowing that what he sees in Jared's eyes is reserved exclusively for him. 

 

Suddenly Jared stands up again and walks towards the intercom beside the door. Pressing the button, he says, “George, please take Mr. Ackles to his room. He is going to be staying here for some time.”

 

Looking back to Jensen, Jared says, “The will reading is at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning, here. Make sure you’re there.”

 

Jensen watches Jared walks out of the room, leaving Jensen behind fisting his hands with despair and frustration.

 

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

  
Author's notes: Finally! Chapter 9!  
I know I deserve a beating, severely, for making all of you wait so long.  
So with my deepest apologies, and a promise to continue this series as fast as my muse let me, I present you chapter 9.

Thank you so much for staying with me til now. I love you guys so much!

I hail persephone_c for beta-ing this story restlessly. xD

Rating will go up as the story goes, but only up to R...XD

I hope you enjoy it! Comments are loved! XD  


* * *

Jensen Ackles will never forget that one particular summer he had in the end of his first year in senior high.

 

That summer, Jensen had come to terms with the fact that Jared had been avoiding him for almost two years. 

 

But still, that fact hurts and Jensen found it hard to adapt to life without Jared’s constant presence. 

 

At that time, he hadn’t yet realized his feelings toward Jared but he knew that there was a Jared-shaped hole in his chest gaping wider and wider inside him with every passing minute. 

 

He was in high school already and he had gotten few friends. So, he tried to get through each day by hanging out with them, or staying at home and doing things with his mom, or simply playing piano whole day long hoping that things would go back to the way they were, when Jared would come home and approach the piano while Jensen played and Jared would insist that he sing him an off-key song while Jensen tried to play along and hold in his laughter but failed to do so anyway. And Jared would smack him lightly on the head, pouting, and they would end up playfully wrestling on the floor.

 

But his hope was in vain. Jared stayed out of home everyday and when he finally came home, it was at some ungodly hour and Jensen would be asleep already. The next morning, Jared would leave before Jensen woke up and no one, not even Thomas, would know when he would be home again. 

 

Jensen’s mother once asked Thomas to advise Jared against this kind of behavior but Thomas brushed her off gently by saying that it was Jared’s time to do things like these. 

 

Thomas had just said he wasn’t worried because he had faith in Jared and told the rest of the family to let these things go. 

 

So things went on the way they had. 

 

And Jensen continued to find ways to entertain himself in an attempt to forget Jared’s absence. But mostly he just stayed home, accompanying his mother as she did her gardening, or just sat around with her, chatting about every little thing. 

 

Being with Mary consoled Jensen a lot. Despite his lack of attraction in girls his age, being with his mother was surprisingly relaxing and fun. 

 

Jensen loves his mother very much and shared a very tight bond with her. Mary seemed to understand Jensen’s sadness but Jensen knew there was nothing she could do. 

 

Thomas’ words were law in the family. 

 

And Jensen also knew that lately his mother felt a bit lonely because Thomas’ workloads seemed to be increasing lately and he too, just like Jared, was rarely home. 

 

So Jensen and his mother found comfort on in each other, sharing bonds deeper than they used to be, and for a while, Jensen thought he could make it without Jared beside him.

 

Until Mary got sick. 

 

Apparently her routine headache became worse and worse until she decided to stop hiding it from her family and asked Thomas to take her to a doctor. Some tests were done on her, and when the results came, Jensen was so shocked and sad that he didn’t know what to do.

 

It turned out that his mother was diagnosed with brain cancer, and it was already a stage 4 cancer. 

 

All of a sudden, Jensen's world turned dark. 

 

The doctor said that his mother needed intensive treatments as soon as possible but that would cost a fortune. And that’s how Jensen’s biggest misery began.

 

Jensen can still picture that day as if it was yesterday. 

 

That day, it was only him and Thomas at home. Mary was staying in at the hospital until the treatment was decided. 

 

Jensen remembered Thomas asked for him in his work room. Rushing, thinking that maybe there was news on his mom’s condition that Thomas wanted to share with him; Jensen entered Thomas’ office only to be greeted with a smile from Thomas who was sitting behind his desk. 

 

Jensen felt clueless for a moment, but then Thomas told him to sit.

 

“How are you holding up, Jensen?” Thomas asked after Jensen had taken a seat. 

Jensen was a bit taken aback by the sudden question. “Not that good, Father.”

 

And then for a long time, Thomas did nothing but stared at him. Jensen fidgeted on his seat, uncomfortable under the gaze and couldn’t help but think that there was something wrong.

 

“Tell me, Jensen. How long have we been a family?” Thomas finally said. 

 

Jensen was confused. “Umm, it has been almost ten years now. I think.”

 

Thomas nodded. “So, It has been almost ten years now, I’ve taken care of you and your mother. Well, it’s a given, considering that I’ve married your mother.” 

 

Thomas lay back onto his chair. Jensen’s eyes followed his move questioningly, curious as to where this conversation was leading to.

 

“This time, however, I can’t do that kind of thing anymore. I can’t help your mother.”

 

Hearing this, Jensen was confused even more. “Wh… What do you mean, Father?”

 

Thomas once again stared at Jensen before answering. “Your mother’s treatment would cost me thousands of dollars. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

 

Jensen frowned deeper and felt a panic rising inside him. “But mother needs it. She’ll die if she didn’t get the treatment, right? Why can’t you do that? I beg you! She’s your wife, isn’t she?”

 

Thomas chuckled. Jensen got even more confused with Thomas’ reaction, because this kind of reaction was one that Jensen never expected. Thomas’ words and acts were so disturbingly cold that Jensen could feel a fear started growing in him. 

 

“I’ll tell you what.” Thomas leaned forward and looked at Jensen straight in the eyes. “I’ll do it. I’ll give every treatment there is in this world to your mother, even if it costs me my last penny.”

 

Jensen couldn’t bring himself to cheer up at what Thomas had just said, because he sensed something bad was coming. Jensen just knew that somehow, there’d be some strings attached. 

 

His worry was confirmed at Thomas’ next words.

 

“In return, you have to sleep with me.”

 

Speechless and shocked, Jensen’s eyes widen. “W… What?”

 

“You heard me. I’ll pay for each and every treatment that your mother needs, but you have to let me do whatever I want to you. Just that simple.”

 

Jensen’s back was now pressed to the chair. Fear slowly crept in him. “But father, I’m your son!”

 

At Jensen’s words, Thomas’ face turned darker and suddenly he looked as if he carried the burden of the world. “Don’t you think I know that?” 

 

Thomas laughed and it sounded strange and bitter in Jensen’s ear as he asked Jensen in a low voice, “Besides, does that matter?”

 

Jensen couldn’t even give a decent answer to those bizarre questions. He found himself dumb struck with the whole idea.

 

Seeing Jensen looking shocked, Thomas sighed. He averted his eyes from Jensen and instead stared outside the window. It was raining a bit outside, and from the looks of it, a heavy rain would occur sometime that day. Raindrops were splattering on the porch outside, making it wet in record time. 

 

“You see, Jensen. All these years, I assumed you must have understood how I feel already. I love Mary. But my love for her can’t be compared with how I feel for you. I married her for you. Because I knew that by doing so, I’ll get to have you within my reach.” Thomas’s gaze returned to Jensen. His smile was eerie and Jensen couldn’t help but shudder at him. “When I saw you for the first time, you looked so angelic and beautiful that I couldn’t help but fall for you.”

 

Jensen tried to ignore how Thomas’ eyes glazed when he said that. He had been disturbed enough by the fact that the first time Thomas met him, the time when he claimed he had fallen in love with Jensen, it was only a few days after his 6th birthday. 

 

Jensen had felt a wave of nausea begin to form in his stomach. 

 

Suddenly Thomas stood up, and walked towards Jensen. Quickly, he grabbed Jensen by his shoulders with his two hands and made him stand up too. Finally leveling with Jensen, Thomas looked straight into Jensen’s eyes. His eyes were glowing strangely, it was almost maniacal, and Jensen’s fear doubled.

 

“Jensen, I love you. I love you so much that sometimes I can’t control myself. I’ve loved you for so long. And as the time passed, I became more and more enamored by you. I want to have you. I want to have you now.” Saying that, he ducked his head and suddenly Jensen could feel Thomas’ cold lips on his neck and it took all of him to not punch Thomas right then. 

 

And it was not that Jensen was so weak that he could not get himself out of Thomas' grip, but he just felt so confused and decided to take things calmly because this? Was madness. 

 

And if anything, Jensen never thought that his stepfather would be capable of this kind of madness. But he could feel his skin starting to prickle unpleasantly so he tried to shrug Thomas off. “Father, stop it! What are you doing?!”

 

But Thomas wouldn’t let go. He just tightened his grip, causing Jensen to grimace in pain, and then whispered in Jensen’s ear. “Are you sure you want me to stop? Don’t you want to help your mother?”

 

His words stilled the struggling Jensen. Jensen could feel Thomas’ mouth on his neck forming a smile. 

 

Suddenly, Jensen felt the fear that had coiled in his stomach for the last few moments starting to grow uncontrollably. He realized, right then, that this was serious. His father had lost his mind and his threat was real. Jensen couldn’t suppress a shudder that ran through his body at hearing Thomas’ next words.

 

“Just do what I say, Jensen. And your mother will be just fine. You’ll find this enjoyable too, I believe. I’ll give you pleasure that you’ve never felt before.”

 

Jensen thought that this situation just wasn’t fair, because he could feel his struggle started to wear off after Thomas said it. If Thomas had decided not to spend a single penny on his mother’s treatment, then he would do it. 

 

That, at least Jensen knew. 

 

Thomas is a stern person and he’ll do anything to make sure the victory was his. That’s part of the reason behind him owning a major enterprise in America with countless rivals; all showed their fear and respects for him. 

 

Right then, with Thomas’ grips tight on him, Jensen was scared shitless because he knew exactly what Thomas had in store for him. 

 

But his mother was lying on hospital bed right now, pretty much in pain. And if she was not treated then she’ll die. If she dies then Jensen would be all alone in this world. 

 

Wouldn’t he? 

 

And suddenly, the fears of being alone in the world overrode his fear for Thomas. He couldn’t afford to lose his mother now. 

 

Jared had left him and his mother was all he had left. His mother was a good person and she deserved a chance to live her life longer. 

 

Right now, the only one who could save her was Jensen.

 

Thomas seemed to sense his surrender. Jensen could feel him, sickeningly gently, letting go of his iron grips on Jensen and slowly leading Jensen by the hand to the nearest sofa in the room where he made Jensen lay down.

 

At that point, Jensen was a total mess. His stomach was hurt because of the way his fear was clutching tightly and refused to let go. His head was spinning. And he couldn’t help it when tears started to form in his eyes. 

 

All the while he could hear Thomas chanting words that he must’ve thought would calm Jensen down, saying “Sssh…. It’s okay, Jen” and “Just relax and let me take care of you.” and “You’re such a good boy.” and “I love you Jensen.”

 

Yet, it only resulted in Jensen being even tenser and grabbing the side of the sofa harder. 

 

When finally Thomas laid his hands on his now bare chest, Jensen threw his head to the side, closed his eyes tightly, and wished hard for unconsciousness to take on him. 

 

 

That first time, Jensen was 16. 

 

It was raining lightly outside and summer had just begun. To some people, it’s a beginning of another amazing life. But to Jensen, that summer marked the end of his innocence, and somehow, he knew that his life would never be the same again.

 

 

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

  
Author's notes: Again, terribly sorry for the long wait.  


* * *

Jensen stares at the room he is in. 

 

This room, he remembers, used to be his. But the whole interior has changed so much that he didn't even recognize it at first. 

 

It looks like someone had put in a lot of effort to erase any reminiscences of Jensen’s existence from this room. And Jensen can guess who would want such a thing. 

 

Sighing, Jensen sits on the side of the bed and covers his face with his hands. 

 

He has been in this house no longer than an hour but he feels so tired and stressed out already. At this rate, he doubts he can keep his determination strong. The conversation he had with Jared earlier had confirmed one thing he was afraid of. 

 

Jared hates him. 

 

His hatred is so strong that Jensen feels weakened by it.

 

How can Jensen even attempt to fix things with Jared if he can’t even stand to be in the same room as Jensen? 

 

How can he make Jared believe that Jensen loves him with all his heart when he believes that Jensen only saw bags of money when he looked at Jared and his family? 

 

How can Jensen make Jared fall in love with him if Jared keeps blaming him for leaving and consequently, for Thomas’ death? 

 

Jensen really has lost his confidence. He doesn’t know what to do and he is seriously considering just leaving again.

 

But that would mean going back to that lonely and empty life and despite what had just happened, Jensen is not fond of returning.

 

All Jensen has left now is hope. He’ll stick around; hoping that time and a lot of effort from his side will erase Jared’s hatred. Jensen doesn’t know how much more of Jared’s hatred he can take but it’s too soon to give up. 

 

Suddenly finding a new strength for his determination, Jensen stands up and begins to unpack the few things he had brought with himself. George said that dinner will begin at 7 in the family dining room below. If he’s going to face Jared once again today, at least he should be prepared. A nice shower will help calm his mind and solidify his resolve. 

 

\---00o00---

 

Seeing Jensen siting across from him today while dinner is something that makes Jared feel unsettled. It reminds him of old times and it’s not what he wants to think of right now so he focuses on quickly finishing his food.

 

But apparently that’s not what Jensen has in mind. 

 

“I want to visit mom’s grave after dinner.”

 

Jared looks up just to see Jensen’s determined face. He looks like he has thought that Jared will give him a hard time about this and has prepared to do anything to make him change his mind. 

 

It seriously gets on his nerves. No matter how much he hates Jensen, he isn’t that heartless. And the fact that Jensen seems to think differently hurts him a little. 

 

“Do what you want.” Jared finally said. “Just stay away from my father’s grave.” He adds coldly.

 

Jensen’s eyes widen at Jared’s words. He had thought it would be more difficult, and though the permission still came out grudgingly, he’ll take what he can get so he resumes finishing his food. 

 

But then Jensen remembers something else he wants to ask and figuring that he won’t see Jared again after dinner, not until tomorrow, Jensen decides to just get on with it.

 

“I’ve been wondering, who else will be there at the will reading tomorrow?”

Jared stops eating and glares at Jensen. “It’s none of your business who’ll be there. You are needed to be there just so the will can be read. So stop asking stupid and pointless questions.”

 

Jensen can’t help but feels angry at Jared’s words. 

 

Indeed, he has intended to stick around and make his way to Jared’s heart, but that doesn’t mean he’ll just let Jared treat him like a piece of garbage. He expected that his life here won’t be easy since he still couldn’t allow himself to reveal the truth to Jared but allowing Jared to step all over him is not an option. 

 

Jared is burning with bitterness and anger right now, and if Jensen shows any weakness, he’ll just grab it and use it to make Jensen’s life even more miserable. Somehow, Jensen feels that he has to make himself stand on the same ground as Jared in order to gain his trust and love again.

 

“I have a right to know, Jared.” Jensen demands.

 

Jared raises an eyebrow. _So he decides to play rough, huh?_

 

If anything, it’s only causing Jared to feel more irritated. _Who the hell does he think he is??_

 

“Even if I told you, what do you care? All of the people that will be there tomorrow hate your guts just like I do. The rest of the family has acknowledged your betrayal and just like me, they hate traitors the most. So you can forget about sucking up to them because they’ll just shrug you off.”

 

Jensen sits there, dumbfounded. Once again he is amazed by Jared’s display of contempt towards him. And now Jensen knows that the rest of the family hates him too. He suddenly loses his appetite. 

 

The rest of the dinner is eaten in silence.

 

\---00o00---

 

Jensen wipes away the steady flow of silent tears off his cheeks as he stands in front of his mother's grave. 

 

It has been more than three years since the last time he stood in front of this grave. The last time was the day she was buried, the top of her grave filled with a sea of roses and flowers from the mourners. That was the day when Jensen felt that he was finally alone in the world, that his last string of hope had been taken away from him and there was no one else who could keep him sane except himself. That was also the day he had decided to leave the house. 

 

His graduation had been only a day away, and in those two days Thomas hadn't been able to do anything to him due to flock of mourners that kept on coming and going and some of their relatives were even staying over for a few more days to help Thomas around. 

 

To think of it now, the situation was very convenient, as if God finally had given him the chance to leave his misery behind. 

 

And Jensen didn’t waste the opportunity. 

 

Only two days after his graduation, Jensen found himself running away from the house he had called home for so many years. Leaving all of the things that had the potential to ruin his life any more, including Jared, who didn’t even show up for his graduation. 

 

He really missed his mother. Not being able to visit her grave in those three years has pained Jensen in so many ways. Now that he is finally here, Jensen can’t stop his tears from falling. 

 

“Mom, what should I do?” Jensen grips the side of his mother’s tombstone, somehow comforted by the coolness seeping through his fingers from the marbled stone. 

 

“It’s just that… I just want to be happy.” Jensen can feel another tear slide down his cheek and his grip gets harder. “But he hates me, Mom. Even more so than earlier , he hates me so much it hurts.”

 

A long moment passes and as soft breeze blowing over his skin, Jensen realizes that there is no one who can help him in this situation but himself.

 

He has to be strong. Happiness is indeed hard to be reached therefore he can’t give up halfway. So he wipes his tears and smiles towards the carved marble tombstone in front of him before finally walking back towards the house.

 

\-------00o00---------

 

_Jensen was sleeping on a chair beside his mother’s bed, his head laid on top of his folded arms on the bedsheets, next to his sleeping mother._

_Rays of moonlight fell into the room through the windows. Sounds of crickets in the garden outside created a lullaby for the sleeping Jensen, deepening his slumber and causing him to be oblivious as a tall figure slipped in through the door, slowly and quietly, careful as to not make any noise._

_Jared stood beside the bed. His gaze falling on Mary’s sleeping face. Jared furrowed his eyebrows in sadness and concern as he could see Mary’s thinning figure. Bags were obvious under her eyes, and it was clear that her sleep wasn’t that deep because her breathing was laboured and her face grimaced once in a while, probably due to the pain she felt. Jared reached out to fix the blanket surrounding her body before bending down and kissing her forehead softly._

_As he stood up, his gaze landed on Jensen._

_Jensen being here was something unexpected._

_Jared had assumed, and expected, that Jensen would have slept in his own room if he chose to return home at midnight from the university the weekend and check on Mary’s condition right after._

_But it was almost 3 o’clock in the morning but here was Jensen._

_Judging from the open book under his folded arms, apparently he had been fallen asleep in the middle of reading. And Jared didn’t like the situation. Not at all._

_Because it meant that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from feasting on the sight of a peacefully sleeping Jensen, looking as innocent as ever, yet dangerously tempting and it took all of Jared’s will power to not bend down and kiss Jensen. And the kiss definitely wouldn’t be on the forehead._

_Suddenly Jensen mumbled and his eyes fluttered open slowly. Not slow enough for Jared to escape the room without him knowing and Jared’s heart stopped beating for a few seconds as a pair of green eyes focusing on him. Those eyes grew wider as the owner became fully aware of Jared’s presence in the room. Jensen quickly lifted his head as Jared tried to remember how to breathe._

_“Jared?”_

_Jared had gotten back his breathing ability by the time but he found himself transfixed towards Jensen’s gaze at him._

_“You’re home!” Jensen smiled brightly. His green eyes shone and he looked so genuinely happy just by seeing Jared in the same room as him. Jensen had always had a brother complex syndrome and Jared couldn’t help but curse the fact because that didn’t help the situation they were in._

_Jared nodded to Jensen. “Go sleep in your room, Jen.” Jared knew he couldn’t fully hide hints of care in his voice as he said that._

_And he soon regretted it because as he turned around to walk out of the room, Jensen’s unsure voice was heard, calling Jared’s name in a rush to stop him._

_“I’m so glad you came back this week. I mean… you weren’t home for two months already.” Jensen said when Jared did stop, obviously treading carefully with his words._

_Jared turned back reluctantly to Jensen, once again nodding._

_Jensen started to fidget with his fingers and Jared scowled because he couldn’t help finding Jensen looking so cute and fragile like that. It made Jared itch with the urge to cross the room and hug him. The thought made him frown deeper._

_“Um, I’m just wondering. It’s been a while since we did things together, hasn’t it?” Jensen flicked a cautious glance at Jared._

_Jared tightened his grip because he knew where this conversation would lead to and he didn’t like it._

_“Well, tomorrow is Sunday, so I plan to take Mom out to the garden and have a picnic. You know, like old times. Just sitting together, enjoying the weather. Play around…” Jensen’s voice wavered a bit in Jared’s ear as his own jaw tightened, doing nothing to hide his displeasure. But Jared knew Jensen too well and knew he wouldn’t give up that easily._

_“Well,” Jensen laughed nervously. “If… If you have time, would you like to come and join us, Jared?” He finished his sentence quickly afraid Jared would walk away before he did._

_Jared could see Jensen’s eyes were filled with hope so he gritted his teeth and forced his mouth open and said, “I am sorry, Jen. I have a date tomorrow. Tell Mom I’m sorry for me, okay.”_

_Jared resumed walking out of the room, only to be stopped by Jensen’s sudden grip on his hand. His eyes were wide and desperate as they met Jared’s._

_“Did I do something wrong?” Jensen asked and Jared could feel the hand holding him tremble a bit._

_Jared felt a stab of pain inside as the full meaning of Jensen’s question finally hit him. He shook his head hard. “No.”_

_Jared tried to pull his hand off of Jensen’s because his skin had started prickling pleasantly at the feel of Jensen’s skin on his. Familiar heat spread uncontrollably from his hand and Jared started to panic._

_“Please, Jared.” Jensen said in a cracked voice, grip tightening. “I miss you.”_

_That last sentence broke Jared’s calm composure._

_“Let go of me.”_

_Jared was surprised on how rough and low his voice came out, but Jensen’s hold on him finally loosened and he couldn’t think of anything else other than pulling his hand away. He left the room as fast as possible, trying hard to erase the image of the hurt expression on Jensen’s face and the memory of the single drop of tear falling on Jensen’s cheek as the door closed behind him._

 

\------00o00----------

 

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

  
Author's notes: Chapter 11, finally...

Sorry, again, for the slow update...  


* * *

The bright light of morning sun wakes Jensen up. He frowns a bit because it’s not his habit to wake up late. But judging from how restless his sleep last night, Jensen isn’t really surprised.

 

 

So he hurriedly takes a bath and puts on decent clothes. The will reading will start soon and he doesn’t want to risk being late and catches even more attention than he has already gotten.

 

 

One of the maid passes him by on his way to the common room and Jensen can’t help but notice her curious glance at him. He sighs.

 

 

As the common room’s door opened, Jensen can see that nobody comes yet but one person. And that person, Jensen recognizes, is the one giving him strange looks from inside of his car yesterday.

 

 

That man looks at Jensen and smiles. A predatory smile, Jensen can tell, as he tries to hide his nervousness.

 

 

“Hey, there.” The man grins. Jensen smiles back a little.

 

 

“Hey.” And he approaches the man, reaching out his hand. “I’m Jensen.”

 

 

The man looks amused as he shakes Jensen’s hand. “Yeah, I know.”

 

 

Jensen lifts his eyebrow questioningly.

 

 

“I’m Jeff, Padalecki’s family lawyer.” Jeff explains and laughs a bit as a surprised looks formed on Jensen’s face, followed by an understanding expression.

 

 

“So, you’re the one who’ll read the will?” Jensen asks, a bit relaxed now knowing that Jeff isn’t one of Padaleckis that he hasn’t met yet.

 

 

“Yeah. Nervous?” 

 

 

Jensen straightens his back, trying his best to not look lost. “No.”

 

 

“Curious?”

 

 

“About the will?” Jensen folds his arms on his chest. “Not really.”

 

 

“Uh-huh.” Jeff grins and Jensen smiles, feels relaxed all of a sudden at the tone of teasing in Jeff’s voice.

 

 

For a moment, none of them says anything. Jeff turns his attention to piles of papers on the desk in front of him and Jensen walks towards a chair to sit. He’s way too nervous to keep standing.

 

 

Suddenly the door opened and Jared walks in. His eyes brush Jensen’s for a second before turning to Jeff.

 

 

“Jeff, are you ready?” Jared asks the lawyer and Jensen tries his best to ignore the fact that Jared acts like Jensen isn’t here; in the same room with him.

 

 

“Sure. You can start anytime.” Jeff says as he collects the papers scattered on the desk into a pile.

 

 

“Good.” Jared nods, satisfied. Then he laughs. “Look at you.” He says to Jeff. “It’s rare to see you wearing such a stuck up suit like that.”

 

 

Jeff frowns and looks down at his clothes. “Yeah, well.” He shrugs. “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, right?”

 

 

Jared grins. “You’re right. Sometimes I forget that behind all that perverted middle aged man image, you’re still, after all, a respectable lawyer.”

 

 

“Bite me.” Jeff can only say and it makes Jared laughs harder.

 

 

Through all of that, Jensen can only sit and watch. And really, he has tried to ignore all the jealousy bile rises from the back of his throat at the display of closeness in front of him; the kind of closeness he’s desperately wanted to have since long time. But Jensen knows that the sudden stiff he feels on his face muscles proves that he fails. 

 

 

Jensen had assumed, well, he _wants_ to assume, that Jared’s coldness is there by default. His first thought ever since he met Jared again: that the hatred in Jared’s eyes is reserved for him and for him only, Jensen kind of hope that it’s wrong. 

 

 

But the loving and friendly gaze he is witnessing in Jared’s eyes as he is fooling around with the handsome lawyer confirms otherwise.

 

 

And staring down at his tightening fists, trying hard to hide his jealousy and sadness from Jared’s view is all Jensen can do as Jared walks pass him, makes no move or sound to acknowledge Jensen’s presence, and disappears behind the door.

 

 

Jensen sighs at the sound of the door closed. He lifts his head only to find Jeff staring at him. The stare is a curious one, and Jensen averts his gaze off Jeff, watching the beautiful mosaic ceiling instead.

 

 

He tries to calm himself as he can see Jeff takes a seat right across him a few moments later.

 

 

“So,” Jeff begins. “You’re Jared’s stepbrother?”

 

 

Jensen looks at Jeff and nods slowly.

 

 

“You’re _the_ stepbrother who ran away a few years ago?” Jeff asks again.

 

 

Jensen is a bit taken aback by the question, and decides to ignore it.

 

 

“Well, perhaps that’s the reason I didn’t see enough brotherhood between you and Jay back there, am I right?” Jeff continues his questions despite the silence and the obvious uncomfortable feeling Jensen shows on his face at his questions.

 

 

Jensen ignores it, again.

 

 

Jeff smiles and lifts up his both hands. “I’m sorry. I tend to interrogate people when my curiosity is piqued. And of course when I did it outside the courtroom, it becomes a very impolite habit.”

 

 

Jensen just spares him a glance and Jeff can’t help but feel amused by him. 

 

 

Jeff knows already that Jared hates this guy -this sensual and handsome guy if Jeff may add- to the guts. But Jared never told him why. 

 

 

Jared indeed has a talent to become such a drama queen sometimes, but Jeff is certain that there are strong reasons behind his best buddy hating his own step brother that way. And so far, his clever brain and his observation ability can only bring him to some vague conclusions and guesses about it. 

 

 

But today, seeing hints of jealousy on Jensen’s expression as Jared was fooling around with him, Jeff thinks no one can blame him if he thinks of it in a different way now.

 

 

What if, and that’s a big ‘IF’, Jensen has feelings for Jared? Or maybe it is Jared who has feelings for Jensen. 

 

 

Now that Jeff thinks about it, he can’t help but notice that Jensen is totally Jared’s type. Well, as Jared’s best friend, Jeff can safely say that Jared has tried every ‘flavor’ exists in this world and Jeff knows Jared isn’t one to be picky, especially because sooner or later he will dump them anyway. 

 

 

But, there are certain types of people that Jeff notices Jared would have had a longer relationship with. And all of the types - _all of them_ \- match perfectly with this Jensen.

 

 

Jeff really thinks that he needs to look further into this newfound piece of information.

 

 

“Are you and Jared…?” Jensen’s unfinished question pulls Jeff back to reality.

 

 

“What?” Jeff lifts his eyebrow, curious though he can guess what Jensen wants to ask him.

 

 

Jensen doesn’t answer directly. He fidgets a bit on his seat and, to Jeff’s awe, blushes. God, Jeff had spent too much time among manipulative men and women. He works as a _lawyer_ , for God sake. And it’s been too long since he saw the display of innocence of this kind. 

 

 

“Well, you know…” 

 

 

Jeff smiles amusedly. “Am I and Jared a couple, you mean?”

 

 

Jensen blushes more, and nods a little.

 

 

Jeff, he himself admits, is many things. A big teaser is one of them. And people like Jensen, Jeff knows this by experience, are the most fun to tease.

 

 

“What do _you_ think?” Jeff asks Jensen back, has already feels a tingle of pleasure in his brain as he sees Jensen’s eyes grow bigger at his question.

 

 

“I…” Jensen stammers. “I don’t know. I mean, I know it isn’t any business of mine. It’s… It’s just that I saw how close you two were and I can’t help but wondering.” 

 

 

Jeff grins as he feels things get more interesting.

 

 

“Well, I don’t know…” Jeff says and acts like he is thinking seriously. “I kissed him, I hugged him, and I’ve slept with him. Is that count as a couple in your book?”

 

 

The thing is, Jeff doesn’t lie. He indeed had done all of those things with Jared in the past, though Jeff never thought of them as a couple. Jared and he have been friends for ages and considering the fact that both of them are two very attractive men with active sexual life, it wasn’t a wonder when they grow fond on each other. And when the sexual tension between them had become unbearable, it wasn’t long before they take their relationship onto the bed.

 

 

But when it was done, apparently that was all there was to it. Both of them had tried to prolong the chemistry, but it was to no avail. Jeff was just too uncommitted, and Jared was just too unattached. It was like Jared was always looking for something Jeff doesn’t have. And besides, they both are too dominant to let themselves be overpowered by each other. Thus, the relationship ended just like that. 

 

 

_The easiest break up I’ve ever had_ , Jared once said. 

 

 

Though considering how close they were as friends, Jeff wasn’t surprised that they could adjust back to their platonic rhythm fast. 

 

 

And that’s how they are, even until now. Best friends. 

 

 

But then Jensen’s face turns into what you call devastated expression. It takes long enough for the younger man to realize his own expression before he tries to hide it with a half smile. 

 

 

And Jeff doesn’t know why but seeing it, all of his suspicions earlier are confirmed and suddenly all of the fun he had from teasing Jensen is suddenly disappeared. 

 

 

_This guy is serious_ , Jeff thinks and he is about to grin and pat Jensen a little in the back and tell him that he is joking about what he said and all that when suddenly Jared enters the room once again, with several men and women tailing him right behind.

 

 

“Jeff, you can start now.” Jared said and turns to people behind him, gesturing them to take a seat. 

 

 

Jeff knows that it is no longer the right time to set the misunderstanding right with Jensen and decides that he can do it later when he has chance to be alone with him. Jeff tries to give Jensen a regretful look but Jensen is busy staring down to the floor and he looks so messed up that Jeff scolds himself inside once again.

 

 

Jeff stands up and looks at the people Jared brought to the room with him.

 

 

_Shame_ , is the word that pops in Jeff’s mind as he is looking at them, because despite how all the fortune Padalecki family has can survive them until tenth generation, Padalecki’s ancestry line is always quite short.

 

 

Thomas only has one younger sister, Mrs. Sarah. And his husband, Mr. Brent Robinson, now runs Padalecki’s business empire alongside Jared as his Vice CEO. Both of them nod their acknowledgement towards Jeff as they take their seat on the couch, furthest from where Jensen is sitting. 

 

 

Their only son, Freddy Robinson Jr. who is, in Jeff’s honest opinion, a little bit stupid but a lot of arrogant and ambitious is following right behind his parents, taking a seat next to them. His eyes soon find Jensen and, different from his parents who choose to ignore Jensen’s existence, he gives Jensen an unpleasant stare instead. 

 

 

Jeff tries not to roll his eyes at that and sighs. He can’t help but think that he really doesn’t envy Jensen’s position right now. All this time, Jared never hides his hatred to Jensen and it’s no wonder that the whole Padalecki-clan has been harboring the same hatred, even when Jeff is sure that they don’t understand Jared’s reason more than he does. And in moments like this, Jeff can imagine that the hatred grows stronger in some people because Jensen as one of Padalecki’s heir becoming the black sheep of the family will be profitable for them.

 

 

Cathleen Jameson, Jared’s faithful but an honest-to-god-boring secretary enters the room right after. Jeff figures she is probably here to write down something on Jared’s order. She always finds something to write down anyway.

 

 

From his seat right next to the desk, Jared is signaling him to start.

 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Jeff nods to everyone from behind the big desk, hands searching over the pile of paper before pulling Thomas’ will out of it. “We’re here to hear the reading of the will of our beloved father, brother, and friend: Thomas Alton Padalecki, may he rest in peace.”

 

 

Mumbles of _Amen_ are heard in the room, yet Jeff notices Jensen’s lips are sealed still and his expression turns hard. 

 

 

Frowning at that sight, he opens the folded paper of the will and starts to read it aloud.

 

 

“If this will is read than that can only mean my son, Jensen Ross Padalecki, has come back and is sitting among all of you here in Padalecki Residence.”

 

 

Jeff can see from the corner of his eyes how most of people’s heads in the room turn to Jensen’s direction, causing the young man to fidget uncomfortably and he holds back a sigh before continuing to read.

 

 

“Therefore I, Thomas Alton Padalecki, with this law-enforced will, have decided to inherit all of my money and assets according to these details: My dear sister Sarah Padalecki shall own two of my villas in California and Miami along with everything inside, all of my shares in Padalecki Advertising, and a bank account worth 10 million dollars. My brother in law, Brett Robinson, shall receive a bank account worth 15 million dollars. He shall stay in his position as Vice CEO in Padalecki Enterprises and he shall receive his full salary along with other benefits that stick to the position, as long as he does his job properly. His position can only be removed by three things, which are: voting done in a board meeting that requires him to resign from his position, or if he is proved to have misused his authorities which cause damage to the company, or if the law decides that he is no longer married to my sister. My nephew, Freddy Robinson Jr. shall receive a bank account worth 3 million dollars and a penthouse in New York. 

The rest of my money saved in various bank accounts and the rest of my assets which consist of my entire share in Padalecki Enterprises, Padalecki Oil, Padalecki Records, Padalecki Estate and Padalecki Law Firm; other houses including Padalecki Residence, villas, and penthouses located in various areas all over the world; two wineries in Paris; and all the vehicles I have, shall be inherited and divided equally to two of my sons, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ross Padalecki. 

Each of them shall have half of my money and assets mentioned previously but it will only be legit in the eyes of the law after they both have fulfilled one condition: they have to live together in Padalecki residence for a whole 6 months starting from the day this will is read. 

If one of them, for one or other reasons breaks this condition given to them, then all of his share will become the other’s possession.

Both of them can use their share if they need it, as soon as after this will is read. But if they broke the condition, they have to pay back all the money they’ve used. My lawyer, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, will make sure of it.

I wish all the best for you, my dear family. Thank you. With love, Thomas.” 

 

 

Jeff lifts his eyes from the piece of letter he is holding in his hand to the group of people in front of him. The room is very silent and some people look at him with unbelieving stare.

 

 

Jeff smiles --can’t help but feel amused. “Are there any question, ladies and gentlemen?” 

 

 

“How come _he_ gets the share?” Freddy Robinson, not quite to Jeff’s surprise, raises his voice instantly while sending death glare towards Jensen who suddenly looks even paler than before.

 

 

Jeff stares sharply at Freddy. “I’m afraid that’s none of your concern, Mr. Freddy. Thomas made this will in full conscious and under no pressure whatsoever. But if what you mean is that you doubt my credibility as Padalecki’s family lawyer, then…”

 

 

Sarah Padalecki puts her hand on top of her son’s, silently calming him. “Please forgive my son’s rudeness, Mr. Jeffrey. It’s just that we are all very surprised to hear the last part of the will. All of us here know exactly how cruel and horrible Mr. Jensen had treated this family in the past.” She smiles timidly to Jared, and then to Jeff. “Are you sure there is no mistake here, Mr. Jeffrey?”

 

 

Jeff tries to hide his gritted teeth. “I am sorry, Mrs. Sarah. The will is exactly as I read it.” He gives her a forced smile for the sake of politeness. “I can give you the copy if you’d like.”

 

 

If Sarah heard the cynical tone in Jeff’s voice then she doesn’t show it because she turns her head to his husband and his son and soon three of them are beginning to be involved in a heated conversation. Freddy’s eyes keep glancing sharply to Jensen.

 

 

Jeff glares at Jared, silently asking him for help and to take over from here. But Jared is just sitting there with faraway looks and smiles on his face. And Jeff knows that it’s Jared’s face when he is contemplating something inside that big head of him.

 

 

Jeff looks at Cathleen and rolls his eyes at the sight of her taking notes busily. Only God knows what it is she is scribbling on.

 

 

So then finally he looks at Jensen. 

 

 

Jensen’s hands are entwined tightly together. His eyes are wild and panic as he is staring at the floor. And then those green eyes suddenly look up, right into Jeff’s eyes.

 

 

Jeff can see tears glistening in his eyes, threaten to fall down at any minute, and Jeff gulps down feelings of pity and concern that fill him all of a sudden.

 

 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t accept the heritage.” Jensen’s voice trembles, and he flicks a glance towards Jared. “I think I’ll just leave.” Then he stands up, muttering another sorry, before taking quick steps out of the door.

 

 

The door clicks with a loud sound behind Jensen and Jeff knows he is gaping, and so is almost everyone in the room.

 

 

Jeff turns to look at Jared, saying ‘now what?’ with his glares. But Jared looks just as surprised as him and all Jeff gets is a confused back stare. 

 

 

Jeff sighs. “I’ll talk to him.” And he can feel everyone’s eyes on his back as he follows Jensen outside.

 

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

  
Author's notes: Chapter 12 in the beginning of this month as I promised.

Thanks a whole lot guys for sticking around and commenting. MEans a LOT to me. :D  


* * *

Jensen would never have expected things to have developed the way they did. Not in a thousand years.

 

 

Yes, sure he came back... but getting half of Thomas’ wealth in the form of inheritance had never even crossed his mind before.

 

 

Even without it, Jared already thought of him as a heartless-gold-digger.

 

 

Now that his life has taken such a drastic turn, Jensen really has no idea how he can convince Jared otherwise. It’ll be impossible to fix his image now if he accepts the inheritance and even if he tried, all Jared would do is laugh at him. Not to mention all the hostility he felt by every other member of the Padalecki family back in the study.Jensen knows that he’s not the most favorite Padalecki family member at the moment, but all those hateful looks and sneers from the people he always considered as family was a shock nevertheless. And now things have gone from complicated to disastrous for him.

 

 

That’s why he, in a spur of the moment, decided to refuse it.

 

 

He doesn’t want Thomas’ money. Never did. Even before all those things happened to him in the past, Jensen has always dreamed of living by himself, independent, self-sufficient.

 

 

Jensen doesn’t see any other choice accept leaving this house again. It’s the only choice actually, even if it will only make him look like a coward.

 

 

But Jensen won’t go far. He’ll find a job in this town. Maybe work two jobs. And he’ll rent an apartment nearby. He’ll figure how to fix things with Jared then. Take his time with it, approach the problem slowly and calmly.

 

 

Though he doubts it’ll be easy. Jared has Jeff by his side now. And to tell the truth, Jensen fears that Jared won’t even spare him a glance. 

 

 

Jeff is handsome, rich, and clever. He is a well-known lawyer, and must be a very popular figure in society. As for Jensen..., Jensen is nothing compared to him.

 

 

Jensen is just a nobody. And even worse? He has been tainted. 

 

 

Dirty. 

 

 

Part of his reason to never tell Jared the truth is because he fears how Jared will look at him after finding out. Jensen shudders just by thinking about it.

 

 

But he has made up his mind. No matter what, he has to try. 

 

 

He doesn’t know how else to achieve his own happiness if he gives up now. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jeff takes a relieved breath when he finally finds Jensen in the garden, sitting with a frown on his handsome face, and he approaches him carefully. 

 

 

The younger man seems to be deep in thought because he doesn't notice Jeff until he's standing right in front of him.

 

 

“Hey, there.”

 

 

Jensen looks up, his eyes widening at the sight of Jeff, but he gives him a weak smile anyway. “Hey.”

 

 

Jeff gestures with his chin at the empty seat beside Jensen. “May I?”

 

 

Jensen looks at him long, gaze assessing, before finally nodding at him.

 

 

“I’m sorry for my rudeness back there.” Jeff hears Jensen say as he sits down on the bench, grinning in answer.

 

 

“Don’t sweat it, Jen.”

 

 

“But I’m serious about what I said.” Jensen’s expression is hard and stubborn and Jeff doesn’t say anything. Jeff shudders as a cool breeze blows over his suddenly chilled skin.

 

 

“You’re the lawyer.” Jensen continues. “Just tell me what to do or what to sign in order to legalize my intention.”

 

 

“Is it because of the things I said before?” Jeff questions. “You know, things about me and Jay?”

 

 

Jensen stares at him sharply. “No.” And Jeff can see Jensen’s eyes cloud for a second before he looks away to break eye contact.

 

 

Jeff sighs. “Listen, Jen. Jared and I… sure we were a couple once but it’s all in the past now and we’re simply just best friends. That is God's honest truth.”

 

 

But Jensen doesn’t say anything. He didn't even know what he was expected to say in response to that.

 

 

He couldn't tell Jeff that he was relieved to hear that because even if he was, the knowledge that Jeff knew how it felt to be held by Jared, to be kissed by him and wake up next to him and have Jared smile only for him... that knowledge stung, and burned and Jensen couldn't say that he was relieved when he was so horribly jealous of him.

 

 

Jeff sighs at Jensen's silence before reaching to the side and grabbing an envelope. He pushes this envelope into Jensen's hands who shoots him a questioning look.

 

 

“If you already have your heart set then there’s nothing more I can do, Jen. But I still have one last thing to do and that's the envelope you have in your hands.” Jeff explains.

 

 

Jensen frowns and looks at the envelope again.

 

 

“It’s for you. Thomas told me to give it to you after his will is read. So there you go.” 

 

 

Jeff's words bring the clouded look on Jensen's face back. He can see Jensen pale; his hands shake a little as he gripped the envelope in a white knuckled grip.

 

 

Jeff has noticed it before but seeing Jensen's reaction again he is more than sure that something horrible must have happened between Jensen and Thomas. And Jeff is so certain that he would bet all his belongings that Jensen's leaving had more reasons than what met the eye.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

In his room, Jensen is sitting on his bed.

 

 

The texture of the envelope is soft as he brushes his palm over it. And there is almost no sound when he tears it open.

 

 

Jensen tries to still his suddenly trembling fingers, takes a deep breath and starts to read.

 

 

And by the time he is finished, he can't stop the tears falling from his eyes.

 

 

Apparently Thomas can hurt him even beyond the grave.

 

 

Jensen wipes his tears unsuccessfully. Gritting his teeth, he knows that what he had planned to do earlier would be the best way to go about things for now. So he reaches over to pick up the phone by his bed and punch some numbers.

 

 

If he’s going to go with his plan, first he has to tell Mike and Tom about it.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jared hasn't stopped frowning since this morning... not since after Jensen told everyone that he won’t accept his inheritance and then stormed out of the common room with Jeff at his tail. Jensen's reaction had thrown Jared for a loop, confused him because Jared's plans for Jensen are based on the impression that Jensen is a selfish gold digger. 

 

 

But Jensen's actions earlier have ruined that image enough that Jared is confused. He can feel the dull throb of a headache forming from all the questions forming in his head now.

Enraged by all of these doubts, Jared is close to slamming his fist on the table in front of him. Because so what if Jensen said all that? It could’ve been a facade. 

 

 

Maybe it’s one of Jensen’s sneaky ways to earn his trust. 

 

 

Jared won’t be fooled anymore because what reality had showed him was that Jensen had abandoned this family. Jensen owes his father’s life to him. And nothing in this world can change that.

 

 

Actually his father's will turned out to be a little unexpected. And no, it’s not the fact that even if Jensen had left his family in the past, his father was still going to share his wealth with him that surprised Jared. 

 

 

Jared knows his father loved Jensen too much, unfairly so, to do anything else.

 

 

Therefore Jared’s plan was pretty simple, though for his gold-digger brother, Jensen, the plan would be highly unpleasant.

 

 

Jared had been planning and studying ways to take away Jensen’s inheritance. Some are legal, some aren’t. But the conditions in the will that followed the inheritance are the one thing that is unexpected for Jared, and it means he has to start to make some adjustments to his plan. 

 

 

Jared has no clue whatsoever on what made his father set this kind of condition. The only reason Jared can think of is that maybe his father thought this condition could help mend Jared’s relationship with Jensen.

 

 

If that's the reason then Jared knows he’ll disappoint his father because now that he thinks about it, Thomas’ will is actually going to make Jared’s plan go smoother than he had expected. Because right now, all he has to do is just make sure Jensen won’t be able to stand living together with him under the same roof for 6 months. 

 

 

Jared smirks, satisfied, because in one way or another, he’ll make sure Jensen lives through same hell as he did.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

It takes six rings until finally somebody answers the phone at the bar Jensen used to work with Mike and Tom at.

 

 

“Port Locke Bar, can I help you?”

 

 

Jensen smiles when he recognizes the voice belonging to Marty, Port Locke’s friendly bartender. “Hey, Marty. It’s me, Jensen.”

 

 

“Jenny! Man, it’s been ages since I heard your voice.”

 

 

Jensen laughs. “Tell me about it. Sorry for not contacting you sooner. Things have been kind of hectic lately.”

 

 

“Nah, it’s okay. Things are starting to get crazy in this hell hole as well. Without Tom, these customers are going berserk. Hell, dealing with these bastards is not in my job description!”

 

 

Jensen frowns. “Tom doesn’t work there anymore?”

 

 

There is a moment of silence on the other end of the line and Jensen suddenly has a bad feeling.

 

 

“Oh, you don’t know?” Jensen can hear the doubt in Marty’s voice. 

 

 

“Marty,” Jensen’s grip on the receiver gets tighter. “What happened?” 

 

 

“I don’t think lI'm the best person to tell you this, Jen. Hold on a minute, will you?”

 

 

And Jensen has to pull the phone away from his ear for a moment as Marty calls out Mike’s name loudly.

 

 

“Hey, Jen.” Mike’s voice is heard a moment later and Jensen frowns deeper because Mike, the hyperactive-bouncing-all-over-the-place-Mike, sounds tired and spiritless. 

 

 

“Hey, Mike. I’m sorry for not calling you for a while. Where’s Tom?”

 

 

Another silence stretches over the phone and now Jensen feels dizzy with fear because something bad has happened for sure.

 

 

“Um,” Mike speaks softly. “Yeah, well. I’ve been meaning to tell you this, but the job gets demanding here and I need the money. So…”

 

 

Jensen grits his teeth. “Skip the small talk, Mikey. Where’s Tom?”

 

 

“He’s in the hospital.” Mike says finally, and his voice cracks a bit at the end.

 

 

“What?” Jensen gapes. “Why? When? How?”

 

 

Jensen can hear Mike sighing. “You know he has a weak heart, Jen. And I don’t know what caused it, but the day after you left, he had a heart attack.”

 

 

“What?!”

 

 

“It almost made me have one too, you know? Seeing him sprawled on the bar floor like that in the middle of our shift, for a moment I didn’t even know what to do. Then Marty and I brought him to the hospital right away, and after a couple of hours, his condition was stable.”

 

 

Jensen can hear that Mike isn't finished so he waits, worrying his bottom lip.

 

 

“He’s fine now. But he still needs to be hospitalized for further treatment and the doctor said that his heart has reached its limit. If he doesn’t get operated to fix it soon, then…” Mike’s voice wavered.

 

 

“Then?”

 

 

“Doctor said he only has three months left, give or take.”

 

 

Jensen’s legs suddenly feel rubbery and he decides that he needs to sit down.

 

 

“How much?” Jensen asks, voice trembling, and he almost can’t hear Mike’s answer because it’s mixed up with Mike’s crying.

 

 

“I’ve tried, Jen. Hell, I even work double shifts now and I’ve begged John to allow me to cover Tom’s shift. But you know the pay at the bar sucks big time and I’m not sure I can find another job if I quit. At this rate, I can never afford the operation cost.” 

 

 

Jensen can feel tears starts to form in his eyes and he rubs it away. “Mike, _how much_?”

 

 

“A hundred grand.” Despair is clear in Mike’s voice, “Fuck, Jen. How can I get 100,000 dollars in three months?”

 

 

Jensen closes his eyes tightly for some seconds before opens it again. Strong will in his voice as he is asking Mike. “Which hospital is Tom in?”

 

 

For a second Mike doesn’t answer. “He’s in East General Hospital, room 203. The treatment is better there.” Hope and doubt mix in his next words. “You’ll come?”

 

 

Jensen starts calculating. “I’ll leave tonight by bus, and if the trip runs smoothly I figure I’ll meet you guys there tomorrow night?”

 

 

“I’ll see if I can get off my shift faster, but yeah. We’ll see you there.” For a moment none of them say anything. 

 

 

“Hey, Jen.” Mike breaks the silence finally. “Thanks.”

 

 

Jensen smiles. “See you tomorrow, Mikey.” He says before ending the call.

 

 

Sighing, Jensen stands up to start packing for the trip. He doesn’t feel like meeting Jared right now so maybe he’ll just leave him a note, inform him about his leaving for a couple of days which is probably unnecessary because Jensen doesn't think Jared even gives a damn.

 

 

_So_ , Jensen thinks sadly as he zips up his duffel bag, _looks like there won’t be any new plan for me._

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Tom looks so pale, even paler than he used to be. Jensen looks at all the tubes running from Tom's arms into machines that beep quietly through blurry eyes, and he tightens his hold on Tom's hand, reminding himself that he's sick but he's still here, and there's still time to help him.

 

 

“I don’t believe it.” Mike sounds awed behind him. “That bastard passed on millions of dollars to you?”

 

 

Jensen shrugs a bit. “I was surprised too.”

 

 

“But, but…” Mike starts to pace back and forth, annoyance clear on his face. “What’s with that stupid condition? And that cruel shit he wrote in his letter? He’s sick; I’ll tell you that, Jen.”

 

 

Jensen gives him a _don’t-I-know-that?_ -glare.

 

 

Mike stops his pacing and stands across Jensen on the other side of Tom’s bed. 

 

 

“So,” His hands folded on his chest as he stares at Jensen. “What’ll you do now?”

 

 

But Jensen doesn’t answer. He just stares back at Mike and it takes him a full minute to recognize the meaning of that stare and his eyes widen. 

 

 

“Oh, no.” He says angrily. “No fucking way, Jenny. You can’t do that.”

 

 

“I have to, Mikey.” Jensen smiles sadly and turns his gaze to Tom. “Tom needs the money.”

 

 

Jensen can see Mike does the same and beeps of machines are heard clearly as silence fills the room.

 

 

“I’m sorry to say this, Jen. But from what I’ve gathered from your story, he hates you even more now.” Mike shakes his head. Hints of bitterness can be heard in his voice. “You’ll just be suffering again if you decide to stay.”

 

 

Jensen looks at Mike whose face scrunches with sadness. It scares him how Mike looks so helpless. Mike used to be a carefree guy and nothing could bring him down. But apparently the burden of Tom’s sickness is just too much for him. Jensen decides to use his last tactic.

 

 

“Don’t you want to see Tom back on his feet again, healthy and smiling? Don’t you want to see his soft smile again?” Jensen knows he's playing dirty. But it’s the only way he knows how to get Mike to agree with his plan.

 

 

Mike glares at him and Jensen’s heart twinges in pain when he sees tears brimming in Mike’s eyes. 

 

 

“I do. Damn it, Jen, you know I do.” Mike hisses. “But I’ll be damned if it means making you go through that hell once again.”

 

 

Mike wipes at his tears angrily and begins to pace again. “Screw this. Tom’s condition needs to be stabilized more and the doctor said the operation can only be done two months from now.” He stops and looks stubbornly at Jensen. “I’ll figure something out by then.”

 

 

“We both know it’s unlikely, Mike, and I know you won’t have the heart to gamble with that idea... not with Tom’s life at stake.” Jensen says softly and at that very second, he can see Mike’s defense crumbling down. Jensen knows he's won the argument this time.

 

 

So he lets go of Tom’s hand and walk towards Mike. Raising his hands to grip Mike’s shoulders, Jensen gives him a reassuring smile. “I’ll be just fine, Mikey.”

 

 

And Jensen can see that Mike doesn’t buy it but he says nothing because they both know it’s the only way.

 

 

Jensen just has to make sure he’s ready for what’s to come.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

“I’ll stay.” Jensen says and he can see Jared’s eyes slowly darkened beneath his raised eyebrows.

 

 

Jared feels so stupid because the hidden hope in his heart, that Jensen is actually different from what he has thought all this time, is suddenly crushed upon hearing Jensen’s words.

 

 

“Why am I not even the slightest bit surprised?” Jared snorts. His face is grim. “You almost got me when you said you don’t want any share of my father’s wealth, but I should have known better.” The sarcasm is thick in his words. “I bet right now you’re thrilled knowing how you’ve become so rich in just one night.” 

 

 

Jensen fists his hand, fingernails digging deep into his palm as he tried to bear all the hatred and disgust reflected in Jared’s stare. “I meant what I said back then. But I have my own reasons to change my mind.”

 

 

Jared doesn't say anything for a while... but when he breaks the silence, his eyes are dark with anger, his jaw tight with disgust and his body rigid with tension as he sits behind his desk, regarding Jensen standing in front of him.

 

“Do what you want, Jensen. But remember this.” Jared leans forward, hostility coloring his every word. “I hate you. So much, and I will never let you have your peace.”

 

 

Jensen walks out of the study soon after that because he doesn’t want Jared to see even a single tear falling down his cheek.

 

 

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

  
Author's notes: Okay, the comments and supports I got in the last chapter really whipped me to work harder. And after putting up several traps here and there, I finally catch my muse~! *sings happily*  
Thank you all~!  
The adorable and awesome Lubna beta-ed this chapter. And as usual, awesome job she did! xDD  
And this chapter is also my gift to all my readers in this valentine day. HAPPY VALENTINE~! Hope you're happy wherever you are with the one you love.  
Rating will go up as the story goes, but only up to R...  
I hope you enjoy it! Comments are loved! XD  


* * *

** Chapter 13 **

 

 

 

Jensen wakes up that morning with a very heavy feeling.

 

Sighing, he flips the blanket off his body as he wonders if this feeling of dread will accompany him every morning for the next six months. 

 

The memory of Jared’s cold words to him yesterday still stings, and maybe he wouldn’t have had to get through that if only he had told Jared about why he changed his mind and decided to stay.

 

But maybe he still would anyway. 

 

His intention to help his friends is not going to change the fact that he left Jared and this family behind without any explanations. But then there's also the problem where Jensen doesn't want to tell Jared about Tom or Mike. They are his last shelter if this thing with Jared doesn't work out. Telling Jared about them will take that protective place away from him and he would forever be expecting to see Jared standing at his doorstep.

 

Jensen takes a shower and gets dressed in his own clothes. He decides not to take more than he needs from this house. After 6 months, indeed he will have every right legally to use Thomas’ inheritance. But all he needs right now is a warm bed to sleep in, some food to eat, a hundred grand for Tom’s operation... and Jared.

 

Although, after Jensen thought about his situation for an entire night, half a year? Is a very long time.

 

Jared's hatred for him is so strong that Jensen fears he isn't strong enough. He doesn't have the strength to put his heart out there when it has already been ripped in half. So he decided, if he's unable to win Jared's affection and love by the end of six months, he'll have Jeff transfer Jensen's remaining share to Jared and return to his old life.

 

He’ll be even more sad and lonely and pathetic than the last time he came, but at least he can't die from heartache and he won’t have a hundred grand debt.

 

He slips out of his room quietly and decides to explore this house to waste some time. It’s a dangerous thing to do, actually. His heart is still healing and there’s a big chance something will trigger horrible memories and he'll end up tearing open his wound again. 

 

But he isn't the kind of a person who loves to just stand still and do nothing, and it’s still way too early to try and approach Jared after what happened yesterday.

 

He is walking along the back corridor leading to the garden when Jared suddenly appears on the opposite side.

 

Jensen stops dead in his tracks, unsure of what to do or say and he can see Jared's doing the same thing.

 

His lack of sleep last night must have been making him see things because he sees a flash of lust in Jared’s eyes as he stares at Jensen from hair to toe. But he must have imagined it because now those eyes are filled with anger again, though somehow Jensen senses that the anger isn’t pointed at him. Jared seems angrier at himself and Jensen has no idea why.

 

“Kate has prepared our breakfast.” Jared says in a low tone and Jensen gapes.

 

“You want us to have breakfast together?” Jensen asks, unbelieving. He thought after yesterday, Jared wouldn’t want to be near him anytime soon and it’ll be up to Jensen to shorten that gap.

 

Jared looks annoyed at the question. “Not just breakfast.” He answers. “You also have to have dinner together with me starting from today. It’ll be this house’s rule from now on.”

 

“Why?” Jensen can’t help but ask, because they both know putting him and Jared in one room, sitting at one table will most likely result in a lost appetite because of all the tension... and most probably it'll end up being Jensen. 

 

Jared smirks and Jensen knows whatever he says next can't be a good.

 

“Maybe to prove that you and I can’t stay here together, even if you end up getting your share of the inheritance.” Jared says with venom in his voice.

 

Jared's words are expected, but Jensen still feels something in his chest ache.

 

Blinking, Jensen folds his hand over his chest, unconsciously shielding himself. “So, what? You have this long list of ways to make me suffer till I break?”

 

Jared’s eyes darkened and his jaw tightened. “It'll take more than that to make up for what you’ve done.”

 

Jensen's legs weakened at the clear display of hatred in Jared’s eyes and he tightens his folded arms to hide the shivers racking his body. 

 

“Please stop saying things like you know everything.” Jensen says in a trembling voice and as soon as he said it he wanted to smack himself hard. The strong desire to defend himself apparently made him careless too.

 

One of Jared’s eyebrows lifted at that. “Oh, really? Then enlighten me, oh my _dear_ brother, why did you leave? And what reason did you have to suddenly come back to this house? Please don’t spare the details.” Jared says with a sneer on his lips.

 

But Jensen’s self control is back and he doesn’t answer. He bites his lips to make sure of that and silence fills the air in the corridor for several long minutes until it is broken by Jared’s snort.

 

“Forget it.” Jared says dismissively. “I can’t stand hearing lies anyway.”

 

Jensen _never_ lies and he feels very insulted at being accused of doing so. But still he says nothing because no matter how cruel Jared’s words are, Jensen understands that Jared is like a wounded bull right now and saying anything will only anger him further.

 

Jared glares at him one more time before turning back around and walking away from Jensen. 

 

“I’ll wait for you in the dining room.” He says before disappearing at the end of the corridor, his words echoing in the air.

 

\---00o00---

 

One week has passed, and Jensen is starting to hesitate getting out of bed every morning, wishing he can sleep this day off and the next, and the next just so he can avoid all of Jared’s painful words and angry stares or even worse, Jared’s occasional acting like Jensen doesn’t even exist though Jensen is sitting right there across from him or walking past him.

 

The house is huge, but not huge enough to hide Jensen from Jared’s wrath.

 

Thank God Jeff is here.

 

The lawyer for one or more reasons keeps visiting the house and Jensen. He’ll find Jensen sulking somewhere inside the house, throw a couple of jokes or tease and Jensen will smile wider and wider until finally he can’t help but laugh with him. Within a short time, Jensen realizes his relationship with Jeff has grown deeper than just acquaintances and he knows Jeff feels the same way too. 

 

It’s such a happy feeling to have another friend besides Tom and Mike who was here with him. 

Jensen is not a whiner or a complainer by habit, but Jeff’s presence somehow comforts him into talking more and more about things that burden him. Of course there was a line drawn in the story, where he never talks about his past.

 

Today is one of those days where the sun shines with all its might, and Jeff finds Jensen in the garden, taking care of the flowers, just like usual.

 

Half an hour later, both of them are sitting on the garden bench beneath a huge willow tree. It’s a perfect place to shade them from the burning sun.

 

Jared stays home all day. The last time Jensen saw him, he was doing things in his study. It seems he was taking care of some work on his laptop. 

 

For a busy businessman, Jensen finds it weird that Jared spends more time at home than at his office and Jensen’s best guess is that Jared is focusing not only his mind but also his time to make sure Jensen feels as uncomfortable as he can.

 

He sighs and realizes Jeff is staring at him with one eyebrow raised.

 

“Another ‘Bad-Jared’ day?” Jeff asks.

 

Jensen smiles and shakes his head a bit. “I’m just tired after digging up mounds of dirt, that’s all.”

 

Jensen knows Jeff doesn’t buy it, but Jeff says nothing and that’s one of the things that makes Jensen feels comfortable around the older man.

 

“It seems you like gardening a lot. It's rare for me to see you anywhere but the garden whenever I came to visit.” Jeff says, admiring Jensen’s work in a form of the rows of rose bushes planted across them.

 

Jensen laughs and shrugs. “Where else would I be? Actually I’m a bit too bored not to have my nails covered with dirt almost everyday. And I have nothing else to do and asking Jared to find me something to do at the office is out of question at the moment.”

 

Jeff turns to look at Jensen. “Why don’t you help me out at my firm? Lately I think I really need an assistant to cover some mild work in the office.”

 

Jensen’s eyes widen with awe. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Why not? I figure you can handle small stuff like serving coffees, which I prefer black by the way, or making some copies for the documents. Perhaps you can even do some research on simple cases I’m handling at the moment.” Jeff grins and Jensen can see a naughty glint in his eyes. “I mean, you know the word ‘internet’, don’t you?”

 

Jensen punches him in the shoulder in answer, muttering _smart ass_ with a stifled laugh . But a moment later Jensen gives Jeff a grateful smile. “Thank you, Jeff. Really, you’re so kind to me. I mean, this is the first time I have felt so happy in days.”

 

Jeff frowns. “Is it really that bad living with Jay?”

 

Jensen’s smile falters upon hearing that. But as usual, Jensen doesn’t answer to that kind of question.

 

It’s Jeff’s turn to sigh. Placing one hand on top of Jensen’s in a comforting way, he contemplates whether or not to ask Jensen about the things he hides but he knows it might be a useless endeavor, knowing Jensen’s shell is clammed tight. But in the end, his curiosity wins.

 

“Listen, Jen. I know you don’t like it when I talk about this.” Jeff starts, glances at Jensen to check his reaction carefully before continuing. “But I’ve been wondering if something bad happened between you and Thomas. I mean, why did you leave?”

 

After the last words leave his mouth, Jeff waits for an answer. But all he gets is silence while Jensen just keeps staring at where their hands meet. The same clouds Jeff had witnessed before return to Jensen’s eyes and Jeff can see his body become rigid.

 

Jeff is about to pat Jensen on the back and apologize for overstepping his boundaries when suddenly Jensen turns to him, giving him the saddest smile Jeff’s ever seen.

 

It leaves Jeff speechless and a lump forms in his throat at the sight.

 

Jensen squeezes Jeff’s fingers with his other hand before rising up from his seat. “I have to go. It’s almost time for dinner. Jared is in his study if you want to meet him.”

 

Jeff nods and offers a forced smile at Jensen’s ‘ _I’ll see you later, okay?_ ’ as he watches Jensen walk towards the house. 

 

And that’s it. Jeff’s lawyer instinct jumps in and he can’t help but be certain that there must be more stories behind that smile than anyone would ever know. And damn, but Jeff really wants to know what they are. 

 

Jared is Jeff’s best buddy, while Jeff’s relationship with Jensen is already halfway there and seeing them hurting like they are now is unacceptable to him. Somehow he has a feeling that the secret Jensen’s hiding holds an important role in fixing those two’s relationship.

 

Seeing that trying to coax further information from Jensen is an impossible task right now, Jeff knows he has no other choice but _that_.

 

Screw professionalism. 

 

\---00o00---

 

It’s almost midnight and Jeff has just come home from his date with a beautiful lingerie model, and to be honest, this night would have been much more interesting if that model wasn’t so typical like most of the models Jeff knows. 

 

Jeff sighs as he walks across the garden separating his garage and main house. Why is it so hard to find a beautiful model who has more in her head than in her breasts?

 

But, whatever, he has more important things to do now.

 

Closing and locking the front door of his house, Jeff walks towards his study where his working desk is placed.

 

Carefully, Jeff opens the bottom drawer . After rummaging a little, he finds what he is looking for and pulls out a white envelope from inside the drawer.

 

Jeff is never a careless person and it’s a trait he’s always proud of about himself.

 

A day after Thomas gave him the sealed envelope containing the letter for Jensen Ross Padalecki, Jeff had asked one of his assistants to witness him making a copy of the letter without having a chance to read a single word on it. 

 

It’s his habit, and it’s also one of his working MOs to make sure his clients get what they want exactly the way they want it. Losing an important letter due to some unexpected incident can be very tricky and that’s why having a copy of it and stored it in different place from where the original was kept was a wise act in Jeff’s book. 

 

But Jeff is a professional and he always tries to keep himself in line. When his client told him that the document isn’t meant for public viewing, including for Jeff himself, then he’ll make sure it stays that way.

 

Until tonight.

 

He extracts two pieces of paper from the envelope and drops the empty envelope on the nearest coffee table as he makes his way towards the sofa in the corner of his study.

 

Turning on the table lamp placed on the small side table, he sits on the sofa and starts to read.

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Dear, Jensen._

_If you are reading this then you’ve finally come back from wherever you were._

_But I guess I won’t be around anymore to witness it. I know I’m dying after all._

_I am writing this for you, lying weakly on my bed, and you can never imagine how hard I’ve tried to just let you go. Move on with my life and all that old song._

_Yet the fact remains. I love you, Jensen._

_I know it’s wrong and cursed but I can’t escape this feeling and these loneliness and all the pains that keep torturing me after you left._

_But it doesn’t have to be this way, my love. It shouldn’t have become like this._

_If only you can forget all those stupid social norms and rules for a while and finally see that I am just a man, who fell in love with you deeply. Then maybe you can find it in your heart that what we have is nothing to be ashamed of._

_Even when your mouth said no, even when you hid beneath the reason of enduring it for the sake of your mother, deep down I knew you liked everything I did to you at those nights we’d spent together, when you laid beautifully beneath me, making those exquisite sounds as I took us both into the highest pleasure._

_So you see, the problem is just that you can’t be honest to yourself._

_And now you’ve left, leaving me alone here, when you know exactly how I can’t live without you._

_You know, people say that there is only a thin line between love and hate. And God, how true I know it is now._

_I loathe you, Jensen._

_I loathe you so much for leaving that I am willing to spend my last breath to make you suffer as much as I do now._

_I know you love Jared._

_I could see your beautiful green eyes shone the brightest at his sight whenever he was around. I could see the entire confused and hurt look you had on your face when my son started to pursue his dream and had to live far from home for that. I know your love for him, knowing that it’ll just give him an incurable heartache, is your only reason for not telling him about this thing between us. I even could hear you unconsciously whispering Jared’s name several times when you knew it was me who sucked your cock good and hard until you came all over your own belly._

_Jared is my own flesh and blood and I love him with all my heart. But I love you even more and you can’t blame me for being jealous of him._

_Do you know, he returned to live in this house after you left? Being a good son as he is, every night he sits here beside my bed. Those times are times I’ll use to plant the seeds of hatred for you in his heart. And I’ll make sure they grow bigger and keep piling more and more each time he leaves my room._

_I know you’ll come back someday. It’s another reason I loathe you, because you’ll come back for him and not for me._

_But you’ll be very surprised at how things have changed and you’ll find him staring at you with cold and hateful gaze the second you step your feet once again in this house._

_And you’ll be even more surprised to know that I will have inherited you half of my wealth, strung along with a condition of you and him have to live under one roof for 6 months._

_I know the money won’t be the reason for you to stay. But Jared will think of it the other way around and guess what he’ll say to you if you decide to stick around, without knowing that the only reason you do that is because you want to have him by your side._

_And even if you refuse to accept my inheritance, I know you won’t leave Jared once again._

_At least you won’t leave him too far, thanks to your stubbornness that shows even when you were still an adorable child who was hiding behind your mother’s back._

_But still, you’ll be trapped and I can imagine how you will suffer, to take all of Jared’s hatred everyday and you won’t be able to stop yourself from feeling helpless, knowing it’ll be impossible to get his heart._

_And that, my dear Jensen, is going to be my ultimate revenge._

_Please, don’t take it personally. Just like I said before, things don’t have to be like this._

_But you chose to leave, and I’m going to hell anyway._

_So take it as a sweet goodbye, my love._

_The man who loves you,_

_Thomas_

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

\---00o00---

 

Several long minutes pass after Jeff finishes reading Thomas’ letter, but still his mouth stays gaping open and he’s only half notices that the sides of the papers in his hand have been crumpled by his own fingers.

 

“I’ll be damned…” Jeff mutters after finding his voice back. 

 

 

TBC


	14. Short Notice, guys~!

I'm sorry for taking so long to update.

 

I would have posted chapter 14 today, but something's came up, so I have to delay it until March 2nd.

 

I hope you will be patient until then. You're all awesome~!

 

Just a small spoiler: my next chapter will have more than 7000 words. I know, all I do is write nowadays...

 

I hope it'll suffice to make all of you forgive me. :D

 

Anyway, I'm getting nervous now because the story will be getting into the most tricky part to write. I'm afraid I don't have enough ability to keep you satisfied with the oncoming chapters....

 

So, your comments and inputs will mean a whole lot to me in the future. It makes me know how to write better, or whether I have/haven't fulfilled everyone's expectations yet.

 

Thank you for those of you who had always made your time to gave me supports through your comments. I'm forever grateful :)

Thank you~!


	15. Chapter 14

  
Author's notes: I know I've promised to post next chapter in March 2nd. I've promised, and I break it. Though it's not without reason. My beta reader's laptop has broke down and along with went my almost finished beta-ed chapter 14. So for the last 24 hours I'm struggling to check and recheck my chapter 14 alone, trying to make it as presentable as it could be without being beta-ed.  
Sorry once again for dissapointing all of you, and it's your right if you start to question my story or my credibility. I can't do anything about it. All I can say is, i'm just trying to do my best to please all of you and if I dissapoint you in the proccess, then it proves that I'm just a human and I'm deeply sorry.  


* * *

  
  
  
  
“Jeff asked me this afternoon if I wanted to work with him in his firm.” Jensen says, trying to sound casual despite the nervousness he felt as he plays with the food on his plate. Jensen is pretty sure Jared won’t like the idea of him staying away from home, away from his grip and control, even if for only a few hours a day.  
  
Jared looks up from his plate and gives Jensen a sharp glare. “Then tell him no. And don’t forget to say thank you. I don’t want people start to think that all Padaleckis are _ungrateful_ human beings now that you’re amongst us.” He says, sarcasm thick in his voice, before returning his attention back to his plate.  
  
Jensen swallows down the food in his mouth difficultly at hearing that. The familiar ache is back and he's lost his appetite again.  
  
“I’m bored.” Jensen says, teeth gritted, and reaches for his glass of water with a slightly trembling hand. “I have nothing to do here except taking care of the garden until there’s not an inch of the ground left that I can plant something on and you won’t let me touch almost anything else in this house.”  
  
Jared huffs a small laugh. “That's funny.” He sneers. “I thought you were enjoying this whole Pauper-turns-into-Prince-Overnight game. I was wondering why you haven’t started to roam the town in one of our Bentleys and maxing out the credit card in every possible way yet.”  
  
Jensen doesn’t respond. It’s just another one of Jared’s daily verbal attacks and despite the heat pooling in the corner of his eyes every time Jared’s degrading words hit him, Jensen kind of thinks that he’s almost used to it by now.  
  
A few minutes pass in silence, but Jensen isn’t ready yet to give up. Not yet. He really needs something new to expect everyday aside from Jared and his fury. “I have a right to do what I want, Jared. You can’t lock me inside this house for a whole 6 months.”  
  
His words are influenced by hurt and they're not a wise thing to say in this situation, but Jensen just couldn’t help it.  
  
The minute Jared’s glare is back on him with full force, Jensen regrets saying that.  
  
“You’re right. Who am I to do that? Besides, haven’t you _always_ done what you want? You left us as you pleased anyway.” With a horrifying calmness, Jared pushes away his half-finished plate and wipes his mouth before his eyes, as dark as the night sky, are back on Jensen. “I can’t force you to reject Jeff’s offer, but then again, I also have every right to stop Jeff’s contract as Padalecki’s family lawyer and strip him from his current associate position in the Padalecki Law Firm if he insists on hiring you. And I can assure you, that won’t be good for him. Most of his clients are coming from my line of friends anyway.”  
  
Jensen gapes. _No way will Jared do that_. “You wouldn’t.” He whispers without even realizing it. “He’s your _best friend_ , Jared.”  
  
Jared lifts one of his eyebrows, throwing a challenge to Jensen. “Just like you said, everyone can do what they want as long as they have the right to do it and doesn’t matter if it means hurting someone in the process.” Jared shrugs. “I’m just living by your examples.”  
  
Jensen says nothing more for the rest of the dinner; just sits there with his shoulders hunched in yet another defeat.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jared sighs as he leans on his seat in his study that night. The memory of Jensen’s pale face right after he gave him the ultimatum is still fresh in his mind.  
  
It’s an empty threat, of course. Jeff is still his best friend until now and he was just bluffing to shut Jensen up.  
  
But now that he thinks about it, he won’t be surprised to find himself firing Jeff if Jensen still accepts Jeff’s offer to work under him.  
  
Jensen has been here for almost two weeks and Jared could see how close Jeff and Jensen had become. Hell, Jared could always hear the sounds of their laughing coming from garden from his open window. And later, Jared would see Jensen’s face lit up again with smiles at dinner time.  
  
It _irks_ the hell out of him. Thus he ends up saying worse and worse things to Jensen just to see the smiles gone from Jensen’s beautiful face by the time he leaves the dinner table.  
  
Jared keeps telling himself that he does it because it’s right there on his invincible scheme plan of revenge. That he wants Jensen to suffer and all that stuff.  
  
But deep down he knows that the reason that fueled his ridiculously cruel ultimatum was nothing more than his repressed jealousy, realizing he’s not the man who can make Jensen laugh or smile like that. He can’t do what Jeff does because every time Jensen’s near him the pain of his past comes back and it overpowers his love for Jensen so deeply that he is left tired and helpless to fight against it.  
  
And to tell the truth, it fucks him up inside and he wonders if it’s possible for him to go crazy one day because of this.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jared leaves home to go to work early in the morning and Jensen, for once after many days, has breakfast alone. Jensen can’t help but feel relieved.  
  
Jeff stops by again right before lunch time, and Jensen tells him that _listen, Jeff, I’m sorry but no, I don’t think I can accept your kind offer to work in your firm. But really, thank you so much._  
  
Jensen even manages to maintain half a smile on his lips as he says those words exactly like how Jared told him to. _Jared would be proud_ , Jensen thinks bitterly.  
  
Jeff doesn’t like it, apparently. Not one bit, judging from his deep frown and darkened eyes.  
  
“It’s Jared, isn’t it?” Jeff hisses. “That stubborn bastard. Let’s see what he says when I come to his office later to kick his ass.”  
  
Jeff looks like he really means it, and Jensen panics. He knows how close Jared is with Jeff and after everything Jared has accused him of; Jensen doesn’t want being the one who messes up their friendship to be added to the list so he tries to calm the man. “Jeff, look. It’s not because of Jared. I just need more time to adjust to living in this house. After all, I’ll be here for a very long time, won’t I?” Jensen hoped Jeff would find his smile reassuring. “Besides, now that I’ve looked around more, there are tons of things I can still do in the house.”  
  
Jeff looks at him with narrowed eyes, obviously not buying anything Jensen said. The older man folds his arms over his chest and gives Jensen a speculative stare. “Yeah? What things?”  
  
Jensen’s brain works fast. “My mother’s stuff!” He finally says, almost shouting from nervousness. “Yeah, it’s… Jared told me that my mom’s stuff is still lying around up in the attic. Thomas kept them there –lots of stuff-- and I figure it’ll take weeks to clean and organize them a bit. And maybe keep some of it for myself, you know, as memories.” Jensen gives Jeff a half grin, feeling somewhat bad for lying to him.  
  
But it’s for the greater good. Or so some people said because the fact remained that Jensen still feels his stomach clench at the thought that he _lied_ to someone. Someone nice.  
  
“Jared _told_ you about where they were kept?” Jared asks, unbelieving that Jared was that cooperative towards Jensen.  
  
“Sure!” Jensen exclaims. “Jared isn’t that bad, you know. I find him… nice some times.” Jensen cringes a little because after spending years trying to be as honest as he could be, these lies really take the cake.  
  
The truth is, Jensen had to spend three days arguing with Jared until finally he succeeded in making Jared tell him, grudgingly, where his mom’s stuff was kept. And even after he found them, it only took a half day to clean and organize them because there weren’t much left. Most of them were old clothes, and all Jensen was able to dig out to keep for himself were two of his mom’s photos, a music box his mom used to play for him before putting him to bed, and his mom’s favorite romance book.  
  
Jeff looks at him for a long time and Jensen gives him a wider smile, hoping it’ll finally convince him.  
  
“Well…” Jeff drawls. “Yeah, okay. If that’s what you want then I guess there’s nothing else I can do. I can imagine how valuable that stuff must be to you.”  
  
Jensen takes a deep breath when finally Jeff is all smiles again.  
  
“But, Jen, maybe you can think about it once again after you’re done with your mom’s stuff? You will need some quality time for yourself once in a while, away from Jared, to keep you sane.” Jeff adds seriously.  
  
And Jensen can only nod, muttering _Sure, I will._  
  
If only Jeff knew how much Jensen wished he could do that, knowing how true Jeff’s words are.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jeff stays longer for lunch on Jensen's insistence.  
  
And as he’s sitting there in the dining room with Jensen across from him, there have been hundreds of moments when Jeff honestly thinks he should have just opened his mouth and told Jensen that he _knows_.  
  
But this thing, this dark secret finally revealed to him, is just too fucked up and too damned epic to be kept hidden. And Jeff believes he needs to tread carefully if he wants to set things right between Jared and Jensen.  
  
Jeff swears that fate must have been messing with him because right in this very tense time, a client who lived halfway across the country died last night, and Jeff has to leave tonight by plane to take care of his will. And considering how tricky the old man made the details of his inheritance, Jeff will have to stay there for at least five days.  
  
That's just fucking peachy.  
  
Jeff can’t just drop the bomb on Jensen or Jared all of a sudden and then disappear for days.  
  
Knowing Jensen, he’ll feel deeply ashamed because Jeff found out about his dark past with Thomas. And there’s also a high possibility that he’ll just bail again, no matter how much Jeff tells him that _It’s okay_ and _I understand_ and _It’s not your fault, Jen, so let me help you figure this out._  
  
Jensen probably will leave this house once again to go God knows where and Jeff won’t be there to stop him.  
  
As in Jared’s case, Jeff knows how much Jared loves his father. For Jared, Thomas is his hero. And suddenly having that image of his father crushed won’t be easy for Jared to handle.  
  
Jeff can predict the series of denials coming from his stubborn best friend upon finding out that his beloved father was nothing more than a perverted-evil-pedophile-manipulative-bastard. And then there’ll be rows of empty liquor bottles because it’s just what Jared did.  
  
Not to mention the possibility of fits of rage Jared will throw at himself, at Jeff, at the world in general, or worse: at Jensen in particular.  
  
Jeff fears for the last the most and if he left New York after telling everything to Jared, Jensen won’t have anybody to stand up for him and to protect him from Jared’s fury.  
  
Revealing the secret to both of them at once is also a bad, BAD idea. Jeff just has to combine Jensen’s and Jared’s reaction above in one frame, then pack his bag to leave them for a couple of days, and _voila_ , there’ll be hell.  
  
The point is, Jeff has decided to help both of them straighten things out and he intends to commit to it fully by being their mediator and, if necessary, knocking some senses into their head in the process. That’s why Jeff knows he will have to wait until he gets back to open the Pandora's Box.  
  
Jeff smiles at a joke Jensen tells and seeing Jensen laugh, Jeff finally decides on that course of action.  
  
“Hey, Jen.”  
  
Jensen looks up from his plate, still smiling. “Yeah?”  
  
“Look, I think I won’t be able to visit you until next week. I have a job out of town and I’ve booked a plane ticket for tonight.” Jeff says, apologizing with his smile.  
  
Jensen’s smile disappears and he looks so much like a lost kid that Jeff has to grit his teeth to stop himself from standing up and giving Jensen a big hug.  
  
“Is that so?” Jensen says, forcing a laugh, before scratching his head. “Well, it can’t be helped then, I guess. I’ll try to stay alive and busy until you come back.” Jensen grins with a cringe in his eyes and Jeff feels a pang of sadness, knowing that his daily visits might be Jensen’s only consolation after dealing with Jared.  
  
“You know my cell number, Jen. If anything happens, just call me anytime.”  
  
Jensen stares at him long before smiling, a full smile now. “Yeah, I know.”  
  
After lunch, in near the front door, Jeff gives Jensen a hug. “I’ll check on you everyday so make sure you’re home at night, okay? Take care.” He mutters after letting go and Jensen just laughs at his display of overprotective tendencies, but still Jeff can’t shake a bad feeling in his chest as he sees Jensen’s waving figure get smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jensen is bored and agitated as hell. It’s been two days since Jeff’s last visit and his mood has hit a new low.  
  
Jared, _thank God_ , has left for work again today after spending the whole day yesterday making Jensen miserable.  
  
Jensen wonders that if things will be like this everyday, how the hell he is going to start his plan to win Jared’s heart. It’s just beyond his imagination and Jensen can’t help but begins to feel restless because nothing goes the way he wants it ever since he decided to stay. Even a simple ‘ _Good morning_ ’ to Jared coming from his mouth can turn into a painful conversation for his side.  
  
Problems with Jared puts aside, the flowers in the garden are fully bloomed already and everything Jensen can think of doing in this big house has already done by him and now he’s itching to do something, anything.  
  
Jensen’s last call to Mike was yesterday, and Mike told him that Tom’s condition was still stable. Tom had some palpitations two days ago, but the doctor had managed to take care of it and Mike said that there was nothing Jensen needed to worry about. Jensen really wants to come and visit Tom once again, but traveling fare from New York to the town where Tom is hospitalized is not cheap. Jensen still has some money left from what he had brought with him to this house, but Jensen wants to save it in case something urgent happened. The thought of taking even a penny more from Thomas’ inheritance doesn’t appeal Jensen in any way.  
  
But now he really needs something that can cheer him up. That’s why he figures today he can go to one of Padalecki’s company building. Just looking around, checking things out, diverting his mind from the messed up situation waiting for him after Jared comes back from the office.  
  
He’ll appear anonymously, of course. He doesn’t want to attract any unwanted attention and ended up making more fights with Jared. Perhaps he can decoy the building’s guards and go up to the top of the building and just sits there, watching New York’s view in all its glory, until it’s time to go home.  
  
Suddenly finds a bit spirit, Jensen changes his clothes with something semi-formal: a blue long sleeved shirt and a black formal pants Tom gave him a year ago as birthday present. At least this clothes won’t make him seems out of place there.  
  
Jensen overheard Jared talking in his cell this morning that he’ll be in the main office of Padalecki Estate the whole day today, so Jensen decides to visit one of the others. His choice falls to Padalecki Advertising.  
  
It’s risky, he’s aware of it.  
  
Padalecki Advertising is now legally owned by Jensen’s step aunt, Sarah. And after what happened in the day the will was read, Jensen is more than realizing that his step aunt’s family keeps a lot of hatred for him. It won’t be odd if he crosses path with one of them in his visit to the company, and if it does happen, Jensen has no clue what he’ll do or say.  
  
But among his not so much interests, Jensen has been attracted to the world of advertising, graphics, and that kind of stuff for so long and he used to visit the company when he was teenager, just to walk along the exhibition hall and admire frame after frame of already published and successful advertisement hung all over the wall.  
  
He also remembered that he was always very eager every time Jared asked him to come along together when Thomas had schedule of ads-presentation in the office. Jensen will sit quietly on his seat next to Jared and Thomas, silently observing and making mental notes using his own childish judgment towards the quality of the ads being presented by the creative staffs.  
  
And now that he thinks about it, he remembers he also can see a full view of Liberty Statue clearly from the top of Padalecki Advertising building.  
  
Risks put aside, his plan is just perfect.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
The building complex of Padalecki Advertising is still the same as in Jensen’s memory. The only differences are that Jensen can see the security tools installed in the building is getting more hi-tech and some of the office’s furniture has been changed into minimalist-modern style.  
  
Jensen walks straight into the elevator, passing two guards while trying to look like he’s actually having some businesses here other than sightseeing. Jensen pushes the 2nd floor elevator button where he hopes the exhibition hall is still located.  
  
Apparently, it still is. And for the next one hour, Jensen is a teenager once again, exploring frame after frame --lots of them are new ones-- and he’s drowning in his own world as he’s admiring and analyzing each advertisement with now a more mature view. People passing by are ignoring him, perhaps assuming that he’s one of the company’s future clients.  
  
By the time he reaches the end of the hall and finishes gaping on the last display of advertisement for a brand of coke, Jensen feels better already. But now he really wants to pee. He forgets how cold the air conditioner is in the office.  
  
There’s a men’s room down the hall, he knows. But its strategic location makes it a quite popular men’s room. Most of company employees use that place, and Jensen doesn’t want to risk coming across with somebody he knows.  
  
So Jensen walks further, nearing the door connecting to emergency exit. If his memory serves him right, there’s a quite secluded toilet. People rarely use it because as far as Jensen can remember, often there was a problem with the plumbing system.  
  
And he’s right. The toilet is still there. And it looks quite deserted. The buzzing and bustling sound of the company’s activities apparently doesn’t reach this place and it’s very quiet.  
  
Jensen enters the door with ‘Men’ written on it and finishes what he’s coming for in one of the stalls. After washing his hands, Jensen walks towards the door, intending to start finding a way to go to the top of building without attracting too much attention.  
  
That’s when he hears some noises coming from inside of the women’s room.  
  
There’s a woman talking, and a man too from what it sounds. But what bothers him is the woman’s voice sounds full of fear.  
  
With heart beating fast, Jensen opens the men’s room door and exits without a sound before carefully putting one of his ears on the next room’s wooden door, trying to overhear some more before doing something radical like kicking the door down.  
  
 _It’s okay_ , Jensen can hear the man speaks in a low and persuading tone. _Don’t you want that creative director position?_  
  
The woman mumbles something too low for Jensen to catch up. But her tone still alerts Jensen.  
  
 _Look, all you have to do is let me have you once, or maybe twice if you are good_ , the man is speaking again and he sounds less impatient now.  
  
Hearing that, Jensen is now getting clearer assumption on what kind of situation is inside of the room. Jensen is about to knock, asking the woman if there’s something wrong so the man inside will know that there’s someone out here, but then what Jensen hears next coming from the man’s mouth surprises him.  
  
 _You know my mom owns this company, don’t you? I can easily ask her to promote you. But if you won’t do as I say, who knows how much longer you can stay in your recent job here_ , the man –to Jensen’s disgust-- says it sleazily with obvious threat in his voice.  
  
And now Jensen gets it.  
  
No wonder the man’s voice sounds a little familiar in Jensen’s ear. It’s almost positive now to Jensen that the man’s voice owner is his cousin, Freddy Robinson, Jr. And he’s in the middle of harassing a female employee sexually!  
  
 _No, don’t, please_ , Jensen can hear the woman sobs. Gritting his teeth, Jensen throws his previous idea of knocking-first-ask-questions-later out of the window and just turns the door knob --which apparently isn’t even locked-- hard.  
  
 _What a clumsy asshole_ , Jensen thinks angrily as the door opens with a bang sound and reveals Freddy standing close to a beautiful woman; his hand is around her waist, while her face is full of tears.  
  
“What the…?!” Freddy squeals in surprise and quickly lets his hold on the woman go. His eyes turn wider as he recognizes Jensen. “You! What the fuck are you doing here?”  
  
Jensen gives the frightened woman a little calming smile before glaring at Freddy. “I should’ve been the one asking you that. It’s a women’s toilet, yet here you are manipulating a lady to fulfill your perverted wish.”  
  
The woman looks at Jensen, and then back to Freddy, now in confusion though there’s relief expressed on her face. But she doesn’t waste this perfect chance to escape.  
  
“Excuse me.” She says and fleeing passes Jensen towards the exit and disappears. The sound of her heels on the floor echoes until it’s no longer heard.  
  
It’s just Jensen and Freddy left.  
  
“I heard everything, Freddy.” Jensen says in a calmer tone, but still glaring. “Don’t you feel ashamed using your mother’s name to do something this filthy?”  
  
Freddy’s face is red, angry and embarrassed to be caught by Jensen of all people. He walks approaching Jensen who doesn’t budge from where he’s standing.  
  
“It’s none of your business, Ackles. So shut it.” Freddy tells Jensen and pokes him once with his finger. “Even since you were a little brat, you’re always an annoying busy body. I wonder what my mom will say if she knows you’re here roaming her company. For a traitor like you, you must be up to no good.” He sneers and then leaves Jensen with hasty steps.  
  
A few seconds pass before Jensen leans his back on the nearest wall and takes a deep breath. His heart is still thumping madly due to the adrenaline.  
  
Freddy’s last words make him cringe. Thanks to this fucked up coincidence, there’s no doubt he’ll get into another trouble with Padaleckis after this. Although Jensen doesn’t regret what he was just done.  
  
 _I guess trying to see Liberty Statue from the top is no longer an option_ , Jensen mourns.  
  
It’s time for him to go home.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
By the time the taxi he rides on reaches the driveway in front of Padalecki’s residence’s front door, it’s almost dawn. While waiting for George to open the door, Jensen can tell from the black Hummer parked in the garage that Jared is home already.  
  
George greets him as he enters the house and Jensen smiles, walking tiredly to his room. What happens today has drained out his energy, and he’ll need a long soak in the bath to restore it if he wants to face Jared properly at dinner later.  
  
When he’s in the bathroom, Jensen can hear phones ringing all around the house, including the one in his room. But it stops a few seconds later, perhaps George or Jared has picked it up. Jensen waits up motionless for a few second, trying to listen the sound of the intercom back in his room, because maybe it’s from Mike.  
  
But nobody’s calling him over the intercom, so Jensen resumes his bath.  
  
Soaked under the warm water, Jensen’s mind is wandering.  
  
He really wants to forget about what happened today. Seeing the hostility shown by the rest of Padalecki family members at the will reading, or like what he had been through this afternoon with Freddy, Jensen can’t help but feel disheartened once again. He wonders if the image the other Padaleckis have about him is really _that_ bad.  
  
Even if he succeeds in winning Jared’s heart, will the rest of the family be willing to accept him as a part of Padalecki once again? What if they won’t?  
  
Once again Jensen questions his decision to stay. Could it be that everything he’s fighting for right now will, after all, be proven worthless? Will it be better if he just leaves this house and Jared, bearing all the loneliness and trying in vain to forget about his love?  
  
Suddenly those thoughts making him feel trapped between his unforgettable and painful past and his future that without no doubt will always be haunted by the shadow of his past. It makes him feel restless and he decides to shorten his bath time.  
  
After, Jensen puts on a black t-shirt and pair of grey pants, and getting ready to come down. But then the intercom on the wall next to the door beeps once.  
  
“Jensen?” Jared’s voice is heard.  
  
Jensen’s heart thumped at the grim sound of Jared’s calling his name. He approaches the intercom and pushes the button. “Yes?”  
  
“I want to talk to you in my study, now.” Jared’s tone is cold and harsh and there’s a hint of anger in his words.  
  
“Alright. I’ll be down in a minute.” Jensen says with a frown and he can feel his restlessness doubled as he exits his room and hurriedly walks down the stair towards Jared’s study.  
  
Something’s not right and Jensen can pretty much guess what makes Jared suddenly want to have a private conversation with him.  
  
Jensen’s earlier self-question about how bad his image in the eyes of other Padaleckis is answered by the time he enters Jared’s study.  
  
“I’ve heard that you went to Padalecki Advertising today?” Jared asks from behind his desk, frowning at Jensen.  
  
Jensen feels a little scared at Jared’s harsh tone, but to tell the truth, he didn’t do something wrong, right? There’s nothing he should have worried about, so he tries to be calm as he answers Jared’s question. “Yes, I did. Something’s wrong?”  
  
Jared’s eyes darkened at his answer. “Aunt Sarah called just now. She said she doesn’t want to see you around her company ever again. And she complained to me about your awful treatment towards Freddy. She specifically told me that she won’t tolerate if you offend Freddy or any of her family once more.” Jared’s expression shows his disapproval.  
  
Jensen gapes at that totally-off-the-reality-statement. “I think Aunt Sarah misses the bigger picture here, Jared. I caught Freddy _red-handed_ when he was trying to manipulate a poor woman employee and he was obviously harassing her sexually. Do you honestly think I should have just stood there and watched the woman gets violated?”  
  
“Aunt Sarah doesn’t want you to be near her family or her company ever again.” Jared repeats, clearly ignoring Jensen’s explanation.  
  
Jared’s reaction makes Jensen suddenly feel depressed and helpless. Trying to hold back tears, he says, “If that woman decides to sue Freddy for sexual harassment charges, Aunt Sarah might have to worry about something’s worse than me.”  
  
But Jared still glares at him. “Right now, Freddy is also working as Marketing Manager in Padalecki Estate and he’s one of the best employees. He has great talent in marketing and he’s worth a thousand times more than you are. So don’t you dare causing him any more trouble.”  
  
Jensen can feel the stabbing ache in his heart at hearing Jared’s words. “It seems for you _everything_ is worth more than I am.” Jensen says hoarsely, defiance clear in his voice as he can no longer control his anger due to the pain he feels. “When these 6 months over, Freddy’s position in Padalecki Estate might have to be replaced.”  
  
“Freddy needs the job.” Jared says grimly.  
  
Jensen nods in approval, tears glistening in his eyes. “Then he might have to remember that.”  
  
Jensen’s hidden threat makes Jared’s jaw tightened, and he looks even angrier than before. “If you fire each and every Padalecki’s employee who won’t lick your ass, we will never have enough workers.”  
  
“They don’t need to lick my ass.” Jensen says with gritted teeth. “All they need to do is just accepting me and showing a proper respect.”  
  
“They’ll respect you if you deserve it.” Jared responds, his words inclining that there isn’t even a single Padalecki family that respects Jensen in reality.  
  
Jensen lifts his chin up, trying to appear uninfluenced by Jared’s horrible comment. “They’ll follow an example from you.”  
  
Silence follows Jensen’s statement for a long time, but Jared’s hardened expression isn’t changed.  
  
“Then just give up.” Jared says finally.  
  
Little victory Jensen feels earlier disappears at that. He swallows emotion so thick he believes he’ll choke on it.  
  
“Why do you keep so much hatred for me, Jared?” Jensen says, sad and desperate.  
  
Jared’s burning stares at him dims a little. “You damn well know why.”  
  
“Then what if… “ A sob escapes from Jensen’s lips. “What if one day you find out that I deserve none of these?”  
  
Jensen doesn’t know what makes him say that. It’s just too fucking close to ruin every effort he has made on keeping the secret safe from Jared. But Jensen is so tired, and he just doesn’t understand how else he should stop all of these pain and sadness filling his heart.  
  
Fury in Jared’s eyes is clear for Jensen to see a moment before he turns his gaze away from him. With a rough movement, Jared collects his paperwork scattered on his desk and arranges it in a messed up order.  
  
“Get out.” Jared growls, eyes still refuse to look at Jensen.  
  
Jensen really wants to cry now, because he can see that the wall of hatred between them is only getting higher than before. He helplessly realizes that perhaps even if he tells Jared the truth --about everything-- it will only be potential to make Jared hates him even more.  
  
Turning around, Jensen walks out the room slowly.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jensen doesn’t come down for dinner. He has no strength left to do so. He even ignores George’s knocking his room’s door and his announcing that dinner’s ready and that Jared is waiting for him in the dining room.  
  
The tensions for these last 24 hours have sucked his energy dry. And at this kind of moment, Jensen really wishes he was someone else who has another person he can lean to and love, and be loved back in return.  
  
Jensen has always desired a feeling of comfort, wrapped in a sense of security. But his need to get close to someone in a romantic relationship has always collided with his eternal one sided-love for Jared. And that paradox has been making his life miserable.  
  
He had surrendered to his desire a few times and went for a date with some men he met and knew along those times after he escaped home, hoping to find someone who could replace Jared’s position in his heart. But when a kiss or hug held other meanings than friendly touch, he always resisted and backed away.  
  
His experience with Thomas --no matter how many times the man had made him come-- Jensen was never able to enjoy them. There were just too many fears and disgusts and tears for him to actually get into it. While with other men, Jensen had never been touched by the true lust. And he knows exactly why a lustful kiss and wild embrace from those men can’t turn him on.  
  
It’s simply because they’re _not Jared_.  
  
That thought depresses Jensen even more and he moves to change his clothes with a black undershirt and a short. He then walks over to his bed, flipping his bed cover and getting ready to sleep.  
  
But then a knock is heard once again on his door, and Jensen knows at once that this time it must be Jared standing in front of his door. Only his knock can be heard so demanding.  
  
Sighing, he walks towards the closed door and asks Jared from behind it. “What do you want?”  
  
“Kate has warmed your dinner.”  
  
It surprises Jensen. Jared’s low tone sounds harsh, but there’s a hint of softness in it. Suddenly pissed off at himself for imagining things that’s definitely not there, Jensen squeezes his eyes shut and lifts his slightly trembling hand, putting his palm on the wall beside the wooden door and then resting his forehead on it, trying not to be influenced by Jared’s subtly kind words.  
  
“I’m going to bed already. I’ll thank her in the morning.”  
  
There is a silence for a moment before Jared’s voice is heard again. “Open the door.”  
  
That order said in low tone makes Jensen’s emotion rises up again. The hurt is still there and it makes Jensen suddenly swing the door open. “What is it? Haven’t you satisfied in showing your hatred to me today?” Jensen hisses, but then he sees the food tray Jared’s holding on one of his hands.  
  
Jensen’s eyes widen at that because the food on the tray is supposed to be his dinner and he shifts his gaze to stare at Jared’s serious expression.  
  
Jared curses the guilty feeling inside him that makes him bring Jensen’s dinner to his room. If he knew before hand that he’ll see Jensen in his thin t-shirt and short, showing too much smooth skin for Jared’s comfort, Jared would have chosen to bear his guilt or just bother Kate to bring the tray instead.  
  
And if he knew that he’ll see surprised stare and a sparkle of hope in Jensen’s green eyes, he would have definitely ignored the fucking guilt.  
  
Doesn’t want to stay too long upon this tempting view in front of him, Jared enters the room in strides. Putting the food tray on a small corner table in Jensen’s room, Jared turns around. “Kate’s feeling could get hurt.” He says, hoping it’ll suffice to kill the earlier impression Jensen might have on his act that seems to bring up his hope.  
  
Jensen turns his gaze to the tray at that and Jared can feel that Jensen’s expectation is gone. Nevertheless, as Jensen’s attention focused on the tray, Jared can’t help but gazing at Jensen.  
  
When his eyes catch the view of Jensen’s muscled thighs and upwards, Jared can feel his body reacts by itself and suddenly there’s so much heat pooling down in his stomach. It makes Jared feels so angry to himself. It seems that his hatred towards Jensen still can not restrain his desire for the man. In fact, the lust he feels is weakening his resolution and Jared is suddenly filled with immense self-disgust.  
  
Jensen averts his gaze from the food tray to Jared’s hardened face. Jensen figures from Jared’s look that Jared must have regretted his kindness in this small matter and his own body becomes tense, unconsciously feels the need for self-defense. But still he thanks Jared with a soft voice.  
  
It’s as if time stops as their eyes met. None of them moves and Jensen can feel strange sensation roaming his whole body as he watches Jared’s gazing at him from head to toe. It’s hard for Jensen to breathe and his heart’s thumping wildly, because if he doesn’t know better, he swears he can see so much lust and emotions swirling in Jared’s eyes.  
  
 _But it can’t possibly be_ and Jensen keeps chanting those words inside his head and his eyes widen as Jared finally takes a few steps towards his direction.  
  
Jared is almost only an inch away from him when suddenly Jensen feels panicky at this unknown-nameless-unimaginable atmosphere created between them, and half unconsciously Jensen moves away from the door quickly, away from Jared.  
  
Jared looks like he just got punched on the face at seeing Jensen’s reaction. Jensen watches him stop and blinking his eyes with tensed jaw, before turning his gaze away from Jensen and resuming his steps out of the door.  
  
As soon as Jared leaves, Jensen shuts the door closed. Desire still has its full power over him and it’s making him trembled in the silence of the room as he listens to Jared’s footsteps in the distance.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jeff calls early in the morning the next day when Jensen is still on his bed, blinking at the strays of sunlight coming from the windows.  
  
And after talking, within five seconds Jeff can tell that something’s wrong.  
  
“What did Jared do this time?”  
  
Jensen takes a deep breath. He doesn’t like talking about this kind of thing with Jeff, because Jeff will only see from one point of view: Jensen’s. And he’ll blame or get mad at Jared, without knowing that actually Jared is also a victim in this case.  
  
But he really needs someone to talk to right now, and Jeff is the only one around.  
  
“I know that Freddy is a fucking bad news since the first time Jared introduced him to me. With his empty brain, he’s just too full of shit.” Jeff says in annoyed tone after Jensen finished telling him _almost_ everything happened related to his incident with Freddy yesterday. What happened last night in his room with Jared, Jensen keeps it to himself because even now he still can’t figure out what exactly was going on between him and Jared that time.  
  
“Yeah, well. He has been a bit of a dick since he’s a little, but I never knew he’ll come to hate me so much.” Jensen says in tired voice.  
  
Both of them say nothing for a long time, until Jeff’s words break the silence. “Jensen, do you love Jared?”  
  
Jensen’s eyes widen at that. Carefully keeping his voice calm, he laughs a bit. “What are you talking about? Of course I do, Jeff. He’s my brother.”  
  
“No, I don’t mean loving him as a brother, but as a man.” Jeff sounds a bit impatient. “Do you?”  
  
Jensen is too shocked to say anything.  
  
“Look, Jen.” Jeff sighs at Jensen’s speechlessness. “I know you do. And don’t ask me how, I just know.”  
  
Still Jensen says nothing. He doesn’t trust his voice if he opens his mouth now.  
  
Jeff’s voice turns soft, persuading. “Come on, Jen. Just come clean with me. Let it out, and maybe you’ll feel better.”  
  
And Jensen doesn’t know why, but hearing Jeff’s words tears he has been holding suddenly spill out uncontrollably. His body shakes and it’s torn between fear and relief of knowing that finally, _finally,_ another person understands him, understands how hard it is to face the hatred from someone you _love_ so much.  
  
And it’s not just any other person. It’s Jeff, Jared’s best friend.  
  
“Yes, I do.” Jensen’s confession comes out in a whisper.  
  
Jeff keeps silent, allowing Jensen all the time he needs to cry until he’s satisfied and all that’s left are just sobs.  
  
“What should I do, Jeff? It hurts so much.” Jensen sounds so lost that Jeff can feel his heart constricted.  
  
“You know,” Jeff says softly. “I think Jared loves you too in the same way.”  
  
“What? What do you mean?” Surprise and curiosity are evident in Jensen’s hoarse voice.  
  
So then Jeff tells Jensen about his theory. Facts in Jared’s life that make Jeff believe Jared’s feeling for Jensen is deeper than how it seems in the surface. How Jeff sometimes caught Jared staring at Jensen with wanting eyes when he thought nobody’s looking, and how his impenetrable anger at the moment is probably because it also hurts him a lot to think that Jensen, the person he loves, had left him with too many grief to bear and too few words.  
  
“I won’t ask you again why you left him in the first place. I know you won’t tell me that.” Jeff says in the end. “But, Jen, won’t you please just try to bear with all of this a little while longer? The anger blinding Jared’s objective perceptions will be gone and Jared’s scar will heal one day. And no matter how much it hurts now, you know you want to be by his side when that happens, don’t you?”  
  
Jensen doesn’t answer and Jeff knows Jensen will need some time alone to think about what he just said.  
  
“Jen, I think I’ll hang up and let you think about it, okay? I’ll call you again the day after tomorrow since I’ll be very busy from today onwards and I might not be able to call you like usual. I think I’ll make my next calls on my plane home.” Jeff says, and grins when he only hears Jensen mumbles something as the response, apparently still drifted too deep into his own thoughts by Jeff’s earlier explanation.  
  
Hanging up the phone, Jeff sighs. He really wishes nothing worse will be happened before his returning to New York to help both his best friends settle this problem between them once and for all.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jeff’s words totally throw Jensen in a loop.  
  
He finds it so hard to believe that Jared is also actually in love with him just as much. And not to mention Jeff’s said proves can’t be categorized as hard evidence.  
  
But it’s _Jeff_ , who has been standing besides Jared for years, even when Jensen wasn’t around. It should be enough time for someone to understand Jared thoroughly.  
  
And there’s also the look Jared had on his face that night when he brings Jensen’s dinner to his room. No matter how much Jensen refuses to think about it for he doesn’t want to encourage false hope that might hurt him further, still Jensen knows that there was something more than lust in Jared’s eyes when his gaze met Jensen’s that night.  
  
And now Jensen can’t help but feels that a bud of hope has grown inside his heart.  
  
Could it be true that Jared holds the same desire as Jensen does deep within his heart? Does he dare to believe that?  
  
Apparently, he has to.  
  
Because now that there might be a chance that his love for Jared isn’t one sided, somehow Jensen believes that there is no more perfect timing other than this moment to tell Jared about everything,  
  
Jensen seriously thinks that he can no longer bear Jared’s hatred even for a little bit longer. His poor heart seems like it has reached its limit.  
  
If Jensen doesn’t do something about it, he fears that the pressure of this situation will do something bad to him in the end.  
  
Sure it won’t force him into a decision to leave this house because there’s no way he’ll abandon Tom and Mike now when they needed him the most.  
  
But if he lets things just go like the way it is now, what Jensen fears the most is that even before the 6th month is over, he’ll be too broken to be fixed.  
  
Jensen realizes that if he wants to stop the flow of Jared’s wrath on him, he’ll have to tell the truth, about his feelings and about Thomas. Jensen knows now that what Thomas had done to him in the past will always haunted his relationship with Jared if he insists to keep silent about it.  
  
It won’t be easy for both of them, especially for Jared. And it pains Jensen to think how Jared will suffer after he learns about that dark secret. But Jensen will be there for him.  
  
And if Jared’s heart is really for Jensen like what Jeff had said, someday they should be able to overcome the past and all the heartaches that follow it. And then, maybe one day, Jensen will wake up in the morning to Jared’s sleeping face and he’ll smile because at last his happiness is lying there beside him.  
  
Finally reaching his decision, Jensen stares outside the window and he can see that this morning’s weather is amazing with the bright sun shining and blue clouds hovering up the earth in the sky.  
  
  
It’s a perfect day for revelation.  
  
  
He’ll come clean to Jared about everything. That being said, Jensen realizes that today could really be the day that marks the beginning of a new chapter in his and Jared’s life.  
  
  
And Jensen hopes, for once there won’t be any darkness marring this chapter.  
 **TBC**  
  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 15

  
Author's notes: Would have updated this in around March 17th, but as you all know, the site was closed down temporarily.  
Anyway, the site is back (yay~!) so here's chapter 15 for you. It's NC-17 for this chapter.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Jensen knows if he wants to finally tell Jared about everything, he must do it before Jared leaving for work. If he waits until tonight, his courage might leave him and things in his life will never change.  
  
Feeling sluggish, he rises up from bed and walk towards the bathroom. He’ll need more than just a shower today, so he pours the scented liquid of bubble bath into the tub rather generously and fills it with warm water.  
  
Once he gets all relaxed inside the bubbling water, Jensen takes a long and deep breath, trying to calm himself down. But the bathtub's wonder and all the self-humming turn out working only a little to relieve the thumping heart and anxious feeling that starts to formed inside him.  
  
Putting on his most comfortable clothes (a shirt and his favorite worn out black jeans), Jensen stares at his reflection in the mirror.  
  
There’re obvious eye bags under his eyes and his lips have become so red due to his teeth’s constant biting. But overall his outer appearance looks just fine, as if today isn’t the day where his entire fate will be bet on. Jared won’t assume anything just by looking at him right now.  
  
Yet Jensen knows better and he can feel his stomach coiling due to the nervousness.  
  
Jensen exits his room and walks through the hallway towards dining room, realizing that it’s still a bit too early to have breakfast but can’t bear to just stay inside.  
  
There’s only Kate there who is preparing the table. She looks up when Jensen walks in.  
  
Jensen feels a bit down but strangely at the same time feels relieved that he hasn’t had to face Jared, yet. “Kate, where’s my brother?” He asks.  
  
“Ah, Mr. Jared said that he will have his breakfast at the office today. He’s still in his room right now, getting ready for work.” She tells Jensen with a smile before resuming on preparing the table.  
  
Jensen is standing there --eyes unconsciously watching Kate putting down plates and foods on the table--, torn apart between waiting for Jared to come downstairs or just speeding this whole torturing process by meeting Jared up in his room.  
  
But, he has already figured that in this case the sooner is the better.  
  
Kate finishes her last touch on the table and looks up at Jensen again. “Mr. Jensen, would you like to have your breakfast now?”  
  
Jensen blinks at that, mind's still reeling, and shakes his head with a little smile. “Thanks, but I need to talk with Jared right now, so I guess I’ll have it later, Kate.” Then Jensen turns back and starts walking slowly towards the staircase.  
  
Jensen knocks Jared’s door once and when a low “Who is it?” heard from behind the door, Jensen licks his lips nervously before answering.  
  
“It’s Jensen. I need to have a word with you, Jared." For a moment there’s only silence, and Jensen is fidgeting on his feet.  
  
“I’m in a rush.” Jared finally responds with a grunt. “Can’t it wait?”  
  
Jensen can’t help but wonder if he is not the only one who is still so much influenced by what happened last night. Jared sounds angry, and pissed off, and once again Jensen has this feeling that Jared’s pissed off to no one but himself.  
  
“I need to talk.” Jensen perseveres, and cringes when he can hear Jared cursing before the door swings opened a few seconds later.  
  
“What?!” Jared scowls, frown on his forehead and he looks terribly annoyed in his half unbuttoned grey shirt and black pants. Jensen notices Jared has eye bags too and he can smell reeks of alcohol faintly coming from inside the room and a little bit of it from Jared’s breath.  
  
Jensen gulps down and offers Jared a weak smile. “Can I please come in?”  
  
Jared glares at him for long minutes and Jensen has been preparing himself to hear another rejection when finally Jared steps back from the opened door, a silent invitation for Jensen to come in.  
  
Jensen steps in and closes the door behind him. Feeling a bit like a lost kid, Jensen looks around the room that is dominated with brown color and wooden furniture, wondering whether he should be sitting down on that antique chair right there or just standing around somewhere near the door, just in case Jared loses his patience and kicks him out.  
  
Jensen does the last and Jared just barely glances at him standing awkwardly there as he’s rummaging inside his drawer.  
  
“Okay, now talk.” Jared drawls ignorantly, and pulls out a red tie from somewhere inside it.  
  
Jensen stares down. Now as he stands in front of Jared, suddenly he feels his throat clogged by doubt and fear though he knows he must not turning back.  
  
“Um.... I’ve been thinking all night, and I’ve decided to tell you the truth about everything.” Jensen starts with his hands fidgeting, still doesn’t dare looking at Jared.  
  
Jared lifts one of his eyebrows. “Really?” He says dismissively while his hands are busy fixing up the tie around his neck. “You always seemed so set in keeping things for yourself. Why change your mind?”  
  
Jensen doesn’t say anything for a while, thinking how he can tell Jared about everything without making the situation worse than it has been. He glances at an almost empty glass and a half a bottle of whisky on the table at his right side, unconsciously wondering how much Jared had drunk last night.  
  
“Living with you for a couple of weeks, I can feel how much you hate me.” Jensen's voice is hoarse and then he finally looks up. “Really Jared, it kills me inside and I want your hatred to end. But I realize it won’t be gone until I explain all of the things that have been hidden in the dark for so long.”  
  
Jared finishes tucking in his shirt into his pants and he stands there, staring at Jensen with a smirk on his face. “Yeah?” He folds his hands on his chest. “What things?”  
  
“About the reason I left three years ago, and some other things that you should know. I’m hoping what I'm going to say can make us restart our relationship all over again, in a more better terms.” Jensen clutches his end of shirts with his restless hands. _This is it._  
  
“ _I love you, Jared._ ”  
  
Jared’s smirk disappears at that.  
  
“I know you don’t believe me, or maybe you’re disgusted on hearing me saying this, but I really do love you, more than a love for a brother. That's being said, maybe you can imagine how all of these loathe and vengeance you keep inside yourself for me are driving me crazy with each day passed by. I’ve been trying to hide it for like, ever. But I’m done with it now.” Jensen is rambling, he knows, and he can’t help it because Jared is still standing there without saying anything. “I want you to know that I’ve always loved you, so deeply. I don’t know when it started or what had caused it but the fact is you’re the only one who can make me feel this way.” Jensen says that last words with breath racing.  
  
He finally, _finally_ , told Jared about how he feels, and all these fears and reliefs mix into one inside him. Jensen wonders if perhaps he should stop talking now before he scares Jared with his heart-spilling words.  
  
Jared stares at Jensen in a shock expression. “You love me?”  
  
And looking at the way Jared’s voice gets soft as he said it, Jensen almost choked in emotion because all of this is suddenly becoming too much for him. “Yes, Jared, _I do_.”  
  
Jared averts his gaze from Jensen to the floor blankly, seems like he’s still trying to digest Jensen’s sudden confession into his mind. Then he looks up, his gaze is sharp once again. “Then why did you leave me?” His voice cracks at the end.  
  
Jensen shakes his head slowly. “I’ve never wanted to tell you this, but..., I’ve gotten my shares of pain for so long and I just can't take it anymore.” Gulping down all his doubts, Jensen tries to be strong and looks at Jared straight in the eyes. “Thomas, your father… He’s… I’m barely 17 when he first started to touch me.”  
  
Jared blinks, and gapes a second later. “What?”  
  
“...He had been abusing me ever since my second year of Senior High. He was abusing me mentally and sexually. And everyday, everyday, I had to bear with all of the things he did to me because Thomas said he won’t pay for my mother’s treatment if I ever said no.” Jensen shakes his head sadly, realizing how his voice is trembling. “You were gone and she’s all I had left. I couldn’t afford to lose her, Jared.”  
  
Jared’s eyes are staring unfocusedly in his shock.  
  
The tears that have already brimming in Jensen's eyes are threatening to fall down in any minute now, but Jensen does all he can to prevent that from happening. It’s not his time to cry. It’s not him whose heart is going to be broken at this spoken truth.  
  
“Then my mother died, and I knew right then that it was my God given chance to save myself, away from Thomas.” Jensen continues in a softer tone. “So I ran away, because it'd be impossible for me to live in this house for even a second longer with Thomas around, reminding me restlessly of things he had done to me.”  
  
Jared suddenly laughs, shaking his head over and over again. “No, no way. If it’s true I would’ve known, would I?” His eyes are wild as he throws those words to Jensen.  
  
“ _You weren’t there_ , Jared.” Jensen hisses, helpless at repressing the horrible memories suddenly flooding his mind, tearing open those old wounds and burns his heart. “You never were. Even now I still can't figure out what made you could barely look at me in the eyes ever since we’d grown up into teenagers.”  
  
Jared seems to be taken aback by that and his jaws tightened, but he says nothing.  
  
“Look, me telling you all of this now, I wasn’t blaming anyone here for what had happened.” Jensen smothers his hair back desperately. His emotions are starting to get out of control and if he lets it go on like this, things will surely get messy and stray much too far from his earlier intentions. “All I want now is for you to know the truth, to understand the reason why I did what I did three years ago. It wasn’t because of you. It never was. I love you too much to leave you without good reason. And now I hope after we clear things out, we can start all over again.”  
  
Jared shakes his head wildly, and Jensen can feel his panic comes back at the sight of Jared smothering his hair angrily.  
  
“I’m not asking you to love me back.” Jensen licks his suddenly dried lips, notices how his voice has started to sound begging. “I’m just asking you to forgive me and forget everything in the past. Let’s be brothers, friends, _whatever_ it is you want to happen between us, but please no more hatred.” Jensen rubs his wet eyes because Jared’s figure is starting to get really blurry now. “Not from you. I can’t live with it much longer.”  
  
For a moment nothing heard from both of their mouth, until Jared growls. “Shut up.”  
  
“Jared?” Jensen whispers, feels scared by dark expression suddenly appeared in Jared’s face.  
  
Jared moves fast and suddenly Jensen feels a big hand grabbing his top shirt. The next things Jensen knows is Jared hoisting him backwards swiftly and he lets out a loud huff as he feels his back make an impact with the wall.  
  
“You _lying jerk_. Stop saying bad things about my father.” Jared glares at Jensen, his eyes narrowing with burning anger and so much else.  
  
Jensen can see all the hurts in Jared’s eyes, knowing that this is exactly what he feared the most if he tells Jared. It’s surely making him suffer so much to know that Thomas is not the same person he has had in mind for years.  
  
“Jared...,” Jensen says with trembling voice, can’t bear the wounded expression in Jared’s face and the fact that Jared’s whole body is trembling. “I’m sorry. Really I am. But I’m telling the truth and sooner or later you’ll have to deal with it.”  
  
Jared growls and shakes him up, and this time Jensen cringes when his head bang the wall pretty hard due to Jared’s harsh movement.  
  
“ _Shut up_ or I swear to God I’ll kill you with my own hands.” Jared hisses and Jensen really can’t stop his tears from falling this time.  
  
He doesn’t know what else he can do or say to make this, to make _them_ , right.  
  
“Jared…” Jensen runs a hand over Jared’s cold cheeks, trying to calm him down. But Jared shakes his hands off with his other free hand and his eyes are so dark in color when he sneers.  
  
“What makes you think I’ll believe you? Who knows if you’re lying or not? You could be seducing my father into doing what you said he was doing for all I know.” Jared’s eyes are squinting angrily. “Everyone knows you’re always thirsty for attention, Jensen. Your daddy left you when you were still just a kid, while your mom was lying weakly on bed in those times you needed her most. And I was off just so I could be away from you as far as possible.”  
  
Jensen gapes at Jared’s accusing and hurting words.  
  
But Jared ignores it as he leans his face forward, his huffing breath hits Jensen’s paling face. “You were lonely, and my father was there, with his unconditional love for you and you took advantage of it, didn’t you?”  
  
Jensen shakes his head repeatedly, is afraid now because he can feel Jared’s grips on his collar is just getting tighter and stronger.  
  
“You tempted him, didn’t you Jensen? You tempted him with your angelic looks and beautiful smile. You were so hollow inside and nobody wanted to fill it in for you so you used my father to satisfy your sick needs.” Jared is shouting now. “You’re the one who turned him into this awful person like you said he was, didn’t you?!”  
  
Jensen shuts his eyes tight, hoping to bury down Jared’s words deep into the back of his mind because they hurt much more than this big hand that is hoisting and half choking him with unimaginable strength.  
  
Jared’s breath is hot in his ear when he whispers, “You want me to stop hating you, _little brother_? Then keep dreaming.”  
  
Jared grips Jensen tighter, and drags him along as he turns towards the bed and throws Jensen onto it.  
  
“I think you haven’t fully grasped it in your mind on just how much I loathe you. So, let me show it to you now.” Jared says in a low tone as he slowly unfastens his tie and makes step after step, approaching the bed where Jensen’s laying helplessly.  
  
Seeing that, Jensen realizes exactly what Jared means with it and fear is clutching him so tight. All of a sudden he feels like he’s 16 again, helpless and crying with Thomas' roaming hands on his skin.  
  
Panic and scared, Jensen scurries back on the bed, trying to escape Jared’s seemingly unstoppable wrath.  
  
  
  
But as Jared’s hand reaches forward and grips one of his legs, Jensen knows he's done for.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
It hurts.  
  
Jensen remembers that it is indeed supposed to hurt, especially when it’s done this roughly and unprepared.  
  
But it hurts a lot more this time.  
  
The pain is flaring hotly through his body, and it’s so excruciating that Jensen can only burrow his head deeper into the sheet, gritting his teeth. He is trying to escape the pain, pushes his body away in caterpillar-like movement, but Jared’s strong grip in his waist stops him from moving.  
  
Then something clicks on his head.  
  
It’s not his body which is in pain. Not when he can feel it goes numb with every thrust.  
  
It’s his inside that is on fire, and it feels like the hotness is spreading wildly, trying so hard to find a way out. But he can sense that all of him is closing up. Even his pores felt like they're scrunching in; trying with no success to refuse to let even a bead of sweat out.  
  
 _This is bad_.  
  
Everything in Jensen wants out.  
  
Everything in him wants to escape this cruel reality. But his body seems so eager to shut him down, to make him oblivious to everything outside just so it can force him to fully acknowledge what he feels inside.  
  
Jensen is squeezing his eyes shut all the time, hopes by doing so; he can dodge the harsh fact that _this_ is different.  
  
God, this whole thing -the hands that are roughly caressing his back, the teeth brutally nipping his ear line, the whole non-consented sexual thing- they are so familiar that Jensen can almost feel tingles of anticipation along with disgust coursing through his body.  
  
But _this_ is different. This is _not_ that damn Thomas.  
  
This is _Jared_.  
  
This is Jared who is pinning his hand painfully behind his back to prevent him from escaping.  
  
This is Jared who is thrusting hard and raw inside Jensen despite his scattered pleading for him to stop.  
  
This is Jared whose breathing is heavy on top of him, drowning in his own search of pleasure and ignores Jensen’s pain.  
  
This is Jared who's whispering dirty and demeaning words to him; desperately tries to crush Jensen’s already dented pride into pieces of dust.  
  
This is _his Jared_. His beloved Jared. His everything.  
  
This is Jared who tenses suddenly, groaning and spilling his burning seed inside Jensen, and it feels like all of his hate, his anger, his grudge, his everything but love is also spilled inside. So deep that Jensen knows he’ll feel them for many times to come. And no matter how many times he cleans them out, they’ll stay stuck, for they are like a brand from Jared for him.  
  
A brand that will mark him as everything but Jared’s.  
  
A brand that’ll entitle him as something he always is. As whom he meant to be. As something he always refuses to acknowledge for he still holds his hope high.  
  
It is a brand that marks Jensen as _nothing_.  
  
So when Jared withdraws himself, Jensen almost weeps for the irony that Jared pulls out in a sickeningly gentle movement right after he fucked Jensen in a very contradictive way.  
  
It’s like he is afraid he’ll hurt Jensen if he moves in a hurry. He lets Jensen’s arms go in a soothing way. And silently, he rises up; lifting himself off of Jensen’s naked back and off the bed.  
  
His gentleness makes Jensen’s heart flutter weakly in expectations.  
  
 _Maybe he’s sorry?_  
  
And Jensen, if anything, is always a sucker for hopes.  
  
So Jensen gathers his strength, tries hard to ignore the pain and the soreness all over his body. Bit back his whimper when he feels his lower body throbs mercilessly.  
  
  
  
 _Please, Jared, be sorry._

_God, please make him sorry for everything.  
  
Please heal me. _

_It’s not too late.  
  
I still love you. _

_Hug me and tell me that I mean something for you.  
  
Say that you love me…._  
  
  
  
Jensen’s scrambling to get up, all the while praying for God to spare him the sentiment and make his hopes come true.  
  
But apparently, God didn’t take his offer for a truce.  
  
Jared is sitting on one of the chairs facing the bed. His suit is crumpled and disheveled and his pants are still unzipped, showing traces of dark hair inside. Jensen can not help but think that Jared truly looks like a sex god. A very cruel one at that.  
  
He is slouched and slumped over the chair and looks like he is all relaxed, but it’s his _eyes_ that give away everything.  
  
From his eyes, Jensen knows that once again, his hopes are abandoned.  
  
Jared is looking at Jensen with such hatred and a chilly anger, even more intense than before. And somehow, his gaze makes Jensen feel so dirty, so unworthy than ever.  
  
“I don’t believe in everything you said and I don’t want to hear any of it coming out of your dirty mouth once again.” Jared’s voice is cold and sharp and it slits Jensen’s heart open. “This house is yours now. All of my father’s fucking inheritance is yours. And you can have every acre, every company, every goddamn penny of my father’s money and all the heartaches and problems that will burden you along with it. I’ll take care of it with Jeff and make sure all of it will be done legally. And then I wish, _by God_ , I will never have to see your face anymore.”  
  
Jared’s cruel words make Jensen’s heart shrink; make something inside him wilt and die.  
  
It’s a litany of hatred and it makes Jensen suddenly feel so difficult to breathe, or think. All of the soreness, the throbbing pain, the hurt, _everything_ is coming back to him with a full force, and it’s adding up to a dawning realization that he will _never_ be something to Jared.  
  
Sobbing, Jensen moves to pick up his scattered clothes on the floor and flees the room.  
  
\---00o00---  
  
Jared thinks he should’ve felt satisfied now because he was just succeeded in realizing his plan to make Jensen living hell.  
  
But the fact is: all of these sharp regrets and self-hate and pointless anger and the doubts inside him still refuse to go away and Jared is surprised when he feels a bead of tear rolling down his cheek.  
  
Closing his eyes, Jared can still remember Jensen’s whimperings, how he looked so broken right before he collected his clothes and walked out with his head down.  
  
Jared wipes his face harshly with one of his now sweaty hands and curse _this_ very day as he reaches for the half bottle of whisky on the table.  
  
  
  
 **TBC**  
  



	17. Chapter 16

  
Author's notes: Here's new chapter. It's damn long. Too long. I mean, almost 9000words. And I don't know if this one will suit your taste, considering there are so many pro and contra I received for my previous chapter. Comments and opinions are very most welcome.  
Really hope you'll enjoy this one though. I racked my brain for the whole two weeks I spent on writing it and now my brain is literally exhausted. ^^  
Oh, and I warn you there's a prostitution theme starting from this chapter. So don't read this if it's not your thing, or just read but don't bitch about it after, kay? ^^;  
Thank you~!  
  


* * *

  
Chapter 16  
  
“What do you mean he left?” Jeff glares at George.

The old butler pales at the tone of anger in Jeff’s voice. “I don’t know, Mr. Morgan. Mr. Ackles left this morning, by foot. He looked very upset, but I swear he took nothing in his hands. That’s why I assumed he was just going to take a walk somewhere. ”

Jeff brushes his hair in frustrations. Something bad must have happened.

He finished his job unexpectedly earlier than expected and just got off his night flight two hours ago. He rushed here right after because the bad feeling he had been having since he left New York just wouldn’t go away and was only getting worse.

But George said Jensen hadn’t been home even as the clock struck 10 pm, and when he and George checked Jensen’s room, Jensen’s things were still in their place.

“Where’s Jared?” Jeff grits his teeth. If something bad happened to Jensen, Jared must have at least known something about it.

“Mr. Padalecki hasn’t been out of his room since early this morning. Kate said Mr. Ackles went to see Mr. Padalecki before breakfast because he said he had something to talk about with him. He left house some times after that.”

Jeff gapes. _Oh God, no._

_Not that. Don’t tell me Jensen had been stupid enough to tell Jared about everything._

Rushing, Jeff goes straight up to Jared’s bedroom.

The door isn’t locked, and swinging it open, Jeff wrinkles his nose instinctively because all of sudden he is assaulted by heavy stench of alcohol filling the dark room.

Jeff curses as he hurriedly switches on the light and moves towards lines of big windows. Opening them wide to let the fresh night air in, he turns around and sees Jared sprawled on his bed, eyes shut.

His shirt is crumpled and more than two empty bottles of whiskey are lying on the sheets next to him, one is held in his loose grip.

Jeff watches as Jared frowns and blinks at the bright light of the lamp suddenly hits his senses.

“Fuck, my head.” He growls, holding his head and cringes.

It takes a full minute for him to realize Jeff is standing there across him, glaring.

“Jeff?” He slurs drunkenly.

“Where’s Jensen?”

Jared coughs and curses again because it makes his head hurt like hell. “What?”

“Where’s Jensen, Jay?” Jeff takes two steps forward, trying to maintain his patience.

Jared gives Jeff a blank gaze for a moment, before laughing and Jeff can see a flash of something dark in his eyes.

“That jerk?” Jared slurs, scrambling to sit. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s in the corner somewhere, weeping pathetically after what I’ve done to him.”

Jeff’s eyes squint sharply at that. “What did you say?”

Jared looks at Jeff with hazy eyes for a moment. “It’s not my fault, right, Jeff?” He shrugs and chuckles drunkenly. “It’s not like I’m the evil one. That bastard deserves it.”

Jeff’s patience is on the edge now and he grits his teeth. “Jared, _in the name of lord_ , what did you do to him?”

But Jared doesn’t answer. He’s just sitting there, on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at the soft Persian rug beneath.

“Answer me, damn it!” Jeff yells.

Jared looks up at that, and Jeff curses under his breath when he can see Jared’s eyes brimming with tears.

“He was…” Jared gulps down a breath. “He was standing right there, telling me all these fucked up things about how he loved me and how it was my father’s horrible treatment that drove him into the decision of running away three years ago…. And I just can’t believe it.”

Jeff shuts his eyes tightly in frustration. Apparently he guessed right, and by the time he opens his eyes, he can see Jared is shaking his head over and over again.

“He’d got to be lying, Jeff. My father would never do something that cruel.” Jared’s lower lips trembling as he says that. “He was a very good man and you know that. Hell, _everybody_ knows that.”

Jeff pinches his nose bridge, a headache suddenly formed inside his head. Sighing, he stares at Jared. “Look, Jared. I’ve been here for almost an hour already and it’s almost fucking midnight, yet Jensen is nowhere to be found. George told me he left this morning upset, leaving his things behind in his now empty room. So let me ask you this once again. _What did you do to him?_ ”

Jared looks back straight to Jeff’s eyes and grips the bed sheet tighter as he says, “I raped him.”

Jeff gapes. “ _You did what_?” And Jeff frowns as Jared suddenly laughs.

“I raped him, Jeff. Here, on this bed.” Jared says with a bitter half-grin on his face, ignoring a flick of guilt that stings his heart sharply as he’s saying that.

And Jared has only two seconds to blink his haze away when suddenly he feels Jeff’s fist makes contact with his jaw so hard that the world turns black as he passes out.  


\---00o00---

  
Jared opens his eyes and the first thing he realizes is his head thrumming painfully. He groans and tries to sit straight. The morning sunlight floods through the all 6 opened windows and he’s forced to squint his eyes as he looks around the room.

That’s when he sees Jeff, sitting with a grim face on the couch across the bed, and suddenly some of the memories of last night come back to him.

Jensen. The rape. His cruel words to Jensen that he had said in despair to cover all the guilty feelings he felt afterward. Jeff’s angry punch on him.

Jared groans louder as the memory assault makes his head hurts even more and it catches Jeff’s attention.

Jeff stares at him, completely ignoring Jared’s pain. “I can’t find him, Jay.” His voice is thick with grief.

Jared rubs his forehead and frowns. “Can’t find who?”

Jeff glares. “Jensen.” He shakes his head in frustration. “I drove through almost half of the city, set my eyes on every one on the road side, hoping I’d catch sight of him. I went to every bus and train station, asking officers and people there who might have seen him around. But he’s nowhere to be found.”

Jared’s eyes turn dark. “Why trouble yourself with that?” He says mockingly, slowly swinging his feet down to the floor. Jared can feel his wall of twisted self defense thicken inside him. “I finally got it even with his betrayal and his wicked lies yesterday and if he chose to leave, then it suits me just fine. I just hope he won’t have guts to come back in the future.”  
  
“You’re unbelievable, you know that? Have you ever thought that what Jensen said might be a God’s honest truth?” Jeff stares at him, amazed by the ignorance in his best friend’s voice.

Jared’s gaze at Jeff this time is not the kind one. “No, it has _never_ crossed my mind before. You know why? It’s because I fucking know my father. He would never do something like that. And besides, why do you care so much anyway?” Jared is starting to lose his patience and forgetting all the manners.  
  
“Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for him?” Jared snorts, apparently finding it ridiculous. “Damn, Jeff. I've known that Jensen was good at gaining favor from people since he was a little boy. But you’ve been a womanizer and heartless in love ever since I knew you and for him to finally succeed in getting _your_ favor, I’m impressed.”

Jared never sees Jeff looking angrier than he is right now and he gulps as Jeff suddenly rises from his seat and strides to stand in front of him in a matter of seconds. Jared looks up nervously at Jeff’s towering figure.  
  
“I’ve known you for so long, Jared, but I’ve never realized that you can be this shallow and narrow-minded.” Jeff says with disappointment clear in his voice. “You were blinded by anger and all those stupid scenarios your father had cruelly set up until you can no longer see or let yourself believe in a simple truth.”

Jared blinks. “What are you talking about?”

Jeff reaches inside his suit and takes out a thin paper fold. “ _This_ is what I’m talking about.” He hisses, waving the copy of Thomas’s letter for Jensen in front of Jared’s face. “Your father, Thomas, wrote this letter and gave it to me inside a sealed envelope, along with his will; giving me direct order to hand this over to Jensen right after the will reading. So now,” Jeff throws the letter into Jared’s lap, then takes two steps back, watching Jared stares dumbfounded at the paper fold. “ _You_ read that letter and tell me who the real lying traitor is.”

Glancing at Jeff once, who beckons him silently to just go on and read, Jared picks up the letter with his slightly trembling right hand, opens the folded papers and starts to scan words after words written on it.

Jeff bites his lips. Even after all the anger he shows for Jared’s stupidity, he can’t help but feel tremendous sadness for his best friend as he sits there with that letter in his grip, especially when Jeff can see Jared’s eyes widen more and more, his face scrunches in mental agony as he reads every single words on it.

Jared is finally, _finally_ , getting the truth smacked in his face and Jeff knows that this time Jared can’t deny or dodge it because he must have recognized his father’s handwriting there right away.

Jared doesn’t deserve this. Neither does Jensen. And if only Thomas was still alive, Jeff would have killed him with his bare hands because seriously, that man had fucked up too many lives and even if somehow Jared and Jensen find ways to overcome all of this, there’s got to be a hole left inside both of them that’ll never be able to be filled by anything.  
  
“Oh, God.” Jared’s voice is hoarse by the time he reaches the end of the letter. “Oh God, oh my God.” Jared looks up at Jeff, his eyes are desperate and wild and he’s tearing up and Jeff can feel a painful squeeze in his heart at the sight.

“Jeff, what have I done?” Jared says, trembling. His hand grips the letter he holds with a crushing force. “Jensen…. He’s telling the truth. _What have I done_?” Jared chokes on a sob, looking so lost and in so much pain and Jeff knows the regret is starting to eat him from the inside as he grits his teeth and says,  
  
“Jeff, I have to find him.”

  
\---00o00---

  
That morning, Jared ends up telling Jeff everything.

Sitting there on his messed up bed with trace of tears still visible on his cheeks and eyes staring blankly at his tightly entwined hands, Jared spills his story. About his undying love for Jensen. How he had tried so hard to keep that feeling inside because he thought it was for the best. How he now realizes that his unconscious effort to forget about his broken heart due to Jensen’s leaving must had been the one that drove him so easily into the bitter scheme Thomas had cold-bloodedly set up for them both.

And then, gripping his fist so tight Jeff sure it will leave mark, Jared looks up and asks him with fresh tears in his eyes.

_What should I do, Jeff?_

_The only thing filling my mind right now is this fierce desire to just kill myself and end this fucked up life of mine. But I know that even if I ripped my soul into pieces, it would all just be useless. Jensen will still be out there, alone and hurt and broken, all because of me._

Jeff shivers at the scary and painful truth behind those words. It causes him to just stand there, speechless. And just like that, as the silent stretched between both of them, Jared turns his gaze throughout the window and then Jeff can hear him beginning to chant that one phrase blankly, over and over again:

  
_I have to find him._   


After a moment, Jeff just can’t stand it anymore. He moves forward to haul Jared on his feet and hugs the shivering body tightly.

“It’s okay, Jay...” Jeff tightens his hold over Jared, realizing how his voice cracks when he says it. “It’s okay. We’ll find him.”

  
“ _We’ll definitely find him_.”

  
\---00o00---

  
It has been almost two months now and every day the feeling of déjà vu haunts Jared as he’s bending over backwards raking the whole town and beyond, keeping his eyes and ears open wide and doing everything he can with Jeff along his side, but still, he can’t find any trace of Jensen.

Once again, Jensen has disappeared into thin air.

And every single day, the unbelievable weight of regret and guilt and self-hatred and ‘ _what ifs_ ’ are burdening Jared’s mind, so much that he already can feel the early stage of depression by each second passing.

He’s losing sleep, foods taste like rubber in his mouth, and the daily headache is a bitch.

He really believes he would have lost it and ended up spending the rest of his life in some mental hospital by now if it weren’t for Jeff who keeps encouraging him, providing back ups and suggestions and help and even a smack on the head if he misses his meal time.

But despite the endless support from Jeff, Jared knows his best friend can’t give him the things he needs the most right now: salvation, love, happiness, _and_ Jensen.

Jared has lost all of them in one package, and this time he realizes he has nobody to blame but himself.

Jared is sitting behind his desk this afternoon, scanning stack of reports from those detectives he hired to locate Jensen. From what he’s reading, they still haven’t got a clue and Jared grits his teeth in despair.

That’s when the phone on his desk rings. Quickly, Jared picks it up, hoping it’s a call from Jeff, from someone, _anyone_ , who can give him leads on Jensen.

“Jared Padalecki’s speaking.”

For a moment, nothing heard from the other end of line.  
  
“It’s you…” A man growls suddenly.

Jared frowns at the hostilityheard clearly from his voice. “Who’s this?”  
  
“It’s Mike.” The man says shortly. “Is Jensen there? I need to talk to him.”

Jared suppresses his annoyed feeling at the man’s impolite manner because he’s asking Jensen can only mean one thing.  
  
“Are you Jensen’s friend?” Jared asks, excited at the possibility of finding the lost chain that can connect him to Jensen. “Look…, Mike. I’m Jensen’s brother. You’ve got to help me. Jensen left here almost two months ago and no matter what I do, I still can’t find him. Do you have any idea where he might be gone?”

“Yeah, I _know_ you. Great job you’ve been doing as Jensen’s brother, you asshole.” Mike says in a sarcastic tone. “Now, what do you mean he’s gone?”

Jared closes his eyes and rubs his temple. _Great_ , he whimpers silently. This guy is the only person that might be able to help him right now and it sounds like he hates Jared's guts.

“Yeah, well, some things happened.” Jared licks his lips, tries to tread carefully with his words. He doesn’t want this man to suddenly cut off his line in anger and leaves him back to square one. “He left one morning and I haven’t been able to reach or find him ever since.”

“I don’t get it.” Mike sounds confused, and annoyed. “He _can’t_ be gone. He wired me the money two weeks ago, saying he was sorry that he wouldn’t be able to accompany me through the surgery because he had important things to do. The surgery worked wonders and Tom is healthy enough now that the doctor had allowed him to leave the hospital. I’m calling to give him this good news because all of a sudden he never called anymore.”

Jared is the one who’s confused now. “He wired you money? Could you tell me what the money was for?”

“He didn’t tell you?” Mike sounds surprised. “Fuck. That’s just great. I bet that means he was living high life with you there, wasn’t he?”

Jared’s mind is reeling with guesses and curiosity at this new piece of information and since he can’t find a word to say to the mocking words Mike throwing at him, he chooses to say nothing.

“Do you really think his reason to stay was just so he could lay back and live off of your father’s fucking money for the rest of his life?” Mike sounds amazed and once again Jared is speechless.

“Yeah, I’m sure you do.” Mike snorts. “Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Jared Padalecki. Jensen was so close to leaving that house and living somewhere else by himself after the will reading because he knew your assumptions of him would only get worse and he didn’t want that. That stubborn man just loves you too damn much. But then Tom got sick, and both of us were in dire need of money to pay for Tom’s heart surgery. That was why Jensen decided to stay, just so he could give us the money to get Tom healthy again.”

Jared gapes, unconsciously gripping the receiver harder.

_Jensen stayed because of that?_

Jared feels even worse than before now. His heart hurts so much that he can’t help but cringe because he can still remember every single word he had said to Jensen when he told him that he decided to stay.

“I…” Jared gulps down the bitterness he’s feeling in his mouth. His voice is hoarse and weak and he just doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with himself now. “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, well, you know _nothing_ about him.” Mike says grimly. “That guy has been through a lot of pain, yet he still came to you because he had this twisted faith that somehow you’d change and things would be better between the two of you.”

Jared squeezes his eyes shut at that. His throat was clogged with regret and oh how he wishes he can turn back the time.  
  
“Wait,” Mike suddenly sounds worried. “If he left your house months ago, then where the hell is he now and where did he get the money from?”

Jared frowns. The new question Mike brought up to the surface has also made him feel restless all of a sudden. He checks the balance report everyday and there’s no suspicious or unknown expenses recorded, which means Jensen didn’t take any of Padalecki family’s money. But Jensen left without even bringing his canvas bag and clothes. It just doesn’t make sense.

Surgery costs a lot, he’s aware. Jared doesn’t have to ask Mike how much money Jensen had sent him. So yeah, _where did he get the money from_?  
  
“Look, I know I’ve been the most horrible bastard when it comes to Jensen. But Mike, you’ve got to help me here. Could you please let me know if Jensen is contacting you in any way?”

“Are you stupid in the head?” Mike sounds like he doesn’t believe what he just heard. “What makes you think I’ll let him be near you ever again? All you do is hurt him and if it was up to me, I’ll make sure Jensen would never even be in the same room with you.”

Jared is about to beg, but Mike’s next question shuts him up.

“What did you do to make him leave anyway?”

Jared doesn’t know how to answer that. Telling the truth to Mike will only mean losing the only person that can lead him to Jensen.  
  
“I’ve done bad things to him. Horrible things. Hell, I’m not even sure he’ll ever want to see me again.” Jared answers vaguely, pressing his chest to stop the stinging pain as the words leave his mouth. “But now that I’ve learned the truth, I need to find him, Mike. Jensen deserves at least an apology from me.”

Mike says nothing for a moment, and Jared unconsciously holds his breath.  
  
“You know, if only I was standing in front of you now, you’d be on the floor bleeding.” Mike’s voice is dark and dangerous. “Just leave him be, _Jared_. Let people who _actually care_ for him to go and find him. You don’t deserve Jensen at all so consider this a warning.”

And then Mike cuts the line off, leaving Jared in the brink of tears because he knows how right Mike’s words are.

Jensen deserves someone better, and at this point, even a fucking scumbag is worth more than Jared will ever be.

But he just can’t let go. _He just can’t_.

Jensen has been his life, his soul, and his reason to breathe for too long. He has been the ghost that haunts Jared’s life in every step he took. And what is happening between them now is only fueling up Jared even more to see Jensen once again, to apologize and beg on his knees and do just about anything to try to make things right, and then hold Jensen in his arms for eternity, giving all the love and protection against all harm like he has never been able to give before.

The way he sees it now, there’re only two options left in his life for him. It’s either he finds Jensen and somehow looking for a way to fix them, or move on with his life without Jensen by his side and end up dying a slow and painful death from the heartache and regrets.

Blinking his tears away, Jared dials a number on the phone.  
  
“Mr. Gray” Jared says, recognizing the voice of the famous private detective team’s leader he’s currently hiring. “It’s Jared Padalecki. I need you to do me a favor.”

Leaning back in his seat, feeling so emotionally exhausted, Jared is staring longingly through the windows at rows of rose bushes blooming beautifully in the garden outside as he gives his order. “Someone called me on this line just now. His name is Mike and I’m pretty sure he can help us find my brother. I want you to track down the phone number he used and give me the details as soon as you’re done.”

  
\---00o00---

  
Jeff shuts his BMW’s front door closed and rushes inside Padalecki’s residence. It has been 30 minutes since Jared ended his call, told him to meet him here as soon as he could because Jared has gotten a significant lead on Jensen’s whereabouts.

Jeff just hopes this lead won’t turn out to be a hoax, like many others had been before. Jensen is really good at disappearing, and these past two months there were numerous times Jeff couldn’t catch his sleep because of the worries that haunt his mind.

Jared is in his study, standing behind his desk, looking at a piece of paper held in his hand with a serious expression. Jeff notices black circles surrounding his best friend’s eyes, the way Jared’s cheek bones stand up under his skin like they never did before due to his messed up eating and sleeping schedule, and Jeff can’t help but feel saddened by the sight.

Jeff admits he has been having it hard lately, but what he feels can never be compared with destructive emotions Jeff knows have been swirling inside Jared ever since he lost control and bawled inside Jeff’s hug that morning after Jensen left.

Ever since his mother’s death, Thomas had been Jared’s target of love and attention. Jeff remembered the way Jared always had this smile on his face whenever he was talking about his father. Jeff also knew that the reason behind Jared never wanting to be anything but a successful businessman was because he admired Thomas badly.

Save for the last months of Thomas’s life, Jeff had never passed a single day with Jared without hearing him talking about his awesome father, bragging on and on about how much Thomas loved him. Thanks to Jared, Jeff used to be the first person to know about Thomas’s latest achievement and conquest, even before it was covered by media, and his best friend’s face was always beaming so brightly every time he told Jeff that.

Jeff assumes that Jared’s super-adornment act towards his father was partly because he didn’t allow himself to talk or do something about the other love of his life: his own step brother.

Jared’s face would turn dark and his answer was always curt and simple each time Jeff asked him about how Jensen was doing. And each time, he would end up talking more about Thomas instead, or sometimes about Mary. It had been like that for so long that Jeff found himself used to never talking about Jensen in Jared’s presence.

That being said, to be shoved by hard facts that his father’s true face is actually everything but what he had thought about him. And the sudden realization that he shouldn’t have had to endure all of his suffering caused by his suppressed love for Jensen, because it turned out Jensen loved him just as much. Those unexpected things must have done something bad inside Jared’s mind.

Jeff can’t really say he understands the reason behind what Jared had done to Jensen that morning. He’s not even sure Jared himself knows what had gotten to him. But in his line of work, Jeff had witnessed more than enough crimes which made him realize that people’s deepest emotions, those they kept forcefully locked and dormant inside the darkness of their souls, once exposed --especially if a denial is involved-- can really cause people to do ugly things that go beyond any common sense ever existing in this world.  
  
“Jeff!” Jared finally sees his approaching figure; grin on his face is wide and excited. For once after months, that handsome face seems to be brightened with spirits and hopes.  
  
“Take a look at this.” Jared waves the small paper in his hand. “I think we’re really getting close to find Jensen this time.”

Jeff smiles; can’t resist to return that long time no see excitement in Jared’s expression. “What’s this?” He says and snatches the paper off Jared’s grip.

“Okay, hear me out.” Jared chirps, taking his seat. “Two days ago a man named Mike called me. I was assuming he’s one of Jensen’s friends, and he didn’t deny it.”

Jeff stares at Jared curiously.

Jared’s face suddenly turns sad. “I know from him that Jensen’s decision to stay was because he wanted to help Mike and his lover, Tom, who were in a bad situation. Tom’s weak heart needed a surgery and the cost was just too much for them, so Jensen had promised to give them the cash they needed by taking it from… my father’s… inheritance.” Jared flinches and Jeff knows it’s because he has just mentioned his father.

“But the weird thing is the fact that Jensen wired the money to Mike two weeks ago when we both know perfectly that Jensen had left here two months ago without bringing a single thing. And there is absolutely no record of unknown expenses in Padalecki’s account, right?”

Jeff nods, frowning.

“So I tried to persuade him to say more. But he hung up before I had chance to do that.” Jared smiles grimly. “It sounded like he hates me. I guess being Jensen’s friend, he’s pretty much aware about me being a grand asshole.”

Jeff chooses not to respond to that touchy subject. Instead, he stares at the paper and raises one of his eyebrows as he’s reading what seems like an address scribbled on that small note.  
  
“That’s the address of the phone number he used. Mr. Gray gave it to me this morning.” Jared sees that and provides an explanation. “Apparently, it’s a bar called Port Locke. It’s pretty well known throughout that city, though the customers coming there are just your everyday handymen and store clerks kind of people. It’s just a regular bar for a regular people.”  
  
“Uh-huh.” Jeff waits for Jared to continue.  
  
“Well, this Mike together with Tom are working there as barmen and guess who used to be the third barmen working there.”

Jeff raises his eyebrows. “No way.” He says in surprise. “Jensen worked there?”

Jared nods. “He did but then he resigned around the time he first came back to this house. Not just that, Jensen used to live next to Mike and Tom’s apartment. It seems three of them are quite close friends.”  
  
“Well, it pretty much explains why they know about Jensen’s story with you. So what are you going to do now?” Jeff asks, taking his seat on one of the couch.

“Well, I assume I won’t get anywhere if I approach Tom and Mike. In fact, they might try to stand in my way of finding Jensen if they know I dare to even step my feet near the bar. Mike had clearly warned me about that right before he hung up after all. But Mr. Gray had sent one of his men to ask around the town secretly, which wasn’t easy because it seems all of Port Locke’s crew is doing the exact same thing. They even put up missing person posters all over town. Anyway, one of the guys questioned, _and_ bribed, said that he saw Jensen about more than a month ago, standing outside Port Locke, looking lost. The next thing he saw was Jensen leaving the bar with a man named Tony Holston. He’s known as typical town bastard.” Jared frowns at that. “He does odd jobs here and there and more than once he had made ruckus in some places.”

“His name is Tony?” Jeff snorts. “Why didn’t it surprise me to hear that he’s a thug? I even bet he speaks fake Italian accent for living.”

Jared smiles bitterly at the joke.

However all of a sudden Jeff finds himself feeling worried. “Wait, what kind of odd jobs?”

Jared shrugs, frowning even more deeply. “The guy couldn’t really say what job he does. It’s pretty vague and shady and most of the times people there just let him be as long as he stays out of their way. But Mr. Gray’s detective had succeeded in scraping the man’s address with some further investigation.”  
  
“So, I’m going there, tonight. I’ve already prepared everything I might need.” Jared leans forward, folding his hands on the desk with full determination on his expression. “I’ll find him, Jeff. And do whatever it takes to free both of us from this long time suffering.”

Jared’s eyes are dead set on Jeff’s; daring him to raise an objection. He silently challenges the older man to say something, anything, because both of them know how weak and raw this plan of Jared is. It’s decided in a rush, based on despair and thinly stretched hope.

It’s a fucked up scheme made in a fucked up situation. There’s a very high possibility that Jared might come back empty handed, succeeding only in adding more pain and frustration into his life and it will _not_ be because he doesn’t find Jensen on his way.  
  
“You need to do this alone, don’t you?” Jeff returns Jared’s staring with a soft gaze.

It’s rhetorical. Jared doesn’t even bother to answer.

Jeff sighs, folding his hands on his chest. “Oh, hell. You’ll need someone to take care of everything while you’re leaving anyway. I guess the only thing I can do right now is just bidding you a farewell, right?”

Both men smile at that.

“Good luck, Jared.” Jeff says as Jared’s giving him a thankful gaze from behind his desk, and swallows his own worry and fear for what might come.

  
\---00o00---

  
Jared is standing in front of the apartment numbered 103. Taking a deep breath, he knocks the wooden door hard, twice.

Two men he hired as bodyguard are standing silently behind him. With well built bodies and sunglasses on their face, they look scary and intimidating, just how Jared prefers them to be.

Actually he didn’t want to resort to ridiculously grandiose things such as this in the first place. However, if what he had heard about this Tony Holston is even only half true, then Jared thinks this is the best way he can come up with. There will be no way the man will want to cooperate easily, especially when he knows there’ll be nothing good in store for him in exchange of any information he might have, and even though Jared is certain that he can physically over power him if things get ugly, but Jared wants to keep this simple and easy.

Man like Tony Holston only fears for one thing: another man with more money and power than him.

However, bribing him with money has its own potential in making things more difficult. Jared can easily imagine the guy raising the price incredulously higher in order for him to open his mouth, and even worse Jared bets there will only be half truth in his words.

Jared really doesn’t have enough time and patience to deal with bullshit the man might put him up with. So Jared assumes that hard intimidation will work much better.

The door suddenly swings opened, revealing a foxy-eyed middle aged man with sly looks, a cigarette is hanging between his lips. Jared glances down and can see the man’s hand scratching his flabby belly beneath his undershirt and the room smells like public restroom in some shady bar.

Jared’s stomach churns at the horrible smell suddenly attacking his nose, but he tries to maintain the nonchalant looks he’s putting on his face.

“Tony Holston?” Jared nods a little. “My name is Jared Padalecki. Can I have a word with you?”

Tony Holston is eyeing Jared with narrowed eyes for a moment before turning his gaze to the men standing behind. “Are you here to collect money? I thought I’ve told Jefferson that I’ll have it delivered directly to him by Sunday.”

Jared holds the urge to roll his eyes. This guy is so _typically_ pathetic. “No, I think you mistook me for someone else.” Jared clears his throat and takes a step forward. “I’m here simply to ask you for a favor.”

Tony’s eyes brightened at that. “You have a business for me?” He says, licking his lips. “FYI, I don’t take job that involves offing someone. Too damn messy, I tell you.”

Jared gives him a fake smile. “There’ll be none of that, Mr. Holston. It’s just a simple favor.”

Tony stares at Jared speculatively for a moment. “Wait here, I’ll put on my clothes. We’ll talk someplace else.” He says and shuts the door closed.

  
\---00o00---

  
“You said it’s about a business.” Tony frowns, a hint of anger heard in his voice. He glances to that two men sitting next to his and Jared’s table and clears his throat.

The café they’re in now is not that crowded so it’s quiet and Jared knows that Tony doesn’t want to attract any unwanted attention, which actually goes into his favor.

Tony wants to talk someplace safe, considering Jared is bringing two scary looking guy along with him, but it also means that it’s not only Jared that won’t be able to pull any funny tricks now. He has to watch his act too.

“From my point of view, it _is_ a business, Mr. Holston.” Jared responds casually, his hands are laid on his thigh. “I want information, and I know you have it. It’s just that simple.”

“What makes you think I know about where your fucking stepbrother is right now?” Tony hisses.

Jared smiles. “Let’s just say I’ve done my homework.” Jared straightens his crossed leg and leans forward on his seat. “Now let me ask you this once again. Where is my step brother, Jensen?”

Tony glares at him. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Jared raises one of his eyebrows. “So you won’t admit that you met him about two months ago in front of Port Locke Bar? If you won’t then it’s funny since I know someone who swore up and down that he saw you leaving the bar with my step brother that one night.”

Tony doesn’t budge. “Perhaps the bastard needs his eyes checked, because I don’t remember shit about it.”

Jared meets Tony’s glare with a sharp stare. He really doesn’t have time for this, so he gets rid of the smile off his face and speaks with cold tone. “Look, I don’t mean to sound rude, but my guys have been keeping their eyes on you for almost two weeks now. Remember that small secluded and dark alley behind…what’s it called in the report…“ Jared acts like he’s thinking hard. “Boheme Pub?”

Jared smiles when he can see Tony’s face paling at that.

“I don’t think it’s a pack of flour that you were handing over to that poor teenager. Which personally I think you should be ashamed of doing that, by the way. I bet the boy has not even had his stubbles grown.” Jared shakes his head dramatically and lets out tsk-ing sound.

But Tony is still sitting there, frozen yet without a word. Jared guesses he needs to lay out a little bit more shock therapy on this man.

“Or maybe that one time when my men were following you around as you spent the whole two days stealing cars off the parking lot and then sold them to a man named Jack? From the photos taken, I should say that you have horrible taste in cars. No wonder you only got less than five grand for those three junks you sold…”

“You’re just bluffing.” Tony cuts Jared’s words with gritted teeth, yet his face looks even paler than before.

Jared’s face is darkened at that. “You don’t have to believe what I said. But I’ll tell you this: you are one filthy scumbag who ruins people’s lives for a living and I have more than enough proof in my hand and lines of this country’s most well known lawyers at my side to drag you into jail whenever I want, even though I’m not saying that killing you won’t be a simpler thing to do. I know some men who can erase you from existence completely without having even a soul that will realize you’re rotting under the ground somewhere.” Jared’s voice is deep and dangerous and Tony licks his suddenly dried lips nervously.

Jared leans back on the seat and crosses his legs again. “This is a small town, Mr. Holston. You might not be used to having people sticking their noses into your dirty business, but you’re messing with the wrong person here.” Jared doesn’t let his sharp gaze off Tony’s eyes even for a second. “I’m from nowhere around, and I am too used to always getting what I want, one way or another. So all you have to do is answer my question honestly and I’ll make sure we will part with just a friendly handshake.”

Tony is looking at Jared with fear now, and Jared knows that soon this man will even kiss his feet if he orders him to.

“I…” Tony starts talking, stopping for just a moment to clear his throat again. “At first, I had no bad intentions whatsoever. He was looking so lost standing there in front of the bar, and he smelled like a truck stop. I couldn’t help but feel a pity on him. That was all.”

“Uh-huh.” Jared nods, completely doubting it was pity Tony felt for his brother.

“Well,” Tony licks his lips again, which seems like his tic. “I recognized Jensen from old days, when he used to work as one of Marty’s helpers. He was kind of hard to forget, if you get what I mean. I know lots of guys who came to Port Locke every night just so they can leer on his infamous tight ass.” He chuckles, but stops the second he sees Jared’s jaw tensing.

“Anyway, I invited him someplace else to drink because he seemed reluctant to enter Port Locke. It was a rough night, and I just felt like having the company.” He continues, glancing nervously towards Jared’s tightening fists every now and then. “But I swear I didn’t do anything that encouraged him to do it if that’s what you accuse of me. He brought up the topic first, asking me with this blank expression if I knew any way of making big bucks in a short time and all that shit. And when I gave him the offer, just like that, he instantly volunteered himself.”

Jared frowns at that, suddenly feeling bad.

Tony shrugs and continues talking, unaware of Jared’s reaction. “I accepted gladly, of course. I mean, I’ve always wanted to try this line of business for a long time. They say it’s easy and it’s worth big bank. But I was only interested in playing big league, you know. The small one tends to bring more of headache than profit. However, though I had all the connections that I needed to create my own link of customers, I just couldn’t find someone with enough beauty and despair to do it, so I gave it a rest. Until your brother came along and he fits so perfectly for the job.”

“Hold on a second.” Jared stops Tony’s story with a raised hand. He can feel a nausea starting to form at the back of his throat and his intimidating tone is lost when he opens his mouth again. “What kind of _job_ are you talking about here?”

Tony looks at Jared as if he is crazy. “What the hell? I thought you said you know everything about me?”

Jared’s next words come out in a growl. “ _Just_ answer the question, dammit.”

Tony gapes at the horrid look Jared’s giving him. It seems like the young man is ready to jump out and choke him to death any second now. Tony licks his lips again, unconsciously inching back on his seat. “Easy there, man. If you really don’t know, I offered him a job as a high class _hustler_ , of course. What else can it be?”

  
\---00o00---

  
_Before completely realizing what he was doing, Jensen found himself walking out of the Padalecki Residence’s front door, across the front yard and past the big gate on trembling feet. His shoes were pounding on the cemented path and after what seemed like hours, Jensen realized that he had been hundreds of meters away from the house._

_A bit of sense returning into his shocked state of mind had reminded him that he brought no money with him. He still wore the same clothes from before and though he tried to ignore it, he could feel the uncomfortable and disgusting dampness on his lower body._

_He felt dirty, but he knew that no shower or long soak in a tub would make him feel cleaner._

_Tom and Mike’s apartment was the only place that came into his head now. However, no money meant zero possibility to go there by bus as he used to do._

_That was why he decided to hitchhike. Get on and off one car to another, mostly trucks loaded with crap to sell, Jensen finally arrived to the town in where he used to live. It was almost 3 o’clock in the morning, Jensen was sweaty and tired and there were so many things cramming his mind as he was walked halfway towards Mike and Tom’s apartment, only to realize all of a sudden that Mike must had been either in the middle of his night shift by this time, or staying in the hospital where Tom was being treated._

_So here he was, standing in the cold in front of Port Locke, awkwardly putting his hands into the warmth of his pocket, glancing towards people coming in and out of Port Locke from behind the shadow._

_Jensen was too afraid to enter, because he really didn’t know what to say to people he knew inside about the reason for him being here._

_Tom wouldn’t be around to fuss over him for looking like a homeless man in his dirty clothes so Jensen could safely scratch him off his anxiety list._

_Marty would just greet him with his wide smile as usual but Jensen knew he would see some questions in the man’s eyes at the fact that he was here at 3 in the morning looking like hell._

_And Mike --if he was in there-- wouldn’t even say anything but Jensen would know from the way his jaw would tighten that he was this close to slap the words ‘ _I’ve told you so_ ’ onto Jensen’s face._

_They’ve warned him that much anyway. He was just too stubborn to listen. Now that things had developed the way they had, it only proved how right their words were._

_Well, Tom and Mike are his best friends. Jensen knew all the hesitation and doubts he was feeling about them were just unlikely to happen. Assuming the worst was totally unfair and it was actually an insult to the deep friendship they shared._

_Still, if they didn’t, surely someone else would, sooner or later. And Jensen had felt worthless enough about himself without having to bear the look of pity people would definitely give him when they heard the story of his stupidity and failure._

_Not to mention the fact that now he had left Padalecki Residence, there was no way he’d ever be able to give Mike the money he promised for Tom’s operation. And among all of the horrible memories and thoughts and concerns swirling inside his head at the moment; that thought was the one that stood out most._

_Jensen was so tempted to just walk away, find another place where he could hide and lick his deep wounds. But Jensen realized he had nowhere else to go but here. He could always kill himself but that option wouldn’t do any good for the situation Tom and Mike were in. He owed both of his best friends too much to ignore their cry of help._

_Sighing, he closed his eyes and leant his body backwards over the bar’s wall behind him. The shocking experience he just went through with Jared had left him numb. And Jensen had been trying hard to block every single thing popping up in his mind that brought back the memories of last morning, yet as the result his head was pounding like crazy with headache._

_“Hey, got a lighter?” A voice suddenly heard and Jensen opened his eyes._

_A middle aged man was standing before him, giving him a smile that somehow chilled his skin. Jensen narrowed his eyes, because now that he got a better look, he recognized this man._

_Jensen didn’t remember his name, but he used to be one of Port Locke’s most troublesome regulars. And if his memory served him right, this man had been making several shameless passes at him in the past._

_Jensen shook his head as an answer and glanced around the street. It was pretty quiet already and there was just a person or two still wandering on the roadside in front of the bar. Jensen wished for this man to pick up on the sign of ignorance he was giving off, because God knows he had had enough trouble without having to deal with this sort of person._

_The man smiled. “The name’s Tony.” He nodded towards the bar’s door. “Wanna get inside? I could use some company tonight.”_

_Jensen tried to hide his disgusted cringe at that and just stuck to another head shaking instead._

_Tony stared at him for long. “Wanna go to someplace else then? You look tired.” He said and staring at Jensen’s disheveled clothes. “I know this good place with good drink and even better food. You can fill your stomach there, don’t worry, it’ll all be on me. I bet you’re hungry.”_

_Jensen was about to give him another shake, but his stomach chose that particular time to rumble._

_Tony chuckled at that. “See? I’m right, aren’t I? Come on, I won't try anything funny.”_

_Well, Jensen indeed felt hungry, although the image of food didn’t entice him at all, given the messed up emotions churning inside him. However his body was getting weaker and Jensen knew he had to eat something. Staring at the man in front of him, Jensen thought ‘ _oh, what the hell_ ’ and nodded, followed Tony’s excited steps._

_The place where Tony took him was a small café, and that was about it. Jensen was too tired to pay attention to other details. Tony ordered him one full course of meal and a beer for himself._

_The food served, and Jensen ate it with automatic movement, too blank to savor the taste. Meanwhile Tony kept talking about random things that Jensen didn’t even bother to listen._

_He glanced every now and then at the now half drunken man sitting in front of him. Tony’s clothes looked pretty decent, and now that his mind was a bit clear, Jensen remembered that this man was known for doing odd jobs. Illegal shit, they say. And suddenly an idea struck Jensen._

_It was a bad one, Jensen was aware, but it seemed like the only thing that could help Tom right now. So Jensen put down his knife and fork, and wiped his mouth with the napkin placed on the table._

_“Hey.” Jensen spoke in a flat tone and Tony stop talking. “Can you find a job for me that pays a hundred thousand dollars in less than a month?”_

_Tony gapes at that. “Huh?”_

_Jensen repeated his question again, with the same blank gaze and expressionless face, and Tony was just staring at him, perhaps trying to guess whether what he just asked was a joke or not._

_But Jensen was still staring at him with an expressionless face_

_Tony licked his lips, for the hundredth times this night his small eyes were sizing up Jensen’s figure up and down, though it was more of a calculating gaze this time._

_“Actually I can.” Tony said finally, reaching for his glass of beer and gulped it down, eyes fixed on Jensen’s. “But it was something a guy like you usually won’t even consider doing. That’s why I must ask you this: how desperate are you right now?”_

_Jensen’s mind was unconsciously pulled back into last morning, the way Jared’s hand pinned his down, effectively immobilized him both with his strength and his hurtful words. And Jensen couldn’t help but laugh, softly at first before it got uncontrollable and the next thing he knew was Tony frowning at him._

_Jensen wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes. “I’m sorry.” He chuckled. “Let’s just say that I’m desperate enough at the moment, okay?”_

_Tony’s frown was still there when he said, “What I’m talking about here is a job of selling your body for the night to any wealthy man with enough cash to pay the high price I’ll set on you. Are you sure you’re up for that?”_

_Jensen showed no sign of surprise. He had expected this much. A pretty boy like him, when fallen and left with no choice, there was no other way for him but to go lower and end up as a hustler. And sitting there, Jensen was suddenly engulfed by this strange feeling, a horrifying fate._

_His life was no longer meaningful, so if being a fucking male prostitute was the only way that could help Tom get back on his feet, then it all just made sense._

_Now that he thought about it, he really shouldn’t have any problem with this kind of job. He never had any lovers before, but his body had become so familiar to a man’s touch. He almost chuckled again at the irony of that but settled on a bitter smile instead._

_For his entire life, he had always been someone’s slut anyway. What was the big deal if he started charging?_

  
‘And then I wish, _by God_ , I will never have to see your face anymore.’ __

_\--Jared’s words, so full of hatred, were suddenly haunting Jensen’s memories and it gave Jensen a peaceful surrender._

_  
“I’ll do it.” Jensen said calmly. “But you have to keep this a secret."_

  
  
**TBC**   
  
  



	18. Chapter 17 - Part 1

  
Author's notes: A long awaited update with almost 14500words on it.

And now I have to grovel for your apology. T_____________T  
Really, seriously, sorry for being SO LAME in updating. My muse had been going MIA again for almost a month, and I scraped this chapter from what was left off my brain. RL was being suck again too. Threw me over here and there with no chance to sit quietly in front of my computer for even two hours and write.  
I'll take all of it: your dissapointed sighs, your death glares, or even your angry rants. Since I deserve it.

For all of you people who had been so kind and leave me comments and PMing me about this story, I'm deeply thankful. Especially to those who haven't given up on this story. *gives you smooches*  
I hope the ridiculuous length of this cha[ter can at least make up for my lameness. And I wish you'll enjoy this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are totally welcomed and surely loved to death. XD

 

* * *

**Chapter 17 - Part 1**

 

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_  
That don’t bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upset me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok  
But that’s not what gets me 

_What hurts the most_  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin’ to do 

_It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_  
But I’m doin’ It  
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken 

_What hurts the most_  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin’ to do 

_Not seeing that loving you_  
That’s what I was trying to do  
(Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most) 

 

Jared blinks his eyes because it starts to sting so much from all the held back tears.

Leaning his head back over the chair he is sitting on, Jared is staring at the ceiling of the hotel room and can’t help it as his mind wanders to Jensen for the hundredth time just in this past one hour.

What Tony had told him had stripped all the confidence off Jared and thrown him into uncertainty.

Jensen is taking on the worst path of life a man can think about, and Jared realizes that the entire fault lies on him. The bitter reality fills him with doubt and he just doesn’t know anymore what he should do after this.

He had broken the man he loved in the worst possible ways. All he and Jensen wanted was to have each other and be happy. But twisted fate has played its part on them, and all that’s left are these throbbing and constant stabbings of regret and pain inside that have become too much for him to bear.

He wants to see Jensen. He wants to face him and reach over to him and cry and apologize and make him understand that he has realized how big of an asshole he has become.

But now that he understands just how much damage he has caused on Jensen’s life, he doesn’t know how to start. He doesn’t know what lines of words can explain those horrible things he’d done. He doesn’t know if he can reach out a finger to Jensen without fearing that he’ll hurt him again with even a single touch.

And even if he somehow knows how, it won’t suffice at all, he’s aware of it. Jensen will never forgive him. Who can blame him for that?

He can’t imagine what will become of him if Jensen abandons and walks away from him with disgust and hatred pasted all over his face once they meet. He won’t know how to continue to live with that.

Jared feels afraid. Everything seems so dark now. It feels like there’s no getting better, there’s just no way Jared can scramble both of them out of this series of misery and he’s falling deeper and deeper into the pit of his despair.

_This love is killing him. It’s killing them._

Yet Jared knows he can’t give up. Even though his exhausted mind and body refuses to move even a single finger, his heart is screaming for him to just stand up, grab the address Tony had given him a moment before they parted, and go to where Jensen is.

Gritting his teeth, Jared reaches for his cell phone and dials a number. He needs someone to talk to before he drives himself crazy.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

”… What?!”

“You heard me, Jeff. Please don’t make me repeat it.”

“…”

“He’s broken… and desperate. His friends relied on him for life and he must have thought that there was just no other way.”

“…I get that. But…, to actually stoop that low… fuck…, it’s not like him at all, Jay. I know I’ve only known him for a couple of months, but Jensen is a man with pride. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“I’m the one at fault…. I can’t even imagine how worthless he must have felt after I… after I said and did all those cruel and horrible things to him.”

“… Shit. How did things go this way?”

“I guess it’s all because you have an idiotic bastard like me for a best friend.”

“... No use drowning yourself in guilt now, you know that.”

“…Yeah, I know. It’s just that… I really want to see him...”

“Then what’s stopping you? You must go to him and do something, anything to make him stop what he’s been doing.”

“… I don’t know how to…. Fuck, Jeff, I just don’t know anymore…”

“Beg. Cry. Put some sense into him. Just do something. As ironic as it may sound, I believe you’re the only one who can do that right now.”

“What if he turns his back on me and walks away again? And what if this time it’ll be for good? What if he doesn’t want to see me again? I won’t be able to take it if he chooses to disappear from my life one more time.”

“Then don’t let him go. Hold on to him no matter what happens. You’ve never done that before, right? And will you stop being so weak, Jay? Even as your best friend, to hear you being this indecisive disgust me to no end. You’ve broken him and now the least you can do is helping him to pick up the pieces. Ignore all the hurt you’re feeling and just focus on making things right for him. You owe him that much.”

“… That… was harsh.”

“I simply told you the truth.”

“Yeah, I know you did. That’s why I’m calling you. I know I can always count on you to keep me sane.”

“Good. Now get a grip, use your brain and start working out plans. Make sure they’re brilliant ones.”

“…. Thank you, Jeff.”

“… Tell me that when you’re done dragging Jensen’s ass back into the light.”

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jensen’s wincing all the way as he climbs up the narrow stair leading to his apartment.

His client tonight is one sadistic bastard. He almost declined when the offer came, but he’s one of the regulars and being a manager in one of the biggest company in town, he always pays more than enough. Jensen figured it’d only be one of his usual bondage sessions, probably a gag on his mouth if the client felt like it, and Jensen would have left the hotel room after with pockets full of money and just a few bruises on his wrists and back.

But apparently he was wrong.

The client was apparently in a foul mood. Rough day at work, Jensen guessed. And the session went way worse than what he had imagined. The bastard had had his preparation too, with all the weird sex toys he unpacked with eerie ease from his suitcase. And it turned out to be bad luck for Jensen because he was lying there helplessly, tied on bed posts, and served as his catalyst.

Between his screaming and writhing, Jensen had lost count on how many times he had shouted the safe word. But that sick fuck was really on the rage and simply acted like he didn’t hear it. Halfway through it, Jensen’s throat was already sore. All his struggling had made his body weak and he felt so tired that in the end he’d just laid there, fought to not lose what was left of his consciousness as he let the man do whatever he wanted to do to him.

And here he is almost one hour later. His pockets are stuffed with money alright, but Jensen is sure that a couple of days later will be a pain in the ass to live, literally.

This fucked up job is just getting peachier each day. Perhaps it is time for him to stop for real. He has been having this thought for a long time. Tom must have gotten back on his feet for weeks now. Jensen called the hospital and they said the doctor had released him after a success surgery. So there's absolutely no point for him to do this anymore.

But the fact is he’s still doing it and Jensen understands only vaguely just why.

He had tried before: turning down all offers and staying home almost every night instead, watching bad TV he had never gotten a chance to see while stuffing his mouth with all those junk foods he had kept for months in the fridge. But the routine grew old quickly.

Soon he could no longer bear the loneliness and the fact that it was only his own voice echoing all over his empty apartment. So he started going out. At first, he didn’t have any intention whatsoever to make friends or get involved with someone on his way. Just wanting to lose himself as he swayed his hips along to the booming music blaring on some random club’s dance floor. But the emptiness was still there, and at those times he couldn’t help it when his mind wandered through those memories he had been trying so hard to forget.

He couldn’t help but remembering about Jared.

And each time, it hurt. It hurt so bad that he thought he was dying. It was like he was walking around without a soul intact. It made him scared. It made him longing to feel alive again.

That was when he finally allowed a man to touch him one night.

It was just one touch, but he was done for. He found himself craving for more. _More_ touches, _more_ caresses, _more_ fake loving whispers in his ear --anything to keep him sane. He needed those so he could stop feeling so worthless, so he could look at his shadow inside the mirror the next morning without wanting to throw up.

And the next thing he knew he was back on the same path.

But what had happened tonight has made Jensen realize that it’ll be far too dangerous for him if he continues being this way. He is a piece of a broken rag doll nobody wants, but still he doesn’t want to end up lying naked on piles of garbage somewhere, pretty much dead with sexual crime written as his cause of death on his record.

Thanks to his generous clients, Jensen has saved enough money to live decently until he’s 70, though he can’t imagine he’ll live that long. Jensen always assumed he might be dead in his 40s caused by depression-induced heart cancer or whatever.

With all that money, he can move out. He will buy a little farm in a town where nobody knows him and stay there, investing some of his money or raising some cattle, live to his heart content for the rest of his life. He won’t need anybody, though the thought of adopting a dog for a companion is quite tempting.

Jensen has never done travelling before. Probably he should try to do it later. Or he can just register himself in some social acts, as long as he won’t have to interact with anybody personally. He will find flings to fuck here and there, for sure. It won’t be too often though, maybe only once or twice a week, just enough doses to keep him hovering on the edge of sanity.

It’ll be a perfect fucked up life. But at least it won’t be one that’s life-threatening.

Jensen’s line of thought is stopped as he reaches his floor. Groaning, he walks stumblingly along the hall until he stands in front of his door. He feels feverish already and his head is spinning. It takes him a full minute to fumble with the key but finally the door is clicked open. Stepping inside, instinctively he reaches over the side wall and flicks the lamp switch on. His eyes sweep over the room, and that’s when he freezes.

Right there in the middle of the room someone is standing silently, his deep gaze is on Jensen.

“…Jared?” Shocked, the name comes out of Jensen’s lips in a whisper. He gapes, unconsciously taking a few steps back until his back bumps on the now closed door, hand grips the front of his shirt defensively.

Jared smiles, voice is a bit hoarse as he says, “Hey, Jensen.”

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Right after Jensen finished his first job, Jensen asked Tony to find him an apartment to live in. He had been living for almost a week at Tony’s and he just had had it. He needed to find a place of his own where he won’t need to carry a knife with him every night he went to sleep for fear of Tony’s drunken attack. It’d be a plus if it’s a place that doesn’t have reeks of alcohol and sweat plastered on it’s every surface. And it has to be located in a secluded area, somewhere in this city that is difficult to find.

Jensen knew sooner or later Mike and Tom would find out that he had left the Padalecki’s residence. They would definitely try to search for him and Jensen really doesn’t want to be found.

For all he knows, his life is a curse and both of his best friends would be better off without him. Besides, Mike and Tom would never forgive him if they knew where the money he sent to pay Tom’s operation bill came from. And he doesn’t think he can take it if they hate him too because of that. He has felt worthless enough as it is without having to face the possibility that more important people in his life would think of him as disgusting and leaving him.

That was why Jensen decided to hide. And Tony’s place is far too conspicuous for that purpose.

Tony was bitching non stop as he searched all over the town for an apartment that would fit Jensen’s specific request. But in the end he found it: a bit run down apartment complex located far from city center, almost at the town border. It isn’t even on the map when Jensen checked on it and he had instantly moved in there without any hesitation.

Ever since, Jensen had tried his best to lay low and covered all his tracks so Mike and Tom will never know that he actually still lives in the same city as them.

But never once had Jensen thought that Jared would try to find him too. He never even imagined that Jared would ever show up one day in front of him.

After all, Jensen can never forget that Jared’s last words to him were a clear and painful statement saying he never wants to see Jensen again for the rest of his life.

_So what the hell is he doing in here now?_

Jensen is about to ask Jared on how he found him and more importantly how in the world could he break into Jensen’s apartment without permission. But in the end he doesn’t do it. Jared is smart after all, not too mention having a lot of connections and too much money in his hands. If he wants to find Jensen then he will surely find one way or another to do so.

Jensen isn’t surprised at all at the way his heart has been stinging since the first second he saw Jared. Even until this moment, Jensen fully realizes that he still loves him. But no matter how many months has passed what Jared had done and said to him are still fresh in his memories. It has left a scar inside him that won’t heal even when he has tried and Jared being here is like a continuous picking on the hurting scab. Jensen knows that this man is more than able to hurt him again, easily inflicting pain --even worse than he did before-- without even flexing a finger.

Suddenly Jensen feels so scared at the fact that Jared is here in the same room and he stays still, staring at the older man who also doesn’t move from where he’s standing.

“What are you doing here?” Jensen says the only thing he can coax out to say right now, trying to control his voice from trembling.

Jared looks nervous all of a sudden at the question. It is weird for Jensen to see him like that. Jared is always full of confidence, no matter what happens. In addition, Jensen is just too used to Jared being ignorant and cold whenever he was around that Jared’s attitude at the moment confuses him a little.

Jensen’s fear is lessening at that unfamiliar sight and he puts down his hands.

“I…“ Jared starts, his hands are fisting on both his sides. “… How are you?”

Jensen frowns at Jared’s stumbling words. Somehow, the way Jared’s looking obviously uncomfortable gives Jensen strength and makes him feels braver and braver.

“I’m… fine.” Jensen answers automatically and the next second he really wants to laugh for the absurdness of this situation. After everything that had happened, here they are, actually making a normal conversation.

Except for the fact that there is absolutely nothing normal in this and Jensen’s stomach is coiling from nervousness. The headache that has been attacking him since earlier is suddenly doubled and now Jensen feels nauseous.

Dragging his feet, Jensen walks towards the kitchen and pours a glass of water for himself. As he gulps it down, he can see that Jared has followed him.

Jensen puts down the glass with a loud _clink_ sound echoing over the quiet apartment and sighs as he turns over to face Jared. His head is throbbing and Jensen lifts one of his hands to massage his forehead.

“What do you want?” Jensen asks, forces himself to look straight into Jared’s eyes.

Jared doesn’t answer right away. He’s just standing there across the counter, unidentified emotions flashing in his eyes as he keeps staring at Jensen.

For some reason, Jared’s silence pisses Jensen off. Jared is obviously observing him, watching at the way Jensen is flushed and restless and he looks like he’s slowly realizing that he’s the one who causes it. What makes Jensen’s anger get even worse is the fact that in this kind of situation, it automatically puts himself in the weaker position. Jared must be aware now that he still has a strong influence over Jensen. It’s unavoidable because Jensen had told him about his feelings the last time they met. He had said it loud and clear and it surely makes Jensen fragile in front of Jared.

But isn't Jared the one who wanted Jensen gone? To walk out of his life for good? And for God sakes, that’s exactly what Jensen is doing now. So how dare he show up here and turn his peaceful world upside down.

It is fucking _unfair_. Jensen feels cheated and still Jared hasn’t given him a good reason for his sudden intrusion.

Jensen is about to tell Jared off when Jared finally speaks gently.

“I’m here to take you home.”

That sentence coming out of Jared’s mouth makes Jensen’s heart jolts and his eyes smarten.

“I don’t have a home.” Jensen says hoarsely, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

“You do, Jensen. You always do.” Jared’s voice and eyes are unusually tender as he’s looking at him and Jensen wonders if that is just his imagination.

“… Since when?” Jensen whispers, eyes are already blurring with tears now.

Jared takes a few careful steps forward, approaching Jensen. “I understand everything now. I’m sorry it took so long. But you must know that I don’t hate you anymore.”

Jensen stops breathing. _It must be an illusion_.

For years he was suffering, haunted by fear and longing and unbearable loneliness. For years he has tried to do almost everything to return Jared’s kindness to him.

And now that it is happening, Jensen finds himself unable to accept --nor believe-- this sudden change. His aching head is thrumming painfully. Gripping the side of the counter, Jensen’s next word comes out in growl. “ _Get out_.”

Jensen doesn’t miss the surprised expression on Jared’s face at that and it makes Jensen’s blood boil. His lips are then quirked into a cynical smile.

“Why did you change your mind?” Jensen says. “Didn’t you think I’m the one who caused the death of your father?”

Jared grits his teeth. “No, you’re not. We both know it’s not true.”

Jensen snorts. “What’s this? Suddenly taking back all your words…” Jensen laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “Do you expect me to just believe in everything you say? What did you say about me last time? I remember you were saying something about me being a pathetic slut who would do anything to fill this emptiness inside me. Do you really want to have such a person roaming around your precious house once again? Or is it that you haven’t had enough of my filthy body? After all, you seemed to enjoy it so much when you were raping me…” Jensen’s breath is racing because of all the emotions twisting inside him as he’s saying those words. He’s really on the brink of tears now and he bites his lip hard to stop them from falling. He’ll be damned if he shows his weak side to Jared right now.

Jared suddenly takes another step forward. “ _God_ , Jensen. Stop it… please…” His face is scrunched in agony. “I’m sorry…. I’m really sorry for all the things I’ve said and done. But now I’ve learned the truth. Now I know that you’re actually just a victim of my father’s sick doing. I know that you were always suffering for all this time and you took it all without saying anything to me because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I also know the reason you left the house three years ago must be because everything had become too hard for you to bear. I know now. And I realize it’s been far too late and our relationship has been too far gone to be repaired but I really hope you can forgive me. I really hope you can come back with me. I want us to be together again. Just like old times… ” Jared begs in a hopeful voice.

Those are words that Jensen has been waiting for so long to hear. Words that he would’ve accepted with joy if only Jared believed him the first time he told the truth. But the fact was Jared threw all of it back in Jensen’s face, and even punished him cruelly for saying it, successfully making Jensen feel like the lowest person on earth.

It causes a fiery heat of anger to spread through Jensen’s veins and his voice is shaking as he questions Jared, “How did you know?”

Jared looks down, staring at his own tightened fist. “Jeff gave me the copy of my father’s letter written for you. And it’s all in there. I couldn’t believe it at first. Just like how I stupidly doubted you, I kept denying the solid truth even when I was reading it word by word. But in the end, I couldn’t avoid it anymore. It is my father’s handwriting. There’s no doubt about it. And that was when I realized just how much I’ve hurt you.” Jared’s voice is hoarse and he shakes his head. “Listen, Jensen. You don’t know how much I’ve been regretting myself after you were gone and I almost went crazy looking for you. I know I will never…”

“You will never what?” Jensen cuts Jared’s words sharply. “You couldn’t stand to hear the truth from me but then Jeff gave you a fucking piece of letter written by your bastard of a father and suddenly you know about everything? You believe all of it?” Jensen’s tone is getting higher and higher. “And now you expect all to be well. ‘ _All is forgiven so let’s be friends_ ’, is that it?” He shakes his head and looks away from Jared.

Jensen’s words that are filled with anger apparently set off something inside Jared. The older man shuts his eye closed, and he can’t help but feel pained at seeing the way Jensen’s whole body is trembling.

Jensen can see tears glistening in Jared's eyes when he opened them again,. Yet somehow the sight makes Jensen even more upset and he laughs bitterly. “I appreciate your apology, Jared. But no, thank you. Next time there might be no letter left by someone whenever my words are doubted once again.” Jensen grits his teeth hard, suddenly grimacing at the worsening throbbing in his head and for a moment he presses his palm to it, frustrated.

Jensen is way more than just pissed off right now. He’s very furious, there’s just so much pain inside him that he can no longer stay calm and keep his emotions checked.

“Jensen, are you alright?” Jared seems like he’s worried at Jensen’s paling face. And he’s been noticing that the younger man seems to be so much in pain each time he moves. Jared takes other steps forward. But Jensen quickly raises his hand to stop him, giving him silent warning through his glare.

“There’s no sane person who wants to live in a place where its people are so quick to judge.” Jensen hisses, shaking his head. “And then, just because of a single note left by a dead person, their attitudes change completely all of a sudden.” Jensen’s eyes are fiery and his whole body is trembling out of control. “What will happen after our next misunderstanding? Or what if another important person of yours dies? If you think I’m the one who causes it, will your attitude towards me change again?”

Anger and years of heartaches create a new emotion inside of Jensen. His eyes are smarting but he keeps holding back the tears because he’d rather die than mourn over his disappointment at Jared’s sudden change of opinion. He can’t hide the sadness in his voice as he mutters in a hoarse voice, “You know what, Jared? In all those years of my suffering… you were _the worst_.”

And right after Jensen said that, all of a sudden his head is throbbing again. It’s so much more painful this time that he feels extremely nauseous. In a matter of seconds, his world turns black and he can faintly hear Jared shouting his name as he falls on to the ground.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

“How is he?” Jared says, impatiently inching forward to the end of his seat.

In front of him is Dr. Jennings. He’s still young, probably the same age as Jared, but it seems he has good capabilities in working his job. But to tell the truth Jared is a little uncomfortable with the way the doctor has been giving him a sharp stare, right from the very first time Jared entered his office.

“Mr. Padalecki, you told me that you are the patient’s stepbrother?” Dr. Jennings asks, voice is light, but Jared can tell that there is awareness in it.

“Yes, I am. … Is there a problem, doctor?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just curious because it says Jensen Ross _Ackles_ on your brother’s ID. Different last name, so I’m just wondering, you know.”

“Ah… yes. It’s… a long story.” Jared says, scratching his head.

The doctor looks at Jared for a long time before he finally speaks again. “Okay, then. Well, before I tell you about your brother’s condition, I need to ask you a question, Mr. Padalecki. And I want you to answer honestly because it’ll be important in determining the best treatment for your brother.”

“… Sure. What is it?”

“Before you brought him here… did you notice something strange about your brother?”

Seeing Jared’s darkened face, Dr. Jennings continues quickly. ”Um, okay. I’ll make it short and to the point. Your brother is not heavily injured, though I’m not saying that his wounds aren’t serious either. There’s a big possibility that you brother was raped, or was sexually violated before. When I was examining him, I found some bruises on his arms. Probably from being tied up too tightly. And there are some on his back and stomach too. One looks like a lashes wound, and most of the others are red marks caused by over heated skin. There might have been a wax play inflicted on him. But the worst injury your brother is having is the _anal fissure_ I found on the inside of his anus…”

“Anal fis… what?” Jared cuts in, his forehead crinkling in a frown.

“It’s an unnatural crack or tear in the skin of the anal canal.” Dr. Jennings explains. “He has several of them, but none are too deep. So I’m sure with the right meds and ointment, it can be healed in a couple of weeks. Since his body is feverish and he fainted, I’m guessing initial symptoms of infection are already occurring. I’ve treated it, but another one could set in otherwise, so right now I’m trying my best to monitor him, keeping the tears clean and using special ointment to reduce the bad effect.” Dr. Jennings stops for a second, fixing his eyeglasses’ position. “You see, wounds like these can be caused by several things. But I also found traces of semen on his underwear. I didn’t find any inside him though, which is a good thing because it means he had protected sex and there’ll be minimum possibilities for him to catch an STD. Still, considering that, I’m more than certain that the tearing is caused by forced anal intrusion by the penis. It could be just usual S&M sessions, but to be safe, I’m concluding that your brother is showing very strong indications for sexual violations or rape inflicted on him. And that’s why I’m asking you if you know whether his current partner has sadistic tendency.”

Jared gapes. He has pretty much guessed it ever since he rushed to the unconscious Jensen and saw specks of blood on the behind of his pants. It’s easy to assume that one of Jensen’s clients was responsible for it. But still, to hear such things coming out of the doctor’s mouth: it gives him quite a shock.

And now things are getting more complicated. The doctor doesn’t say it outloud, but Jared knows that he is suspecting Jared as the perpetrator. Jared is pretty sure that it is the reason why the doctor seemed to not believe him when he said Jensen is his stepbrother.

It’s not like Jared cares much about the young doctor’s silent accusation, but Jared is sure that now it has become like this; sooner or later Jensen will get into trouble with the police. When Jared called Jeff in panic a few hours ago to break this news, Jeff had the same guess as his on what had happened to Jensen. And he warned him to take care of this matter carefully because a case such as this is sensitive and it’s an obligation for all doctors to report it to the authority if they encounter it.

Hustler is after all an illegal profession in this country.

But for now Jared can’t think of anything to do to prevent it. He feels that he absolutely has no right to inform the doctor about the fact that Jensen is selling his body for living. Even if he takes this matter into his own hands, telling the doctor the truth can make things worse.

Jared realizes that Dr. Jennings is still looking at him, expecting an answer.

“Um, actually I don’t know much about his relationships with other people, doctor. We haven’t been that close recently. So I don’t think I can answer your question.” Jared says, choosing his words carefully. “All I can tell you is that I waited for him to come home in his apartment and then he showed up and we were talking about some things. I noticed he didn’t look well. His face is pale and he kept cringing like he was in pain. And all of a sudden he fainted. So I rushed to check on him, and that’s when I saw specks of blood on his pants.”

Dr. Jennings’ gaze is penetrating, searching for hints of lies. But Jared always finds it easy to keep his face expressionless. Sighing, the doctor lays back, seeming to give up. But he hasn’t let go yet, Jared knows. He’s just retreating for a while.

“So you’ve already known about this?” The doctor asks.

“I’ve had rough guesses, but yes. I think I have.” Jared says calmly.

“As his brother, you don’t seem agitated.”

Jared’s jaw tightened at hearing that. “Oh, trust me doctor, _I am_. But right now I’m as clueless as you are about who did this to him. So it’s best to stay calm, don’t you think?” Jared pastes his best fake smile on his face.

The doctor looks at him for a long time before nodding slowly. “That’s right.” And then he gives Jared the exact same fake smile in return.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jared stands beside the hospital bed, staring down sadly at Jensen and watching as he’s frowning, possibly in pain even in his state of unconsciousness. Strong desires to touch him or maybe talk to him make Jared grip the bed rail tightly, gritting his teeth.

Earlier, when he saw Jensen’s reaction right after he recognized that it was Jared standing in his apartment, most of Jared’s doubt suddenly disappeared. It was replaced by a relieved feeling because inside Jensen’s green eyes and in his body language, Jared could still see it clearly:

_Jensen is obviously still pretty much in love with him._

That assumption had made Jared so happy that he lost his rational mind. Jensen is the only one who can turn him into this kind of impulsive idiot after all, and he was rushed into acting arrogantly, thinking he could apologize, tell Jensen that he already knows about everything and then they could solve their problems, just like that.

But apparently what Jared had done to Jensen had been hard on him, too hard, and he couldn’t blame Jensen’s bursting of rage towards him. He had been hurting him too deeply, making him suffer for so long that it won’t be forgotten easily.

Aside from his lashed out anger, Jensen was also having an emotional breakdown. Jared could see it, but he also saw the fear in Jensen’s burning eyes. Jensen was terrified at this change in Jared’s attitude towards him.

Jared was more than able to understand it. Now after things are changing for the better, Jensen is afraid that someday Jared will turn his back again on him easily.

Will Jensen be able to forgive him someday? If only Jeff didn’t give him that letter, probably Jared still wouldn’t be able to forgive Jensen. But his eyes are opened now.

And after seeing for real how lonely and broken-hearted Jensen is for thinking that he isn’t and will never be loved by the people around him --including Jared-- Jared is determined that this thing he’s doing won’t be as simple as making Jensen forgive him for what he has done. This will have to be about him fixing this situation, returning what’s been lost from Jensen’s life, and hoping all along the way that he will be able to give Jensen the things he never had before. Considering Jensen’s reaction when Jared mentioned about taking him home, Jared knows it won’t be an easy thing to do. But thanks to the situation they’re facing now, Jared has come up with a plan. And he really hopes it’ll be good enough.

After hesitating many times, Jared reaches out a hand to touch Jensen’s hair. Relishing in the softness of those strands between his fingers, Jared’s hand moves to caress Jensen’s forehead carefully. Slow movements of Jensen’s head and eyelids stop Jared for a moment. He takes a relieved sigh when Jensen gives no more reaction as he’s caressing him again for the second time.

“Get well soon, Jensen.” Jared whispers hoarsely. “Get well soon, so then I can show you how sorry I am and just how much I love you.”

Jared stays for a long time in the room until finally the nurse asks him to leave.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 


	19. Chapter 17 - Part 2

  
Author's notes:

Continuation of part 1

 

 

* * *

**Chapter 17 - Part 2**

 

 

A voice brings Jensen into consciousness. He opens his eyes carefully, wincing at the sudden bright light that makes his eyes hurt. A tall shadow at the side of the bed comes into his blurry view and he blinks his eyes rapidly, trying to focus his eyesight.

“You’re awake?” That careful question sounds hoarse, and Jensen instantly recognizes Jared’s voice. His entire body reflexively filled with happiness until his memories turn that feeling off in an instant, makes his body tense.

Being able to see much more clearly now, Jensen notices Jared sitting beside his bed with a worried expression on his face. There is also a young man in a white coat at the other side of his bed --supposedly a doctor-- who is watching his reactions carefully.

“Where am I…?” Jensen’s question comes out in a whisper.

“You’re in East General Hospital, Mr. Ackles. You fainted and your stepbrother brought you here. I’m your doctor in charge, Dr. Jennings.” The young doctor answers him with a warm smile. “Can you describe how you’re feeling right now?”

Jensen licks his dry lips. “… I think I have a slight headache. And it’s a bit painful to move. But it’s my… behind that hurts a lot.” Jensen says, blushing a bit.

Dr. Jennings nods grimly. Jensen is too flustered to look at Jared.

“It’s a normal reaction, Mr. Ackles. Perhaps you’ve already realized about this condition you are in but you have some bruises on your body. And you also have tears on the inner wall of your anus, which I’m treating intensively right now.” The doctor stares at Jensen seriously. “That being said, all of your wounds show indications of sexual violence. I also found traces of sperm mixed in with your blood on your pants. So I’m really sorry, but I really have to ask you this: is there any chance that you were raped by someone?”

Jensen’s heart skips a beat. “What? No.” Jensen responds, far too quickly, and he almost bites his tongue.

“What about your current partner or lover? Does he have some sexual sadistic tendencies? I mean, did you engaged in a sexual intercourse with your partner that used unusual and rough methods?”

Under the doctor’s sharp gaze, Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t have a lover.” Jensen answers weakly. He tries to sound casual as his mind’s reeling, trying to come up with a lie to avoid more suspicions from the doctor. Working in this profession for almost two months, he has never been put in this kind of situation before. Usually he wasn’t injured this badly and he was used to treat his wounds by himself.

Jensen silently curses Jared’s decision to bring him here in the first place.

“I see.” Dr. Jennings nods, and then gives Jared a sharp glare. “Mr. Ackles, your stepbrother told me that you fainted just like that with blood all over the backside of your pants while you both were having a conversation. Is that what really happened?”

Jensen glances at the now frowning Jared, and then back to the doctor, nodding. “Yes. I think that was what happened.”

Dr. Jennings nods before turning his gaze to Jared. “Mr. Padalecki, can you tell me what kind of conversation did you have with your stepbrother?”

Jared raises his eyebrows, annoyed because he knows what the doctor is up to with these questions. He is _confirming_ his earlier suspicion on Jared.

“… It’s actually a personal matter, doctor, but if you really have to know, in general it’s just a typical conversation.” Jared says with teeth clinched tightly.

Dr. Jennings still hasn’t stopped staring sharply at Jared. “Are you sure it wasn’t some kind of a fight? An argument between the two of you about something, perhaps?”

Jensen’s eyes widened at that. “Whoa, whoa. Doctor, I think you’re trying to accuse my step brother here as the one who caused my injuries. Are you serious?”

Dr. Jennings calmly turned his gaze back at Jensen. “Look, Mr. Ackles. Law clearly states that whenever I treat a patient with a condition like yours, I am supposed to call the police for further investigation. But before I do that, I need to get a statement from you as the victim. I know it might sound crazy to you, but right now I have no choice but suspecting Mr. Padalecki here as the perpetrator because he was the only one around when you passed out.”

Jensen gulps down; not being able to deny the logics the doctor is giving him.

“I can assure you that police will surely have the same opinion as mine. So if you don’t want to involve your step brother in a more serious problem, I suggest you to tell me the truth, Mr. Ackles.” The doctor then folds his hands over his chest, waiting.

“Hold on, doctor.” Jared says, looking a bit angry. “You can’t force him to do this. I’m no lawyer but if this is going to be a case, I know my step brother has no obligation to say anything to you until his lawyer is here.”

Dr. Jennings glares, seeming to be annoyed at Jared’s intrusion. “Yes, I’m aware of that. But you can’t stop me from persuading my own patient to reveal the identity of the person who has done such horrible things to him. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m just being concerned and trying to help Mr. Ackles here.”

Jared is about to argue with that when suddenly Jensen cuts in.

“It was my client who did this.” Jensen says calmly but his voice is loud enough to catch the other two guys’ attention.

Both Jared and Dr. Jennings turn their heads towards Jensen, staring at him with widened eyes. Jensen sighs at their reaction.

“I’m a hustler.” Jensen speaks again; his gaze fixed on Dr. Jennings this time. “Last night one of my regular clients was being too rough on me and that’s the reason why I’m having these kinds of injuries now.”

Jensen is hoping that this information he’s breaking to the doctor can make the doctor feel shocked enough and leave him alone even for just a while. Being a doctor in this young age, Dr. Jennings looks like one of those people who grew up in respectable family, spent his youth by studying diligently, and hangs out only with elite society. He might never have even cursed for once in his lifetime. For Jensen to casually tell him that he’s a whore who’s willing to fuck anyone as long as the price is right, must be something terrifying to hear for the young doctor. It’s playing dirty, yet Jensen can’t see any other way to stop this from turning into bigger problem.

But unexpectedly, Dr. Jennings is just staring at him with expression as if he finally understands the real situation he has on his hand. “A client, is it?” Dr. Jennings asks Jensen. “So you’re a hustler?”

Jared, with eyes fixed on Jensen, and just says nothing on the other side.

“Yeah,” Jensen shrugs. “You can say I had bad luck last night. But he paid me so well. That’s why I can’t see why this should be a problem, doctor.”

“I see.” Dr. Jennings nods, his forehead is frowning. He seems to be concerned about something. Then the doctor clears his throat. “Alright then, I guess that explains a lot about your wounds. However, this new information makes me have to rethink the whole situation and considering what I’ll do about you, Mr. Ackles.” He smiles politely.

Jared suddenly realizes that this is a perfect situation to start to work on his plan, so quickly he says, “Dr. Jennings, can I have a word with you outside?”

Both Dr. Jennings and Jensen look surprised at that. But the young doctor finally nods and starts to walk towards the door with Jared on his tail, leaving Jensen alone to stare on their back with a suspicious gaze.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jared enters the room again after half an hour, finding Jensen lying there on his bed with his eyes closed. Jensen opens them at the sound of the door clicking closed and his green eyes instantly find Jared. For a second, he considers to ask Jared about what he was talking about with that doctor out there, but he refrains himself from doing it. He doesn’t want to make Jared have the wrong impression that he _cares_.

For a moment, none of them speak. The silence is broken by Jared telling Jensen that Dr. Jennings had decided to postpone his intention to bring this matter to the police. Jared had convinced him that doing it would only cause trouble for Jensen so the doctor said he understood and promised to take this matter into further consideration.

Hearing that, Jensen can’t help but bursting into laughter. He laughs so hard that even Jared’s questioning stare on him can’t make him stop.

“Sorry, I can’t help it.” Jensen says after a while between his chuckles. “It’s just so funny to see him get all worked up to defend me and then just walked away and do nothing after knowing that I’m just a whore.” His hands are lifted to wipe those teary eyes caused by the laughter. “ _Feeling concern about me_ , he said?”

Jared turns his gaze away; unable to bear witness to Jensen’s forced smile after he says that. “I think he really is concerned about you.” Jared mutters under his breath, trying to offer some consolation.

Jensen chooses to say nothing to that. “You’re still here.” He says with a flat tone.

Jared’s eyes are back on Jensen, looking determined. “We still need to talk.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve said all I’ve got to say, Jared. We’re done.” Jensen replies calmly. He reaches to the bed side, looking for the button to leverage the head of the bed.

Jared waits until Jensen finishes raising the head of the bed and moving his body into a sitting position.

“I’ve known for a while about this… _job_ you’re doing now, Jensen.” Jared starts to speak again.

Jensen looks indifferent at hearing it. “Yeah, I figured you have.”

“And I also know why you decided to do it. Mike told me about Tom.” Jared watches Jensen carefully, wanting to know Jensen’s reaction at the mention of his best friends’ name.

But Jensen just lifts his chin up, looking defiant as he says, “Okay. So?”

Jared starts to feel frustrated. To tell the truth, he doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’s trying to pull out of the younger man, but it’s definitely not this cold and ignorant face Jensen’s putting on. Hell, he’d even be glad to put up with Jensen’s rage once again. At least letting Jensen lash his anger on him won’t make him feel so much at a loss like this.

“Look, Jensen. I can’t say I understand fully on why you’re doing it, but I know that I am also part of the reason. I lost my mind back then and I did things to you that must have left such a horrible impact…. For that I’m really sorry.”

Jensen glares at Jared’s hunched form, suddenly feeling so angry all over again. “Don’t put too much credit on yourself, Jared.” He hisses. “You absolutely have nothing to do with what I’ve done in my life.”

Jensen’s gaze on Jared is burning, but Jared doesn’t budge. “I still remembered Jensen. The last time we met, didn’t you say that you love me?”

His words cause Jensen to gape. “… What?”

“You said you love me...” Jared repeats in a softer tone, almost nostalgic. “You told me you had been feeling that way for a long time.”

Jensen thinks that Jared should really be thankful that he can’t exactly move freely with these injuries because if he can, then he’d be off the bed in an instant and choking Jared’s throat.

_How dare he?! How dare him to bring back those painful memories in front of me! He was the one who treated me like shit, even after I said that I love him. And now he’s slapping those words back on my face and expecting me to forget about everything?_

Jensen grits his teeth hard, trying to control the flow of anger that’s heating his blood. He clutches the side of the bed tightly. “Yes, I _did_.” Jensen replies with tone cold as ice. “But if you think I still do, even after all this time, then you must be crazy.”

It’s a pathetic lie. But to have that lie just rolled out so swiftly off his tongue; Jensen assumes there’s only his fury to be blamed.

Jared stares at him. “You’re lying.”

He looks so damn sure that it makes Jensen really want to throw something at him. His confidence really gets on Jensen’s nerves. But instead he rolls his eyes, trying to act bored. “Do I really have to respond to that?”

And the silence is back inside the room. Jensen busies himself by fiddling over his blanket, feeling nervous because Jared is still looking at him like _that_.

“Fine.” Jared speaks after a while. He moves to the end of the bed, bending his body forward and dips both his palms onto the soft mattress, facing the sitting Jensen. “Then you’ll just have to be prepared because from this moment on, I’m fully intending to make you fall in love with me all over again, one way or another.”

“What do you mean?” Jensen’s eyes are narrowed and he ignores the fact that his heart skips a beat at Jared’s words.

Jared fists his palms, getting them tangled in the sheet. His expression turns into one that Jensen has never seen before. And somehow, Jared looking like that with his eyes fixed on him makes Jensen’s heart beat even faster. Unconsciously, Jensen presses one of his hands over his left chest, hoping to calm it down.

“Listen, Jensen.” Jared says softly, his voice is wavering a little. “You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt about this moment. So please look at me in the eyes when I’m telling you that I love you.” Jared’s eyes are glistening beneath the light of the lamp. “ _I love you_. I’ve been falling for you for too long that I’ve forgotten how it felt to wake up one morning and not be thinking about you. But what I’m feeling for you has been carved too deeply inside my heart. It’s not only temporary, and is never just a lust. I’ve always loved you, and now I know I can never stop feeling this way. Not even if I was crazy enough for wanting to do so.”

Jared can see how Jensen freezes at his words, looking too shocked to even show a single reaction. But Jared doesn’t turn his gaze away though his whole body has become so stiff.

_Waiting. Expecting. Fearing._

Jared isn’t even sure what exactly he’s feeling right now. Every emotion is getting mixed up, and he’s just so nervous that he can feel his stomach coiling.

The silence lasts much longer this time, leaving both men with nothing else to do but dealing with their own emotions. It’s _suffocating_.

And Jensen decides he has had enough of this.

“I don’t know what the hell it is you’re up to right now, Jared. But making jokes like this is just too cruel.” Jensen says, voice shaking with mixed anger and sadness. His head is hung low, eyes staring down at the sheet and the tears are back, blurring his view. He shuts his eyes tightly for a few seconds to stop them from falling.

What Jared has just said is the one thing Jensen has always been dying to hear from the older man. The words make him fine it difficult to suppress the desire to hear it more and more. And without mercy, it fills his heart with hopes.

But Jensen knows better than to let himself crave for love all over again. He will never expect anymore happiness even for once. For almost 22 years he has been living with these feelings of longing and hoping for love, but he has become too tired in experiencing failure after failure in his life. He has sworn to himself to never waste his time again for those kinds of things, ever.

Jensen grits his teeth, trying to bear all these pain in his heart. As he looks up, he knows fully how fragile he must have been looked in Jared’s point of view. But Jensen doesn’t care.

Right now, Jared is playing a sick game for some fucked up reasons that he doesn’t even want to know. And he has no other choice than to play along.

“Let’s just pretend that I believe what you’ve just said,” Jensen’s smile is stretched and bitter and his voice is quivering. “Then why did you treat me like you did back then?”

Jared looks troubled with the question. He looks away from Jensen and is staring aside instead, watching glimpse of people passing by through small glasses on the room’s door.

Jensen is waiting not so patiently. As much as he thinks it’s just a mind game, he can’t help but feeling curious. What he has just asked is the biggest question that keeps lingering inside his mind for years, and today, he finally might get an answer.

“… I thought it was for the best.” Jared’s honest answer comes out softly, almost sounding like a whisper.

But the reason Jensen asks Jared to repeat it a few seconds later is not because he didn’t hear it in the first place.

Jensen just thinks that his sense of hearing must have played a trick on him because the answer is _far too ridiculous_ for him to accept it just as it is.

“I thought it was the best for all of us, especially for you.” Jared does what Jensen asked and this time he’s looking straight into Jensen’s eyes as he says it.

Jensen blinks, and once again, the room is suddenly filled with his laughter. Drops of tears he has been holding back for so long are finally running down over his cheeks due to the way his body is shaking as he laughs and laughs, but Jensen just couldn’t tell anymore what it is really that makes him cry and laugh at the same time.

Is it the irony? Is it the fact that what he just heard doesn’t make even a lick of sense in his mind? Is it the way his heart feels like it’s crunched painfully at hearing it? Or is it the anger that suddenly seems to double and burns along his veins?

Jared frowns, obviously confused but says nothing, just waits for Jensen’s laughter to cease.

When it finally does, Jared watches Jensen as he wipes his wet eyes with the end of the hospital blanket, still bursting into chuckles every now and then but says nothing.

Jared tightens his jaw. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to take all of this at once but you have to know that as I was becoming a teenager, I realized what I felt for you had turned to love. Hell, I might have loved you since the first time we met but only then I understood that I want us to become more than just brothers.” Jared grips the sheet harder. “But you seemed so happy with the fact that we were a family…. Remember what you used to tell me? You said that for so long you’d always dreamed to have a brother and a father? And in those first years, each time the four of us sat together around the dining table --laughing and chatting like a real happy family-- you always had this bright expression on your face as if you knew that your dream had finally come true.”

Jensen says nothing, just staring blankly at Jared. The older man sighs in frustration, running his fingers roughly over his hair.

“It was never hate that made me decide to keep a distance from you, Jensen. It was just… I had no other choice. If I kept things the way they were, then sooner or later I was sure that I’d lose my self control and ended up doing something I’d regret to you….” Jared is trying his best to make Jensen understand. “I didn’t want to cause a ruckus in our family. I didn’t want to be the person who made you lose your happiness. And I also didn’t want to disappoint our parents. I kept thinking that even if in the end I’d embraced the fact that I’m gay, at least I wouldn’t have any chance to drag you down with me.”

It’s a sad truth, Jared is more than aware. But Jensen deserves to know. Taking a deep breath, Jared waits silently for Jensen’s reaction.

“… For my sake, was it?” Jensen mutters darkly, and somehow the question shakes up Jared so much because now he can understand, even if it’s just a little, on why Jensen seems to think that his reason is awfully hilarious.

“So what you’re trying to say is that _I_ was the one who should be blamed for my own fucked up life? Is that it?” Jensen lifts his chin up, taunting, ignoring Jared’s concerned frowning.

 

 

“You know, it has never crossed my mind before. But now I realize I was thinking too highly of you.” Jensen’s voice is barely a whisper, leaning his head back on the white pillow, eyes staring at the ceiling. “It turns out that you and your father are just the same selfish bastard.” Jensen hisses, lifts up his head again and when his eyes meet Jared’s, the intensity of rage and hatred inside that beautiful pair of green eyes sends a shiver raking down Jared’s body.

“Your father said he had no power to resist me. He fucking blamed me for making him falling in love with me, for making him do all those horrible things he did. But isn’t it ridiculous because I have never asked to be born this way. I never wished for the looks I have. And now it’s you…” Jensen shakes his head and another single drop of tear is falling down from Jensen’s glistening eyes, rolling down his cheeks. “ _You’re exactly just like him_.”

That accusation leaves Jared speechless.

He has assumed that Jensen will find it hard to accept his love confession. After all this time, after everything that has happened between the two of them, even if Jared is sure that deep down Jensen still loves him, Jared knows that there’s it’ll be hard for Jensen to believe right away in the truth of Jared’s feelings. But watching the way Jensen’s face scrunches with emotions as he’s sitting there, his body’s trembling visibly, Jared never thought that his honesty would hurt Jensen this much. He looks so angry yet so miserable that it pains Jared just by seeing him.

“You said you avoided me because you didn’t want to take away my happiness, but you never knew how lonely and painful it was for me to realize that all of a sudden all I could see was your back in the distance, out of my reach. You couldn’t even look at me in the eyes, couldn’t bear to stay in the same room with me. Fuck, you didn’t even bother to tell me why or how. In those moments that I needed you most, you were finally gone, just like that…. I was just a boy who felt so excited because after years of my life, I finally got the family I’d always wanted. But why did it turned out to be like this? Your father took away my innocence and all I could do was just lay there, trying hard to bear all of the things he did to me for the sake of my mother. And then you --the man I admired, the man I looked up to so much …the man that I later realized is the guy whom I fell in love with-- you suddenly avoided me like a plague. Leaving me alone with no one else to turn to, wondering for so long just what was it I did wrong that made you hate me so much….” Jensen’s voice is cracking and another tear falls. “…And that was why I came back. That was why I left everything and everyone: friends whom I love and love me back. I mustered up all my courage just to see you once again because I needed you to tell me why. I wanted to fix our relationship so that I can be beside you once again. But all I got in the end was just another broken heart and cruel humiliation. And now you told me that you did it because of _me_? That it was all because you want me to remain happy?”

“You and your damn father have caused me nothing but suffering. Do you really think that after saying all that bullshit about loving me then I’ll just simply forget everything?” Jensen wipes his tears angrily. “Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve had enough of this, Jared. Now I’m asking you to walk out of that door and never look for me again. Let’s just pretend that we’ve never known each other. And forget that I’ve ever said I love you, because that feeling has already gone. I simply just don’t. Not anymore. After so long, finally I’m free, and I’m just so glad to have this chance to start a new life. A life that for once won’t have you in it.”

Jensen’s breath is racing as soon as he finished talking. For a long moment, he and Jared are just staring at each other’s eyes.

Jared’s fear has come true. Jensen has clearly stated that he doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again. Despite his tightening grip on the sheet, Jared tries his best to stay calm. Things have already been too hard for Jensen without him adding something worse into the drama.

Jensen’s face is flushing red with all the emotions churning inside him. His whole body looks as if it screams at Jared to stay away, to just leave him alone.

But Jared already knows that he can’t do that. Hearing all those words Jensen said, Jared realizes even more that there’s just no way he can ever let Jensen go now.

“I can’t do that.” Jared says his thought out loud, hoping Jensen won’t be able to hear the panic in his hoarse voice.

Jensen glares. “What is it, huh? Feels like you haven’t finished destroying my life yet?”

“I’ve made mistakes, Jensen. Mistakes I never meant to make. Turns out there are just too many things I’ve done wrong when it comes to you, more than I’ve ever imagined. And I kept losing you because of that. But I swear to God I’ll do anything to make sure that I will never lose you again.” Jared says with gritted teeth. His expression shows great determination.

Jensen slams his head back onto the pillow hard, frustrated. “Oh, _shut up_. Why won’t you just shut up and go?” He groans.

But Jared is nothing but persistent. “Look, I can’t undo what I did. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to erase all your pain or heal those scars in your heart. But I have to try. _You’ve got to let me try, Jensen_.” Jared moves, approach Jensen with careful steps so now he’s standing right beside Jensen’s bed, very close to him.

Jensen realizes the shortened distance, and quickly lifts his head up again. But he has nowhere to go and all he can do is just sink his body deeper into the mattress, inching to the side, fighting to maintain his threatened personal space. Staring up at Jared’s face above him, Jensen can’t help but feel afraid and the feeling of helplessness he felt just by having Jared this close has somehow pissed him even more.

“You are such a pompous jerk.” Jensen says with angry tone. “Everything has to be exactly like how you want it, doesn’t it?”

Those fiery words coming out of Jensen’s mouth is followed by sudden flow of overwhelming emotions inside him that can’t be stopped even when he tries to. “The Great Jared Padalecki took pity on an orphaned boy. He threw some bread crumbs for the boy to eat. But after a while he got bored of him. So he turned his back away from him and gave the boy no other choice than to accept his avoidance.” Jensen’s gaze is all fury heat towards the sight of Jared who’s still watching him sharply as he continues. “But then his beloved father died, the boy dares to live, and Jared Padalecki decided that the boy must be rid from his sight. But after the boy grew to be a man, he stupidly returned. And when he did, Jared Padalecki refused to hear everything he was trying to say. He even cruelly stripped what little was left of his dignity. And once again, the whole world bowed down before his wish. Then one day, Jared Padalecki suddenly has a change of opinion, so the boy has to accept it too. He instantly tried to force his way into the boy’s life, or else by God he swore he’ll do anything to make sure the boy is willing to let him do so…” An embarrassing stinging in his eyes and the overwhelmed pain caused by his own words make Jensen speechless all of a sudden, his lips trembling and helplessly his eyes are widened, staring at Jared’s figure from beneath layers of tears so thick that Jared’s face looks blurred in his eye view.

“… And then Jared Padalecki decides that he wants to have the boy for his own.” Jared growls, continuing right where Jensen had left off before ducking his head down and catches Jensen’s lips with his own in one swift kisses.

Jensen only has a few seconds to freeze up before feeling himself sinking into waves of sensation and lust that burns, getting lost in the dizzying intensity that makes him weak all of a sudden. He can’t help his reaction because for fuck sake _this is Jared_ who’s kissing him like his life depends on it. Unconsciously, Jensen’s hands are lifted up to touch Jared’s hard jaw, only to drag it further back to sink inside Jared’s thick strands of dark hair. Wild heat is spreading throughout Jensen’s whole body, and he holds on to Jared tightly, fighting to get closer and closer in his effort, trying to take all he can get.

Jensen is used to dream about kissing Jared. Hell, he has even lost count on how many times he had imagined about it. But he never thought that the feeling he’d get when those strong lips are devouring his can be this intoxicating.

The shock he gets from Jared’s kiss can only be compared by the way his body’s shivering uncontrollably as Jared’s long fingers are sneaking inside through the rim of his hospital gown’s low collar, slowly caressing every inch of Jensen’s skin they can touch beneath. Jensen can feel Jared’s shuddering along with his as those fingers finally find their way onto one of Jensen’s sensitive nipples.

Jared is teasing him with a speed and skill so good that all of a sudden Jensen feels panic. He jerks his hands off Jared’s hair and tries to rid the older man’s roaming fingers from his sensitive skin, but instead his hands grab the back of Jared’s palms, automatically and unconsciously follows his basic instinct that never wants Jared to stop. Great clashing between his fear and longing shakes Jensen to the core.

_This man is more than able to break you. He did it back then so what makes you think he won’t do it again, Jensen?_

The thought flashes in Jensen’s mind. And the strikes of fear that comes after makes him stop his unconscious attempt of free-falling into crates of self-destruction. He tries to pull his lips off Jared’s but Jared just pulls him even closer.

Jensen feels so afraid and frustrated and it surprises him when he realizes the coldness ghosting over his now really wet cheeks. Jensen just can’t take it anymore. A soft sob escapes his throat and upon hearing it, Jared suddenly goes completely still.

Unbearable shame makes Jensen rip his lips off Jared’s, turning his face away to hide his flushed face. He can’t breathe for trying to hold back sobs, causing his chest to throb painfully. Jensen grits his teeth in his effort to control himself.

Jared stares at him. His hand caresses Jensen’s wet cheek and gently he pulls the younger man inside his tight embrace, resting his jaw on top of Jensen’s head. Jensen’s body tenses, but all the churning emotions inside are weakening him and he has no power to shake Jared off.

Jared doesn’t say anything for a long time, yet Jensen can still feel vibes of anger coming out of his pores. And Jensen doesn’t know how he knows --he even doubts it-- but somehow he senses that Jared’s anger isn’t aimed at Jensen but more to himself instead.

“It’s like I said… I love you, Jensen.” Jared finally speaks, his voice is hoarse. “I always have and always will. And no matter how many times you ask me to leave, even with tears brimming in your beautiful green eyes, I don’t think I will ever be able to let myself walk away from you. Not again. Not when I can still see you look at me like that, eyes darkened with desire and longing, just like how I remembered. That’s why I beg you Jensen, please…. Please let me make it up to you and I’m sure someday you can finally learn to trust me.”

Unexpectedly, Jared’s words break the spell Jensen is in. Those things he says brings back Jensen’s anger. Most people might find that those strings of beautiful sentences, if those were said to them, can really cure any heartache they have inside their heart. But for Jensen, that’s not the case.

Ever since that day Jensen left the Padalecki’s residence, he found that he had no more reason to think that positively towards anything. And it’s probably the greatest change that’s happened to him, since he was never like this before. He used to be so optimistic. He wouldn’t have decided to return back for Jared if he wasn’t.

But the painful life he has been living up until now, if anything, has finally succeeded on teaching him a hard learned lesson:

_There is something wrong with him_.

It’s like he’s been cursed to live his life alone for the rest of his life. Nobody loves him. There’s no one who can. Even if somebody did, in the end someone or something would make them leave. And Jensen has done blaming others. No matter how pathetic it makes his life become, Jensen has no other choice but to accept the fact that it was all his own fault.

That’s why Jensen feels so angry at Jared right now. Can’t he see that what he said has given Jensen hope? It’s something Jensen doesn’t allow himself to have again. Because in the end, he’ll be the only person left with another wound in his heart that won’t heal.

And it’s also infuriating for Jensen to hear Jared saying with confidence that Jensen still loves him, because it’s a reality Jensen has been trying like hell to forget. It’s a fact that he’s been denying over and over again everyday. He has been trying to bury that feeling in the deepest of his mind and Jared is so wrong if he thinks Jensen will want to dig it up to the surface again.

Jared is the man who had hurt him the most. He’s the reason why Jensen’s life has become this miserable, and he is nowhere near ready to forgive him. There’s just too much to put at stake if he does.

Suddenly energized by rage, Jensen shoves Jared away hard, putting a distance between Jared’s too-close-for-comfort body and his, as far as he can. And he watches with satisfaction as Jared stumbles a few steps back from the strength of his pushing.

Jensen wipes his wet lips roughly with the back of his hand, trying unsuccessfully to get rid of all the taste of Jared from his lips. His eyes are narrowing dangerously as he stares at Jared’s surprised face.

“I don’t think you get it, Jared.” Jensen says with cold tone. “I’ve said it before and now I’ll say it again. _I don’t love you anymore_. So please stop hallucinating and just leave me alone. No matter what you do, I’ll never trust my heart to anyone else, ever again.”

Jared’s jaw visibly tightened at Jensen’s words. For a long time, no one says anything and they just stare at each other.

“I get it.” Jared says, breaking the silence between them. “I understand that right now it’s impossible for me to earn back your love and trust.”

Jared looks so defeated that it surprises Jensen. It’s rare to see that expression on Jared’s face and at the same time Jensen feels relieved because it seems Jared finally will decide to walk out of his life forever.

But apparently Jensen’s assumption is wrong, because the next second Jared’s familiar determined expression returns.

“That’s why all I can do right now is to work harder to win you back.” Jared says with a serious face. “No matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. And this time, I’ll make sure myself that there’ll be nothing or no one to get in our way.”

Jensen’s staring him as if he was crazy but Jared ignores him and continues. “You wouldn’t want to go back home with me for nothing. I understand that you must feel it’s a useless thing to do considering what had happened. That being said, I know you can’t just surrender your heart to me. But at least I can still create one last chance for myself, can I?”

Jensen looks confused at that. “What do you mean?”

“Give me the price.” Jared says. “Tell me how much I should pay to make you willing to come home with me and stay for a month.”

Jared stands there --giving Jensen his proposal which is actually part of his plan-- and tries not to show how panicked he actually feels right now. Jensen is trying to close all the doors on him. And Jared knows he must do something, anything, if he doesn’t want to lose Jensen forever.

Jared has lost him twice before. The first time was because he chose to leave Jensen. And the second time was because he forced Jensen to leave him. But he sure as hell won’t lose him for the third time. It’s simply unacceptable and though Jared is aware that once again he is being selfish, Jared is sure that all he needs to get Jensen back to his side is _more_ time.

And that’s how this fucked up plan came out. Putting aside the disgusted feeling towards himself for putting Jensen in this kind of situation, for now it’s the only thing Jared can do.

“Did you…” Jensen looks like he can’t believe his ears. “Did you just say that you wanted to buy me?”

“Yes, I did.” Jared answers with no hesitation.

Jensen gapes, too speechless to say anything.

“Fuck you, Jared.” Jensen hisses, finally coherent enough to respond. “You’re totally one crazy bastard, you know that?”

“What’s wrong?” Jared taunts. “Don’t tell me you’re going to say no to my offer? I mean, you were the one who said that you don’t have any feeling whatsoever for me, weren’t you? Then just treat me like your other customers and I’m sure we won’t have a problem.”

Jensen’s eyes widened, annoyed because suddenly he realizes what this is about: Jared is actually _challenging_ him. The bastard is testing him to see if what he said about his feelings for Jared is true.

“Buying my time for a whole month, it’s going to be so expensive.” Jensen says, desperate in his effort to make Jared forget his intention.

“You know I’m more than able to afford it, Jensen.” Jared blocks it easily.

Jensen sneers. “Even if that’s the way it is, you should know that I’m picky when it comes to my customers. And I really don’t think you’re qualified enough to be one.”

“Really?” Jared raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry but I find myself doubting that. I bet you have a long list of clients that are much worse than me, don’t you?”

Jensen narrows his eyes. “Not really. It depends on what qualification we’re talking about.”

Jared is about to say something back when suddenly the door is opened and Dr. Jennings enters the room again.

He stares at both Jensen and Jared, probably realizing the tense atmosphere hanging in the air. “Is everything okay?”

“We’re fine, doctor. Just… we’re in the middle of talking about some family matters.” Jared assures the doctor with a smile, seeing from the corner of his eyes that Jensen only grits his teeth at his words.

Dr. Jennings seems to find the answer satisfying because he nods before clearing his throat and walks towards Jensen. “Mr. Ackles, judging from the result of your examination, I can see that your body is recovering pretty fast. Therefore, I think I can give you a permission to leave the hospital today.”

Jensen’s face brightens up at hearing that. He has been starting to get fed up with this room, the ridiculous hospital gown they made him wear, this stupid bed, and the fact that Jared is here with him and stealing his breath just by his existence. He misses his secluded and private apartment. “Oh, that’s great.” Jensen says cheerfully. “Then can I leave right this afternoon?”

Dr. Jennings smiles at Jensen’s excitement. “Sure, as soon as you both are ready, I’ll come and give you a final check up. I’ll also give you some prescriptions that you need to take regularly during your healing period. Jared-sshi can contact the administration office for you and after he’s done taking care of your bills and buying your meds, both of you can leave this hospital.”

Jensen frowns. “Wait a minute, doctor. I think you misunderstand.” Jensen points at Jared and says, “I’m not leaving with him.”

Dr. Jennings looks confused. “Oh? You’re not? But Mr. Padalecki here had convinced me earlier that you’ll be taken care of well at home. Aren’t you two brothers are going to live together?”

Jensen can’t believe what he had heard. So _that_ is what Jared and the doctor were talking about. Slowly, he turns his gaze to the still standing Jared, and glares. To Jensen’s annoyance, Jared is pretending not to see that.

“No, we’re not. And I can take care of myself, doctor.” Jensen said to the doctor, eyes filled with anger still fixed on Jared. “I will go back to my own apartment.”

“Do you have someone there who can help take care of you until you’re completely recovered?” Dr. Jennings asks Jensen.

“Huh?” Jensen blinks. “No, I live alone.”

Dr. Jennings’s kind smile suddenly disappears at hearing that. “Well, then. I’m sorry but if that’s so then I have to tell you that won’t do. Even though I said your health is getting better, you can’t be alone until you’re completely well. Some of the wounds on your body are still fresh and they need extra care, and since most of the meds I’ll give you have sedative effects, I don’t think you can treat it by yourself.”

Jensen helplessly wants to groan. He gives Jared a hateful stare, his chin is up, showing determination. “Fine, than I’ll stay for a few more days.”

Jared says nothing. He’s been talking to the doctor; Jared knows Dr. Jennings is going to drop another bomb to Jensen’s statement. Jensen thinks he still has a way to get out of this possibility of living with Jared once again, but really, soon he’ll realize that he’s been pushed to the corner and he won’t be able to escape.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ackles. But I think you wouldn’t want that either.” Dr. Jennings clears his throat, giving Jensen a regretful look. “You see, I have no choice but to ask you leave this hospital today. Like I said before, it has been a normal protocol for doctors to report such cases as yours to the police. But I understand that no one in this room would have wanted that, would we? Considering what you do for living, I’m sure police interference would only bring more trouble for you. Trust me, I know. It’s not my first time dealing with patients who work as a hustler. They ended up getting more hard times when the police came in to join the crowd and I felt bad for them. That’s why I decide to be lenient on you. But I can’t keep hiding this from my colleagues. Sooner or later someone will find out. So I’m telling you that if you insist on staying here, even for just one more day, then I will have to contact the authorities.”

Jensen is really annoyed now.

_What the hell?_

Suddenly, through the speaker placed on the hospital hall outside, three of them can hear a woman’s voice, announcing that Dr. Jennings is needed in ICU STAT.

“Ah, duty calls. You two can talk about this alone and when you have your decision, please let me know. If I’m not in my office by then, please just wait, okay?” The doctor says and then walks out of the door in a hurry.

As soon as the door is shut closed, Jensen turns his attention on Jared.

“Okay, what was _that_?” Jensen asks, his tone is angry and demanding. “Don’t tell me you had nothing to do with it.”

Jared tries hard to act innocent and keep his excitement hidden. “I really didn’t have anything to do with it, Jensen.” Jared speaks the half truth.

Well, he indeed has done some small things to make the situation spiraling into this. But the rest of it comes out just naturally.

Actually, at first Jared was unable to come up with any plan whatsoever. He was just too unsure and afraid to figure out one. But then Jensen fainted and things were starting to roll into unexpected ways, and that’s when this plan popped inside his head.

It’s obvious that he still can’t persuade Jensen to come back home with him after he apologized and cleared things up. Not even after confessing his love to him. But at the moment Jensen is left with no choice but to accept Jared’s earlier offer. Telling Jensen that he’ll pay Jensen to come home is just Jared’s way to make it easier and less stressful for Jensen’s already battered mind.

Now that he thinks about it, the way this complicated situation turns out to be such a big help for him is perhaps one of God’s way of telling him that he can still have one more chance. And he has every full intention to make a good use of it.

“I don’t believe this.” Jensen groans.

The despair Jared hears in Jensen’s words wears off his excitement. Jared dares himself to step forward. “Please, Jensen. Don’t make things get more difficult on both of us. I believe this is the only win-win solution we have. I want to spend more time with you so I can try to make you see how sincere and sorry I am. But we both know that you won’t want to do it just like that. So now I’m offering you a reason that is totally unsentimental so you can at least put yourself at ease while you’re doing it. You seem so eager to get rid of me. But the way I see it, it’s either you give me a chance and the time I need to prove to you that I’ve changed, or you will never get your peace because I can guarantee I’ll keep showing up in front of you until you cave in.” Jared grips the side of Jensen’s bed, letting Jensen see how determined and serious he is when he continues, “I meant it when I said that no matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. So just consider my offer, will you? If by the end of that one month you still can’t find a place for me in your heart, then you can leave with your money and I promise I won’t ever bother you again.”

Jensen shakes his head, frustrated. “Can’t you see that it’s useless?”

“I have to believe it’ll be otherwise.” Jared perseveres.

Hearing that, Jensen’s gaze is a defeated one as he looks at Jared for a long time.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Jensen asks with bitter voice, and Jared can see his hands are gripping the already rumpled sheet tightly.

Jared gulps down. He turns his gaze onto the floor, unable to bear the sight in front of him. Jensen looking at him like that, he can’t help but feel saddened. But there’s just no way he will back down now.

“I’m sorry. Even after all of this, you’re still the one who has to bear the most sadness.” Hoarsely, Jared tells Jensen in the end before lifting his face and looks right into Jensen’s eyes. “But I need you to give me this last chance.”

Jensen is silent for a moment.

“Fine, I’ll take your offer.” Jensen finally says and his jaw is tightened. “However, before you start being delusional, let me remind you that starting from this second, you’re just my client and I’m just your whore. That’ll be it. And I’ll tell you what is going to happen between us once we go back. You can fuck me whenever and wherever you want to. With some extra money on the bill; I’ll even let you cum inside my mouth.” Jensen ignores Jared’s cringing at his blunt words and instead continues on talking with gritted teeth. “You can do almost everything to me. Hell, you’re paying so that’s how it should be. But don’t expect me to have any expectations, Jared. Don’t tell me to look forward to anything you’ll do that you think will be able to make me forget all the pain you’ve caused. You must know that every second I’ll spend with you for the next one month will be the worst moments in my life and nothing can ever change that. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I won’t let myself fall for you again.”

Jared says nothing to that. It’s useless anyway because starting at this point; he realizes actions will work better for both of them instead of words.

Walking away from Jensen, Jared prays silently that somehow, before his time runs out, a miracle will happen between the two of them and they’ll finally be able to reach their happiness.

“I’ll go and tell the doctor that we’ve reached a decision.” Jared says and Jensen is just watching him silently, lost inside his own thought as the older man disappears behind the door.

**TBC**


	20. Chapter 18

  
Author's notes: It has been like, almost 3 months, since I last updated.

I've given up trying to seek forgiveness from all of you. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I'm not worth getting it. Besides, it's going to be redundant. And in this case, redundancy has never been a good thing, don't you think?

I'll end up taking too long in updating the story once again anyway, and you'll get tired listening to the old sob story on how my muse is such a bitch and keeps running away from me. T________T

So to keep you all from feeling nauseated, I'll just present you this next chapter in all its lameness glory.

* * *

**Chapter 18**

 

 

The way things are progressing, Jared can’t help but feel like a huge jerk all over again. 

 

 

Jensen is now sitting next to him, huddled on the edge of the backseat as far away from Jared as possible and lost in his own thought as he’s looking out of the car’s window on their trip back home. The atmosphere between them, to put it simply, is tense. 

 

Jared sighs. 

 

 

To be honest, he didn’t mean to do it like this. 

 

 

He had intended to work his way into Jensen slowly. His hatred had hurt Jensen, but if the younger man is willing to forgive and forget about it eventually, Jared is also more than willing to accept the fact that it’s going to take the rest of his life for it to happen. 

 

 

But then Jensen looked at him like _that_ \--pain and tears inside his dark eyes—and all his good intentions had suddenly gone down the drain. He was overpowered with this crazy urge to embrace Jensen and kiss his sadness away. 

 

 

The next thing he knew was Jensen’s soft lips under his ravaging ones. 

 

 

Jared realized that it was cruel and sly to do it when Jensen was far too weak and confused to punch him on the face and yell _don't_. His guilt was almost as huge as the satisfaction he got from noticing Jensen’s helpless reaction to the kiss, because at that moment, Jensen was actually _kissing him back_.

 

 

For Jensen the trigger might be years filled with heartaches and longing. As for Jared, it was love and lust and regret and so many other things he couldn’t even put his finger on. But the fact remains; the kiss was shaking both of them to the core. 

 

 

Some things, some people, now are forever out of Jared’s reach. But the kiss proved that the feelings he and Jensen had towards each other were still pretty much alive. 

 

 

And if it wasn’t for Jensen’s insecurity suddenly freaked him out and made him back down, Jared is pretty sure they would’ve ended up sweaty and awkward on that very hospital bed. 

 

 

Jensen was right after all. _Everything_ always has to be like how Jared wants it to be. 

 

 

Jared had never given much thought on it before, but now he does. 

 

 

He was the only son in the family before Jensen came in, and he was too used to get what he wished for. He was still so young when everything was starting to fall apart, forcing him to step up front and take over the control of his own life and many other people working for his family. He had been bearing burdens of works and life and lots of other responsibilities attached to him after his father’s breaking down, making tough decisions, not to mention taking risks. And at the end of the day, the tendency to lead and overpower everything becomes a solid part of him, so naturally that he had never even once questioned it. 

 

 

Jensen’s stern rejection had made him frustrated. He was lost, and hated the feeling of it. That was part of the reasons why he kissed Jensen. Aside from the fact that kissing him had been on Jared’s top of wish list since forever, he did it to return the control of the situation into his grip. 

 

 

It’s truly an irony since right now Jared still feels as clueless and lost as ever, if not even more. Now that Jared knows how it feels to kiss Jensen; how intoxicating those lips feel beneath his; how it was even better compared even to his most vivid dreams of kissing him; well, it’s only fair to describe this situation as the worst fuck up he’s ever had in his life. 

 

 

Their driver’s soft announcement of _we’re here, Sirs_ pulls Jared out of his thoughts. 

 

 

Glancing out of the window, Jared can see the Padalecki residence’s huge metal gate from afar. His eyes flick towards Jensen and he instantly creases his forehead in concern. 

 

 

Jensen is no longer slumping on his seat. Instead, his body has turned rigid, and there’s obvious anxiety and panic on his face. 

 

 

Jared’s heart is constricted as he is watching Jensen silently. The car finally passes through the gate and Jared clears his throat. “We’re home, Jen.” He said in a soft voice, hoping somehow it’ll calm Jensen down. 

 

 

Jensen looks at him with unreadable expression for a moment before his eyes go even darker and those lips form a bitter smile. “ _Home_ , is it?” Jensen turns to gaze at the building outside and continues with a whisper. “That house is never a home for me, Jared. You of all people should know that, shouldn’t you?” 

 

 

Blinking, Jared realizes he has no answer to that. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

 

 

There are loads of guest rooms in this huge house and yet --much to Jensen's annoyance-- Jared made him stay in the same room where he did the last time he was here. The exact room where he used to wonder and dream and want just one thing but ended up losing almost everything, even himself.

 

 

_Talking about one clueless bastard_. 

 

 

Sighing, Jensen moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Staring at his backpack, Jensen realizes he still has some unpacking to do. But he's not in the mood, and there isn't that much to be unpacked anyway. 

 

 

Flopping his back on the bed, Jensen draws a long sigh. 

 

 

He can't shake away this sense of massive _deja-vu_ as he realizes that he's here once again, feeling so fucked up and filled with this desire to just run and leave this house --for different reasons altogether this time. 

 

 

He really wants to tell himself that he's somehow tricked -- _swindled_ \-- to be stuck in this horrifyingly familiar situation. But that would be a lie. 

 

 

He knows full well how and why he's here. That damn Jared had no doubt put some tricks into it to happen, but Jensen was definitely sober --and pretty much resentful-- when he gave Jared an _okay_. 

 

 

There's just no use regretting it. He can do it. He's been a slut for three full years now after all. He's a fucking _expert_ when it comes to this, isn't he? 

 

 

He just needs to try to act professionally. He should never let his emotions run him by while he's trapped under the roof of this house because every time he lets his feelings gets the better of him, he's fucked. And not just literally. 

 

 

So yeah. He just has to put on this façade for another month. Hopefully less. He'll knock some understanding inside Jared's head, making sure to crush all of his stupid illusions on this relationship between both of them getting all fixed up and happy. 

 

 

And then, only then, he could walk out and leave all this tragedy behind. He'd start anew. Living an anonymous life, sheltering himself in solitary because nobody needs him so _why the hell would he need anyone?_

 

 

He wouldn't care if it's going to be lonely, if it's going to be dark and shady and pathetic. He wouldn't give a damn, even if it's going to be a journey to crash-and-burn in the end. 

 

 

What matter is: he'll be himself. He'll be in peace. He'll be safe. 

 

 

And no one could ever hurt him again. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

It’s night already and Jensen is agitated. If Jared really intends to keep their end of the deal, he should start telling Jensen to bend over some table or kneel on the floor somewhere by now and make a good use of his mouth. A quickie would be much better because then it’ll mean Jensen’s job is done for tonight and he can retreat back to his room, counting seconds to inevitable tomorrow. 

 

 

But here they are instead: eating dinner in civilized manner that doesn’t even help to ease the eerie atmosphere. 

 

 

Tableware is clinking soundly in the midst of silence stretches between them. 

 

 

Jensen isn’t feeling hungry at all. In fact, he’s starting to feel bile crawling up his throat from the tension. But he hoards down his food like there’s no tomorrow anyway because by doing so he can ignore Jared’s burning gaze on him from across the table. 

 

 

To tell the truth, Jensen doesn’t enjoy this silence. He’s been expecting Jared to say something, anything. Just so Jensen can move on things to how they’re supposed to be. Jensen has to make sure that Jared won’t forget on how he is just the whore and Jared is just the client. Facing each other in silence with heavy emotions swirling in the air is never a definition of whore-client interaction on Jensen’s book. 

 

 

However, some parts of him also want to let them keep doing this, all night if it’s possible. The thought of touching Jared anywhere or, worse, letting Jared touch him somewhere is making him shiver in uncertainty and anxiety. But he prefers it hands down rather than creating a chance for them to _talk_. He really doesn't think he can afford the emotional consequences he’ll surely get from it. That’s why after swallowing his last bite, Jensen wipes his mouth carefully and finally looks up at Jared. 

 

 

“So, I’m full.” Jensen announces, leaning back on his seat and glancing at Jared’s still full plate. “Since I can see that you’re not hungry, don’t you think we should get on to the main show now?” 

 

 

Jared blinks. “What?” 

 

 

Jensen shrugs. “Well, you know. Now that we’re here, I think it’s time for you to tell me your kinkiest fantasies, and I’ll see what I can do to fulfill it.” 

 

 

The statement looks like it punches Jared in the face, and he leans back, big hands wipes over his face. “Can’t… Can’t we just… you know, talk?” 

 

 

Jensen refrains from rolling his eyes. _Why I am not surprised?_

 

 

The younger man chooses to ignore the pleading. Slowly, Jensen rises up from his seat and walks over to where Jared is still seating, trying hard to ignore that despite his resolution to keep things professional, his heart is beating like mad inside his chest. When he’s near enough, he waits, and curses a few seconds later because Jared is still not moving, just watching Jensen with horror on his face. 

 

 

“Look, I can’t do my job like this, Jared. Or do you want me to blow you from under the table instead?” Jensen glances to inspect the said table. “It’ll be a little uncomfortable, but I think I can manage it.” He continues and starts pulling chairs aside to make a way. Suddenly, Jared’s hand is on his, stopping him from what he’s doing and Jensen can’t help but closes his eyes at the feel of Jared’s skin. He silently counts to three before opening them and throws a questioning glare to Jared. 

 

 

Jared swallows visibly, but he doesn’t retract his hands. “It’s… It’s not that I don’t want this, Jensen. God knows I do. But this is not how I want it to be done.” Jared’s gaze at Jensen is deep and filled with emotions as he’s slightly pressing his hands. “Now that I have you here around me once again, this is _never_ how I dreamt it to be done. Can’t you at least spare some time for us to talk things out?” 

 

 

Jensen narrows his eyes. “We had a deal, Jared.” He growls, emphasizing each and every syllable because he’s angry now for so many reasons he can’t even comprehend. Quickly, he reaches out to hold Jared’s collar and yanks him up, ignoring the loud sound when the chair Jared was seating on tumbles back due to the force. It isn’t an easy task to do, hauling a giant bigger than himself up on his feet. But fury always gives Jensen extra strength, and once he gets Jared to stand facing him, Jensen falls down on his knee and works quickly on Jared’s zipper, pulling it down with efficient fingers. 

 

 

Jared feels burning hot inside his grip, already half hard and Jensen swallows. He feels Jared’s trying to step back and his grips is hardened mercilessly in his effort to stop him. That earns a growled whimper from the older man. Looking up, Jensen says with gritted teeth. “Stop acting like a coward. Be a man and take it all or I swear if you don’t let me do my job I’ll fucking bail and leave this damn house before you can even blink.” 

 

 

Jared freezes at hearing that, fear and panic in his gaze, and Jensen takes that chance to give Jared’s cock a first lick. Jared’s lips spurt out something that sounds a lot like _guh_ and Jensen smirks. “Moan if you like because _that_ would be the only kind of conversation we’ll have.” He says before slipping all of Jared’s cock between his full lips and into the warmth of his mouth like an expert that he is. 

 

 

Jared’s hips are starting to buck up as Jensen bobs his head forward and back, stopping to suck every now and then. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Jared’s hands falls hard over the side of the table, gripping it hard to get balance. Moans and growls are sounding like they were ripped out of Jared’s throat and fuck if that doesn’t make Jensen swallow deeper and suck harder. 

 

 

Because now he understands it. Now he can see how _doing this_ is torturing Jared in a way it’s not supposed to be. It is too much and it’s hurting the older man in anyway possible. The realization is only doing nothing but sparking Jensen up to increase his ministrations on Jared’s cock, knowing that each string of pleasure Jared gets is a painful experience; a severe punishment. And Jensen is determined to make sure Jared feels the whole misery he can create from his tugging and sucking and lapping over the sensitive flesh he holds captive under his merciless fingers and even more ruthless tongue. 

 

 

It isn’t long before Jared’s body shuddering hard, letting out a choking sound when Jensen sucks him hard one last time and releases his cock out of those swollen lips with a loud pop. Jared’s hands are gripping the side of the table for support as he’s coming hard all over Jensen fingers. 

 

 

For the next few minutes, the only sound heard in the room is Jared’s racing breath. Jensen watches blankly as some of the white come is trickling off his fingers onto the floor and he waits. He waits for some sense of satisfaction to kick in inside him. 

 

 

But there’s none of that. Instead, Jensen feels very sick like he’s never felt before and he must struggle to keep from throwing up his dinner. 

 

 

Slowly, he raises his gaze up to look at Jared’s face. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but what he sees makes his stomach churns horribly. 

 

 

Jared is staring at him, eyes all glazed up. And for a moment, they are just trading stares, witnessing how bad they have broken the others. When a bead of tear is finally falling down over Jared’s toned cheek, Jensen quickly looks away because the sadness visible inside Jared’s eyes is just too much for him. 

 

 

“Jensen…” Jared calls out his name after a while in this broken tone and it makes Jensen scramble to rise up to stand, clears his throat as he is drying the come off his hands on his pants, still refuses to meet Jared’s eyes. 

 

 

“I think we’re done here." Jensen says with hoarse voice. "I’ll just go back to my room.” Without waiting for Jared’s answer, he turns around and leaves the room. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jared looks like he didn’t get any sleep last night. Jensen revels in the fact that apparently he’s not the only one who is bugged the hell out by the degree of their fucked up situation. 

 

 

Jensen really hopes what happened last night would somehow wear Jared out; stopping him from thinking that whatever it is they have between them can be salvaged. But it looks like Jensen has to try harder, because Jared is still there, giving Jensen a bit cautious but hopeful look as they’re eating their breakfast. 

 

 

He slices his sausage fiercely, knowing that he still has long way to go to earn his peace. 

 

 

“So, what are you planning to do today?” Jared asks him, breaking the silence. 

 

 

Jensen flicks his gaze up at Jared. Putting his knife and fork down, he reaches the napkin and wipes his mouth. “I’m not really sure, Jared. Usually, it’s my client who tells me what to do. You know, the usual ‘bend-over-there-and-take-it’ stuff?” Jensen shrugs, thrilled to know that Jared has stupidly given him yet another chance to put some oil into the fire with his question. “What do _you_ want me to do today?” 

 

 

Jared’s eyes are darkened for a full minute, but if Jensen’s words get to him, he doesn’t show it further. He just lowers his gaze down back onto his plate and acts like Jensen doesn’t say a thing. 

 

 

It looks like this time he refuses to take part in Jensen’s little ‘i’ll-fuck-you-up’ game. _What a shame_ , Jensen thinks absentmindedly. 

 

 

Deciding that this is kind of a boring situation, Jensen finishes his water and rises up to stand. 

 

 

“Where are you going?” Jared asks, looked alarmed. 

 

 

“Relax. I won’t go anywhere.” Jensen said casually, checking his watch, and the words he said next are sounded nothing but cynical. “It’s time for you to go to work, Jared. Don’t be a lazy bum and show up in the office on time like a professional businessman that you are, and I promise I’ll be a good little slut and waits for you to come home.” 

 

 

Jared chooses not to reply at that but Jensen just couldn't care less. He can feel Jared's eyes on him as he is walking to leave the dining room; his figure disappears behind the door. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

To tell the truth, Jensen is far too ashamed to be standing here in front of his mother’s grave. If only Mary was still alive, Jensen couldn’t for the life of him imagine what she would say when she found out what kind of human Jensen had become. Maybe, she would just look at Jensen with sadness clouding her beautiful face, and asked _why_. 

 

 

_Life happens to me, Mom. That’s why_ , is what Jensen would have answered. _His_ life, to be more exact, because Jensen is pretty sure that he’s the only person on earth who is leading such tragic life. 

 

 

But he has no intention to be all emotional and teary like how he had been the last time he was here. He has learned his lesson after all. 

 

 

He must never rely on anyone or anything ever again, not even on the comfort of spilling out his misery in front of his beloved mother’s grave. He knows that the only person who can help him is himself. 

 

 

Smiling bitterly, Jensen swats some dust and dried leaves from on top of his mother’s tomb. That’s when he hears Jared’s voice behind him. 

 

 

“It’s been a long time, is it?” 

 

 

Jensen doesn’t answer, doesn’t even bother to turn around. And he is sure as hell isn’t trying to hide the annoyance on his expression.

 

 

Jared steps forward to stand right beside him, and Jensen almost fidgets at the proximity. 

 

 

Almost. 

 

 

“You’re not going to work?” Jensen asks, crouching down to pluck out some grasses at the bottom of his mother’s tomb. He notices Jared has already dressed up in his working suit. 

 

 

“There’s still time.” Jared answers after a while and his gaze is scalding Jensen's back. 

 

 

“Hey,” Jared said after a few minutes passed, breaking the silence with suddenly cheerful voice. “Remember that apple tree in the middle of the garden right there? We used to climb it up and stayed on top of it for the whole afternoon. We were talking about our dreams until we were running out of words to say, or just playing our cloud game to see who could get free back rub later in bath time.” He chuckles. “And then Mom would found out. She would call out to us with worries in her face and ended up giving us a long lecture and scowling for the whole night. But we would still do it again the next day.” 

 

 

Jensen turns his gaze towards the garden on the side. His eyes find the said tree and for a moment he doesn’t say anything. 

 

 

“Nope, I don’t.” Jensen finally replies with a lie, putting his attention back to the grasses below, shrugging. “The only vivid thing I can recall from that garden is that those shady trees there had always been a good place to hide from your father, even if it’s only for a while.” 

 

 

Jensen said the words casually, almost monotone without any hints of venom. But still, as the meaning of the sentence sinks in inside Jared’s mind, the older man’s face is scrunched right up with regret. 

 

 

“God, Jensen…” Jared stutters, the cheerful voice is gone, replaced with this broken and torn up ones. “I didn’t know. I really didn’t.” 

 

 

Jensen’s hands’ movements are halted for a moment when he hears that. He kind of feels like slapping his own mouth, because the direction of where this conversation is leading is definitely not what he had in mind when he spurted out the statement. He simply wanted to create an awkward atmosphere to get Jared to shut up and just leave him alone. 

 

 

Gritting his teeth, Jensen decides to ignore Jared completely and resumes on doing his grass-plucking. 

 

 

“Back then, I was too wrapped up inside my own feelings. I was trying so hard that I couldn’t see anything else.” Jared continues, sounds distant and hurting. “How I wished things weren’t the way they are, Jensen. If you only knew how I regret those years back so much.” 

 

 

Jensen’s fingers are unconsciously forming a fist. _Great, now the bastard just won’t stop blabbing._

 

 

Jensen really can’t stand it: those _excuses_ Jared just keeps throwing at him. Hearing them is only fueling up his anger more, and the next thing he knows is he’s growling at Jared to shut up. 

 

 

It brings the silence back, until Jared says something that pulls Jensen’s attention on him. 

 

 

“I hate him.” 

 

 

Jensen is looking at Jared past his shoulder. Standing there blocking the morning sun, Jared’s figure is forming a silhouette. His face is facing left, staring at something somewhere behind his mother’s tomb. Jensen shivers because even when he can’t see Jared’s expression clearly, he can feel something dark radiating from Jared’s body. Following the direction of Jared’s gaze, Jensen realizes that the older man is staring at Thomas’ grave. 

 

 

“I tried not to think about it, Jensen. What he did and how he had destroyed almost everything and everyone around him without me realizing even the slightest bit of it. God, how I hate him for those.” Jared's wavering voice holds in so many disappointments, questions -- _fulminations_. “He is my father. He was the person I looked up to. Always had been. And at first I was trying to deny what’s already clear. But no matter how I shut my mind closed, the truth will always be there, poking my head and constantly nagging. And I can’t help the way this hatred for him has been growing inside me since then. It’s so contradictory from how I used to be that it hurts, but that’s the truth. I _loathe_ my own father and there’s nothing I can do about it.” 

 

 

The statement surprised Jensen. And somewhere inside, his heart is clenching with grieve. Because he fucking _knows_ how Jared used to feel about his own father. Hell, it was one of the main problems that had landed them in this mess they’re in right now.

 

 

But as much as he regrets how things had become, Jensen has been through enough shit and he can no longer bring himself to care. He rises up to stand, flinging the plucked grass in his grips aside. His voice is full of calm menace when he says, “Don’t be too harsh on him Jared. Because if you can see how many similarities you two share, you’d end up hating yourself too.” 

 

 

Jensen is about to walk away when suddenly Jared’s grip catches his hand, stopping him. 

 

 

Staring at those strong fingers circling his wrist, Jensen turns his gaze at Jared and tries not to flinch at all those shadows he’s witnessing swirling inside Jared’s eyes. 

 

 

“ _I have._ ” Jared says, his voice is thick with emotions. “Can’t you see it, Jen? I can’t even look straight into my reflection in the mirror now without wanting to throw up. What you said back then in the hospital had made me realized how I had become too much like my father. And I’ve abhorred myself since then, more than you can imagine. Because I know that I am _worse_ than him. At least my father was brave enough to die with his sins. To get what he deserves and take whatever punishment hell delivers onto him.” 

 

 

Jensen can feel the grip on his wrist is tightening. 

 

 

“But I am not like that, not at all. I made terrible mistakes just like my father did, but I’m still trying to make you forgive and forget. I’m still persevering to get my life back, struggling to reach my long lost happiness. I still want you to be by my side, just like how I always do.” 

 

 

Jensen is too caught up in his own emotion that he doesn’t even realize it when Jared takes one step closer towards him, his red-rimmed eyes cautiously watches him. And he continues in this voice so low that it’s almost like a whisper. “I am _nothing_ like my father. I’m much more shameless and selfish and greedy and I despise myself for it. But isn’t that how humans are? We always think that we are the most perfect creature God had ever created, but the fact is we are so full of flaws. We make mistakes, we’re doing things we’re not proud of, and at the end of the day we’ll realize what we’ve done wrong and get down on our knees to beg for second chance. Just like what I’m trying to do to you now.” 

 

 

Jensen grits his teeth. “I’m not God, Jared. Take your begging for forgiveness somewhere else.” He shakes his hand, trying to break free. But Jared just won’t let go. 

 

 

“I screwed up, so I’m not God either.” Jared replies, soft and repentant but is still annoyingly determined. “You need to think about it, Jensen. I’m just a human. A remarkably low and unbearably horrible human. And we all know that my biggest sin is not to God. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why no matter what you do, I will never give up.” 

 

 

Jensen doesn’t respond to that, simply looks away and it makes Jared get even more frustrated. “Look, all I’m saying is… Can’t we… just start over? I know we can do it. It’ll be hard. And nothing will be like how it used to, but we’ll manage. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do everything to chalk up our past into mere bad memories. I’ll make you happy. I’ll make _us_ happy. All you have to do is just give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.” 

 

 

Saying those, Jared waits. Because Jensen still refuses to look at him, just staring somewhere at the side with his jaws tightened. Then he finally turns to look at Jared, only to give him this long unreadable look. 

 

 

Jared is already on the edge of his toes now, thinking he must soon be driven crazy by all this hope and expectation inside him. But after a while, Jared is dreading at the way Jensen’s mouth slowly forms this bitter and sad smile, face all scrunched up and broken. 

 

 

“ _No_ , Jared.” Jensen’s lower lip is trembling as he says it and Jared holds this urge to scream and shake Jensen’s shoulder hard because he just doesn’t know what else he should do anymore. 

 

 

“Jensen..,” Jared pleads, feeling like he has lost it. Desperation is clearly showed in his face. “Please, Jensen... Please, just listen to me.” And then he lets Jensen’s hand go, just so he can reaches out and holds both Jensen’s cheek with his palms, dying with this _need_ to be connected to Jensen in any way. 

 

 

Jensen shakes his head, panic at the sudden closeness. The initial anger starts to double inside him due to Jared’s perseverance and roughly he pushes Jared away, scrambling to step back and looked like he's terrified beyond words. 

 

 

“Stop it.” Jensen hisses, backing away another step when Jared tries to shorten the distance between them. “Stop this, dammit, or I swear to God I’ll do what I did to you last night right here in front of our parents’ graves just to make you shut up.” 

 

 

And that does it. 

 

 

Jared freezes on the spot at hearing the threat. Jensen blinks, and a tear is falling over his cheek. “Go.” Whispering, Jensen shuts his eyes closed in his effort to control his emotion. “Please, Jared. Just… leave me alone.” He pleads, followed by silence. 

 

 

Jensen isn’t sure how many minutes have passed, but when he finally opens his eyes again, Jared is already gone. That’s when he finally allows his feet to give up, his body slumps down heavily onto the grass. 

 

 

The fear makes him feel so weak and tired, and he seriously thinks that he really can’t do this any further. He thought he could. But he can’t. 

 

 

It’s far too dangerous, because even then, he was almost swayed by Jared’s words. He was so close to believe that good things can still happen to him. All hopes and dreams of life and love he had buried deep inside him almost surged up, and it almost led him to be once again trapped inside an illusion. He said _no_ but the truth is he almost – _he had wanted to_ \-- said _yes_. 

 

 

His logic was kicking in on the last second and Jensen feels relieved. But he might not be that lucky next time. 

 

 

However, Jensen realizes he has no other option but to bear with it. He had agreed and he must do anything he can to survive this one month. Because he knows if he decides to bail, Jared will never learn that what he’s trying to do is just pointless. That bastard will keep chasing him to the end of the world. Jared is too fucking persistent like that. 

 

 

If he leaves now, he’ll never get his peace. And that thought scares him even more. 

 

 

Taking deep breaths, Jensen gathers his strength and rises up to stand. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

What happened in the morning takes its toll on both of them in the night. And after three days of living the same pattern, Jared’s too tired and too angry to fight back. So tonight he helplessly decides to be on the same page with Jensen. 

 

 

Jared isn’t cornered against any dining table this time. They’ve moved past that. They didn’t want to risk being caught up by some random servant in this kind of fucked up situations after all. Instead, Jared’s back is plastered on one side of the wall inside his study and kneeling before him is Jensen, once again working his way into Jared’s pants. 

 

 

He can only remember vaguely how they ended up here. There is always a lot of silence and not much of a conversation in the beginning, and the next thing he knows is the feel of Jensen’s heated grip around him. 

 

 

Jared reaches out and runs his fingers over Jensen's hair before tugging it roughly to get that mouth closer, silently urging the younger man to just get on with it already. He can see Jensen's eyes glisten in annoyance. It seems like he's a little surprised to see Jared being this rough and eager, acting almost like he's daring Jensen to completely destroy him. 

 

 

But Jared pays no attention and just shuts his eyes closed. Desperation and anger that has been piling up for days makes Jared refuse to be compliant. Compliance doesn’t work and it seems like anything else doesn’t either and Jared is barely hanging on to his sanity here. 

 

 

Those _walls_ Jensen has built around him are far too high and the way Jensen keeps giving him stubborn rejections over and over again is getting too much for Jared. 

 

 

He knows it only has been almost a week since he brought Jensen back. He knows he should have had more patience. 

 

 

But patience has never been one of Jared’s virtues, especially when he almost runs out of time. There are already too few options of methods and even fewer choices of words available for Jared in his effort to set things right. And within a week, Jensen had forced him to use up all of them for nothing. 

 

 

Jared couldn’t help but feeling desperate, and when Jensen starts doing that thing he does with his tongue, he has no choice but to thrust up eagerly --almost violent-- until he hears Jensen make this choking sound. Ignoring it, Jared eases himself down into the heavenly heat that is Jensen’s mouth and tries his hardest to empty his mind while he’s at it. 

 

 

_This_ is what Jensen wants. _This_ is the only thing Jensen is willing to give him for now. It’s the only thing Jared can do to make Jensen stay. 

 

 

In the end, a man has to do what a man has to do. So Jared takes what he can get. 

 

 

However, to be getting off on this is a totally different case from actually _feeling good_ about it. Because each time the pleasure ripples inside Jared, it also breaks him into pieces. Each pleasant wave is a cruel reminder to what Jared had lost and hadn’t yet regained. The way they’re always doing this so heartlessly is throwing him into such depth of despair and Jared shuts his eyes closed as tightly as he could to prevent the tears that have been welling up on his eyes from falling. 

 

 

Jensen is tugging and sucking in all the right places and pretty soon, hopeless as he always has been towards Jensen’s skillful touches, Jared is tightening his fists when he feels the heat build inside him fast. When it finally explodes, his brain automatically shuts down at the unbearable pressure, makes him sees and feels nothing but stars and white hot bliss as he’s letting out this feral groan and comes all over Jensen’s hand. 

 

 

The feel of tears is cold against the heated skin of his cheeks. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Later that night, Jared is still pacing back and forth in his study, lost inside his thought. 

 

 

Judging from zero development he acquired on the situation he has with Jensen, Jared can easily picture how they will spend the rest of their days together just like this: tension and anger in the day, lust and desperation in the night. Destroying each other with nothing accomplished. Jared’s heart is clenching painfully just by imagining the prospect of it. 

 

 

Reality shows that he’s driven into the corner now and he realizes he must do something, think of anything he can do to stop this vicious cycle. 

 

 

And that’s when that idea hits him. 

 

 

He has thought of it before and to be honest, at first he didn’t like the idea even for a bit. Not that it’s different now because if he seriously considers on carrying it out, then there won’t be just the two of them in this matter anymore. 

 

 

There’ll be three. 

 

 

And as much as he respects and trusts that third party, Jared is far too deprived of Jensen’s attention to share. 

 

 

But from where Jared sees it, he has no options left. It is the only way. If by doing so he can earn Jensen’s favor back, Jared would be more than willing to suck it up. 

 

 

The sound of clock ticking is clearly heard in the quiet house and it had been hours since Jensen casually wiped up his fingers covered with Jared’s come all over his pants and retreated to his room with solemn expression on his face. Jared’s face is burrowed when the memory of it plays inside his head over and over again. 

 

 

With heavy steps Jared approaches his desk. He’s unconsciously gnawing on his lower lip, even as he hesitantly picks up the phone receiver and dials. He's listening to the ringing on the other side of the line for a whole minute and flinches when finally a raspy and hoarse voice is heard through the receiver. “Fuck, Jared, it’s fucking midnight. You’d better be dying or is having your house burnt to the ground as we speak. Or else I swear I’ll come over and kill you in the morning for making this shitty call.” 

 

 

Jared doesn’t reply, jaws tightening for some more seconds –his last attempt of contemplation-- before clearing his throat and reluctantly speaks in a low voice. 

 

 

“Jeff, I need your help.” 

 

 

**TBC**


	21. Chapter 19

  
Author's notes:

Here's chapter 19, bbs. And to tell the truth, my muse kind of went berserk while I was writing this. All ideas came rushing at once, jumbled up inside my head. And trying to sort them out was truly a pain in my ass.   
The point is, I'm not too satisfied with how this particular chapter comes out.  
So I'm seriously going to need your feedback on anything you can point a finger at. Be it the writing style, the dialogues, the scenes' description, the redundancy ( _dear God, look at all those repetitions!_ ), or simply the oddity in character that you can't help but notice. Please, let me know, so I can improve the next chapter better.  
Anyway, thanks for the patience. I hope this one works for you too. If it's not, then please spare some time to click on that comment button right there and shoot out all the dissatisfaction. I'll be ready here with my notes :)

* * *

Chapter 19

 

 

_Forgive, sounds good._

_Forget, I'm not sure I could._

_They say time heals everything,_

_But I'm still waiting_

_I'm through, with doubt,_

_There's nothing left for me to figure out,_

_I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying_

_I'm not ready to make nice,_

_I'm not ready to back down,_

_I'm still mad as hell_

_And I don't have time_

_To go round and round and round_

_It's too late to make it right_

_I probably wouldn't if I could_

_Cause I'm mad as hell_

_Can't bring myself to do what it is_

_You think I should_

_I know you said_

_Why can't you just get over it,_

_It turned my whole world around_

_But I kind of like it_

_I made my bed and I sleep like a baby,_

_With no regrets and I don't mind saying,_

_It's a sad sad story_

_That a mother will teach her daughter_

_That she ought to hate a perfect stranger._

_And how in the world_

_Can the words that I said_

_Send somebody so over the edge_

_That they'd write me a letter_

_Saying that I better shut up and sing_

_Or my life will be over_

_I'm not ready to make nice,_

_I'm not ready to back down,_

_I'm still mad as hell_

_And I don't have time_

_To go round and round and round_

_It's too late to make it right_

_I probably wouldn't if I could_

_Cause I'm mad as hell_

_Can't bring myself to do what it is_

_You think I should_

_Forgive, sounds good._

_Forget, I'm not sure I could._

_They say time heals everything,_

_But I'm still waiting_

_(Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice)_

 

 

The wind breezes gently, and Jensen yawns, suddenly feels a little sleepy.

 

“There you are.” A voice, low and terrifyingly familiar pulls Jensen’s mind out of the book he’s reading. He looks up, heart jumping to his throat from fear and he freezes completely when he sees the man standing a few feet in front of him.

 

“Jeff…” The name comes out in a whisper and Jensen’s grips over the pages get tighter, suddenly wanting the grass below to open up and swallow him whole.

 

He had forgotten about Jeff. It’s stupid and careless, but his issues with Jared preoccupied his mind enough these days, and he fucking forgot about Jeff.

 

Jensen curses himself for being such an idiot. And now he has nowhere to run. _Great._

 

“I thought I’d find you here.” Jeff says, crossing the pathway surrounded by rose bushes towards the garden bench where Jensen is sitting. Scanning those bushes with appreciative gazes, Jeff takes a seat next to Jensen. “Those flowers turn out pretty. I’ve always known you have a green thumb, Jen.”

 

Jensen sits straighter, back tensing as he slowly flips the page of his book close. Jeff is now staring at him, he can tell. But Jensen refuses to look back. Instead he’s watching his fingers as they fiddle with the edge of the book.

 

“What? No hugs for me?” Jeff says again, voice filled with nothing but gentle fondness. Still, Jensen can’t bring himself to relax, and after a moment of silence, he can hear Jeff sighing.

 

Jeff stares at the man besides him and he suddenly wants to let out a deep breath of relief. He can’t help but think that despite his own claim of being an atheist, the fact of Jensen being here --safe and sound after all he went through-- is probably the damn closest proof of God’s solid existence he ever encounters.

 

“It’s so glad to see you again, Jensen.” Jeff says softly, meaning each and every word. “Jared and I were so damn worried, but… you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

 

Somehow those words throw Jensen off the edge and all of a sudden, he can feel all these anxiety and fear and shame get mixed up inside him. Never been one to beat around the bush, Jensen ignores the painful clenching of his stomach and hisses loud enough for Jeff to hear. “You _know._ ”

 

Jeff blinks at that short statement, automatically retorts a few seconds later with a ‘Huh?’

 

Jensen turns his eyes to Jeff. Even as he’s watching the way Jeff’s handsome face burrowed in confusion, Jensen decides not to buy it. 

 

“You know, don’t you?” Jensen repeats with gritted teeth. “Don’t play dumb with me Jeff. There’s no way Jared didn’t tell you. So stop talking nonsense and just yell or mock me, or whatever it is you’re here to do.”

 

Jeff frowns, slowly absorbing those words and the whole sight of Jensen in front of him: his much too tight grips over the book he’s holding, his stiffening expression with each and every second of silence stretched between them, his wavering voice, the way he mercilessly bites his own lips so hard. The whole red signs of _anxiety_ and _fear_ which are so clear to see under the bright rays of the sun. And that’s when Jeff gets it. 

 

“You think I’d hate you.” Jeff says slowly, disbelieving. “Those things you did, you’re assuming that it would make me think of you as a lesser man.”

 

Jensen flinches at those words and Jeff almost gapes at the absurdness of the situation; on how Jensen is being so fucking ridiculous here.

 

But Jeff knows better than to laugh. He had met lots of people whose life were so fucked up that they couldn’t help but traumatized by it and hated themselves for it. Consequently, they were unconsciously expecting people to hate them too, to condemn them for eternity. And Jensen here is no exception.

 

“You _actually_ believe I’d be like that, Jen?” The frustration can barely be heard in Jeff’s soft tone. 

 

Jensen stares into Jeff’s eyes for a moment before turning his gaze away. “I wouldn’t blame you if you do.” He shrugs, staring down blankly. “It came with the job description, you know, being looked down on and all.” Looking up, he shakes his head slowly and letting out this laughter that sounds so bitter and broken. “It’s not like I’d give a damn, Jeff. Not anymore.” 

 

Jeff watches as Jensen’s face tries his hardest to look tough and fails at it, suppressing the urge to just scoot closer and embrace Jensen in a hug, just so he can stop him from looking so fucking miserable. 

 

“It’s all in the past, Jensen. You shouldn’t let it get to you for the rest of your life.”

 

Jensen’s gaze returns to Jeff at that statement, those green eyes are glinting with dark amusement. “The past, huh? Haven’t you caught up with the latest news, Jeff? Because the last time I check, I’m _still_ a whore. Jared pays me good money for my service. And as far as I’m concerned, that fact won’t change any time soon.” Jensen says daringly, chin jutting up. “Don’t think too highly of me, Jeff. Save it for someone else who fits the respectable shoes better.”

 

Hearing those words, Jeff’s jaw is hardened and his tone is full of warning as he retorts, “Stop trying to make me hate you, Jen. I have never been one who judges his friend so shallowly, and I won’t start now.”

 

Jensen’s eyes widen, and for a moment he looks so fragile and lost and hopeful at the same time. Jeff’s expression is softening as his heart clenches at the sight. He takes that chance to reach out and holds one of Jensen’s hands in a reassuring grip. “I'll say it one more time.” He whispers gently. “ _It's so glad to see you again, Jen._ ”

 

For a second there Jeff thinks Jensen will cry. Beads of tears are welling up his eyes, making them a pair of glistening greens. But somehow, Jensen manages to stop them from falling down his cheeks, turning his face and awkwardly rubs them all away with his free hand.

 

Jeff allows Jensen some time to regain his composure before squeezing his fingers. “You know I mean it, right? Each and every word, so you better remember that.”

 

Jensen doesn’t answer, just nodding frantically as he squeezes Jeff’s fingers back slightly, but it’s enough to make the older man smile. 

 

“So," Jensen clears his throat. "Aside from declaring your eternal love for me, you’re here for another reason, aren’t you?” He says lightly, but there’s clear wariness in his voice.

 

Jeff isn’t surprised at the question. After all, Jensen is not stupid. Granted, he’s hopeless and such a crybaby when it comes to love --or Jared in most cases-- but he’s never a stupid one.

 

“Yeah, well.” Jeff shrugs, decides to be as truthful as he can be. Hell, Jensen deserves it. “Let’s just say that Jared thinks he has met a dead end with you.”

 

Jensen snorts. “And he asked you to save the day? Well, no offense. But you can never make me change my mind, Jeff.” He shakes his head, expression darkening. “Not on this one. Not on him.”

 

Jeff can see Jensen tensing and quickly says, “Hey, come on, Jen. I’m not here to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your life and you’re free to live it the way you like it.”

 

Jensen relaxes once again at hearing that. “I’m sorry.” He says weakly, biting his lips. “It’s just that… I can’t let Jared get to me again, Jeff. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Is it that wrong to protect yourself from being broken down completely?”

 

Jeff goes silent for a moment. “No, of course it’s not wrong.” He nods, “I know Jared has done things that you’d find hard to forgive. But listen to me here, Jen. Aside from the entire fucked up things that’s happened in the past, even I can still see how madly in love both of you are with each other. Don’t try to deny it, man.” Jeff says as Jensen is about to open his mouth in protest. “Somehow I know that it’s the truth. Just like that time when I could tell that you’re in love with Jared without you saying a word about it.”

 

Jensen looks pensive for a moment. “It might be true. But I’ve realized since long time ago that ‘together’ will never be an option for both of us.” He finally answers, almost sadly.

 

“Okay, I know that the phrase ‘You decide your own destiny’ is one cheesy advice.” Jeff says, cringing at his own words. ”But I'm going to say it anyway, because I always believe that it’s true. Think of it this way, Jensen. Even after everything, the fact is you both are here once again. If you can’t call that destiny, I don’t know what else it should be called.”

 

Jensen glares at Jeff. “You are starting to sound like Jared. If you’re here to be his devil’s advocate then I’m not sure if I should still be talking to you, Jeff.”

 

Jeff raises both his hands up, chuckling. “Hey, I’m not taking sides if that’s what you mean. It’d take a whole lot more than just Jared’s annoying phone call in the middle of the night for him to make me his bitch.” 

 

“However, I won’t lie to you.” Jeff continues with a serious tone. “I would do anything to get you both together, because it really pains me to see both of you in this condition, Jen. I know how much you love the guy, even when he’s proven to be dumb as shit. Jared’s feeling for you is still the same, if not ridiculously more. The only thing stopping you guys from kissing and making up is all those scars and painful memories of the past you choose to hang on to. And that’s how this matchmaking business starts to get all fucked up. Because there’s nothing I can do when it comes to that. It’s up to both of you to overcome it.”

 

Jeff pauses, watching and waiting for Jensen’s reaction. But Jensen’s face is only turning even darker with sadness and something else Jeff can’t recognize, and after long minutes, Jensen still doesn’t say a thing. 

 

Jeff sighs, can’t help but remembering the old days when Jensen would stubbornly clam up closed and be as silent as a statue whenever Jeff mentioned Thomas. Knowing that this might as well be considered as the same situation, Jeff realizes that this is pointless. Perhaps he should try again on better day. “Fine,” Jeff folds. “Since you look like you don’t want to talk about this, I’ll stop here today.”

 

Jensen relaxes visibly at that. 

 

“But only if you agree to answer my last question.” Jeff continues with a grin.

 

Jensen is tensing again. “What is it?” He asks cautiously.

 

Jeff’s eyes are glinting mischievously. “You’re still not going to give me a hug?” He wiggles his eyebrows comically.

 

Jensen’s burst of laughter is loud and clear in the air and when Jensen moves to embrace him in a hug, Jeff wonders if it is the first time Jensen has laughed like this after a long time.

 

As he tightens his hands over Jensen’s body --chest swelling with fondness and care for this guy in his arms-- Jeff thinks that it probably is. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jeff sits there swatting imaginary dust off his pants and gives Jared his best innocent look. “What?” He asks lightly, swallowing an amused smile at the way Jared pouting at him.

 

“You _hugged_.” Jared states curtly, throwing daggers with his glare.

 

Jeff raises his eyebrows. “Yeah, so? You have one of those spying cams installed around the garden now? I thought you were at work, man.”

 

Jared doesn’t budge, only pouts more. “I just did some asking around.”

 

Jeff can’t take it anymore and laughs. “Oh, God. You’re unbelievable.” He says, wiping tears off his eyes. “Come on. It’s nothing. It’s just easier for him to lower his defensive walls around me. I am a nice guy after all.”

 

But Jared’s tone is still all warning when he says, “I’m in enough mess already with Jensen, Jeff. I’m not asking your help just to watch you add another problem into the mix.”

 

Jeff gapes at Jared’s ridiculous words. “Are you serious? You really think I’d try to take advantage of the situation and snatch away your man? Man, this whole angst has done some serious damage on your brain.”

 

“Wouldn’t be the first time if you do, you asshole.” Jared grunts with affectionate tone, looking a bit relaxed now.

 

Jeff rolls his eyes. “Give me a break. It wasn’t like you mind it at those times I did. You were practically itching to get them off your lap. I’m telling you man, you should’ve thanked me for cleaning your shit every time you got bored of whomever it was warming your bed at that time.”

 

“Oh, _of course_ , I should.” Jared retorts sarcastically. “After all, I was giving you easy pick ups all the time. All you have to do was just show up like a knight in shining armor and sweep those damsels in distress into your arms.” 

 

“Hey,” Jeff gives a fake offended look. “I simply offered a shoulder to cry on. It isn’t my fault if my shoulder is so broad that it can take more than one crying faces at once.”

 

“You’re such a hopeless jerk.” Jared shakes his head.

 

But Jeff just grins. “It takes one to know one, Jay. You should be ashamed for dumping them as you please, by the way. They’re actually nice once you really get to know them.” 

 

Jared nods, “Yeah, but they aren’t Jensen.” And Jeff goes silent at the blunt remark as he’s watching the shadow comes back on Jared’s face.

 

Jared wipes his face with his big hand, looking so tired and lost. “I’m really screwed now, Jeff. I don’t think he can forgive me after all this time. I’ve messed up both of us too much and hurt him too deeply. I just have no clue on what to do anymore.”

 

“Well, I’d say don’t give up too soon, Jay.” Jeff replies, trying to encourage his best friend. “If there’s anything I got from my conversation with Jensen was that he’s still pretty much in love with you.”

 

Jared gives him a bitter look. “Yeah, well, not wanting to sound arrogant, but I’ve pretty much figured that out by myself, thank you very much. But it looks like that said fact won’t do me much good, doesn’t it?”

 

“You just have to give him more time. He’ll get around it sooner or later, I’m sure.”

 

“But I don’t have much time left, Jeff.” Jared says, frustrated. “That’s why I called you. I just think that there’s no way for me to get to him for now.”

 

Jeff gives Jared a sympathetic gaze. “There are still a couple of weeks left. Don’t worry, Jay. I’ll try to stop by as often as I can. Just, give me some more time to knock some sense into his head. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. The kid had been through a lot, after all. But it’s not a Mission Impossible.” Jeff says. “We just need to have faith.”

 

Jared muses over Jeff’s words. Sighing, he knows Jeff is right. He just has to be patient. They can’t rush miracles anyway.

 

“What should I do while you’re playing mediator?” Jared asks, biting his lips.

 

Jeff shrugs. “I can only help as much, Jay. You need to figure that out by yourself.” Jeff points his finger to Jared in warning. “Just, don’t do anything stupid. For God’s sake, please refrain yourself from creating another mess, okay? I don’t know if I can help you anymore if you do.”

 

Jared nods blankly, wondering if it’s possible for him to fuck up the situation more than he already has.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

By the end of the third week, Jared can feel his relationship with Jensen has shifted into something better. Not exactly like how he wants it to be, _per se_ , but it’s definitely improving. Jensen’s treatment to him now is much more tolerable and even if Jared still expects more, he and Jensen are now unbelievably getting okay.

 

Maybe Jeff is right. Maybe it’s not a Mission Impossible after all.

 

Jared is still jealous as hell at the amount of time Jeff is spending with Jensen every day, but now Jensen is willing to respond his attempt of light conversation over their meal time without sending him killing glares. He no longer flinches every time Jared mentions the topic of their feelings towards each other. He doesn’t say anything to reply Jared’s heartfelt statement, but he doesn’t throw his usual spiteful and biting comments either. 

 

And the most important improvement is that Jensen no longer forces Jared to accept his ‘service’. It makes Jared relieved to no end. Because of all the attitudes Jensen was giving him, that one is torturing Jared the most.

 

Jared doesn’t know how Jeff’s doing it, but he seriously owes his best friend a whole lot for this. All of a sudden, days are becoming much brighter for Jared; each is filled with rising hopes and expectations.

 

Just like today, they both are having their breakfast together. Jared eats off of his plate while raking the inside of his head, trying to come up with a topic of a conversation that won’t make Jensen upset. But then Jensen -much to Jared’s surprise- lifts his head to look at Jared and asks, “Do you mind if I put some work into the garden? It’s almost fall, and I think some of the rose bushes could use a little trim.”

 

Jensen waits for Jared’s reply while the older man is just sitting there gaping, can’t seem to believe his ears. After long minutes, Jared has to bite his lips to hide his gleeful smile as he replies lightly, controlling his voice to keep him from sounding overly bliss. “Sure, go ahead. It is after all due to your hard work that the garden can be as beautiful as it is now, Jen.”

 

Jensen is blushing, softly muttering a thank you before resuming his breakfast. Jared feels like he can explode at any minute, all this joy swirling inside him. 

 

It seriously makes Jared want to jump off his chair and start dancing, and if Jeff is here right now, Jared’s pretty sure that the bastard will comment on how whipped he is. But Jared just doesn’t fucking care. Jensen is talking about prettying up the garden for the upcoming fall as if he’s thinking about staying longer. Not just for a month like the deal they have agreed on. It’s as if Jensen implying that he’ll stay. For good.

 

And Jared thinks that the assumption itself deserves a hell of celebration.

 

He needs to invite Jeff tonight for a drink, perhaps thanking him by giving him his tightest bear hug. But then he gets even a better idea. He’s not sure if it’s going to work but Jared knows he just has to give it a try. Even just imagining Jensen saying yes to what he’s going to ask is making Jared’s whole body thrum with excitement. 

 

“So, Jensen.” Jared starts cautiously, can’t help but feel wary at the possibility of Jensen’s rejection to his proposal. It’ll be fucking awkward --not to mention flattening his already bubbling spirit-- if it happens. “Tonight there’ll be a football match between Giants and Cowboys aired on TV. Jeff and I are planning to crash on the couch, and watch it. There’ll be couple bottles of beers involved in our plan, of course. And Jeff is bringing the pizza over. I remembered that together we used to be big fans of Giants. Would you like to join us?” Jared asks, trying to act casual. Actually, there hasn’t been such a plan made between him and Jeff. But he can always call Jeff right after this to make one.

 

Jensen stares at him with an unreadable gaze and Jared holds his breath, mentally crossing his fingers. Now that he had spurted out the question, it’s crazy how much he actually wants Jensen to agree on this. 

 

Jensen looks like he’s thinking it over, but then he smiles and shrugs. “Sure. It’ll be fun, I guess.” 

 

And that’s it.

 

Jared is officially elated now. He feels so light, and he grips his chair tightly or else he’s sure he’ll float at any second. He doesn’t even bother to keep his happiness subtle anymore. His grin is so wide that he can feel his jaw hurting but he just can’t stop grinning.

 

That bastard Jeff is better not be busy tonight or else Jared will make him regret it by throwing the biggest fit of his life.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jeff enters Padalecki’s family room that night --juggling 2 boxes of pizza in his hand-- just to be greeted with Jared who is standing near the couch with some bottles of beers in his grips and a smile so bright that it seems to lighten the room. 

 

“Stop smiling. You look like an idiot.” Jeff retorts, swallowing his own grin as he’s walking over to the couch and put the pizza box on the coffee table. 

 

“Say all you want, old man.” Jared replies, grinning even wider. “You can never bring me down tonight.”

 

Jeff rolls his eyes. Looking around, he asks. “Where’s Jensen?”

 

Jared is looking up from his peeking into the opened pizza box. “He’s still in his room, saying he’ll be down in a minute.” And then his forehead creases into a worried frown. “You don’t think he’ll cancel our plan tonight, do you? I mean, it has been a while since I buzzed him through intercom, but he still hasn’t showed up.”

 

Jeff shakes his head, amused. “He’ll be here. God, look at you. You’re so pathetic. I never knew you could be such a girl. Seriously Jared, you’re embarrassing me here.”

 

Jared blushes and grunts out a _shut up_ and _this is not a date, asshole_ but still the grin is back on his face.

 

Right at that moment, Jensen enters the room and Jared is blushing even more at the thought of Jensen hearing their ridiculous conversation. 

 

Jeff doesn’t miss that and lets out a chuckle. Jared gives him a glare before greeting Jensen with a warm smile. 

 

Jensen smiles back at Jared, giving Jeff a cheerful _Hi_ before slumping onto one of the single couches laid in the room. Jared swallows a disappointment at seeing that. He was expecting to sit on the same couch as Jensen, would have been even better if it turned out they sat side by side. But he guesses he has to be satisfied with Jensen sitting a little far from him.

 

Realizing the line of his thought, Jared cringes because Jeff is right. For God sake, he _does_ act like a girl. He needs to stop before he starts to look creepy and ruin the night.

 

It’s not an easy thing to do, though. His blood is buzzing with happiness and the way he feels so high reminds him of those times when he and Jeff tried out some weed out of curiosity on their high school rooftop building. Good times.

 

They’re all finally seated, he and Jeff crashing together on the long couch. Each of them is holding a bottle of beer in their hands as they watch the game begin on the screen.

 

The Dallas Cowboys Team members are running into the field and as the crowds in the field are cheering, Jeff gulps his beer with this smug expression and says, “There goes my boys. You two better get ready to see them kick your Giants’ asses tonight.”

 

Both Jared and Jensen stare incredulously at Jeff. Jeff shrugs under their gazes. “What? I’m a Texan boy after all.”

 

Jared snorts. “Really? After getting through all the trouble putting on all that hair gel on your hair and spending your money on flashy rides just to make yourself fit in with us New Yorkers, huh?”

 

Jensen laughs at that and Jared stares at him in awe. He can’t remember the last time he heard Jensen laughing so openly carefree like this, but now he just did that -out of the blue- only because of the joke Jared had casually said.

 

Jared knows it’s stupid but he can’t help it when his heart is bubbling with pride.

 

Jeff takes another gulp and grins, ignoring Jared’s mocking. “Well, what can I say, boys. A man’s heart will always return to where it belongs.”

 

Jared is just about to give Jeff another funny retorts, just for the sake of pulling out another laugh from Jensen, but at the same time the younger man is looking at him with this mischievous glint inside his green eyes and says, “Don’t worry, Jared. Let’s save our insults for later because Dallas Cowboys will surely be groveling in shame after they’re lost. Then _we_ can mock Jeff to death.”

 

As he watches Jensen grinning from ear to ear, Jared can hear the word _we_ playing again and again inside his head. Returning the same wide grin to Jensen, Jared slumps his back onto the couch, suddenly getting so pumped up with energy and feels like he can do just about anything right now.

 

“Alright, Jeff. You heard the man.” He says, bringing his bottle into his mouth and takes a gulp, feeling so relaxed and happy as the warm liquid starts to heat his insides. “Bring it on.”

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

The Giants won, of course. With the mood Jared is in now, there is no way he’ll run out of luck. 

 

Jeff is so dead.

 

So together with Jensen, he makes a fool out of Jeff until the older man’s ears turned red, claiming his defeat grudgingly in the end just to get both of them off his back. Jeff excuses himself with a grunt half an hour later and Jared is grinning and trading amused gazes with Jensen as they watch Jeff stumbling out of the room, looking a lot like a butthurt drunk.

 

It’s almost 4 in the morning and Jared thinks he’s drunk too. But he doubts that the alcohol he’d been drinking for the past hours is the single cause. His whole body is thrumming pleasantly and it’s like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulder. He feels so relaxed for the first time in weeks that he can’t help but feels a little sleepy.

 

But Jensen is still there on his couch, eyes watching the commercials on TV as he’s sipping his last drop of beer. And it dawns on Jared that there’s just the two of them here in the room now.

 

If anything, Jared can always spot a chance when it presents itself in front of his eyes. Quickly, he shakes his sleepiness away and rises up from his seat. 

 

“Hey,” He calls out cheerfully to Jensen. “Wanna help me clean up this mess?”

 

Jensen looks up to him. He says nothing, but he’s grinning and rises from his seat, grabbing all bottles he can reach off the table and then walks over to the kitchen.

 

Jared smiles to himself. He can’t remember the last time he felt _this_ good, he muses as he grabs his own share of bottles and follows Jensen.

 

“You had fun?” Jared asks after a while. They are standing in the kitchen; Jared is putting all the dirty dishes inside the washing machine while Jensen is trying to stuff the garbage can with more empty bottles. 

 

Jensen smiles. “Yep. More than I thought I would.” His face falls slightly as he continues, “It’s been a while since I pulled an all nighters with friends the way I just did with you and Jeff.” 

 

Jared frowns for a moment before his memory clicks in. _Right_ , Jared thinks, _Mike and Tom_. Of course Jensen misses them.

 

“Hey, why don’t we invite Mike and Tom over?” Jared says all of a sudden, hoping the idea will cheer Jensen up. “The three of you can have a little reunion over a dinner and if you want, I’ll leave you guys alone and work on some papers in my study.” 

 

Contrary to Jared’s expectation, Jensen’s face instantly loses all its color at hearing it. 

 

“ _No!_ ” Jensen responds sharply, fear is clear in his voice and he’s shaking his head in terror as he reiterates that one word. 

 

Jared quickly strides forward, putting comforting arms around Jensen who looks as though he might hyperventilate any second. “Jensen, what is it?” Jared’s face creases deeply in worry. “Calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay, Jen. I got you.” He leads Jensen back into the family room and makes him sit on the couch.

 

Jared is about to stand up to fetch a glass of water when he feels Jensen’s crushing grip on his arm. He looks down to see Jensen’s terrified expression, his green eyes wide and glistening with tears. 

 

“Please,” Jensen begs with a broken sound. “Please, promise me you will never let them know where I am. _Promise me, Jared._ ” The grip on Jared’s arm gets even tighter and Jared has to grit his teeth to bear the nearly crushing pain. 

 

He takes a seat next to Jensen. “Shhh… I promise, Jen. I promise. You have my word. Now please be calm, baby. Calm down, okay?” Jared uses his best soothing tone as he rubs Jensen’s shivering back gently.

 

The words take effect on Jensen instantly. Jared can see him trying so hard to control himself. Slowly, his grip on Jared loosens.

 

“That’s it, baby.” Jared encourages softly. “Take a deep breath. That’s it. There you go.”

 

Jensen needs a whole twenty minutes to finally calm down, harsh breathing gone and now he just looks so tired, physically and emotionally as he slumps on his seat. He has let go of his grip on Jared completely, but he doesn’t seem to mind Jared’s soothing hand on his back.

 

Jared waits for a few more minutes, afraid that what he’s going to ask might upset Jensen again. But the way Jensen is acting at the mere mention of inviting his two best friends over is bugging the hell of out of him. He really needs to know --to _understand_ \-- why Jensen reacted the way he did, because knowing how close the three of them were, Jared can’t seem to make sense on this situation.

 

“I don’t understand…” Jared says softly, carefully watching any of Jensen’s change of expression. “I’m sorry for bringing up the subject on Mike and Tom, Jen. It’s just that… you looked like you’re missing them very much back there in the kitchen. I just thought that maybe it’d make you happy to see them again.”

 

Jensen is silent for a moment, before looking up at Jared and smiling bitterly, slightly shaking his head. “I do miss them, Jared. But I think it’s better for us to stay apart.” Jensen says, eyes then flicking down. “After what happened, meeting me again won’t do us much good anyway.”

 

Jared frowns, visibly confused. “From what I gathered, you three are best friends, aren’t you? I don’t get it…”

 

Jensen’s face darkens all of a sudden. “I’m afraid.” The statement is short and sharp and Jared can hear Jensen’s voice trembling as he’s saying it. 

 

“I’m afraid, okay?” Jensen repeats with hardening expression. “I am no longer the same person they used to know and I don’t think they’d be thrilled to see what kind of person I have become.” 

 

Jared sees the earlier fear is back in Jensen’s eyes and feels like he’s starting to understand what is happening here. “Then how about Jeff?” Jared says after a while. “If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Jeff still stays? Doesn’t it make you wonder?”

 

Jensen looks away. “Jeff’s different.” He replies, whispering. 

 

“Elaborate _different_ , Jen.” Jared persists. “How the hell can he be any different from those friends you’ve been together with for years?” 

 

Jensen’s lips tightened and his eyes are back on Jared, glaring. Shaking his head stubbornly, he says with hints of anger visible in his expression. “You won’t understand, Jared. And I won’t try to make you. I’m simply asking you a favor and when you’re agreed to do it, I wasn’t expecting you to bitch about it after.” 

 

The sharp statement makes Jared go silent. Realizing how things will surely go south for him if this keeps up, Jared decides to change his tactic. 

 

“Jensen, look at me.” Jared says, choosing his tone carefully. “I’m not trying to preach you here. But l can see how much those two mean to you. I don’t know a lot about them, but I don’t think they’ll appreciate you hiding from them for the rest of your life, Jen. You’re afraid that they’ll hate you for all those things you did, I get that. But I firmly believe they aren’t that shallow. For God sake, you’ve sacrificed yourself to help them. There’s no way they’d turn their back on you after all of that.”

 

But Jensen says nothing, just looking down at his own entwined fingers. And Jared’s heart is clinched painfully --can’t help it when all the guilt he has been feeling for these past several months doubles up-- as he’s witnessing how Jensen looks so fragile and unsure about himself. 

 

“Listen,” Jared continues, trying hard to control his voice despite all the sadness and self hatred clutching his chest. “Sooner or later, they’ll figure it out, Jen. One day they’ll know that you’re back here, living with me. And you’ll have to prepare yourself to face them, no matter what will happen.”

 

And when Jensen suddenly looks up at that, creating this long silence stretched between them as he stares at Jared in a way that makes his stomach slowly churn with nausea, Jared seriously feels like fleeing out of the room. And for a reason he can’t yet grasp, he is hoping he would somehow go numb in any second just so he can’t hear or feel anything that might come his way. 

 

“But Jared,” Jensen calls out to him in the end, this time with a voice so soft --treading lightly-- and it only succeeds in making Jared feel worse --because he _knows_. He fucking knows what Jensen is going to say and it scares the hell out of him. 

 

Jared’s discomfort isn’t unobvious for Jensen, but he continues anyway, green eyes watching him carefully. “I won’t be here for long. _You know that_. We had a deal, remember? It’ll be just one more week before I’m leaving this house.”

 

Jared unconsciously grips the side of the couch so tightly that his knuckles go white. “ _No..._ ” He says loudly, trying to deny the whole thing. “But I thought… I thought that we’re fine now. I thought you’re finally willing to try to accept our fate together…” Jared stutters, only slightly noticing how the table has suddenly turned against him. 

 

Jensen’s expression is hardened at that, reprimanding Jared’s sentence sharply. “There’s no such _fate_ between us, Jared. There’ll never be. I thought I’ve cleared that out with you the whole time.”

 

“But we’re finally okay, Jen! After what feels so long, we’re finally okay… And you’re… You’re…“ Jared swallows hard, finding it difficult to speak as fresh memories for these last couple of days are flooding his muddled brain: Jensen’s smiling at him; their alliance against Jeff earlier that night; Jensen’s plan on putting some work into those rose bushes; every fucking thing happened that Jared had naively assumed --hoped-- to be improvements. 

 

To think now that they are all just illusions, Jared can feel all the burdens that once gone are back, crushing him even more with their unbearable weight. 

 

“… Why?” Jared croaks out the question weakly.

 

“You _know_ why.” Jensen replies, sounding as tired. “Look, I’m sorry if the way I play nice lately is giving you the wrong idea. I have my own reasons for that.” He gives Jared an apologetic look, his expression gloomy. “But I meant it when I said that we aren’t cut out for this, Jared. Despite how we both feel about each other, I won’t change my mind. At the end of next week, I’ll be gone. I’ll try to move on with my life and I’m seriously hoping you will do the same with yours.” 

 

Jared is restless now, speechless and frightened. And the fear gets even stronger when he sees Jensen visibly starting to create emotional gaps between himself and Jared and this whole situation they are in. The expression he has on his face is carefully blank now. Those green eyes looking at him with concern earlier have turned empty, and Jared swears it’s like Jensen is trying so hard not to get affected by Jared’s laid-bare misery.

 

“No, no…” Jared’s panic voice returns and he moves to grab Jensen’s shoulders, desperate in his effort to reach out to him. “You _can’t_ do this to me, Jen. It shouldn’t be like this, dammit!” He shouts, frustrated, almost losing control. Because even if the regret stays ( _it’ll always stay, Jared will make sure of that_ ), he is assuming that all of the other things will be ending pretty soon: the pain, the hurt, the useless self-beating, the hatred, and all of negative emotions that are surrounding both of them like a black cloud. He thought he had succeeded in crossing this seemingly endless bridge to get into Jensen’s heart.

 

But then Jensen said all these bullshit and suddenly they’re back to square one. Jared seriously thinks he has no energy left to face this mess all over again. 

 

The first two weeks he had spent on an unresponsive Jensen had drained him out almost completely. So when Jensen was starting to return his smiles, starting to accept what Jared had always wanted to offer, Jared had then carelessly stopped trying so hard. He had stupidly allowed himself to take a deep breath, fully savoring the moment and every single positive gesture Jensen was willing to share with him. He had been slacking off, thinking that probably his long lost happiness was _finally_ here. 

 

And now he’s terrified as hell that he won’t have enough time to catch up where he left off. 

 

“ _Please_ , Jensen.” Jared can hear how broken his voice sounded as he’s tightening his grips on Jensen. “Please believe in me. We’ll work it out, I swear to God. I’d do anything to make my amends to you. You just have to stop being stubborn and accept me.” Jared pleads, hoping his words are enough to move Jensen. 

 

Hell, he'll even take Jensen looking at him with pity if that means Jensen will change his mind and give him another chance.

 

But when Jensen still doesn’t say anything, Jared just can't take it anymore. He leans forward and the next thing he knows is his eyes shut tightly as his lips are touching Jensen's. 

 

It's gentle at first. Jared's tongue is caressing, coaxing, luring Jensen to part and give way. After a moment passes, Jared can feel the rush of thrilling excitement inside him as Jensen is finally giving in to his persuasion. Luscious lips are opened and responding beneath his infiltration. 

 

And the second their tongues mingle, it changes. All of a sudden Jared is wild, demanding, passion obvious in each lick and tangle. The heat surrounding both of them is burning, and Jared's closed eye-lids are fluttering, his whole body is raking with shiver at the sensation. Jared then deepens the kiss. Testing, treading, _questioning_ , all the while pouring all his heart out into it, hoping it'll convince this man in his arms to just let go and surrender.

 

But then Jensen is backing down. Jared can feel it in the way his body tenses suddenly inside his embrace; tongue stops moving; lips refusing to cooperate further. And suddenly it turns into a one way non-verbal communication. All of those in a matter of seconds. 

 

With dreading fear, Jared knows it's enough of an answer.

 

So the kiss shifts again. It’s pleading now, Jared is working his lips and tongue desperately; trying to do anything he can to prolong the moment. He refuses to let go, hoping it'll be just a momentary confusion on Jensen's part.

 

But minute passes, and still Jensen is freezing around his arms. He doesn't protest, doesn't push Jared away, yet his cold lips beneath Jared's feel even colder than he thought possible. They're stiff, and uncompromising. And when Jared opens his eyes, he can see how rigid those darkened green eyes are, confirming Jared that he is doing something useless. 

 

Jared really wants to cry when he finally pulls back, pushes himself to part his wet lips off of Jensen's in a very slow movement. He tries to scoot back a little and it feels like every cell in his body is screaming in sorrow at the loss of Jensen's body heat. The urge to lean back forward is so great that Jared finds himself swaying for a few seconds, his head starting to get dizzy. 

 

"Don't be fooled, Jared." He can hear Jensen talking in the midst of his haze, hints of warning clear in his slightly wavering voice. Then, to Jared's surprise, Jensen leans forward and places a chaste kiss on Jared's lips that sends out _the exact opposite messages_ from what Jared had tried to convey to Jensen with the same gesture before. 

 

Those lips that are pressing on his for just a few seconds taste a lot like separation and goodbye; anything but hope. 

 

" _That_ was just a kiss." Jensen says again, licking his trembling lips and retreats back to his place.

 

Feeling so helpless and weak, Jared blinks. It's difficult for him to see clearly when tears are pooling in his eyes.

 

No one says anything for a long time. But then Jensen lets out a sigh. "You've got to let me go, Jared." He whispers, head is shaking slowly. "I don't know if this is what you call ' _forgiving_ '. But I've decided to make peace with our past. I want to end all the pain here, once for all, and that's why I stop acting bitter. I want our last days together to be okay so that I can remember them with a smile on my face."

 

Jensen lifts one of his hands forward, long fingers slowly resting on Jared's jaw. The older man helplessly pressing his cheek onto the touch, leaning to it completely as if it can give him strength as he's staring into Jensen's eyes, watching woeful shades of hazel gazing back on him intensely. 

 

"But _that_ is all I can offer you." Jensen continues, smiling mournfully. "No matter what you do or say, you can't make me have faith in our future together. _I'm still going to leave_.” He makes sure to emphasize each word of that last sentence this time. 

 

Jared is sitting there, listening to every word Jensen is saying. And to his horror, Jared finds himself unable to respond to any of it.

 

“You’d be better off without me, Jared. I’m sure of that.” Jensen says after a while, nodding dolefully to himself with this unreadable expression. “So please, stop trying so hard and just try to live with it." He adds before pulling his hand back and rises up. 

 

This time, Jared can’t even bring himself to look up as Jensen walks out of the room and disappears behind the door.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jensen slams the door of his room shut behind him, breathing harshly and feeling like his chest is going to explode. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he slowly drags his feet towards the bed. He finally surrenders to the way his body loses all strength and falls heavily onto the soft comforter.

 

He closes his eyes, only to bat them open again when images of Jared’s pleading face suddenly flooding his brain.

 

Jensen had never seen Jared looking so desperate before. The way he kissed Jensen; the feel of his strong fingers gripping Jensen’s shoulders crushingly; the words he told him --all fine and pretty promises-- it’s just too fucking much. Jared’s dire need for Jensen was so transparent that it felt excruciating. Because once again, Jensen could feel himself reconsidering; imagining all the ‘ _what ifs_ ’ that could happen if only he’s willing to let himself go and reach out for Jared’s extended and opened hand. Once again, Jensen is terrified because for a few seconds back there, he actually found himself wanting to believe; to cast aside the fact that Jared can crush and burn him into piles of ashes; to act unrestrained like he just _doesn’t care anymore_.

 

Thank God Jensen had learned to know better. He had learned the difference between dream and reality after all. He had learned it the hard way. His past had taught him well that when it comes to him, heaven on earth can _never_ get that close. 

 

And so he made it. He survived the battle of wills that had just happened. But instead of feeling proud of himself, Jensen is desperately clutching his chest because it feels like his heart has been ripped out and right now there’s this dark and empty hole in its place. 

 

Jensen whimpers. Not sure whether the pain he’s feeling right now is real or it’s just his mind fucking him around. Nevertheless, all he can think of now is Jared, and Jared, and _Jared_. 

 

God, even when he’s trying so hard, Jensen could never dodge that one cold hard fact:

 

_He’s still madly in love with Jared._

 

At first, Jensen doesn’t get why --after all that happened and all the horrible things Jared had done to him-- he still acts like a fucking 13 year old girl when Jared is around. He doesn’t understand why it’s so easy for the man to influence him, infiltrating inside his head and his heart and refusing to come out.

 

But then this one afternoon, Jensen asked Jeff's opinion on this particular concern of his. 

 

Jeff went silent for a moment before finally telling him that perhaps what made him so hard to detach himself from Jared was the existence of their painful past. The effect of all those scars they both had been inflicting on each other was just too damn huge and letting the scars rot wouldn’t fix what had been broken inside them. So Jeff suggested that maybe he had to patch them up instead.

 

Jensen wrinkled his eyebrow the first time he heard the idea. But Jeff kept bringing up the topic in their next conversations and the more Jensen heard about it, the more it made sense in his head that perhaps the reason behind all his concern lays on his very own fault. 

 

Ever since Jensen was young, his world had been revolving around Jared. He was so used to Jared being the main part of his everyday life that even when Jared finally casted Jensen aside, there was never a day when the thought of him didn't occupy Jensen's mind. 

 

Of course, there were times when Jensen spent it with Mary, keeping her happy and smiling as he was doing everything he could to lessen her discomfort. There were times when Jensen spent it with his not-so-many friends, making pointless conversations just for the sake of escaping the loneliness. There were also times when Jensen spent it alone, trying his best to stay low at school and even lower at home to avoid unwanted attention. 

 

And _then_ , there were times when Jensen spent it with Thomas, gritting his teeth and shutting his eyes closed so he could numb himself from the feel of those disgusting touches.

 

But even through all of those, he knows he was still thinking about Jared. Memories of him still haunted Jensen on those few years of him living his life with Mike and Tom. And whenever he was with his clients, he couldn’t help but imagined that it was Jared's hand and Jared's mouth coaxing the pleasure out of him.

 

Jensen's life is totally an _umwelt_. His surrounding reality is confined, consisting only of himself and Jared and nobody else.

 

That pathetic fact alone should be enough reason for him to leave, because there would be no way for him to close those chapters of his life with Jared in them if he doesn’t. But God knows how many times Jensen had try to left this house, always bearing a heartache inside his heart, only to find himself returning again and again. 

 

It's like there's a very strong magnet --this _unfinished business_ he always had with Jared-- that keeps pulling him back every time and just wouldn't let go. 

 

That's why, he is determined to make it different this time. If he doesn't want the same thing happen each time he decides to leave everything behind, first thing he needs to do is to end everything nicely. Making peace to himself. Forgetting what he thought was unforgettable. 

 

So that when he's done, he'll finally be able to set off, starting anew and treading fresh memories, doesn't matter if he doubts it’ll be a brighter story. But the point is: he’ll be able to expand his world instead of being trapped in this endless loop of what is destined to be a doomed relationship. 

 

When Jensen shared this new revelation to Jeff, the older man's face turned gloomy and muttered that it wasn't what he meant when he gave Jensen the suggestion. Not at all.

 

Jensen kept forgetting whose side Jeff is on, so of course he ignored Jeff's objection. He is already dead set on this plan of his anyway. Although it turns out the side-effect it has on Jared is getting too overwhelming. 

 

Now Jensen should be really careful in executing his closure. He can’t lead Jared into having another kernel of false hope. Because then Jared will do things like what he did tonight, and Jensen can’t take risk of being swerved again. 

 

His strength of will has never been too solid when it comes to Jared after all.

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

_You have no idea how fragile I am_

_Just like a thin layer of frozen ice_

_A single soft touch would break me_

_Even when this imperfect love_

_Rushing all over me all at once_

_I want to let you know how fragile I am_

_You have no idea how fragile I am_

_Still can feel all the hurt in the past_

_That one time when I loved with all my heart_

_And I'm broken, and there's this scar_

_It makes me the way I am now, for eternity_

_Forever, I'll always be fragile_

_You want to show the world_

_That we're exist not just because of what we were_

_That there are hopes for a fresh start_

_You're offering me millions of dreams_

_But the memory never fades away_

_And I want you to know how fragile I am_

_You came just like rain_

_Drenching my dried up soul_

_But can't you see this pain?_

_And I'm broken, and there's this scar_

_It makes me the way I am now, for eternity_

_Forever, I'll always be fragile_

_(Joeniar Arif - Rapuh)_

 

 

**TBC**


	22. Chapter 20 Part 1

  
Author's notes:  
God, I painfully realized that it took me almost a YEAR and a half to finish this chapter. To tell the truth, in some points it got too much and I was all ready to dump this story away and move on. But your comments and PMs had greatly refrained me from doing so. It gave me spirit -more than I could ever imagine- to stop whining and instead wrecked my brain out to continue writing it. I'm really sorry for dragging it out too long, guys. I wasn't proud of it but I hope you all can forgive me and find this chapter suits your taste. I have to post this chapter in two parts since it's too big... ^^; Sorry for the inconvenience.  
I know I promised Hyukjae and Kangin's arrival on Choi's doorstep, but it turns out I have to save their appearance for another chapter, what with this chapter itself has been amount up to more than 15000 words. I never planned for this part to be so lengthy, but my fingers seemed like they had a mind of their own. LOL. Don't worry though. I believe it'll just be two more long chapters and I'll end this story for good. Writing this apparently has taken a huge toll on me and I need to think twice before starting to write another epic piece.  
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who has read this series up to this point. I am even more grateful to those who had left comments and encouragement for me to continue, despite my lack of response... T______T  
I hope you'll enjoy this!  
  


* * *

**Chapter 20 Part 1**

 

 

_Only the memories linger from the days we were together._

_Is erasing you the only way to go on living?_

_Memories spring up in my mind from the days we were together_

_Is sending you away the only way to go on living?_

_(Don’t go) Please don’t leave_

_(Don’t go) But I love you_

_(Don’t go) You will leave me all alone_

_Please, Please, Please_

_Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go_

_Stupidly I still live for you_

_Where are you?_

_I need you so much_

_Oh baby, my only one_

_Please stop and come back now_

_Just tell me this is a joke_

_Simply return to me_

_I wanted to live for you forever_

_In time I grow tired of meeting that love_

_As much as the pain_

_As much as the exhaustion_

_I erase you and try to forget_

_But there you are, still in my mind_

_I know you are hurting as much as I am_

_I know you are as tired as I am_

_Comeback to me_

_My unforgettable one_

_Please stop and come back now_

_Just like before,_

_Simply return to me_

(Brown Eyes - Gajima [Don't Leave])

 

 

Jared Padalecki always thinks of himself as a man with strong will and is capable of finding the appropriate (or sometimes inappropriate) means in order to get what he wants.

 

He also thinks of himself as a man who possesses great reasoning and immovable stubbornness, difficult to unhinge and is proud of it.

 

So even though Jared spent most of last night sitting on the edge of his bed and staring blankly at the wall, feeling helpless and lost and desperate, he woke up this morning with a firm decision: he will never, _ever_ , give up.

 

This isn’t the end yet. And even if it takes his last breath away, he refuses to allow this to be the end.

 

Jensen will have to give Jared many more blows than he already had to make him finally raise the white flag and back away.

 

Jared doesn’t want to think about this certain possibility, but even if the worst happen when he runs out of time and has to watch Jensen’s back as he walks away from this house and from him, he certainly won’t just stand still and do nothing.

 

Contacting Mr. Gray had been the first thing Jared did this morning. And as usual, Mr. Gray was listening carefully as Jared told him his detailed requests. 

 

Keeping an eye on Jensen while he’s still here living his so-called last days in the house will be like a walk in the park for the old detective. But once Jensen has packed his bag and leaves, that’s when things will surely get a little tricky. Jensen is after all has this troublesome talent to disappear off the face of the earth when he wants it, as Jared can attest to by experience. So he emphasizes to Mr. Gray that he must do everything in his power to keep track of Jensen, using any means available, so that he can report back to Jared with the Jensen’s exact location and let Jared do the rest of the work. 

 

Jared’s perfectly aware that he’s planning to break his own promise, but he just doesn’t care anymore. No matter what he does, Jensen just fails to see what Jared has in mind for both of them and the thought makes him sigh. Jensen has been through a lot of suffering because of what Jared had done and he is just being cautious for his own good, Jared painfully gets that. After all, Jared has the same fear. The thought of him one day putting a hurt look on Jensen’s face once again like he had many times before has always succeed in hitting him with a nauseous wave. Life has never been predictable after all. But Jared refuses to abandon his feelings for Jensen (not that he can even if he wants to) just because of some paranoid ideas. It’ll be stupid and cowardly and Jared likes to think he is above all that. If only Jensen knows that things had never been easy for Jared too, then the younger man might be able to bring himself to forgive Jared and give both of them another chance.

 

And just like that, a thought clicks in his mind. Jared lays back on his chair, mulling over the thought carefully, slowly extricating a plan. By the time he’s done, there’s a determined look is on his face as he reaches for the phone and dials Jeff’s number. 

 

If he wants this plan to at least have a chance of succeeding, he’ll need all the time he can get alone with Jensen. That said, he has to get Jeff out of the picture.

 

The jerk will bitch, of course. But he’ll comply. He doesn’t want Jensen to leave too and he’s already at the end of his wits, having gotten a full taste of Jensen’s stubbornness. If his plan had been different, Jared is sure he can always use Jeff’s favor. 

 

But what he has in mind is a game for two. And it’s only he and Jensen who can play it. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jensen wipes the sweat running down along his jaw with the back of his hand before sighing as he finishes trimming the last rose bush. Jeff isn’t coming today, just like he wasn’t yesterday. Judging from his grim tone through the phone as he was complaining to Jensen about the work load he had to finish before the end of this week, Jensen knows he won’t be able to come to visit on the next few days too. 

 

And it sucks, that’s what this is, because Jensen can really use some friendly conversation right now to distract his own mind from all these thoughts running around inside his head. 

 

It’s going to be just less than a week left before Jensen packs his bag and leaves this house, for good this time. And he’ll miss Jeff for sure. Jeff is a newly-found friend whose existence somehow has become very important in Jensen’s life. Jensen doesn’t know how, but Jeff understands him. And for someone whose life is complicated like Jensen, understanding is a golden value. 

 

The train of thought brings Jared’s particular question that night to fleet inside Jensen’s mind.

 

_If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Jeff still stays?_

 

Jensen smiles bitterly as he packs up gardening tools scattered on the ground around him. Even if Jensen can find words to answer that question, he still thinks Jared won’t be able to understand. 

 

Jeff is a laid back guy, easy going. He is someone whose job has allowed him to see enough of this world to know that lots of things aren’t how they supposed to be sometimes; to understand that shit happens, leading him to try to accept all the odds trailing behind. No matter how bizarre they may be.

 

But Tom and Mike are different. They’re just normal country boys, trying to live their hard life to the fullest without letting their principles and prides go down the drain. Tom goes to church every Sunday and even when he always has to drag an annoyed Mike along with him everytime, Jensen had seen Mike enough times slipping inside confession chamber and coming out all red and puffy eyed. Their horrible past of dealing with gay bashing and the fact that their own parents disowned them right after they decided to come out of the closet had caused both of them to protect their pride like crazy. Mike told him one night that no matter what happens, he would never, ever, let another person degrade him again for being himself. 

 

Jensen can still remember that time when the bar had to be shut down temporarily due to recession; three of them were left jobless without their usual steady pay for a few months. They had to tighten their belts, scraping any part-time job they could get, including distributing flyers for a night club to pedestrians -hunching in the biting cold on the side of the street as they distributed them. That was when this guy --all sleek suit and expensive leather shoes-- approached Tom and proposed him a simple fuck and pay. The next thing Jensen saw was a furious Mike rushing past him towards the guy and in just a few seconds, his expensive suit already ruined when Mike slammed him down onto the pavement. Mike hovered above his lying body and pinned him as he continued to deliver punch after punch onto his face long after the guy stopped wriggling. 

 

It took both Jensen and Tom to drag Mike away, still furiously yelling at the unconscious and thoroughly beaten guy beneath him. A crowd was forming around them and all of a sudden they were so terrified someone had called the police that the three of them fled from the scene as fast as they could. 

 

Later, when they were in the safety of their own apartment, Tom slapped Mike across the cheek so hard with his trembling hand that Jensen could see Mike staggering back down a bit. But Tom’s enraged question of ‘ _what the hell was it you think you were doing, you fucking moron?!_ ’ was met with a heated gaze and a stubborn stance. Mike’s voice was hoarse yet determined when he said after a moment, “We are indeed _fags_ , Tommy. There were times when I get beaten down just for trying to hold your hands, and I could deal with that. But nobody, _nobody_ , can call us whore and just walk away because that’s a whole new level of insult that I can never tolerate. No matter what difficulties we have to put up with, at the very least, we still hold on to our dignity, even when there’s only a little shred of it.”

 

The memory of Tom’s eyes brimming with tears after, still in shock but silently agreeing to those statements is enough to make Jensen cringes. 

 

No, Jared will never understand why keeping that particular dark side of his life to Tom and Mike is so important for Jensen; to make sure they will never know what he’d done or else, he’d lose the remaining people in his life and Jensen won’t be able to live with that. 

 

Even the fact that by doing this means he can’t afford to see them both again, at least it’s an enough knowing that they both will still be out there somewhere, missing him and loving him and remembering him as the same person he was instead of hating him for what he has become.

 

“I forgot how beautiful this garden could be when somebody actually pays attention to it.” 

 

Startled, Jensen looks up and sees Jared standing across him and his heart involuntarily skips a beat. It’s the first time he sees Jared after that night. He seems to be avoiding him since Jensen kept finding himself having his meals alone in the dining room. And to tell the truth, Jensen can’t help but feel a little sad at the lack of Jared’s presence. 

 

Along with his looming departure from the house, lately Jensen somehow feels the dire need to see Jared’s face, to hear his loving words to Jensen said from across the dinner table and his throaty laugh. He wants to have enough time to map out all of Jared in a way he had never been able to before. There used to be just horrible and painful memories. There used to be just Jared’s glare, and his cold hatred, and his stabbing words. But now Jensen wants to savor the sight of Jared in this new light: the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he always looks at Jensen as if they’re the only two people in this whole wide world. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or it’s just nothing but Jensen’s imagination, Jensen needs to soak up every single of Jared’s loving gesture because soon those memories will be the only thing he can ever have. It’ll be the only thoughts that will occupy his mind on each upcoming night when the loneliness gets too much and he can no longer pretend that he has moved on. In those moments, his only choice will be to retract those tiny fragments of Jared out of his memory; trying to make himself believe the woven lie and fantasy that he was, once, _loved_.

 

Shaking the thought off his head, Jensen forces himself to focus on the older man in front of him. 

 

“They look good.” Jared nods toward the rose bushes Jensen is currently working on, his gaze showing sincere appreciation and Jensen feels his cheeks gets a little warmer. 

 

Jensen smiles a bit and mumbles, “Thanks.” 

 

Jared smiles back and for a moment there’s no word traded between them as he’s just watching Jensen’s scrambling to finish clearing away his gardening tools. 

 

“So,” Jared says lightly when Jensen is finally on his feet. “I take it you’re done here?”

 

Jensen stares at him, “... Yeah.” Looking around, he shrugs his shoulders. “I have planned to plant more roses. There’re still some more seeds left back in the shed. But I think I’ll just get to it tomorrow.”

 

“Great. So now might be a perfect time to ask you a favor.” Jared replies with a smile, looks nervous.

 

“What favor?”

 

Jared shrugs. “Well, I’ve thought about what you said the other night. And... to tell the truth I still don’t want you to go. But I realize that things have changed now. So I have to change too. I can’t --shouldn’t-- stop you from doing what you want anymore.” Jared takes one step closer, eyes kind but sharp as he stares at Jensen. “But that also means, before you finally leave, I still have time and you can’t stop me from still trying to fight for you, Jen. You understand that, don’t you?” 

 

Jensen doesn’t answer, just stares back at Jared with a carefully blank expression -almost defensive- and it makes Jared sigh. “Look, all I’m asking is for you to sit right there on that bench with me and listen as I’m telling you some stories. Will that be okay with you?”

 

Jensen glances at the direction of the said bench and looks back at Jared with an eyebrow cocked up, voice wary. “That’s it? You just want me to listen to your stories?” 

 

Jared nods, trying to give Jensen an assuring smile. His hands gesture openly as he says, “I swear that is it. I only need you to be my audience.”

 

And that’s how Jensen finally finds himself sitting on one of the garden’s benches, Jared beside him. The wooden seat feels warm from friendly heat of the sun. Occasionally, gentle breezy wind blows and Jensen watches with weird sense of calmness as it strokes Jared’s curls along with each slow gust. 

 

Jensen counts to five before clearing his throat and asks, “Alright, we’re seating. What story you’re going to tell me?”

 

Jared doesn’t answer right away, instead his lips quirk into a small smile. He looks ahead of him and another blow of wind strokes his hair again. Only after a while then he turns his gaze to Jensen, still smiling and his eyes are twinkling with amusement. 

 

“Do you still remember that first time I taught you how to play piano?”

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

_They had only become brothers for two months, but Jared found himself getting along really well with Jensen within a surprisingly short time. Jensen started to tail behind him everywhere Jared went, got along with Jared’s friends with ease, and absorbed every rule of cool games Jared taught him so quickly that Jared couldn’t help but felt proud when together they aced most of those games against other children._

_Jensen was a fun companion to be with and the way he looked at Jared sometimes as if Jared was his hero always succeeded in making Jared’s inside glow with warmth. So no, Jared had never minded Jensen’s presence alongside him. Not even when one night the rain poured down so heavily outside and Jared found Jensen standing in front of his bedroom door clutching on to his blanket, flinching each time a sound of thunder booming from above the house. He ended up sleeping with Jensen that night on his bed, patting Jensen’s trembling back in his effort to comfort him. They often shared a bed ever since and it was strange as Jared soon realized that somehow he had never dreamed of that dream again where he woke up in the middle of the night and walked along the house’s hall with tears streaked on his face, only to find nobody anywhere._

_Jared had never thought the idea of having a little brother would actually be pretty cool. But the moments he spent with Jensen made everything seem so much better in Jared’s life._

_Take tonight for example. Jared was having a pretty rough day at school. Some of his schoolmates who thought of him as a dangerous competitor in their efforts to reach the peak of popularity had spent the whole afternoon teasing and laughing at him at the fact that Jared ‘had no mommy’._

_That particular prank wasn’t new to Jared. He had heard it enough times growing up. But that didn’t mean he’d been immune to the effect it caused. The other kids knew it and it made him an easy target._

_Of course, Jared missed his mother. Even though he couldn’t remember what she looked like except from a piece of her photograph his father had given him a few years ago. Jared knew his father had given him that so he would stop asking questions about his mother. He knew, but he didn’t stop at first. Until he was old enough to understand the stiffened expression his father had on his face each time he asked a question about her was a sign of him being uncomfortable. His father had been through enough anyway and he had done so many things to make sure Jared was fully loved, even when he only had a dad in his life._

_So yes, Jared missed his mother every now and then. But in this kind of situation, Jared found himself missing his mother the most. The emptiness and lacking of feminine fingers caressing his hair; the absence of a soft voice calling out his name had then gotten to him in the worst way, leaving him sadder than ever._

_Every time, he would do the only thing he could to make those bad emotions disappear. He’d play the piano, a certain song which --according to his father-- his mother used to like. It didn’t help much, but each time Jared played the song he would imagine that his mother was beside him, humming along to music created by his fingers on the keys. Jared always felt slightly better after._

_As he was playing, he suddenly noticed Jensen across the room, staring at him. Jared kept on playing as Jensen took a few steps forward to approach him. Once close, Jensen didn’t say anything, just standing awkwardly beside the piano. But he was clearly listening to Jared’s play with interest. And in Jared’s mind, his mother was there, staring at Jensen with a question in her eyes._

 

That’s Jensen, Mother. He’s my new baby brother. _Jared imagined himself saying those words to her. But as always his mother didn’t answer. Jared couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like and even in his most desperate imagination, Jared could never bring her out to say anything. It always felt like it would do an injustice for his mother to replace her true forgotten voice with any other one Jared had in mind._

_Feeling another wave of sadness, Jared shook that thought away and focused on his playing instead. Jensen patiently waited until he finished the last note before cocking his head to the side, eyes staring intently at Jared’s face._

_“You seem sad.” He said abruptly._

_“I am.” Jared answered, not even bothered to lie._

_Jensen was silent for a while, before turning his attention to the piano. “It was beautiful, Jared.” He said and then --at Jared’s questioning gaze-- quickly added. “You playing, I mean.” Another pause, and. “Can you teach me how to do that?”_

_Jared stared calculatingly at Jensen. Jared had never taught anyone how to play piano before, but his brother looked genuinely interested and teaching him might work as a diversion from the sadness he was feeling. So he shrugged and scooted over to give Jensen space to sit on the bench. “Sure. Come here.”_

_Jensen’s face lit up and Jared swallowed a smile. Jensen was always so easy to please. Jared wished he could be like that all the time. That way, he wouldn’t be bothered by those kids again, no matter what they said about his mother._

_As soon as Jensen took his seat, Jared hovered his fingers above the piano keys. “Watch and try to imitate me once you get the moves, okay, Jen?”_

_Jensen’s forehead suddenly creased in worry and doubt, nervously licking his lower lips. So Jared nudged him with his shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. It isn’t as easy as it looks. But I’m sure you can do it.”_

_Jensen looked at Jared for a beat before returning his smile. Then Jared started playing slowly to make sure Jensen could catch every note. After a moment, Jensen’s hesitating fingers raised to press the piano keys too, his eyes flicked back and forth from Jared’s fingers to his own in order to make sure he played right._

_As they were playing together --Jared’s fingers swiftly moving along to press key after key in a slow tempo while Jensen’s were stuttering in his best effort to imitate alongside him-- Jared couldn’t help but notice how Jensen’s hands were so small compared to him even though both of them were only a few years different in age, and that fondness towards his brother was there again, glowing inside him, making him smile all the way through their practice._

_He repeated his actions for a few times until Jensen could play the song along quite well with him. Like always, Jensen was pretty quick in catching up and Jared couldn’t help but feel proud, already feeling much better about himself._

_Later on, when they were in Jared’s room trying to pass the time by re-reading Jared’s old comic books, Jensen stared at him and asked, “Jared, why are you still looking sad?”_

_So then Jared told him everything, trying hard to hold back tears as he did that because crying in front of your baby brother was totally uncool._

_When Jared was done, Jensen looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking in a sincere tone. “I could share my mom with you. She also likes to play with my hair and her touch is very gentle. You’ll like it. I’m sure she’ll play with yours too if you ask. She often bakes me delicious cookies, too. A cake, if it’s my birthday. When’s your birthday? We should ask her to bake you a cake on that day.”_

_And those strings of sentences touched Jared in so many ways. Because a mother is precious for every child, yet Jensen didn’t mind to share his with him. Jared wasn’t sure he could do the same if he was in Jensen’s shoes. If his mom was still around, he would cling to her, never let go and wouldn’t let her out of his sight, let alone share it with another kid. At that moment, Jared had this strong urge to hug Jensen tightly just so Jensen would know how much he appreciated his offer. But it’ll be kind of weird. Even his father had stopped hugging him once he was old enough to tie his own shoelaces. So Jared gave Jensen his widest smile instead. His throat felt clogged up and it made his voice hoarse as he said, “Yeah, I’d like that.”_

_Jensen returned his smile; concern had been erased from his face as he saw Jared’s face lit up. And a minute later, they were already involved in a heated discussion on how to persuade Mary to bake cookies for all of Jared’s classmates so they would see how wrong they were to think that Jared was different for having no mother to love him._

_Ever since that day, Jared had never been bothered by the other kid’s continuous jeering on his mother, because Jared knew he was no longer lack of anything. He had a caring father who was always there to guide him whenever he was lost, a sweet and gentle Mary who baked him a delicious cake on his birthday and caressed his hair with her soft touch, and a cool baby brother who was willing to give anything to him._

_He was complete._

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

“I’ve never had a chance to express my gratitude on your generous offer that day.” Jared says after he ends his story, turning to stare at Jensen with gentle gaze. “You must know how much it meant to me when you said that I can have Mary as my mother too. Really, thank you so much, Jen.” 

 

Jensen doesn’t answer, still trying to deal with the surprise and all the conflicting emotions swirling inside him from listening to Jared’s story. 

 

“I was hoping for a fairy tale, or at least a joke, Jared.” Jensen tries to say something lightly after clearing his throat. “I never thought it’ll be some kind of history re-telling, that story of yours.” 

 

Jared ducks his head down, smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. It just seems to me that there are too many speculations and assumptions lying around in our past, and I feel like I have to straighten things up a bit. You know, so there’ll be no more misunderstandings.” Jared‘s tone goes slightly lower and more serious in the last sentence.

 

Jensen finds himself nodding at that, unconsciously agreeing to what Jared said. He can feel Jared’s warm hand on his shoulder as he’s patting him before rising up to stand.

 

“That’s it for today, then.” Jared states, and Jensen’s face slowly lifts up to look at him. “I have to go now. There are some things I have to take care at the office. I guess I won’t be home in time for dinner, so just go on and eat without me, okay?”

 

Jensen nods again; eyes following as Jared walks away towards the house. But then Jared halts and turns around and Jensen can see his eyes staring deeply into his own as he says, “I’ll wait here on the same bench same time tomorrow, Jensen. I still have some more stories left to tell and I really hope you won’t mind listening to them again.”

 

It takes a full minute for Jensen to mumble an _Okay_ and when he finally does, Jared offers him a thankful smile before turning back and resuming his walk.

 

The sun has started to set down and its reddened bursts of light illuminates the garden beautifully. The wind that was blowing breezily earlier has turned colder and as Jensen wraps his arms around his own body against the chilly air starting to surround him, he thinks it’s weird because somehow, somewhere inside his heart feels warmer than ever. 

 

 

\---00o00---

 

 

Jared has been sitting on the same bench when Jensen steps into the garden the next day. It looks like he wasn’t joking when he said it’d be the same place and the same time. Jensen feels a little hesitant at first, but he keeps on walking. Once he stops next to the bench, he can see Jared’s face lighting up, looking so relieved to see him. Jensen doesn’t blame him for doubting whether Jensen will come to keep the promise they made yesterday. 

 

After all, up until fifteen minutes ago, he himself wasn’t sure either. 

 

But he’s here now, and he has to admit he’s a little bit curious on what story Jared will share with him this time; which part of their history he’s going to re-tell. 

 

Sitting down next to him, Jensen takes a deep breath and says, “Alright, you can start now.”

 

Jared grins at that. “Okay.” He replies, and then clearing his throat. “This particular story is kind of embarrassing for me. But I really need you to hear it. So I hope it’s okay.” Jared looks abashed and Jensen gulps down, wondering if he still wants to hear the story now that Jared had given him such warning. But Jared doesn’t wait for his answer because he then leans his back onto the bench, eyes looking upfront, and begins.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

_Jared was totally bored out of his mind at the moment. His father was at work, while Mom went shopping with some of her friends straightly after she dropped off Jensen to his friend’s birthday party, leaving Jared alone at home with nothing to do because Jensen wouldn’t be home for until at least another hour._

_He didn’t know how he had managed to become so dependent like this. He wasn’t like this before. Jared used to be fully capable of having fun on his own. He was once a single child, for God sake. And even though he had a bunch of friends who were only a phone call away, he usually preferred to do everything alone back then and he enjoyed it._

_But now without Jensen beside him, he couldn’t have a good time. It was like there was something missing and Jared would find everything he did was useless and a big waste of time._

_Jared wasn’t really complaining on this change in his life though. Jensen was so much fun to be around and even if they did fight every now and then (Jensen could seriously be a smart mouth sometimes), they would make up at the end of the day and got themselves re-attached to each other’s hips again. Jared didn’t care even when his friends had accused him of having a serious brother complex, especially after Jared succeeded in convincing them to take Jensen along whenever they hung out. Besides, despite their constant bitching, Jared knew deep down they liked Jensen too. Who wouldn’t?_

_Anyway, Jared had completely run out of ideas on how to pass the time. He’d tried watching TV for a boring fifteen minutes, tried making his favorite peanut sandwich snack and then savoring it slowly but overall it only took ten minutes of his time, tried playing video games but Jared was in the middle of tag-team playing with Jensen and he couldn’t move on to the next stage if Jensen didn’t play his part. He’d called his friends, telling them to come over but most of them weren’t home and for those who were, couldn’t go out unless they wanted their mothers to kill them for going out while grounded._

_So it wasn’t really strange when Jared finally found himself hunching over his laptop as he was sitting on his bed, browsing for porn. It was sometimes amusing to watch a burly man pounding into a writhing and screaming woman beneath him. And if Jared was lucky and concentrated enough, maybe he would get hard this time and then he could spend the next few minutes jerking off. Though Jared seriously doubted it would happen._

_Most of the times, Jared didn’t get why general porn or pictures of beautiful topless (and sometimes, bottomless) woman couldn’t do what it did to his other male friends: reducing them to drooling idiots with tenting pants._

_And at those few times he did, he pretended he still didn’t get it so that he could elude the possibility of a serious teenager crisis happening to him._

_After all, he was still 14 years old. It could just be one of those transitional period bullshits. Every teenager went through it somehow. So he figured he would too. One day. Surely._

_Something caught his eyes, and he clicked that link titled ‘Hottest Kiss Ever’. It turned out it was a link to a video posted on one of those whatever-Tube sites, and it wasn’t even porn. Instead, what the video was showing to Jared at the moment was completely new to him. It was a scene of two guys, who looked like they were only in their teens, having a little bit of cheesy banter and then ended up kissing each other passionately for a full five minutes._

_And Jared was conflicted because he knew what this was called. It was called gay -or faggot as it was referred by his friends, or homosexual as it was stated in that Guidance Book on Sexuality his school had given out to students last semester- and there was a part of his conscience that went berserk, telling him to close the webpage and continue looking for some more ‘normal’ video to watch. But then, there was also this part of him deep inside --a part that he always tried to keep discreet from other’s acknowledgement, a part which he himself always refused to acknowledge-- which was transfixed by the way those men’s tongues mingling with each other and it felt like the heat surrounding those actors’ bodies was floating through the screen and into Jared’s, pooling below his stomach. With horror, Jared realized he had become hard within the fastest period of time he could ever remember, and it was only from watching a kissing scene between two young men._

_Feeling panicked all of a sudden, Jared’s hand quickly moved over the mouse to click the webpage close. He took a deep breath, trying to control himself. And that was when his bedroom door swung open and Jensen entered, still wearing his outdoor jacket. Jared’s breath was hitched as his eyes met Jensen’s green ones._

_“Hey, Jared.” Jensen said cheerfully, oblivious to Jared’s little situation. “Guess what, mom brought us pizza for dinner. It’s cheese and pepperoni, our favorite. She told you to come down because Dad would be home in any minute now and we have to get ready for dinner.”_

_Jared didn’t replied, not trusting his own voice enough to speak. At that, Jensen’s forehead was creased. “Are you alright?”_

_Jared nodded. Looking around, he quickly fished out a pillow nearby and used it to cover his lap, hoping to God Jensen wouldn’t notice how he had become even harder than before at the sight of him._

 

God, what is wrong with him?!

 

_Jensen didn’t notice, but to Jared’s fear he stepped closer towards the bed with a worried look on his face. “Jared? Your face is red. Are you sure you’re okay? Should I call Mom up here to have a look at you?”_

_“No! I’m okay, Jen!” Jared yelled, finally lost his composure from increasing fear and panic that was hitting him with every step Jensen took. “For God’s sake, I heard you. Can’t you just leave me alone for a minute?”_

_Jensen stopped dead on his track; he seemed to be taken aback by the sudden harshness in Jared’s voice. Jared knew it must have shocked him, because Jared had never raised his voice to him before. His father never had done that to him and that was how Jared was raised so Jensen was used to him speaking gently._

_Jensen’s expression changed from concern to confusion and then to a kind of hurt. “Oh... Okay.” He stuttered, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he took a few steps back and Jared had this urge to punch himself. “I’m... I’m sorry. I’ll just wait for you downstairs, then.” He said, giving Jared a weak smile. And before Jared had a chance to say anything, he had turned back and disappeared behind the closed door._

_Jared sat there staring blankly in the silence of his room, wondering how a simple and half-hearted browsing of porn could end up like this and whether Jensen would be willing to let go of what just happened if Jared apologized to him later after dinner._

_Jensen probably would forgive him. He could never stay mad at Jared for long, though it was the first time for this kind of thing happened between them._

_A painful throbbing on his crotch jerked Jared out of his thought and he groaned, hesitantly reaching his hand down to slip under his pants and began to stroke himself earnestly._

_A few minutes passed but Jared found his cock was still as hard as ever even after he quickened his pace. He thought of giving up, knowing that he could always change to his bigger shirt to cover his hard-on before coming down to have dinner. Besides, he really wanted to get Jensen alone with him somewhere as soon as possible so he could apologize and made sure that the sad and hurting look Jensen had on his face earlier had been erased completely off his brother’s face._

_But then, something even worse happened._

_At the thought of Jensen, Jared’s cock gave these interested twitches under his stroking hand and before Jared knew it, he moaned loudly as an orgasm caught him off guard and he was coming all over the inside of his pants._

_For a moment, the room was filled only with the sound of Jared’s labored breathing, until he was finally able to find his own voice and mumbled in confusion, “What the fuck?”_

_Later that night, Jared talked to Jensen --apologizing and trying to make him believe that Jared was only having a bad mood earlier-- which resulted in him earning Jensen’s usual warm happy smile and an instant acceptance of his apology. But Jared was still lying on his bed long after midnight before it was quite clear he wouldn’t be able to get to rest at all._

_He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what had happened earlier, trying to guess every possible meaning behind it. And so far, Jared didn’t quite like what his brain had come up with. Because if any of those ideas his mind had suggested was true, then Jared seriously feared of what would become of him in the future._

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Jensen realizes he is blushing, and he knows Jared can see it clearly too from where he’s seated beside him. 

 

“Sorry.” Jared says, hands brushing his hair awkwardly but Jensen can hear a smile in his voice. “I’ve told you it’d be one embarrassing story.” 

 

Jensen wants to say something back, but his mind is still reeling a little bit from everything that he just heard. He had indeed remembered that moment. In fact it is one of his Jared-related memories that are kind of sticking out. Because like what Jared had told him, it was the first time Jared got mad at him, and he can still remember very well how sad and down it made him feel. But right now, to hear that there is that kind of side to the story he had never known before, Jensen feels so weird. It’s like this heavy weight he’s carrying around inside him for all this time has lighten a little. 

 

“You know,” Jared suddenly speaks, keeping his gaze forward. “That time --when I was watching that video-- I believe that was the very first time I realized, fully realized, about my sexuality. Though the realization that you were the one I love only dawned on me a little bit later.” Jared pauses and grins. “But... I guess that’ll be another story.” 

 

Jensen’s heart beat faster at the last statement. The temperature around him suddenly feels warmer as he can see with the corner of his eyes that Jared is now staring at him. 

 

“Listen, Jen.” Jared says after a while. Gathering enough courage, Jensen turned to stare back at him. Their eyes meet and Jensen allows himself to savor this moment, trying to remember every details of the way Jared looking at him right now: full of love and adulation, and it’s so gentle that Jensen has to hold back his hand with all his might from reaching up and touch Jared’s cheek. He’s pretty sure this’ll be a great memory of Jared among the many other stashes and this particular memory alone will be able to get him passes cold and lonely nights long enough in the future.

 

“After you hear that story, I hope now you’ve understood that it was already you even from the beginning.” Jared continues with voice full of emotions. “ _It has always been you._ ”

 

And as he was staring at Jared’s gentle gaze at him, once again Jensen can feel this heavy weight in his chest lightening just a little bit more at hearing those words. 

 

 

Continued on Part 2  
  



	23. Chapter 20 Part 2

  
Author's notes:  
Here's Part 2... :)  
I hope you'll enjoy this!  
  


* * *

**Chapter 20 Part 2**

The next day, Jensen makes Jared patiently wait for him to finish planting all the rose seeds he can find in the shed, clearing all the tools after, washing his mudded hands clean, and taking a deep breath to prepare himself mentally before finally taking a seat next to Jared, ready to hear another story.

It’s funny how he and Jared sit together on this very bench day after day. Jensen doesn’t even hesitate to agree to do this. Perhaps it’s because at the end of each day, after the night falls and Jensen is in his bed, he is filled with wondering thoughts that for once aren’t that repulsive to think about.

He doesn’t believe it at first, but hearing Jared’s story makes him feel a little better about himself and Jensen kind of likes it. It’s been too long since he tried to remember the old days and didn’t end up cringing or fighting to hold back tears. Instead, now each and every memory of those dark times is like an exciting riddle for Jensen to figure out. He will pull out a fragment of those and he’ll spend hours trying to come up with _what actually happened_ at that time, from Jared’s point of view. What exactly had Jared _actually_ done or thought when things were starting to fall apart between them. It is thrilling to try to look back into their past in a better point of view where Jared was not actually hating him with all his guts, but instead was just simply falling helplessly in love with Jensen.

Jensen pulls himself out of his thought to stare at Jared and frowns at the sight of him looking so tense and without his usual smile.

“Jared, are you okay?” Jensen asks, Jared blinks, before looking back at Jensen and it’s clear that he is worried about something.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Jared replies quickly, offering Jensen his usual smile.

“No, you’re not.” Jensen says. “What is it?”

Jared stares down at his tightly entwined fingers. “Nothing. It’s just that this story I am going to tell you isn’t exactly a happy one. And to tell the truth, I’m a bit reluctant to share it with you because I don’t want to make you upset or anything after hearing it.”

Jensen goes silent for a while at that, feeling braver than ever when he finally says, “Why don’t you just hit me with it and we can see about me being upset later?”

Jared stares at him. “Yeah,” He mutters after long minutes pass, his tone lower than before and a small smile stretched over his lips. “Yeah, sure.”

And that’s how he begins his story.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_Jared knew he shouldn’t be doing this kind of thing anymore. He was already in his second year of high school and he should’ve passed this phase a long time ago: this brother bonding and Jensen tagging along with him everywhere he went._

_But he was enjoying this, and Jensen wasn’t complaining. And the fact that being with Jensen all the time made his heart feel warm all over didn’t help. So things were still pretty much the same after all these years._

_Jared was gay and he never had any interest whatsoever on women. Surprisingly, Jared had embraced this side of him quickly enough. No struggle, not much of self-denial and the next thing he knew was he already jumped into this newly found identity with both feet, though not without secrecy involved. His family was nowhere near ready, and Jared was smart enough to know that this fact was for his knowledge only, at least for now._

_But the realization that he fell in love with his own stepbrother took a while to settle inside his head. He had had his fair share of fighting it, telling himself that it was just a simple sibling admiration and all those bullshit. But when his nights were filled with dreams of him and Jensen together, leaving him to wake up every morning with damp, wet briefs and racing breaths, Jared finally gave into that side of him too._

_Jensen was of course as clueless as ever to notice how Jared always took each chance available to be all over him, shamelessly taking advantage of their close relationship. Sure, Jared found himself afraid occasionally, wondering how Jensen would feel about him if he finally knew. But that didn’t stop him from tackling Jensen onto the couch over remote while he was reveling at the way his hands were touching Jensen’s warm and soft skin. That didn’t stop him from hugging Jensen anytime the occasion allowed him. That didn’t stop him from having even wilder dreams of Jensen writhing beneath him on his bed. That didn’t stop him from dreaming and hoping that somehow, someway, he’ll find a way to make things work out between him and Jensen. And it certainly didn’t stop him from trying to make Jensen’s world consisted of him and him only, eliminating every chance of Jensen getting closer to one of his female friends whom to Jared’s annoyance seemed to be all over his baby brother._

_And Jared had never thought twice of doing those things, never had any doubt or self-questioning at the way he selfishly hogged Jensen all the time. Not until today._

_They were slumping together side by side on the couch, watching some football rerun on TV. It was their usual Friday night. Moreover, they were too tired to go somewhere to spend the night out after their swimming session this afternoon._

_Jensen had his feet on Jared’s lap, hogging a bucket of ice cream in his hands and it was all Jared could do to watch Jensen’s red lips licking his spoon over and over again. Jared was pretty sure he would be having one of those intense wet dreams again tonight. But hey, he wasn’t complaining._

_“I met Lisa Harts today on my way to supermarket.” Jensen said casually, as always, completely oblivious to Jared’s hungry stare that was set on him._

_“Yeah?” Jared responded absentmindedly, too distracted by the sight of Jensen’s tongue to try and remember who the hell this Lisa Hart was._

_“Yep. You don’t remember her? She used to be our neighbor across the street before she and her family moved to Chicago. Apparently, they’re moving back into town, found a great house for sale near Richardson’s and there she was, on her way to shop for groceries for their housewarming party.”_

_Jared’s forehead was frowned a bit as he was digging further into his brain, trying to pull Lisa Hart out of his childhood memories. “Ah, yes.” Jared finally nodded, grinning. “I remembered her. She was that girl who always tried to kick all the neighborhood’s boys’ asses, right? She never had ours though. We’re way too good for her.”_

_Jensen laughed at that. “Yeah, we were. But... she turns out to be a pretty decent girl now, you know? Now she looks like one of those cheerleader girls that keep buzzing around you all the time at school. I mean, all mini skirts and long blonde hair, but minus the mean attitude.” Jensen said, eyes staring playfully at Jared. “She’s quite nice, I’m sure you’ll agree once you get to see her again.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean, you brat?” Jared pasted a smile on his lips despite a strange feeling suddenly fleeted inside him at hearing Jensen’s meaningful words._

_Jensen shrugged, suddenly looked serious. “Nothing. It’s just that... Mom said it’s about time for you to get a girlfriend and lose your virginity or something like that, and she’s a bit worried that you haven’t gotten any.”_

_Jared saw a true concern on Jensen’s expression and he laughed, couldn’t help it for all the irony on this situation. Jensen looked at him questioningly and Jared lifted his hand. “Sorry. But you should tell Mary that she doesn’t have to worry about that.” Jared wiped a tear off his eyes from laughing too hard. “I just haven’t found an interest in having a girlfriend and all. It seems too much of a bother right now.”_

_Jensen tilted his head to the side. “But is there really no girl out there that caught your eyes?”_

_Jared fell silent at the question. The throbbing pain from hearing something like that coming out of Jensen’s mouth made Jared said something stupid that he knew for sure he’d regret later: “I don’t really care about girls.”_

_As soon as those words got out, Jared was this close to punch himself out. But Jensen was just sitting there, looking puzzled yet oblivious as ever, clearly because he didn’t catch any hidden meaning behind what Jared had said. It should’ve made Jared feel relieved, but instead it annoyed the hell out of him._

_“What about you?” Jared asked through gritted teeth, deep down he was not quite sure if allowing his temper controlling his reasons like what he was doing right now was a smart thing to do. It wasn’t like he wanted Jensen to find out about his feelings, but at times, Jensen’s cluelessness could really get to him. “Do you find girls interesting enough? Do you want to get a ‘girlfriend’ just so you can have someone to hold hands or date with?”_

_Jensen looked like he was taken aback by the question. For a minute, his head was frowning as he thought of the answer. “Actually, I don’t know yet.” Jensen finally said, shrugging. “Right now, for me girls are just a bunch of squealing, gossiping creatures. But ever since I’m a little boy, I’ve been dreaming about having a nice family around and even though I’ve already had one right now,” Jensen glanced at Jared and smiled warmly. “I think it’s a great idea to make another one myself later. So I guess one day I’ll find a girl to marry and just settle down. I know that’s what Mom’s hoping for. It surely will make her happy and that will be enough.”_

_And just like that, Jared’s eyes opened up to the real situation laid before him. He could feel his heart breaking in two and the pain suddenly escalated so much that it felt as if it was clenching his insides. Jensen’s string of words had finally made him realize something: Jensen was not the only clueless person in this .He was too._

_For Jared to think that somehow his feelings for Jensen could get some resolution in the end was completely stupid. They were brothers, and to top it off, they were both men. Their family was a respectable one. His proud father would never accept the fact that his eldest son was gay. Jared would surely end up doing one thing he’d never wanted to do to his father: disappoint him. Mary would be broken hearted at that too, especially if by doing so Jared would succeed in dragging Jensen down into having the same preference as he had. And now that he had seriously thought it over, Jensen was always crazy about family. He wouldn’t even consider returning Jared’s love, and even if he would, it’d only be based on his kindness and the fact that he would never do anything to hurt Jared. If that happened, Jared could never forgive himself; because it’ll mean that his selfishness would become the sole reason in making Jensen lose everything meaningful for him._

_It dawned on Jared now that there were just too many obstacles, too much impossibility, too much things at stake for him to go on with his feelings and hope for Jensen. So from that day onwards, Jared had decided to make some changes in his life. He had never meant for things to spiral down to what it had then become, but he was left with no choice since things didn’t go down as he had planned. At first all he did was trying to erase the feelings he had for Jensen. He knew it’d be hard, but by the end of the third month, he realized that it was downright impossible. Jensen was still the same as he would ever be: looking up to Jared so much, maintaining his crystal clear wish to always be pampered and close to Jared as he always was. It took all of Jared’s strength to prevent his mind from going wild while Jensen was clinging to him in the worst possible way, as oblivious as he was before to Jared’s situation. It then inevitably led Jared to move things up a notch. He started to create some distance away from Jensen. Just a bit at first, but Jared couldn’t help it as it was getting more and more stretched as time went by, to the point of him fleeing the room each time Jensen came around._

_It hurt. And Jared knew Jensen was hurt too. Every time he backed away whenever things got too friendly between both of them, Jared could feel his heart constricted by the pain. Seeing Jensen’s saddened face worsened him. Along the years, no matter how he always had tried his best not to, he could not miss the dark sadness clouding Jensen’s eyes as he was watching Jared with hopeful yet questioning stare. Sometimes, Jared came so close to telling Jensen the truth, the reason why he had been doing what he was doing. But then Jensen’s words about wanting to marry a girl one day and settle down flashed into his mind, along with the disappointed face of his father and Mary’s betrayed look. Those were always enough to keep his mouth shut and looked away._

_Unbearable as it was, Jared had to do this. It was the only way they could stay as a family, just like how Jensen wanted them to be._

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The sun is almost set by the time Jared ends his story. One of the maids has turned the garden lights on, and the shade both from those and the sun is creating soft golden glow emanating all over garden’s grounds. This particular sight is one of Jensen’s favorite views, actually. But at the moment, his heart is pounding too much for him to take any notice, let alone to bask in it.

This one story turns out to be a little bit different from others he had heard before. After the first two times Jensen could always feel a flow of warmth spreading through his insides. Hearing previous stories is like going through a detoxification. It frees him, even if just a bit, from all those ever-increasing pain and remorse gathered throughout the years of his life. But this story causes nothing of the sort. It’s like a pointy dagger which sole purpose is stabbing -precisely and repeatedly- on an old wound that has yet to be healed even after all this time, and Jensen is struggling to control his emotions.

Jensen doesn’t even realize the way his fingers gripping the side of the bench hard, but Jared can see it clearly through his glances. Sighing, Jared feels a growing desire to beat himself to death. He knew already that it would be too painful for Jensen to hear what he had just told. Hell, it even pained himself. But despite all the casualties, it’s crucial for Jensen to know the truth. And after years of keeping it to himself, Jared owes it to his past self – _and to Jensen_ \-- to finally set the story right.

A long moment of silence passes before Jensen finally opens his mouth. “I guess I _did_ talk a lot about wanting a family back then, didn’t I?” His voice is hoarse with a hint of grim humor.

Jared doesn’t know how to respond to that statement, so he just whispers a short _yes_ as he watches a sad smile slowly spreading on Jensen’s face.

Hearing that one word coming out of Jared’s mouth -his tone filled with despair and lethargy- makes Jensen feels familiar warmth spreading his insides. Suddenly, Jensen understands what Jared is trying to say to him through this particular story. Jared isn’t lying when he said that the sole reason he had done everything he did back then was for Jensen’s happiness. No more and no less. It was all Jared could do, even when every part of him had never wanted to do it in the first place, and Jensen realizes that he can’t really blame Jared for that. He would have done the same if he was in Jared’s shoes. The thought makes Jensen wants to cry, because now he knows that when he thought he was suffering alone, it turned out Jared was feeling the same pain, if not longer and much worse than what Jensen had felt.

Jensen finally can see now why Jared is doing this. There are so many wounds when it comes to their past together, and apparently Jared is trying to patch them, one story at a time. And Jensen will be lying if he says it doesn’t work, because it does.

The problem is, along with the realization is the knowledge that Jared is hoping for him to change his mind about leaving. It will be fine if the idea hasn’t crossed Jensen’s mind after listening to those stories, but now Jensen is seriously wondering what it would be like if he decides to stay. There’s this growing happiness from knowing that all this time, when it comes to the relationship between the two of them, Jared is feeling the same way and is sharing the same pain he bears throughout his life. But then again, it collides with his fear and painful traumas that’s still haunting him. If he opens his heart again this time and get hurt in the end, Jensen knows he will die from a broken heart.

Jensen can feel a headache coming on. There are just too many things jumbled up inside his head and it makes him feels dizzy and scared. Gritting his teeth, Jensen quickly rises up from his seat. “I’m sorry.” Jensen feels flustered. “I don’t feel well. I think I’ll go back to my room for now.” And without looking back, Jensen strides towards the house, leaving Jared who’s watching him with remorse clouding his eyes.  


\---00o00----

 

Despite the way he felt the last time, Jensen finds himself sitting next to Jared on the same bench the next afternoon.

Jared had asked him this morning if he was alright through the intercom and Jensen knew Jared was worried for he didn’t come down to have dinner last night. Jensen told Jared ( _and himself_ ) that he was okay but both of them knew better than that. It was only after Jensen came out of his room at midday that he found out Jared had left a message for him through one of the maids before he left for the office, saying that he’d wait for Jensen at the garden at same time as yesterday.

Jensen knows that for his own sake he should have said no to that invitation. He should have told Jared to just shut up and bring his sob story somewhere else where Jensen can’t hear it.

But in the end here he is. Jared is clearly surprised when he saw Jensen step foot onto the garden. After the way Jensen reacted yesterday, Jared must have assumed Jensen will never agree to this kind of thing anymore. Hell, that was also what Jensen had had in mind at first. However, Jensen finds himself unable to resist, because it is their stories. They’re part of Jensen’s memories too and each word coming out of Jared’s mouth is like a piece of puzzle that completes the whole picture of both of their life. A whole picture that used to be blank and mysterious in so many spots inside Jensen’s mind that trying to remember it used to make Jensen feels lost and broken. And isn’t this what he has been wanting for all this time?

A closure. An explanation.

Now that he gets it, he can’t stop himself from hoarding it. Each time he does, it’s chipping away his worthlessness bit by bit and it feels good. Too good.

All his life, Jensen had always put aside _or_ was forced to give up his wants, his desires, his _happiness_. He’s also used to think carefully before doing each of his acts, knowing that whatever he does, there will be a chance it might cause another bout of misery for him. But this thing that he feels right now, somehow he is reluctant to let it go. This time, he wants to be selfish and careless. He needs to. Perhaps, it’s the one last good thing that’ll ever happen to him and Jensen decides to cling onto it, as long as he can. Considering the day he’ll be leaving this house is getting nearer, it won’t be that long anyway.

So Jensen braces himself and comes to the garden, ignoring Jared’s penetrating gaze on him as he takes his seat, ready to listen to whatever it is Jared’s going to tell him.

“Don’t you have a story to tell?” He asks after a while, turning his head to look at Jared who is just sitting there, watching him without saying anything.

Jared blinks, once, twice, before diverting his gaze forward and clearing his throat. It’s after another long pause when finally Jared opens his mouth. “Do you remember my first summer holiday away from campus?”

It’s now Jensen’s turn to blink. There is a sudden pang in his heart at memories of that certain period floating in his head as result from hearing Jared’s question. Jensen lets out a grim chuckle, feels kind of disappointed that Jared decides to tell him that particular story. “So you’re going to tell me about that one? Seriously?”

“Don’t you want me to?” Jared shoots back, eyes on Jensen.

Jensen watches Jared’s clearly determined expression before shrugging, careful to keep hurt from showing on his face. “I just think there isn’t much story behind what happened that time, is it?”

“No, Jen. _Everything_ was more than how it was at that time.”

Jensen shuts his eyes tightly. Already, he can feel the mixed emotions intensifying inside him. He folds his hands around his body before sighing and says in a resigned voice. “Fine. Tell me how it actually was then.”

  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_This was horrible. Jared had been through so much just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face this kind of situation anymore._

_He didn’t know what kind of reaction Jensen was having at this, but after years of barely talking to each other, Jared had assumed that maybe Jensen would be pleased with the whole thing, which made it all the more worse for Jared._

_If he could, he would’ve said no to Mary’s request and happily spent his time at his dorm for the whole summer holiday instead, just like he had always done before. He was already in the end of his third year in university after all. He had gained enough popularity and groups of friends --not to mention flings-- that he was certain he wouldn’t have had a hard time looking for something (or someone) fun to do. But even as a growing teenager in his first year of high school, Jensen was still considered a minor and Mary was reluctant to leave Jensen alone without any family around while she and Jared’s dad went out of town for Mary’s treatment. It would be awesome if Jensen could tag along with them, but alas, Jensen had decided to take extra classes for summer. Thus, here was Jared, expected to babysit his baby brother/object of his wet dreams/the man he still pretty much loved and had been avoiding for almost four years now._

_It was only for one week, and Jared had made it through the first two days without making any meaningful contact with Jensen. He hung out at various clubs at night and went home in the morning to sleep his days away. However, Mary found out and scolded him through phone for not taking his responsibilities of taking care of his brother seriously. For the sake of not making her health worsen due to worry, Jared had apologized and promised her that he’d stay home for the rest of the week. Bound by his own words and having nowhere to escape the situation at hand, Jared was certain the next few days would be a total disaster. He could feel it strongly in his guts. Jensen, it seemed, had noticed that Jared was spending his nights at home instead of going out like he used to so Jared wouldn’t be surprised if there was a knock on his room’s door anytime now. He wasn’t so much of expecting it as dreading for it to happen. He knew Jensen was waiting for an opportunity to talk to him in his effort to rekindle their bond, and it looked like he would finally have his chance._

_Jared didn’t like the possibility of that. Not one bit. He really wished Jensen could leave things the way they were. Even when Jared knew that Jensen had no idea of the reason behind Jared avoiding him the way he did, but if Jensen could just accept it and moved on, it would do both of them good. But apparently his brother was nowhere near ready to put it past them, and Jared knew exactly what Jensen had wanted to talk to him about. In the end, the question ‘why’ would come out, and Jared wouldn’t be able to answer it truthfully without making all of his sacrifice for all this time went to waste._

_That was why for each day he spent at home, Jared would pass it by sleeping while Jensen was going to his cramp classes. At night, he would invite one of his fuck buddies to stay over and he made sure Jensen was aware of it, just so Jensen would leave him alone._

_Jared wasn’t proud for doing it. But the fear building up inside him had left him no choice but to stoop so low._

_It was indeed the first time for Jared to take a man home even when it had already been a year since Jared told his family that he was gay. Mary had been very understanding while Jared couldn’t quite get Jensen’s reaction. He was clearly surprised to hear that, but he didn’t say anything about it even until now. On the other hand, his dad had made a big fuss over it for months, and despite feeling sorry for disappointing his father, Jared had stood his ground. In the end, the high tide was over and Jared’s dad looked like he had made peace with the reality that his oldest son was gay._

_All in all, Jared could safely tell himself that he had done everything he could to avoid turning the summer break into a major catastrophe like what he had feared from the start._

_But apparently his plan was proven to be totally ineffective against Jensen’s stubborn nature. Jared had hoped Jensen would have enough sense to play along with his scheme, but sometimes his baby brother just didn’t know when to let go. And Jared was driven to the corner._

_It was the sixth night. There was just one more day before their parents returned from their trip, and Jared would soon be freed from all this mess. Jared was at the end of his wits and he couldn’t wait to go back to his dorm life even though he had admitted that --even with all the fun and the flings-- he always felt empty and hollow there. After all, nowhere in this world was good enough for Jared ever since he left Jensen’s side. But hands down, Jared much preferred feeling empty and hollow rather than all these emotions inside him when Jensen was around. In this state, even looking at Jensen was simply too much for Jared. It made Jared wanted to reach out for him, to take a chance and get everything he had ever wanted. He wanted to do it so badly and it was suffocating, because he knew he couldn’t afford to waver now. Not after all this time._

_Jared really wished he could make Jensen understand how important it was for things to stay just as they were. But he couldn’t, and now Jensen was standing there across the room where Jared was currently in the middle of a heavy make-out session with this guy whose name he couldn’t even remember. Jared could see Jensen’s eyes were going wider while he was watching the guy --who obviously hadn’t realized that they had an audience standing behind him-- planting kisses all over Jared’s nape. Jared was beyond surprised, and he wanted to tell the guy on top of him to stop and just fucking get off, but he didn’t. Instead, he was just laying there on the couch and stared back at those green eyes. Jared wondered what brought Jensen out of his room tonight. He knew Jared kept bringing random people home at night and he usually stayed out of Jared’s way. But perhaps Jensen too, was aware that their parents would come back tomorrow night and decided to seize his last opportunity, no matter what._

_If that was true, Jensen hadn’t said a word about it. For a long minute, it went on like a cheap show in a stripper joint where Jared played his part as the exotic dancer at the center of the stage while Jensen was the voyeur with the unreadable gaze. It was uncomfortable to say the least and Jared was about to tell the guy to stop when Jensen cleared his throat and finally said something while averting his gaze to the other side of the room._

_“Jared, I need to have a word with you.”_

_Jared watched in amusement as the guy on top of him jerked up at hearing Jensen’s voice, turning his head behind his shoulders quickly and letting out a squeaky sound when he saw Jensen there. “What the fuck...?!” He muttered while scrambling to get off of Jared. But Jared stopped him from doing so by holding him with his strong arms, wordlessly telling him to stay where he was. The guy stared at him, confused, and Jared noticed Jensen had the same puzzled gaze thrown at him._

_Jared was ignoring both of them as he used one of his hands to sneak inside the guy’s shirt and gently ran his fingers along the skin beneath. The guy shivered at the touch. “Jared...” The guy whispered between his teeth. “What the hell are you doing?”_

_Jared answered him with a smirk, his fingers found one of the guy’s nipples and he flicked it once, causing the guy’s body to jerk unconsciously, accompanied by a held back moan. When Jared talked, his words were directed to Jensen who was watching the whole scene in disbelief. “I’m busy, Jen. Can’t you tell?”_

_Even if Jared’s voice was a bit shaken, Jensen didn’t seem to notice. It took a few seconds, but anger was eventually shown in those green eyes, and Jensen clenched his jaws as he spoke. “I can see that, Jared. But would you mind taking your brain off your dick for just a moment and come out to talk with me?”_

The time is running out, _was what Jensen didn’t say out loud, but Jared can hear it reverberating in the air anyway._

_Jared didn’t budge though. The guy threw his head back, ecstatic at the feel of Jared’s touch all over his torso, and Jared accepted the silent invitation, craning his head up a bit to lick along that slender neck. Jared felt relieved as this guy seemed to have decided to follow along Jared’s scheme, whatever it was, and had thrown his worry and embarrassment out of the window. As if on cue, he started to grind his hips on Jared’s lap, and Jared had to bite back a growl threatening to come out at the way his dick responded to the treatment._

_It was horrifying when Jared noticed how turned on he was. Jared was no newbie when it comes to foreplay, but it usually took more than a fucking hips-grinding to get his dick interested enough. This time though, Jensen was right there, watching him as he was focusing his mind on trying to make another man squirming on his lap, and fuck if that gaze didn’t fan his burning lust and made his skin crawl with excitement. It was so fucked up, so twisted... so wrong, yet so arousing at the same time. Jared had never hated himself more than he did at the moment. Disgust filled his stomach, and Jared felt exactly like that one time when he fucked a guy senseless in the middle of bad hangover._

_Except that this felt worse._

_“Go away, Jen.” Jared retorted, those words coming out harsher and with a tone much lower than he meant to but Jared didn’t care. He’d end up hurting Jensen more than he already had if Jensen didn’t get his ass out of the room quickly because Jensen wanted to have a fucking conversation and there was no way in hell Jared would allow that to happen._

_Jared could sense Jensen’s desperation at hearing his answer. His shoulder sagged, and he lifted one of his hands to rub his eyes in a defeated manner. “ Please...Jared, just a word...” His voice was breaking now, almost hoarse, and Jared’s inside clenched tightly at hearing it. “You’ll be gone tomorrow and there’ll be no more chance for us to do this.”_

_A sharp ache from his jaw didn’t stop Jared from grinding his teeth. His hands reached down in one swift movement and even though his ears were slowly deafened by the mad thumping of his heart, Jared could still hear both Jensen and the guy on top of him gasped out breath almost in unison as the sound of his zipper being pulled down was echoing through the room._

_Jensen sounded frantic now, and scared. For one second Jared wondered if that was a sob he heard coming from the younger man’s mouth._

_“Jared, God.” Jensen stuttered, already took one step back away from where he was standing firmly before. “Please, I just....”_

_Yeah, it was definitely a sob._

_“I just need to understand... It’s painful like this and I just want to know why!” Jensen nearly yelled the last sentence out, shutting his eyes closed tightly to prevent himself from further watching the scene in front of him. But Jared kept acting like he paid no heed nor heard a word Jensen had said._

_Jared slipped a hand beneath his pants, letting his throbbing member out in the open with such velocity. The guy on top of him took his time to drag his eyes from the freed cock up to Jared’s hard gaze, looking like he was torn up between either wanting to smack some sense into Jared’s head or pleading for permission to just go down already and suck the hell out of the man._

_The guy knew what kind of game Jared was playing with his step-brother. He fully understood that he was just an icing on the cake here. However if someone asked him, he’d definitely say it was a messed up situation. He didn’t quite get why Jared had bothered to do it in the first place. Hell, that cute brother of his only demanded a conversation, didn’t he? So why the hell was Jared getting so hell bent to avoid that simple request? Judging from all those jaw-clenching and pain-filled eyes he could see on Jared’s face, he could sense that no matter which side won, Jared would end up losing anyway. But hell, it got him hotter than any foreplay and he didn’t want to end it by complaining. It had been a long time since he had a mind-blowing fuck, and he bet all his money that he’d experience one soon tonight if he just shut his mouth and tag along the scenario Jared had set up._

_“Jared...” Jensen looked like he had no more clue as to what he could say that would make Jared listen. Tears were threatening to fall off those green eyes but he still stood there, swaying, and not for the first time, Jared cursed Jensen’s stubborn nature._

_It seemed Jensen left him no choice. With his heart so heavy he found it difficult to breathe, Jared laid down on his back, trying to control the trembling in his voice as he looked deep into the guy’s eyes and barked, “Suck me.”_

_Everything moved in slow motion in Jared’s eyes. The guy moved and a moment later Jared could feel a ghost of hot breath over his cock, followed by a flick of tongue. Jared swallowed hard and threw his head back onto the couch’s hand rest, the corner of his eyes was watching as Jensen was frozen on his feet for what felt like forever before finally,_ finally _, turning back and left the room with his head down and his fists clenching on his sides._

_Jared lifted one of his hands to cover his face. Despite taking what could have been one of the wildest blow job he had ever gotten, Jared’s whole body felt numb and he wasn’t at all surprised when a trickle of tears left his eyes, flowing down along his cheeks and dripped onto the soft cushion below._

_Even for a man, this kind of pain would surely be accompanied with a cry. It was unavoidable. After all, it did hurt_ that _much._

_For many years to come, that was the last Jensen had ever come to him in search of an answer._

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jensen dug his fists, trying to breathe as innumerable emotions raging inside him. It is almost too much and he shut his eyes closed tightly to tone it down. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Jared sitting there with his head down, his hands intertwining tightly, and uncomfortable silence is surrounding both of them heavily.

“See, I told you everything was more than how it was at that time...” Jared says after a while with a hint of dark humor in his voice. Only after he hears no reply coming from Jensen’s stiff figure then Jared sighs and lifts his hand to rub his temple in a defeated gesture.

“I’m sorry, Jen.... For everything, I really am...”

It sounds almost like a whisper, but those words are echoing inside Jensen’s head nonetheless. The younger man grits his teeth, waiting in dread to feel the usual desires to just get up and out of this place, presumably to hide inside his room and weep for hours. But it never comes. Instead, it is like he’s nailed to where he’s sitting, can’t and _won’t_ move away from Jared for even an inch.

Because for some reason, this story Jared told him have finally pushed a trigger, it finally succeeds on making something shift deep inside of Jensen. Something he thought he could never feel again after everything that had happened, something that had been so long buried and locked in so tightly. He doesn’t know which one of these emotions that snaps at his core and flicks it open, but whatever it is inside is now out and is going berserk, messing him up until he no longer knows what to do.

Perhaps it’s the endless new points of view to some darkest moments in his life that keeps dawning on him from listening to Jared’s stories, or maybe it’s the regret, or it might as well be the realization which he knows is always there but never had a chance to take on. Either way, he can no longer deny it now. In the blink of an eye, it has become as clear as day for him that this thing between him and Jared doesn’t always have to be so hard and painful, if only both of them are willing to let go of the past and just seize the moment. Well, Jared surely has seized it. And now Jensen feels kind of stupid as he is trying to digest a newfound fact that maybe, after all of his fucking preach to Jared to just let go of the past and move on, it is Jensen himself who hasn’t been ready to do so.

Jensen sighs. _Well, isn’t this peachy?_ He wonders if his mind can choose a better timing to change its course on this whole Jared topic. It will only be one more day before he leaves this place and gets on with his life, but Jensen should have known that God or any powerful entity up there has never made things go as he plans it. Things have always turn messy with a bang in Jensen’s life, and to his reluctant amusement, this resignation he is feeling might be a sign that he has gotten used to it.

Jensen chuckles softly and turns to look carefully at Jared. The older man seems to be conflicted enough with his own feeling, fails to sense whatever mental alteration that is shifting and growing inside Jensen, but Jensen studies him thoroughly nonetheless. To his surprise, what he now feels is kind of liberating. His eyes are taking sight of Jared’s forlorn figure, and before he knows it, his mind is already playing different kind of scenes he had never dared before to imagine, running endless possibilities he had never allowed himself to even think about before. The result made his heart thump like crazy, his stomach is doing simultaneous flip flops and for once, the fear that usually accompanies such thought isn’t there to make his brain stop these things it does. Or perhaps the fear is still there, but is smothered over by these overwhelming excitement and challenging ‘what ifs’ that has gone wild once Jensen is stripped off of all his usual inhibitions.

It’s exhilarating, yet horrifying at the same time and Jensen grips the fabric of his pants tightly as he tries to control himself or else he’s sure he’ll be hyperventilated soon from all the rush.

Now that it all has come to this, Jensen needs to say something to Jared, and to do so, he needs to be calm. He won’t get his point across if he says it with a quivering voice and trembling hands or madly beating hearts. He needs to sound okay so Jared will understand that he means it. All of it.

Jensen fully realizes that it’ll be like opening the gate to a secret place in him that once forbidden for Jared to enter. No doubt, there’d be more questions ensue coming from the older man. Though, if there’s still something he isn’t quite sure of, it’ll be the answers to those questions. But Jensen decides to go with the flow and not wasting the moment. After all, this is the most courageous and confident he has ever been. Somehow it empowers him, making his heart feels so light like it never had for so long. It makes him feel he can do anything and all of a sudden happiness doesn’t seem to be too farfetched now. In short, it feels so fucking amazing that instead of being a stuck up like he used to be whenever this kind of desire comes up, Jensen allows himself to be carried away this time.

“I guess at this point, both of us were never at fault...” Jensen starts, eyes looking forward, hoping he’ll find it in him to say all the right words. “Somehow, life had fucked us up, even when all we did was caring too much about one another.”

Jared slowly lifts his head to stare at Jensen. His eyes are widening with disbelief, and even without looking Jensen can sense how Jared’s once crushed hope is coming back to life. Jensen takes a deep breath, encouraging himself to continue and ignore all the cautions and warnings that’s starting to go rampant in his head. He smiles bitterly, “Seriously, all this time, what have we done to ourselves, Jared?”

“Jensen...” Jared whispers his name while holding down breath; as if afraid the whole thing will be just another illusion.

Jensen turns and looks at him in the eye, can’t help it when tears start to gather and blur his vision, no matter how much he’s struggling not to crack. “I believe it’s enough now..., isn’t it? Let’s stop hurting each other...” His voice is trembling, his breath stuck in his throat and he wishes so hard that what he’s doing now is the right choice to make, that this will not be one of those times - _again_ \- when he puts his heart out in the open only to find it stomped and crushed into nothing.

There are flashes of moments, and before Jensen can even blink, Jared is already sitting closer -much closer- to him that he can feel his body heat through layers of clothes he’s wearing. Jensen swallows, hard, realizing that his heartbeat is skyrocketed even more -if it’s possible. Despite the queasiness he feels in his gut due to their sudden proximity, Jensen finds himself unable to look away from those eyes.

“Please... “ Jared pleads, trying hard to control his voice. “Please tell me that you meant what I think you did, Jen.”

The tears finally spilled over Jensen’s cheek now. He shakes his head slowly, faint smile on his lips and eyes still on Jared’s. “I’m just... tired, Jared.” He said softly. “I know I’ve said things that are quite contrary to what I’m going to say now, but the fact is I’m still pretty much in love with you. And though I kept denying it, I can see that you still love me too. I think it’ll be a mistake if I don’t grab this chance for all its worth. For once, fate has been kind to me and all I know is that I’ll be damned if I turn my back away from everything I have ever dreamt of all my life.”

It is silent for a moment. Jared’s hand is trembling as he takes hold one of Jensen’s. “You’re saying...” He stops for a second to clear his throat. “You’re saying you’d like to try?”

Jensen’s smile falters at that question. Now that it has come out in the open, Jensen feels even more uncertain than ever. “I don’t...” He tries to answer and apparently fails miserably. He then sighs before looking down; squeezing Jared’s hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “I won’t leave any time soon. _That_ I can give you, Jared. But about that.... it’s not like I don’t have that in mind. It’s just... I need some more time to think about it.”

And to Jensen’s relief Jared slowly nods, understanding clear in his gaze. Considering how close Jensen is to turn around and leave the possibility of even them trying to stay together in the same place, Jensen guesses what he is offering is already exceeded Jared’s expectation anyway.

“God...” Jared’s cracked voice breaches Jensen’s ears and Jensen lifts his head to stare at him. Jared looks like he’s about to burst. His whole body is shivering with something akin to excitement, and his grip on Jensen’s hand gets impossibly tighter.

“You have no idea how happy I am now, Jen. I feel like I’d die right now if I don’t hug you or something...”

Jensen is taken aback a little by that passionate statement, recognizes a desperate plea for permission on the older man’s gaze. Before he knows it, he can’t stop his smile from getting wider. “I think I can handle a hug alright.” Hell, Jensen knows it’s the least of what they both deserve after all this time.

Right then and there, as Jared swoops him inside his embrace in one swift move, Jensen can feel heavy contentment which is spreading his inside like a wildfire, making him bite back a sigh. Their chests are touching, and Jared’s heartbeat apparently matches him in crazy speed. There is no turning back now the way Jensen sees it. He has taken the first step. Judging from the way he feels torn between falling and flying, Jensen guesses both of them will still have a lot to worry and more hurdles to overcome. But they can always figure those out later. Much later, in fact, since right now all Jensen wants is to savor the warmth of Jared’s body all over him. A sensation he had once lost and tried to forget.

“I’m sorry, Jared.” Jensen mumbles when his mind is suddenly filled with memories from the past, his heart stinging from regrets. Jared goes still for a second and Jensen knows that Jared knows that this time, he’s saying those words of apology for both of them. So Jensen chucks those regrets away, determined to just look towards the future from now on as he tightens his hands around Jared’s waist and burrows his face deeper into the older man’s broad shoulder.

 

\---00o00---

 

_When you try your best, but you don't succeed_

_When you get what you want, but not what you need_

_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep_

_Stuck in reverse_

_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can't replace_

_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

_And high up above or down below_

_When you're too in love to let it go_

_But if you never try you'll never know_

_Just what you're worth_

_Tears stream down your face_

_When you lose something you cannot replace_

_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes_

_Tears stream down your face_

_And I..._

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

(Coldplay - Fix You)

 

TBC


End file.
